rrainbowmagnet
rainbowmagnet
Local Murderbot enjoyer. They/it, 18+. AO3: rainbowmagnet
264 posts
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莲珊 ★ Aussie
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I decided to write an extremely tasteful song parody as my lovely contribution for @murderhelionweek's "FREE SPACE".
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[ID: A digital drawing of Murderbot lying asleep in the shadow of ART's engine, facing toward it. ART's engine thumps loudly, and Murderbot's heartbeat thumps quietly. /.End ID]
For the @murderhelionweek prompt "Intimacy"!
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I just played Pokemon Go again for the first time in a while and saw that they had updated the avatar editor. You know what I had to do.
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For the @murderhelionweek prompt "Devotion"! (It also probably fits with "Vulnerability".)
There have been some Murderbot omegaverse ideas going around lately, and with Murderhelion week going on, I decided it would be a good time to work on my own omegaverse AU. Please mind the tags!
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[ID: A digital drawing of Murderbot sitting behind ART's physical form, in its shadow, and running its fingers through ART's long, fluffy hair. Murderbot's expression is neutral, but it has a speech bubble with a heart in it, showing that it approves of the floof levels. /.End ID]
For the @murderhelionweek prompt "Love Language"!
(Murderbot's love language is hair.)
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[ID: A digital drawing of Murderbot talking to ART on the comm, which is represented by green square speech bubbles. It asks, "ART, why are you calling me on the comm?" ART says, I missed your voice. Murderbot says, "Fuck off…" It looks irritated, but it is blushing. /.End ID]
For the @murderhelionweek prompt "Long Distance"!
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He is actually a main character. I think you're safe, TBH.
Top 3 Murderbot characters that get way more attention than their amount of screentime warrants (and I'm here for it):
The CombatUnit from Exit Strategy
JollyBaby
Holism
Honorable mention: Although Three played a significant role in the plot, it's not exactly a major character, but it seems to have become one in all of our hearts.
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Murderbot doesn't like logos, most likely because they represent ownership. The one logo it doesn't mind, however, is ART’s crew logo, because it represents something Murderbot actually wants to be a part of.
So, my question is this: If Murderbot designed its own little personal symbol, would it think of that as a good thing or a bad thing?
(I'm picturing a little shooting star.)
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Top 3 Murderbot characters that get way more attention than their amount of screentime warrants (and I'm here for it):
The CombatUnit from Exit Strategy
JollyBaby
Holism
Honorable mention: Although Three played a significant role in the plot, it's not exactly a major character, but it seems to have become one in all of our hearts.
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I made a Discord server to serve as a directory for the Murderbot emoji servers I'm making! Now you, too, can spam my cute Murderbot faces everywhere you step. It's a major WIP, so new emojis will be added periodically!
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I saw this outfit in a character design video and I thought it looked nice, so I wanted to draw Murderbot wearing it. I'm actually quite happy with how the shading turned out.
[ID: A digital drawing of Murderbot wearing a black bodysuit and gray low-rise shorts. It is chubby, with mechanical biceps and gunports in its forearms. It has its hands in its pockets and is looking to the right with a causal expression. /.End ID]
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It’s not always the easiest thing to describe, because it’s not always rational. Sometimes the feelings of liking and not-liking can exist simultaneously, which could imply that one of those feelings is external. It can be like a mindset that you get yourself into. You scrutinize everything you do, and you don’t like anything you are.
On a logical level, doing things that you think are wrong doesn’t make any sense, obviously, but it’s very difficult to avoid when you think everything you do is wrong. You have trouble making decisions because you think you’re missing something, and you never believe you understand. Sometimes you understand why you’ve done what you’ve done, but sometimes you just don’t. Even if you made the best choice you could given the situation, as long as it turned out wrong, you still feel that sense of emptiness.
It’s more of a sense or a feeling than anything concrete. It’s this feeling of repulsion from yourself, almost, a sinking feeling, a sort of fear or dread of anything you do because you think you’ll do it wrong. It’s the need or desire to continue self-flagellating because being nice to yourself is almost painful and feels as if it needs to be corrected. It’s feeling like you’re breaking the rules when you feel even a small amount of pride.
Sometimes I want to be someone else. Logically, underneath it all, I really don’t. I know I couldn’t be someone else. But sometimes, that impulse is so strong that I just feel the need to be anyone other than myself. It’s almost like I need to be the worst because I know I’m not the best. I feel more like a plague than a person, and the only reasoning behind it is that I made a small mistake or slightly upset someone.
I don’t like myself, but I know that I need myself. I don’t want to lose the qualities I have. There was a time when I did like myself, in the past. I didn’t have an awareness that I could have been doing anything wrong. But now I do, and it’s overwhelming for me. It’s like a constant balancing act, throwing more and more hurt at myself because being happy feels too dangerous.
I don’t know that this experience is universal, but it’s the best way I can describe how it feels, from my perspective, to dislike yourself. Maybe it can provide some insight, both for me writing it and for anyone reading it.
Sometimes I wonder what it's like to not like yourself. I've always liked myself. Which is a good thing, because there aren't a lot of other people who do. I mean sure, they put up with me. But me and the 'friending' business have had many challenges over the years. Not all of them my fault. At least not directly.
Back to the topic at hand - I read that there are people who don't like themselves. My ex didn't like himself. Deep down, he didn't, and part of his viciousness, meanness, and abusiveness was that he was compensating for that.
I recall him telling me one time, "You never do anything you think is wrong!"
(You know, abusers are often described in the literature as being masterminds or master manipulators. They're not. They just throw so much shit out there and take note of what sticks.)
This was not a time when it stuck, because I told him, "Of course not. Why would I do it if I thought it was wrong?" We argued some more. Sure, I might do something and realize later that it was wrong, or a bad idea. There are things I regret (like marrying him), but I understand why I made the decision I did at that point in time, given the information and choices and opinions I had then.
Given that I understand why I've done what I've done (most of the time - choosing to have kids or be heterosexual weren't things I 'decided'; all I got to do was decide how to do it, the choice on whether to be that way wasn't mine), anyway, given I understand my choices, there's not much point in being upset at myself over them.
My sister (the one I grew up with) doesn't like herself either. Most of her life has been chasing after approval and the sort of fleeting fulfillment of a life she isn't living. It's like she doesn't like her current life and the only thing that makes her happy are moments of escapism.
My parents like themselves. So do my kids. Both have had periods of depression, but both of them seem able to find joy in who and where they are. I've read this is almost entirely genetic - whether you like yourself or not. It's not behavioral or a response to trauma. By implication, it's not something you can change about yourself.
It's just ... I'd be so much different from who I am if ... well, if I was different. It's weird to think about everyone around me being difficult to understand on where they're coming from and what they're looking for in life.
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Less than two days left to sign up as an artist for @murderbotbigbang! If you want to participate, this is your last chance! (However, beta reader and pinch hitter sign-ups will remain open throughout the event.)
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my favorite fic of yours is the arada’s disappearing cookies and I’ve reread that one a lot
(https://archiveofourown.org/works/47171998)
Thank you! I'm glad you appreciate that one. I had fun writing it!
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Some Murderbot character heads (or logos, in the case of the ships)
In order: Murderbot, ART, Mensah, Pin-Lee, Ratthi, Gurathin, Arada, Overse, Bharadwaj, Volescu, Amena, Thiago, Three, ComfortUnit, CombatUnit, Miki, Maro, Rami, Tapan, Don Abene, Indah, Tellus, JollyBaby, Balin, Murderbot 2.0, Iris, Tarik, Seth, Leonide, and Holism.
ETA: Changed Thiago's hair color.
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[ID: A ship dynamic meme with the character on the left (who is sweating and hunched over) labeled "A sweaty lesbian" and the character on the right (who has long hair and is sparkling) labeled "A literal goddess". Murderbot's head has been superimposed over the sweaty lesbian's head, and ART's logo has been superimposed over the literal goddess's head. /.End ID]
when everything reminds you of them
#murderbot#the murderbot diaries#murderbot edits#asshole research transport#murderbot x art#murderhelion
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Artist sign-ups for @murderbotbigbang close on April 13, which is one week from now! Make sure to sign up before then if you'd like to illustrate a great Murderbot fanfic!
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