Challenge

I've decided to not wear make up for a year. And it's only day two and I'm terrified. I feel like everyone is looking at me and thinking about all my fugly features. Ugh. I doubt it, but I look at people so they must look at me.... right? Maybe. I guess. I'm losing my mind. I also stopped smoking cigarettes, this should be interesting. Hopefully, I won't kill anything or anyone. I like wine too much to go to jail.

Sums it up

Us last night. Too hard.

So,

My bestfriend has convinced me to turn this into a dedication space for our friendship. I don't wanna do a youtube channel because that just sounds like too much work. So.... this will now be filled with junk.

Insult to injury

My knee gave out at work today. I went in to see my doctor and he told me horrible news. I'm 100 pounds over weight. Good lawd. I didn't even notice. I mean I had to buy new jeans last year and a new bra but dang. I am making changes already but now I need to step it up. I'm killin my knees. And I gotta wear this dumb knee brace everywhere.

Why

Why is it so hard to be every part of me with one person? I don't want to hide who I am. It is stupid. I don't just like one thing or a type of things. I feel trapped in a box. I want to be free. I want to be me, all of me. I'm tired of people shaking their head because I like something different then they do. Get over it. This is who I am. Ugh. I need new people in my life. Being alone forever just doesn't sound fun.

Cold

Hot chocolate, Tegan & Sara and rain. A perfect day off. I'm feeling more like myself today. The rain is calming my mind and easing my restlessness. I needed this day. I love cold weather.

Pizza, beer & Sherlock

My mood is anything but pleasant. I'm so ready for a career change. I can't wait to start school. I just want things to be on track. I hate uncertainty. Ugh. Adult life.

I shouldn't go but I can't really help it when I feel this pressure.

Waiting

I hate this game. I just want to talk to you. I don't know if I should wait, or just call you. I don't wanna be the crazy one. I'm feeling like the crazy one. What do I do? They say when you least expect it, it can happen to you. Right now, I'm wishing it hadn't. I'm not this girl. Ugh. This is so irritating. Where is my patience.

Irritated

Even the guys I'm friends with can't be cool. I don't want anything, they shouldn't either. We've been friends for a long time. It's one or the other... "Send me pics, preferably naked" or "Your friend is hot, you should hook me up". Uh, no. I'm not your girl or your matchmaker. I am your friend. Or I was. I'm so disgusted. I just miss Cale so much these days. He would never have acted like that. He was a real friend. I wish he was here to teach these idiots somethin.

So...

I got my nipples pierced today. That is all.

Perspective

This weekend changed my mind on everythin. I'm a much happier person for lettin things. And I don't feel bad for bein down in the first place, and that's a first. I start this Zeal stuff on Tuesday, let's see how that goes. One of my employees won't stop raving about it. She's been on and on about how I must try it. I am happy with my body. I could be happier and a whole lot healthier. I am gettin there on my own. I realized today that this comin Halloween will be my first ever sober since I was about 12. It blows my mind but I know I will happy with the end result. I still miss my bestfriend and I wish she was here to watch witches of east end with me. I'm gettin pretty tired of watchin tv alone. I think it's time for a puppy.

Ugh.

So, my closest friend in town got a new boyfriend. Which is fine, go her. But... it seems that she has forgotten about me. Yeah, I get a call or text a couple times a week but it's not the same. We made a point to spend one day a week doing something together. I haven't seen her in a month. I'm not jealous that she has a boyfriend, I'm jealous that he has her. We keep making plans but she never actually sticks to it. The most aggravating part is that they hang out with his best friends all the time. I just miss her.

Wandering

I am lost. Lost and confused, in my own emotions. I feel like I'm thirteen again. This is an emotional overload. I'm too old to be feeling like this or acting like this. It's pathetic. I need to focus. On the other hand, when I'm upset, I cook. There's food every where. At least my brother and his girlfriend don't have to worry about what to eat for a few days.

The cutest thing I've seen all day.

Mark Wahlberg and his family did the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge and it was basically the cutest thing ever

Restless

My mind is all over the place tonight. I’m so restless. I keep thinking about things I can’t change. I just want things to be settled. Maybe a little routine for awhile. That’s not too much to ask right? I feel as if I’m running through a giant maze and there’s no escape, just the same corners over and over again. I need a ride. Cruisin, just my best friend and I. A lil budlight and a bit of Corey Smith. I need to clear my head.