thursday 31 october

absolutely shattered. my body is sore and exhausted. i feel a strange coldness underneath my skin. it’s like i’m recovering from a fever and the feeling won’t go away. have been tempted to take rest of week off from work several times but i think i am coping with it well. it’s almost the weekend. excited to rest. although i won’t rly be resting as there’s still more to do and commitments to tend to. my grandma who needs care, my cousin’s baby shower to help prep and a protest i’m supporting to #SaveRojava

had a meeting for the youth drop-in space with Prerna, Ana, Roi and her boss Adam. Adam is a kind man. i’ve decided i like him. he has a kind energy and warm tone in his voice. have to discuss with Flipping East on what will happen regarding our involvement with the youth drop-in space.

had a meeting with Tara. have been feeling a bit intimidated with her. she was slightly passive aggressive on the phone with me last Friday. i asked a simple question and she didn’t respond how i wld. tried to use Prerna as a shield but eventually told her to go when she’s ready rather than stay for me. i feel better in uncomfortable situations with ppl when i confront them head on. and approach it with a “get it over and done with” attitude. meeting with Tara turned out well. all of her kids were around tho. interesting observations. noticed Milan hurt himself, he was “ugly-crying” and she told him to walk it off. isn’t that contributing to an unhealthy pattern of invalidating a child when they’re hurt, doesn’t that contribute to the ideal that ppl, men in particular, shld just “walk off” their hurt? maybe it’s not that deep. but my instinct wld have been to show care n affection. but also she’s a mother and is trying to have a meeting with me while her 3 kids are constantly coming to her and crying lol so i think i shldn’t analyze it too deeply. she’s human. ppl r allowed to slip up. i know i do.

sent more emails. more admin stuff blah blah blah. David Atai got back to me regarding artists the Music on Queens Road. realised he looked awfully familiar. his photo was of him wearing a hat that covered half of his face. realised he was D’Mon in Nesian Mystik. smiled blissfully at the idea of talking to one of my childhood icons lol. the world is getting smaller.

decided to visit Anju as i want to be aware the gaps that take place after working with someone. i want to get better on checking up on ppl after doing something with them. reconnect. ask for feedback. reflect together. we talked abt the idea of a flashmob. we couldn’t stop laughing at the idea. i think it was also excited laughter.

day is done. home time.

thursday 24 october 2019

a lot of good things have been happening lately but i also feel like i’m in such a weird state at work bc we have so much going on and often i feel confused abt where to start when i arrive on a new day. we’re in a ambiguous stage rn where it feels like we’re just under a tunnel waiting to come out the other side of it! a lot of our work hinges on other ppl n their response and when they respond which i find uncomfortable but also am ok with... it teaches me patience n i guess to trust others n even God i guess. also reminds me i haven’t prayed in a while. there are also some things that have happened in the past few days that i haven’t reflected on and wld like to record on here. i’ll do that soon.

saturday 12 october

this morning i woke up sore and tired from a late night with friends but with an urgency because i had 3 hours left to drop off my voting papers. it was funny. i had xixi’s, my sister in law’s and mine to fill out. what a mission. that process was quite jarring for me, just the feeling of power and ownership in something as simple as ticking boxes with names, getting to rank who i highly recommend as the next representative in council. i dropped it off in time and came home feeling content and proud of myself for having done that. truthfully, that was my first time voting in the local body elections. the last time that i would have meant to do it but had no knowledge was in 2016 when i was 21. 

i watched a movie called Fractured. i thought it wld be good. well it was until it revealed the truth of it in the end. was disappointed as i felt it succumbed to the harmful ableist idea that ppl with that level of mental health issues are murderers. just doesn’t sit right with me that that was the big plot twist. 

i have a strange affinity for portrayals of kind men of screen lol i think bc i rarely saw that growing up, esp in my own father so i kind of find comfort in onscreen positive father or general male figures. which is why i proceeded to watch sam worthington in clash of the titans again. reminded me of my younger self and the love i had for these worlds. 

checked the results of the local body elections so far. half the people i rooted for made it in, other half didn’t. one of the women in my life that i also look up to, sarah colcord, she didn’t make it. i guess that’s one low light for the week. there’s still the special votes that haven’t been announced yet so hopefully it’ll change that for her. she needs more than 200 though. i’m praying she gets it.

this world is such a lonely place! and it’s so easy for me to be at home and feel lonely esp when i shut off from the internet for a while. i just want everyone everywhere to be compassionate and seek friendship in each other.. i wish i had more friends sometimes but then i put into perspective how my small amount of friends is a good thing.. i have a selective few who are communicative and respectful and care how i feel and talk to me regularly and i cherish that. ppl focus on image and seek relationships for clout and that disturbs me, that’s alien to me and i feel uncomfortable with ppl like that and that’s usually ppl who want to “progress” in life - they see everyone as a new avenue into stepping up on the ladder, whatever ladder it is. i used to be alone a lot as a kid, not lonely, just alone. my brothers almost never wanted to hang out with me bc they were boys who found their sister annoying. i’d spend my weekends as a child sitting in my room listening to my small radio, cleaning my room, reading romance novels, that was solitude. i almost never went out and i loved it. i remember my cousin slept over at my house once, it was day time and we were on my bed reading magazines together except she was just flipping thru the pages while i read every little thing and genuinely enjoyed it. i had this aura of patience and contentment as a child and ppl esp adults wld always tell me that. i remember my cousin stared at me in amazement wondering how i can be like that. my mother would show her pride in the way i wasn’t “like other kids” i could be still and want to be home and do simple things and be content with it. but then i came out of my shell, i made more friends and wanted to be around them more. and so i wanted to go out more and suddenly i wasn’t content with just being at home doing simple things. i wanted to do more and that made my parents very unhappy and they sought to shut that down in me. sometimes i miss that version of me as a child! being content with staying home every weekend, not caring or wanting to do anything else. what i experience now is both a mixture of solitude and loneliness. and that’s got a lot to do with being content but also wanting to do more, have more friends, or just do more things with my friends, feeling like i rarely have time for it, feeling like my friends are always busy, feeling like i should be doing more, feeling like i’m just sitting on the sidelines while everyone gets to play. i’m thankful but i also want more.

i’m angry bc my sister in law asked me yet again if i’m going to move back to my parents and referred to it as “home” why would she do that when i’ve explicitly told her twice that i’m never moving back there i’m angry and disappointed that she’d ask something stupid and be insensitive in thinking so.. i feel inconsidered. i responded assertively and told her explicitly again that i am not ever moving back there again and to cast any idea of me doing so aside