i think i'll take a step back. i'll probably just go home and bedrot for a few months again. i know it's dumb that i love him today when i know i'll hate him tomorrow, but i can't help it. i just miss him. please bring him back to me. it's not fair that every other wilbur gets a relationship with their quackity and i dont even have one

he isn't mine. god, i hate that i wish he was, but i miss him like hell. no one knows how hard it is to be a wilbur without a quackity in this system. i used to be a bit more of a frequent talker with other wilburs, but a few months ago, more and more started to get with their quackitys and i grew bitter. i know i'll never have what they have despite wanting it so badly. i miss him desperately but there's a slim chance i'll ever get him back, and i know he was awful to me, but i can't get over never saying goodbye to him. i wonder if he grew to feel bad but didn't know how to say sorry. i wonder if he's somewhere missing me and wishing he'd been kinder. i should've kept going to see him while i had the chance, but i'll probably never see him ever again. i'll die without ever telling him i love him.

source memories with my q

tw for abuse

this one is fresh on my mind, but one time, he punched me so hard in the stomach that, the second i fell over, i had to scramble to the trash can to vomit. he just watched until i was done, then pulled me up by my hair and called me filthy and threw me to the floor before telling me to get out (i've always struggled with eating and this was a rare day that i decided to eat. i've been food avoidant ever since because i got worried that it'd happen again)

i was pissing him off, and he suddenly changed course and asked for my lighter. i gave it to him, but instead of getting a cigarette like i thought he would, he flicked it and pressed it to my hand. then he just gave it back

a few times, he'd quickly start getting sexual and go so far as to (consensually) take my shirt off, often only to put a cigarette out on my skin and then tell me to fuck off.

one time, he pinned me down with his knees on my arms and pressed a gun to my forehead and told me he could kill me right there if he really wanted. he made sure i knew it was loaded. he continued to entertain the idea until i had to beg him not to, then laughed and told me he'd never kill me because he didn't want to deal with the gross clean up (i never went back after this. i was too terrified that he'd change his mind and he'd send me back to limbo)

i once told him that i was considering killing myself again (i was in the middle of a horrible episode) and he just got mad and said i was a coward for wanting to take the easy way out again and that everyone would hate me for abandoning them again

i either met him today, or he's my abuser, but we fucked anyway. i don't know what that says about me

this could possibly be the man who beat me mercilessly for months, and i'm cuddling him. what's worse is i hope it is him.

fuck off. i don't want anything to do with anyone

we don't need food, it's fine

oh, the "i was joking" excuse! real believable, yeah

i still think about him when i get off. it's humiliating, even if i'm the only one who knows it. i want him to use me, i want him to break me again, but i also want absolutely nothing to do with him. i hate him and yet i think about him fucking me senseless. he was right; i'm pathetic.

i hate that i miss him. he was nothing but a dick to me (that's putting it lightly. he wrecked me and destroyed me), but i miss him so fucking bad. i loved him before i hated him.