2023.06.09

Once upon a time...

Ref: Fern fanart (Sousou no Fieren)

Inspiration and song: Star Sky (Two Steps from Hell)

Happy New Year 2024 DoL folks.

The clock just strived a new day of the new year in my country. A new beginning is upon us and I wish for this year to be gentle to all of my loved ones, including you. Thank you for staying, and please continue to kindly look after me, too.

Sincere. Your Dollya.

i can't upload image again and this time screenshot didn't work either, so for full image please see other website (links in pin post.)

Other Links

I failed to upload images every time so I can only post screenshots here (even screenshots sometimes not working, why?) For full images, these are my profiles on other websites:

Pixiv

DeviantArt

also I lost 15 kg (by exercises and balanced diet not bc illness) but no one cares and said I didn't make any effort. I'm now 155cm/51kg with 90cm bust and 68cm waist. I can't be any more skinner bc I can feel my ribs against skin. I tried to build up muscle and cut off fat but it's difficult and the progress is much slower than others idk why. though I'm not as enthusiastic as those athletic people but at least I'm trying (I don't even like any kinds of sports yet I still try.) I didn't go to the gym bc I live in a small village and there's no gym at all so I trained myself with YT videos. I have meals with my family so there's no way I get so called nutritional diet (btw there's so much carbo in Asian dishes) but I tried my best to fix it and thus having a fight with my mother (she said I'm pickey.) I'm so tired and frustrated. yes I got a healthier body but I'm unhappy. I felt like I've done anything I can come up with and conquer the problems, yet anybody can easily achieve what I used to struggle. practice won't make it perfect nor better, it's a reminder that there's someone else can do what you learn/try to do without practicing. but who cares. you are not as good as others? you are a failure.

(not quoting Steven He's comedy)

I love wearing lolita clothing, it's the only way I can receive praises and respects from others. which is weird since other lolitas seem more likely to be judged and critized because of the style. well everything happened opposite on my occasion.

(this post contains inappropriate and politically incorrect speech)

a famous hong kong singer committed suicide because of depression. it's a sad news indeed, but whoopee the media the press the social network just get another reason to sell "the importance of depression." NO! depression only matters when celebrities or those who are charming and pleasant are suffering it!

I had several classmates got better families, better appearances, better grades, much more gifted talents, and, much more friends who care about them than me. when they claim they got depression, people always try to comfort them support them encourage them. while I show signs of depression, people just scold me being spoiled because i don't need to worry about money (though it's my own saving from scholarship or awards, I nearly spent money other than usual life except for lolita clothing idk why ppl always blame me on wasting money) or suffer from visual physical inconvenience, I have nothing to be depressed and complain. then how to say my classmates??? aren't we sharing close circumstances??? how come they can get genuine depression and i am just being a bitch??? (some ppl told me they were suffering within the shadow you can't see and scolded me being lack of compassion, well they posted their "diary of fighting depression" on social media so LITERALLY EVERYONE CAN SEE!)

to make it clear, I don't mean depression is not important or non-sense, it's indeed an issue that is not neglectable. i'm saying it bc i want whoever is struggling with depression can be treated fairly and properly.

people always demand me to be happy and optimistic, but how is it possible for me to be happy while they always apply such a double standard to me?

they made snarky mock on me but when i did so to them they said i was acting bitch. they touched me without my consent but when i did so to them they said i was rude. they'd be angry and scolded at me but when i did so to them they said i got bad temper and acting vexatious.

when others say they are introversion people they will say ok you are shy so we won't force you, while to me they said nah you are just having attitude so get the fuck up. when other say they are not good at something they will say it's ok everyone gets their own strength, while to me they said you are stupid and useless.

when i donated money or blood for charity or to be volunteer or show my compassion to others they said it was crocodile tears, while others did so people said they were great and kind and heart-warming and cheerful and generous people.

i really don't know how to live happily with a life full of disapprovals.

this one isn't finished yet so i only posted on personal fb page (which i only friend people i know in person). and i got just 1 like in a month after posting for a week. while my friend posted their testing piece to announce they bought new software and guess what, they got dozens of likes and encouragements and praises and congratulations in less an hour! seriously they just got a software for about $13 usd WHY EVEN CONGRATULATIONS?

i don't understand. I REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND!

okay i thought i might be troubled by PMS these days, which is not so pleasant and tolerable to me since i didn't experience menstrual pain in my life. but i feel better today. still got some physical illness but mentally better. until a second before.

i got some friends, who also like drawing. and in my opinion we get merits in different ways. i'm not better than them nor worser than them. just in my opinion.

but

when i posted my works, people ignore me, and, sometimes much worser, they mocked at me. they said i can never be as good as professional illustrators (which is true but i don't draw for living after all, oh wait, i can't even get a job) and suggested me to give up drawing.

while those friends, they always got lots lots LOTS of praises and supports and encouragements. even when posting simply drafts or lineworks, they still got lots lots LOTS of praises and supports and encouragements.

i don't understand. I REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND.

also i really don't understand why the amounts of likes (likes? the heart-shaped thing) of my art works were so pathetic? the sum of likes of all platforms i posted on (4 or 5 platforms) might be less than 20, i know i'm a terrible doodler but seriously, why?????

(post-insomnia talking)

i want to remake the dress-up game (?) i used to make, but the coding thing (yeah the drawing thing, too) is so annoying. honestly i really don't know what i am doing or what i should do. my life is a mess, i'm stuck with my graduate thesis, i can't find a job, i can't sleep, i keep devouring and devouring and end up cause illness. the social media network sucks. they claimed you can get help when you need to. they keep selling depression is some mental issue need to be reck on urgently. however when you actual search for help they just said everyone got their own struggles and you are acting like a whining baby so all your problems are just nothing so suck it and handle it by yourself.

I failed to upload images several times so I may not post at Tumblr in the future.

2022.09.12