retrorealityrecap
Retro Reality Recap
A reality tv whore, rewatching and recapping my favourite shows!!!
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Jersey Shore S1
Episode 5: "Just Another Day At The Shore"
So, it's the aftermath of Snooki getting punched. The guy is RIGHTFULLY arrested - the girls pick Snooki up and get her together.
What's interesting is everyone is rallying around her except Mike - he's creeping, and everyone has noticed.
They're less than pleased.
Ronnie blames Mike for the punch because he was buying the jackasses shots - I'm kinda torn about that. He's the most disgusted by Mike by a long mile...I don't know if it's really all about Snooki.
After all, this is his former rival...
So, morning comes and Ronnie's parents are here. Sammie keeps them waiting for at least 30 mins but she wants to make a good impression - make it make sense.
Ron actually says his mom is being rude for pointing out that Sam is keeping them waiting. The way he talks to her is so crazy tbh...just very rude for no reason.
This is the 4th girl to meet his family and he's like 23?? That seems crazy to me but that might just be me 😂
This is the real start of Snooki and JWoww, she takes out recovering patient out for some drinks and they have a blast. I love these two and will likely cover their spin off as well so just know I'm biased.
The girls have a bit of a spa day after this which is also pretty cute tbh.
I love the Sunday Family dinners too, I am a total sucker for that kinda stuff. What I don't like is how upset Mike is about the girls not helping even though the guys are helping him.
Weird control shit.
Mike starts just calling up all the girls numbers he knows, phishing to see which one is willing to be his date for the night. Seems kinda sad to me, why are you always looking for girls??
It's cringe.
Seeing the think eyebrows is such a throwback though 😂
I just noticed that Snooki is wearing blue contacts which is also such a throwback to that era.
Mike's date stands him up which is so necessary for his ridiculous ego.
Tommy sends JWoww a bouquet of blue roses and I have to agree with the boys - he's simping hard. You're rewarding her for cheating.
We finally get to see Pauly do his thing, DJing at Karma and idk if he's good or what but I mean - he's still going so must be good enough.
Of course, Ron and Sam leave early without telling anyone.
21 year old Vinny hitting on an older woman. Like definitely at least 26/27?? And on their way home, he realizes he's just sniped Danny's girl. That doesn't stop him from making out with her though.
Notable Moments:
• The boys walking around Seaside looking to fight and Vinny kicks a store shutter.
• JWoww punching the girl in the club who called Snooki fat.
Notable Quotes:
•"You tackled her like a monkey." -Snooki.
•"I'd send a picture of my dick and bubblegum and say suck on this." - Ron.
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Jersey Shore
Episode 4: "Fade to Black"
Characters introduced:
So Ron leaves the club because JWoww tells hims that Sam gave some guy her number. The drama of it all is kinda mind blowing - I don't know if I experienced this kinda drama in my early 20s...Witnessed a fair amount though.
Anyway, someone now tells Sammie Ron left with JWoww and even though she was just saying Ron never made anything official - she leaves to follow after them.
LOL.
I love how they call each other disgusting for a few minutes. The fight is honestly funny because I have no idea if even they know what they're saying.
Now they're both crying?? And telling each other that they're each other's best friend. It cannot have been longer than a week, if that so that's actually just crazy.
In other news, Mike and Pauly bring some girls home to get in the jacuzzi in their underwear. Super classy.
Mike gets up to get a condom and both girls decide to leave, which is an amazing moment honestly. I love that for him.
Ron and Sammie have sex - I love how he cites that she thinks he's funny as one of the reasons he likes her.
I think we get out very first GTL here; so of course they're grilling Ron about Sammie. Everyone really warms up to Snooki after she does a few flips on the dancefloor which makes sense...I guess.
Pauly and Mike pick up some girls at Karma, abandon them on the walk home for two different girls in a convertible. The new girls go home with them but aren't interested in "having fun", so fortuitously, the original girls show up anyway!
They boot the first two girls out and start their night with the originals. Just unbelievably messy - especially because Mike gets the new girl's numbers as he walks them out past the OG girls.
The next day, it turns out that the man Snooki brought home is Tom's friend who was keeping an eye on JWoww. Which is understandable considering the cheating but not healthy.
Snooki's mom comes over to spend her birthday together and it's honestly pretty sweet.
After that, they all go out for a chilled night as housemates - Snooki feels accepted now. Finally.
Of course, this is the episode where Snooki gets punched in the face by a douchebag. It's very gratifying to see all the men immediately swarm this asshole.
Notable Moments:
The introduction of the GTL.
The introduction of the grenade.
Notable Quotes:
- "I'm going to eat her alive." - Ron. (The red flags were there from the start).
- "I was ready to put you in the equation...like you. In the equation!" Ron
- "That beat's fighting us and we hit it right back. Beating up the beat." Pauly D
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Jersey Shore S1
Episode 3: "Good Riddance"
Characters introduced: Snooki's love of pickles, Jwoww's boyfriend (Tom), Angelina's friends and Angelina's boyfriend (Mike), Snooki's friend (Mike), Snooki's friend (Ryder).
JWoww claims she does NOT remember hooking up with Pauly the night before but he and Ron aren't buying it. Mike is still devastated but trying to hide it very poorly.
The wildest thing is that Sammi and Ron are already acting like they've been together for years - it's weird. This is the point where their dynamic starts to go wrong (in my opinion). It's already giving codependent on day 2 and they need to slow down.
In other news, JWoww's boyfriend comes to visit with a gift and flowers; she says she'll come clean but I don't see it happening. Angelina's friends Alana and Elana come down too.
After arranging to meet up at the club with her boyfriend, Angelina dumps him while they're there. It comes out he's not even officially divorced!!
Unsurprisingly, JWoww chickens out because Tom says he'll dump her if she cheated. At this point, it's delaying the inevitable because he'll probably see it when this airs?
Angelina decides to say she's sick without even faking being sick and admitting she was drinking last night. It's just very flimsy and embarrassing honestly.
When Danny comes to confront her, she wants him to talk to her through the bathroom door?? Which results in her getting fired, packing her stuff up in garbage bags and ending her run on episode 3!
Sammi and Ron decide to have an impromptu date so now Mike's making moves on Ryder. He actually claims he's not jealous because he "has so much going on"?? Okay bud. 🤞🏾
The date is actually pretty cute, I hate to say it. They are genuinely enjoying each other's company and go back to the guest room A.K.A the smoosh room.
While that's happening, Snooki is tonguing Ryder down in the hot-tub because "the guys like that". Disgustingly, she and Mike make out too - and it kind of seems like she has a bit of a crush.
Next night at Karma, Sam gives her number to someone else because she thought Ron was dancing with some girl. JWoww stirs trouble by going to report this to Ron who just leaves the entire club completely. JWoww falls after him which is a little sketchy combined with her snitching but whatever. Someone ELSE tells Sam and she leaves to fight JWoww.
Yikes.
Loving all the early 20s drama.
Notable Moments:
JWoww confesses to her boyfriend and hangs up after she says she loves him.
Pauly and Mike setting the grill on fire and melting some parts of it off.
Ron dancing like he's having a seizure.
Notable Quotes:
"Me leaving, I might regret it in the end." - Angelina (serious foreshadowing)
"I've been a nun." - JWoww
"The fact that JWoww told her boyfriend means she'll feel less guilty when she hooks up with me." - Pauly
"At first I was careful not to sh*t where I sleep but I'll roll around in my sh*t for her. I don't care." - Ron
"If I'm going to be single, I'm going to make everyone f*cking hate each other by the end of the night." - JWoww
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Jersey Shore S1
Episode 2: "The Tanned Triangle"
Characters introduced: Ron Ron Juice
The episode opens with Snooki on the phone with her parents and they all agree she should come home.
Mike is still laying the moves on Sammi heavily; made her breakfast and he's calling his her work partner. Sammi is EATING IT UP - she shows her poor taste from the beginning.
It's the first day at work and "Jolie" is absolutely over it and says it beneath her, despite signing up for this.
Sammi gives Snooki a pep talk but she's throwing shots the whole time, so I'm not sure if it really had the desires effect. Either way, Snooki is emotionally drained by not being the center of attention 😂 Seriously?
I was wrong. It worked! Snooki is going to stay. After that, Sammi and Mike go to work in basically matching outifts - both wearing black tank tops. Of course the confessionals are about how well they vibe...
JWoww and Angelina's boyfriends are worried that the two girls will cheat but they both say they have something good with their boyfriends....we'll see.
As expected, a few hours later while they're out; JWoww is all over Pauly and Angelina is all over random guys buying her drinks. Back at the house, JWoww and Pauly are making out in bed and we discover that his penis is PIERCED.
Sammi is asking who else in the house likes her and Mike takes this opportunity to start trashing him - and he openly admits it. The beginning of his villain arc is already here!
Fortunately, Sammi is aware that she needs to be careful with this situation. While these two are gossiping on the roof, Snooki brings her pick of the night up there. While she's trying to make a move, the guy is unsuccessfully trying to hook up.
Then she claims they weren't ever going to hook up...okay girl.
The next day, Angelina doesn't remember cheating and Vinny has pink eye - supposedly from burying his face in an older woman's behind as they danced. Yeah...I don't know.
Second night out:
The Ron Ron Juice makes its debut and Mike is very confident that Sam wants to hook up with him. He also says he has it and Ron doesn't. To his credit, when he does kiss Sam, she happily reciprocates it - just gross.
Pauly and JWoww are once again playing their game of will they or won't they. For some reason, when they share a kiss, she blocks their faces with her hands. She then leaves because she doesn't want to cheat on her boyfriend...which is about 2 mins too late.
Sam then makes a move on Ron, fracturing Mike's very fragile ego. He confronts Sam but she's unphased because she's single- of course, Mike is now playing it that he's shut it down with her. Obviously, Mike then picks a fight with a random because he can't regulate his emotions and it ends with Pauly hitting someone and getting kicked out.
NOW, he's convinced Angelina is into him but she's definitely being a raging b*tch to innocent bystanders.
Notable Quote:
"I think this job is beneath me, you know? I'm a bartender, I do great things." - Angelina
"I'm the princess of fucking Poughkeepsie." - Snooki
"I don't give a f*ck if you fat, ugly or old. I'll dance with you. It's hilarious!" - Vinny
"I guess I technically cheated on my boyfriend." - JWoww
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Jersey Shore S1
Episode 1: "A New Family"
Characters introduced: Pauly D (29), Nicole "Snooki" (21), Mike "The Situation" (27), Sam "Sammi Sweetheart" (22), Vinny (21), Jenni "JWoww" (23), Ronnie (23) and Angelina (23).
The first time I watched this season, the original run had already ended but wow. Seeing everyone at the beginning is such a trip, especially knowing how it all plays out over the next like two decades!
They are unbelievably tanned omg.
I still want to spend a summer at a cool shore house tbh BUT with people I know and like. Although, I probably would've enjoyed this set up when I was in my early 20s.
When Danny is describing their duties he said "stocking" but I straight up heard "stalking" 😂 it felt right but kinda weird that he'd just say it out loud.
On first impression, Snooki was and still is the only one that I liked. I think I just felt bad for her and also everyone is just worse in comparison. The best in a bad bunch? Maybe.
So on the first night, everyone agrees Snooki is drama because she gets pretty smashed all on her own. Also because she jump into the hot tub with the guys in her underwear. Jenni is also in the hot tub but everyone is scandalised that Snooki is in there with the guys.
That said, my girl was definitely very sloppy for a first night with a new group. Really big mistake on her part but you live and you learn.
I can sympathise with drinking a lot cause you're anxious in a new situation with new people BUT I suspect this was about Snooki being the center of attention and just falling back on what works.
She does note a lot in the first few episodes that she's used to being the centre of attention and that she likes it that way.
The biggest thing that jumps out to me is how Snooki keeps repeating that she's not used to NOT being the centre of attention. I think that bothers her more than the feeling of being iced out.
The most surprising thing is not that Mike was into Sammie but that she was feeling him back. They even hold hands on the first night out.
Just very very weird.
Also Vinny commenting that she's not the hottest girl and he was expecting hotter - boy bye! He also immediately switched rooms rather than share with Jenni from first sight.
Vinny then says JWoww is a "shady bitch" for not mentioning that she has a boyfriend, which makes me think he was feeling her a little bit.
Over halfway through the episode now and Snooki apologizes to everyone before dinner. It seems to smooth things over with the group. Then Mike and Pauly literally go fishing for girls on the boardwalk- I am appalled that the girls actually came over after being whistled at from a rooftop by strange guys with a camera crew??
Interestingly enough, the boys have zero issues with these strange women jumping into the hot tub in their underwear or nothing at all.
So wtf is up with the double standard? None of them are into Snooki so it's an issue when she does it??
Anyway, JWoww is disgusted that 29 year old Pauly is hooking up with 20 year olds. YES!!
While that's happening, Snooki assumes (from the other room) that everyone is upset about her and decides she's going to leave. It's not clear to me why she thinks that because they're yelling about girls PLURAL so I think she was in her head.
I just noticed they're calling Angelina "Jolie" and like ....PLEASE 😂
I absolutely love everyone's attitude, they each genuinely believe they're god's gift to the Jersey Shore. It's pretty amazing. Mike is the biggest culprit though, it's really delusional.
Also, why do they keep calling her Snickers? Just can't be bothered to call her the right name.
Notable moments: Pauly packing a salon's worth of hair products.
Notable Quotes:
"What can you say when someone pretty much looks like Rambo with their shirt off?"
" I'm like a praying mantis, after I have sex with a guy I tear his head off."
"I can't be with a girl who doesn't look prettier than me."
"I'm the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island baby!"
"Let's get filthy, creepy and weird."
"I don't want pukey breath on me."
"My only rule is never fall in love at the Jersey Shore." - Ron
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