relapsedbrain-yetagain
🦋Fighting for my Life🦋
🔞🔞 29// I'm just trying not to off myself with every inconvenience. Sad Boii posting and venting. BPD / ED
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It is hard resisting being so clingy and begging for constant attention. But I know it is wrong. But. I still yearn so badly for their complete attention. It is so hard not talking to them and giving them space. All I do is wait for their attention.
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my bpd is like a constant fight to stay calm and act normal, just for social purposes. the amount of times i just wanted to cry, yell or break things in public, it’s like every fvcking day but i hold it back until i can’t anymore
i don’t want ppl to see how i actually feel and behave, i can’t risk that they don’t like me anymore for who i rlly am
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"ill never leave you" liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar
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bpd&adhd culture is always feeling like you’re either too much or not enough so you do everything to not feel like it and you end up balancing between obsessive and not giving a fuck
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It’s fine because I’m actually using a secret technique called writing it in my head and nowhere else.
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bpd culture is always being the "it's okay i understand your feelings and why you acted this way" person but never the one being understood
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You can try your best and people who are determined to portray you as bad will still do so while acting like they didn’t do anything to make you act the way you did. So act however who gaf they’ll demonize you regardless
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What will it take for me to just get respect from my friends. From my family.
Everyone sees me as this fucked up bitch who does whatever they want. And they right but that doesnt make me a bad person. It doesnt mean i dont deserve respect as a human. The benefit of the doubt. Ive been on a healing journey continually since this time last year. Ive made so many strides and to think that someone, my best friend, would believe i would do something as stupid as drive on acid just really hurts me..
They dont know me as well as i thought. They barely know themselves. Ofc they dont know me. But ive been there for them. Constantly. Picked them up when they were drunk..ignored the disrespect that their partner can do something better than me or know them better than me. WHEN HE COMES TO ME WHEN THIS PERSON HAS PROBLEMS. but its fine.
This may be the end of our friendship bc i cant take any more. Which sucks cause i love them sm.
This is probably why every other friend has left them. 😕
Oh and the one friend i could call on outside of that, tried to end their life yesterday. After we hung out. And idk that kinda hit me hard. Ik it isnt about me. But it feels like everyone around me doesnt wanna be with me anymore. It feels like im starting a new chapter soon and i dont want to.
Im worried about so many people and myself. Im literally worried sick. And i just feel defeated. I cant do anything to help and thats all i wanna do. All i seem to do is make things worse ...
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I haaate when people make assumptions on what you did.
Ny best friend is thinking i drove home on acid. I took acid at their house at 3pm. Didnt drive until 230am i was sober. And they woke up at 3am fucking spammingg me.. i fell right asleep when i got home. They spammed me mad thinking I drove home fucked up but I waa sober as a bone falling asleep on the couch so i went home.. I don't understand why my BEST FRIEND is accusing me of these things. Ive mever driven on acid..i dony even like the idea of a car while I trip. Hell no.
Im offended and i have a right to be right ????
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This is the reason i keep things to myself and dont bring up anything that bothers me bc it is made to feel like what i said i feel doesnt matter and thats its in my head....
Oh "its valid" but they arent making me feel like its valid. So. Now im splitting on them 🤗
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really strange how you can be almost at peace with something that happened to you but it will continue to be a defining moment of your life for the rest of your life. you wont think about it much anymore but in a conversation about a film someone will mention the year it was released and you’ll think to yourself, “that was before it happened” and you’ll see an old photo and think how strange it is to have existed before it happened and somehow it’s like living a life in two acts
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“gentle” // my art, okay to rb (click for better quality)
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Here i go again, making more people disappointed in me.
i ignore people and push them away cause its how i deal with my pain.
Wish I could keep commitments i set without breaking them. Friend literally said, "yoi do this often" when i fell asleep. This time, it wasn't just asleep. I was crying and then fell asleep.
I sleep to avoid. But why would i avoid my best friend? Why have i been ? Am i spiteful? Idk. But they have messages in my DMs now that im just not opening..
I want to be alone bc im a fuck up. I want to be alone cause i keep making mistakes. With someone who can't handle mistakes rn.
I am the Mistake
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