florencia is so angry that dad had hugo chavez as his sassy gay friend but domeric won’t be hers :(

requested by  aandyku

A typical day in the mind of Cristina By C. Bonadincel

Cristina wakes to check her Instagram feed.  “My life is hell.” She remarks to herself as she swipes her phone.

Cristina only got 450 likes on the image she posted last night before bed.

“That cunt Current President Mauricio Macri got 4500 likes on his photo.  That dumb bitch just posted a photo of his glamorous and happy family being beloved by the nation.  What a useless whore who actually wants to move the nation forward instead of making it regress due to outdated populist policies he is.  I hate that bitch.”

She proceeds to cope by putting on 45 pounds of makeup and planning her next instagram post.  But before she does this she has to check her text messages.

She has 45 unread text messages.  As she checks them she gets more “depressed.”

“Where is the message from Máximo?” She asks herself.

“I let Máximo ravage all of my holes.  I let Máximo take his pecker out of my butt-hole and I proceeded to clean the fecal matter off of it with my tongue.  Plus I’ve destroyed my aging body to provide him with milk.  Why won’t he text back?”

She scrolls down the text messages.  Mostly from her constituents who she’s fooled into thinking she cares about their well-being while stealing all their money and using it to spend on designer bags.  Some are also from federal judges, for example the oft-lauded Federal Justice Claudio Bonadio.  Messages like “Hey it’s Bonadio.  I was wondering if I could take you to court this Friday.”

“Eww.” Cristina remarks to herself.  “He is a moral and upstanding citizen of our nation.  I only spend time with people who are pieces of shit like I am.  Plus Bonadio makes a pathetic civil servant’s salary.  I need a real man that can foot the bill for the 45 Hermes bags I buy every year.”

She proceeds to go ahead and put on even more makeup for the day.  As she does this she thinks to herself.  “What should I do for the day.  I have so many awesome hobbies.  Hobbies like laundering money, colluding with Iran, faking my law degree so that no one knows I never finished law school, taking photos of myself, putting on makeup, abandoning my daughter Florencia, and eating fried intestines.”

Suddenly (as she thinks about what she is going to do) her phone vibrates.  “FINALLY!” She exclaims out loud.  “Máximo texted me!”

She proceeds to read the message.

“Sup mom.  Itsme maximo.  Yo tonights me and your personal trainer luciana wants to double teem u. she made a mold of my cock so we can stuf 2 of ur holes at once. I also told Federal Justice Claudio Bonadio that I would let him fuk you if he promises to drop the charges against ya. So u gots to fuk Federal Justice Claudio Bonadio.”

She thinks about the proposition.  “Well, Máximo and my gay personal trainer Luciana are pretty hot.  They can ravage every one of my holes.  Bonadio on the other hand is a piece of shit.  He looks like an upstanding and quite dashing citizen who is against corruption.  He looks like he once shot and killed a dangerous youth in self-defense and was never punished for it.  I have a strong intuition for these things.  I’ll fuck Máximo and Luciana.  But I won’t fuck Bonadio.  I’ll just give Máximo some of my money to bribe him like the morally depraved old bitch I am.”

After putting on 45 more pounds of makeup she starts to think about what her next instagram photo will be.  “I need to look sexy without people thinking I’m using my dwindling sex appeal to win over the voters.”  She thinks to herself.  “I know!  I’ll do some yoga while lecturing my viewers about our current president’s horrible pension reform bill.  That way I can get a shot of my ass and pass it off as educational rather than me just being an attention whore who will be politically obsolete soon and will rot in jail and be forgotten like the other presidents of Argentina who no one gives a shit about anymore.”  (We wish) She thought to herself.

She proceeded to put on her yoga pants.  After this she decided to text Máximo back.  “There is no guarantee that I am dtf for Luciana.  But she is super gay for me and tops me hard during our “workout sessions” and she knows what positions my shameful, degenerate self likes so if I feel like letting her join in I will give my consent.  I will not have sex with that righteous citizen Federal Justice Claudio Bonadio.  He offends me.”

“wuteverz u needs to say bich.”  Máximo was well aware that Cristina needed to rationalize not being a truly disgusting former leader.

Cristina proceeded to get a nice picture of her supple, fuckable butt and she posted the picture on instagram.  After this she checks Twitter.

“Wow, look at all the retweets that our competent current president is getting with his hashtags about Argentina rejoining the global community after 8 years of alienating everyone except Hugo Chavez and Fidel Castro.  This is literally anti-feminist and anti-Catholic.”  She proceeds to tweet:

It’s time that our qualified and intelligent Current President Mauricio Macri is prosecuted for the crime of not trying to alienate us from the rest of the filthy capitalist world.

Shockingly, or maybe not so shockingly because of all the times she proudly posed in see-through shirts, this unobserved and idiotic tweet was retweeted over 4500 times by the helpless poor Argentinians who she’d bamboozled with her talk about caring for the common man.

“Damn why wasn’t it retweeted 45,000 times,” Cristina remarked to herself as she started to feel “depressed.”

Her phone vibrates again.

“sup mom yo me and Luciana is rdy to fuk u. Luciana has her special “workout harness.”  cum 2 my dirty bedroom full of pizza crusts and Nintendo controllers we got Gucci purses and shit.”

“Well I guess in order to continue earning Máximo’s love like the disgusting, awful mother I am I have to show him that I’m open minded in bed.  If that means letting my personal trainer fuck me with a model of Máximo’s dick then so be it.  I know I’m destined to have Máximo’s deformed babies and will do everything he wants because I can never love another man as much as I love Máximo.” She thought to herself.

To keep a long story short, Cristina went to Máximo’s bedroom to be ravaged by Máximo and Luciana instead of making sweet love to Federal Justice Claudio Bonadio.  When the thought that she was the worst president Argentina has ever had popped into her mind, she checked her Instagram.

“Yes!  Over 4500 likes of my yoga picture and economic lecture!  This will demonstrate once and for all that I’m way more desirable than our stupid bitch Current President Mauricio Macri.” Cristina thought to herself.  The day was ultimately a success.  

Hell’s waiting

forgive me father for I have sinned in all the coolest and most glamorous ways possible

The Kirchners are so nouveau riche

why do i crack myself up so much (via wetwasteofagirl)

How Can you say maximo is useless and uncultured when he compares mom’s destroyed butthole to Brutalist architecture :’)

An insight into Cristina’s life by C. Bonadincel

You wake up to 45 text messages from your son Máximo waiting to be answered on your phone.  Check your facebook/twitter/Instagram and you have 450 likes on the selfie you took of yourself with a caption making fun of our current President.  You want more attention though, so you take a shower, put on a shirt that whoops! accidentally lets the side of your bra show, put on 4 whole pencil’s worth of eyeliner to go from a 9.5/10 to a 10/10, and snap a quick selfie of yourself that you quickly upload to your social media accounts with some sarcastic emojis.  Maybe this one will get you 4500 likes.

Your driver takes you to the Senate in a car that cost 365,283 whole Argentinian pesos.  Before you get out you make a quick video complaining about all the injustices done to you by Federal Justice Claudio Bonadio : (  Got to keep the public talking about you! you laugh to yourself.  As you walk into the Congress building, you pass several Federal Justices on the street. They all stare at you as you pass. Most of them are actually concerned with bringing justice to the nation of Argentina and punishing its most heinous white-collar criminals.  Gross! You ignore them.  These losers spend their whole adult life jerking off to persecuting their political opponents, and they still only earn one million pesos per year—legally.

You stop to get your usual morning diet fruit salad on the way.  Have to maintain all 140 pounds of you!  The good-looking boy serves you and tries chatting you up again, but he’s too good looking, nothing like your crude, hulking son Máximo or the rotting corpse of your dead husband who it’s time to get over.  You know he’s going to ask you out one day, but you’ll end up rejecting him because you only fuck people with the last name of Kirchner.  You don’t mind the attention though.

Several men stare at your cleavage and the bruises on your leg that conveniently show through your tights as you resume your walk.  It’s so hard to be such a radiant goddess.  You enter your 106,000 pesos per year Senate job which you had to get by manipulating the voters due to being a mentally ill degenerate with no competence or leadership skills who’s thirsty for power.  You notice many of your male political opponents are there. The Senate is sexist.  Typical.  You greet all of your coworkers: Máximo’s handsome young friend from La Cámpora, Axel Kicillof your young, brilliant Chad former minister of economy, Máximo’s other handsome young friend from La Cámpora, Hot Blonde Female Senator who you’re probably fucking, and nemesis from the opposing party Vice President Gabriela Michetti (in a wheelchair, so she can’t even sit on the special throne!)  Of course the “less corrupt” political party is currently in office.  They get all the good jobs now!  But that would change.  We’re fighting to get me—I mean, us--back into power! You remember how Kim Il-Sung of North Korea is still considered the leader of the nation even after his death. Good on him, you think to yourself.

You ask the Vice President to shut up and let you speak and she immediately does so.  You cut a grape from your fruit salad in half because grapes have such a high caloric content and demand that a bottle of low-sodium mineral water be brought to your desk.  Máximo’s young Chad friends have to come over to flirt with you, so you make the entire Senate wait for you to begin your egocentric ramblings.  Then you take the floor and talk for 45 minutes about how you’re being persecuted for your beliefs and then answer another 45 texts from Máximo.  Then leader of the majority Miguel Pichetto asks to speak.  He can be so conceited sometimes thinking anyone cares what he has to say! But at least this gives you time to go to the bathroom.  You stand up and make sure to announce how unfair it is that the bathroom is so far away while you pretend to be leaving the room quietly and respectfully.  Before you know it, it’s lunchtime and you hide in your office and stuff your face with your favorite fried pig intestines so no one sees you eating anything other than fruit salad and grilled chicken.

Around 2pm another senator from your party comes and jokingly asks if you’re doing any work.  You laugh and tell him you don’t need to work to make money and smile sexily at him (because you’re talking about all your laundered money).  You spend the rest of your time in the Senate ranting on Facebook about how Federal Justice Claudio Bonadio has accused you of colluding with Iran.  What an ugly, fat son of a bitch he is!  Your post from this morning now has 450,000 likes.  You have several text messages from Máximo letting you know he wants to get dinner tonight.  So far, he’s asked for dinner 3 times and for pre-dinner drinks 4 times. You check Página|12, the one news site in the country that understands how oppressed you and other Kirchnerite policians are (but especially you).  You see an article about how Federal Justice Claudio Bonadio should be removed from the Iran case because he holds a grudge against you and is very corrupt besides. You share the article and say how hard it is for you that this competent, experienced judge is persecuting you and your family.  You get 45 likes and 45 comments agreeing with you and saying that this innocent and ruggedly handsome enforcer of the law of the land should go to hell.

After work you head back to your apartment and do 30 minutes of running on the treadmill with smoke pouring out of your ears while watching the news anchors on TV talk about your criminal behavior.  You notice your personal trainer Luciana staring at you from the weights section. She’s pretty hot, but topping you is a privilege that she has to repeatedly earn, so you put your headphones in to listen to the Gladiator soundtrack.  You wouldn’t dare take a selfie when you’re done with the treadmill, because you don’t want the public seeing what you look like with most of your eye makeup sweated off. You head off to the water cooler to drink another glass of low-sodium mineral water.  Luciana tries to make conversation with you.  She’s hot and attractively younger than you, but her last name isn’t Kirchner, so you politely make it clear that you’re not interested (today).

You already have several more likes on your reposted article about angel of justice Bonadio and more comments about how heartless he is to persecute the best president the country has ever had.  Máximo has now asked you to go out for dinner with him 6 times.  You text him 4 times and organize the night and make sure to use lots of heart emojis.  You get home and say hi to your poodle Lolita and ignore your daughter Florencia.  She’s 27 and still a vegan.  She’s always cared about the environment, stood up for the rights of dairy cows and shit like that.  Now her baby daddy dumped her because of how obsessed with soy milk and social justice she is.  Maybe if she showed some ambition like you did.  You got into politics relatively early on because the electorate noticed how charming, sexy, and honest you are.  She was always Dad’s favorite though, and never appreciated you enough before he died.  She could be such a selfish bitch sometimes.

You call your 89 year-old mom and tell her that you want to buy a new Birkin bag but don’t want to use any of the funds you’ve thoughtfully embezzled from public works projects.  She gives you 6,088,350 pesos that she earned from scamming the Post Office.  You say thank you, even though you know you don’t really need it because you recently had a net worth of 80 million USD.  You deserve it for simply being Cristina Kirchner.

You decide it’s time to meet up with Máximo.  You need protection out on the street though in case the people who have seen through your grating charisma and realize what a sexy piece of shit you really are decide to throw eggs at you again.  You text some of Máximo’s buff, Chad friends from La Cámpora to come walk with you. You take fifty selfies and a dozen videos for your YouTube channel while you’re walking down the street.  Some men who also happen to work as federal judges and prosecutors call out to you about how immoral you are, and you and your Chad posse laugh hilariously.  All these guys aren’t getting laid, right?  Like, why do they even bother?

As soon as you get to the restaurant Máximo comes to greet you and plies you with expensive wine.  You don’t really plan on staying though because you want to have a private night with your good for nothing Chad son who’s never had a job interview in his life.  You make sure to keep his handsome male friends from La Cámpora there so they can protect Máximo’s blubbery body and lack of a law degree too.

After 4 men come to talk to you and tell you they definitely don’t believe that you allegedly ordered the murder of a prosecutor who was about to accuse you of collusion with Iran, which gets them kisses on the cheek from you, you abandon the restaurant and head off down the street with Máximo.  People greet him with respect even though he has no degrees from institutions of higher learning and owns 45 SUVs purchased with stolen money.  Your Chad bodyguards get in between you and Máximo and the innocent Argentinian citizens who you proclaim to love so much who are demanding you answer for your disgraceful crimes and complete lack of disrespect for our justice system, especially learnèd and powerful Federal Justice Claudio Bonadio. Máximo takes a video of you two walking down the street while ignoring the demands of your countrymen.  You can’t stop laughing at how empowered it makes you feel to ignore this persecution.  This is great!

At home you and Máximo sit close together on your expensive imported couch and talk because literally no one matters to you other than the degenerates in your family.  Máximo tells you how he’s broken up with his latest girlfriend, just another one in a series of girls who look like a broke-ass version of you.  You tell him how you approve of this because she was a distraction—Kirchners need to stick together.  That’s why you refuse to testify in your court appearance and won’t meet Federal Justice Claudio Bonadio’s eyes when he greets you.  Some guys can be so pathetic.  Your lawyer Gregorio is texting you.  He is a pretty hot Chad and you’ve considered ****ing him to see if that will get you free legal representation and perhaps inspire him to bribe the jury (with his own money, not yours).  Your degenerate son Máximo gets jealous so you stop replying.  The only thing you love more than defrauding and deceiving an entire country while dressing like an oversexed mom is your son who always seems to get girlfriends even though he has accomplished nothing in life (certainly nothing like going to law school and becoming a Federal Justice, anyway).  You make plans to have Máximo spend the night. You ask him which of your apartment’s 5 bedrooms he’d like to sleep in and he says he wants to sleep in yours. Gregorio is still texting you but you have long since stopped replying.  Even your Chad lawyer is kind of acting like a loser right now.  You tell Máximo that of course he can sleep in your bed with you because he’s such a big strong boy who spends Mommy’s laundered money so well. He is a literally perfect Kirchner. You remember Florencia telling you that it’s weird that Máximo still likes to sleep in your bed at age 40, yet she’s the one sleeping alone tonight.  You laugh to yourself. She must be doing something wrong.  She’s obviously not worthy of the kind of love you and Máximo share.

After a night as deviant as you are, you wake up to Luciana asking if you’ll have hot girl-on-girl sex with her today, your mom sending you her fraudulent money for your new Birkin bag, and 450 comments on a leaked photo someone took of you on the treadmill saying you look good even with your 45 pounds of mascara smeared all over your face.  It’s only 9am.  Máximo brings you cake in bed and you post another article trashing the blameless silver fox Federal Justice Claudio Bonadio on all your social media profiles.  Today is going to be a good day!

“I want to tell you a story,” the president confessed during the reception for the Olympic athletes at the 2012 London Olympics, “and Máximo is going to kill me, but I don’t care.  Máximo was in school, in 1983, and he failed P.E.  He was in first or second grade.  So I went to the school to talk to his teacher.  Just to be clear, I wasn’t any kind of authority figure then, I was just a lawyer.   The teacher, who was ex-military, told me he’d failed Máximo because he couldn’t do a handstand.  So I looked at him and I said, ‘Look, I’m a lawyer, and so is my husband, we’re from one of the most important law firms in Santa Cruz [Province], and neither of us knows how to do a handstand.  We never learned how to do this because we never went around doing somersaults or anything, because our thing was reading…Now, if you asked my son who the president was, I assure you he’d know.’”

cristina 100% confirmed for the Fight Me Helen mom at the pta meeting

I like saying swear words and being an all around devil

The only SU the raximoweek admin will ever fuck with (L-R) Máximo, Raximo fusion, Ramsay Credit to the artist @loveyourcrookedneighbour

YEAH!!!!!!  RAXIMO MENTION

What are some of the more obscure ships you like?

Probably the one of most obscure is Pip/Lindsay from Stockholm Syndrome which is like… a whole thing lol

Also my big Harry Potter ship from back in the day was Hermione/Voldemort which, while not an obscure fandom, is a pretty obscure ship lol

I guess Boltoncest is kinda obscure depending on who you ask? Lol in the broad scheme of Asoiaf/GoT fandom it’s pretty obscure.

My number one most obscure ship is Raximo!!! Which is Maximo Kirchner (Argentinian contemporary politics) x Ramsay Bolton (ASOIAF obviously) so like… weird crossover RPF lmao it’s the best