Lovelovelove

adventure

So…I know I’ve been away for a while. I feel like I’ve been through hell and back…I probably have. What I’ve come to realise is that hell is so close…it lives under the same roof as heaven. They both occupy this body of mine and for a while, it felt like this darkness was threatning to swallow every glimpse of light I’ve ever know to be a part of me.

The world ended, and that’s not an overstatement. The world always ends but I always rise, I guess that makes me a God.

With everything that’s happened, I am so grateful to have obtained my B-Tech degree in Marketing Management. Praise be to God!

#life #God #Grace #thejourney #Degree #fashion #headwrap #melanin #Girlswithdegrees #Blackgirlsrock #Blackgirlmagic #mustbethatAfricanButter #Africa #AfricaDay

It is crazy if it does not tell you how much of a fucking knockout you are. If it's not telling you that you are worthy of all the things you hoped before you started listening to the world, it is lying to you! Listen. You are a God!

#yeshunny

#notetoself

true

If I told you about my 2016, you would probably think I have had a horrible year. I would have agreed had I not taken the time to reflect.

This year has been full of challenges and I have had to learn how to live with, and love myself at my absolute worst. I am not proud of whom I have been, but maybe I have had to experience myself at my darkest in order to get off my high horse. Perhaps it helped me look at myself differently, maybe not myself…God. I looked at God and thought of how incredible it is… how magical Love is, to know me and choose me…every time.  This year, I rededicated my life to Christ.  I met someone who thinks I am wonderful and was fortunate enough to kiss him, every time that I could.

I had the courage to let the world see me without any make-up on. For any normal person, this would not be a big deal; it is a milestone for me though. I have lived with a skin disorder for years now and have been concealing the pigmentation marks on my face since I was 19. Not to mention that most people know me to be a Beauty Advisor with decent skin. I have endured weird stares and awkward whispers from my mates. Thank God for strangers!

I sucked at varsity this year. I was even a little disappointed when I passed all my modules, I did not deserve it. But I guess there is no justice in the world and I need to be grateful when injustice favours me- it is a balance.

This journey is so overwhelming but I pray to God I become someone He and I would be proud of.

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Love Is For Women Like Me Until It Is Not

1. I do not think that I can stress how much fight is required to learn how to (with all sincerity), value and honor the bond you are forming with someone following the brokenness of the previous one that almost almost ruined you.

2. I do not think I can stress what it feels like to place your fears and anxieties so far behind that you begin to form what feels like something normal, something respectable, something you are so grateful for - like a home you come to after a long day; one in which you can undress yourself, rest and you know; grow. One in which you have the freedom to express feelings as delicate and as frightening as love.

3. I do not think I can stress the fact that as much as I have moved forward (not on) but forward - there are still days when it still cripples me and sends me into a deep deep sadness. It is not my intention to remain a sad, brown, broken girl. But there are days. Days on which I remember that I had the audacity to love him and he found the right to spit it right back in my face. Days on which it dawns on me that he was not entitled to stand by his word in my home. Days on which I must just accept this as some form of fact.

Disclaimer: I do not write this as a form of protest or slander. I write this longing for and missing the woman I was throughout that union. The woman I have abandoned and erased from memory in order to never be trapped into becoming HER again.

4. There are no more heartbreaks left inside of me.

5. I do not think I can stress the idea that everysingleday, I watch myself excel at the craft of remaining intact - just in case. I am a walking work of art.

It is not that I do not crave or believe in love. I am just so cognizant of people’s abilities to hurt me to the point where it changes me. Call it pessimistic, or sad. When someone has affected you to the point where love turns to trauma - you do not want to feel that again. So, you learn to control who affects you and sometimes that makes me lonely. But it also makes me indestructible.

6. I did not come here to be understood. I did not come here to be reprimanded. I did not come here to be allowed.

Love is for women like me, until it is not.