1824 Saturday 20 November

9

3

Breakfast at 10 1/2 -at 11 Mrs Barlow came to me, and stayed with me till 3 40/60 when her daughter came from school –

Madame Galvani came at 12 3/4 and stayed till a few minutes past 2 –

Mrs Barlow and I were sitting very comfortably together when Miss Pope came to call on me at 11 40/60 and absolutely sat, even in spite of Madame Galvani’s coming, till about 1 1/2 – fancying perhaps, because Mrs Barlow did not go, she needed not – I wonder she did not perceive I did not particularly wish her stay – I spoke as little as possible and both Mrs Barlow and Madame Galvani saw how much I was ennuye de sa visite – She was no sooner gone, than I resumed my usual spirits and laughed and talked during the rest of my lesson – sorry to tell Madame Galvani I should not have time to take more than 1 month – flirting as usual with Mrs Barlow but nothing particular passed –

at 4, went out (by myself) – went to Madame Romatier rue St Anne, 29 was measured for a pair of stays and to – Jeannin libraire, rue Vivienne number 8   meant to have gone to Galignani’s about his edition of Lord Byron’s works, but seeing an edition in the shop window of Jeannin (number 8) went in and finding that he would allow une diminution of francs, 101 francs to 88, bought the work (16 volumes) and ordered them to be bound at 2 1/2 francs per volume – they are to be done in 10 days – said I bought a great many books – these for a lady – une commission – the man probably may of course thought me a tradesperson –

got home at 5 20/60 – Sat down to dinner at 5 3/4 – Miss Harvey too Hervey too ill to come down stairs – Mrs and Miss Barlow paid her a longish visit immediately after dinner and during all this while I sat on the sofa in close tête a tête with Madame de Boyve after all, it seems no alterations can be made in the servants’ department respecting meals, etc. to me it is immaterial –

we got to the subject of Mrs Barlow   Madame de Boyve had wished to sake her to some friends of hers they did not wish it for she was not comme il faut   Madame de Boyve did not know exactly how they meant it but she declared if she was not so she would not keep her in her house and her connections were so so and xx her friends ssaid if she would vouch for her it was another thing   however Madame never said more about Mrs Barlow s going to their parties   I asked to know the name of the peoples on giving my word of honour never to name it she told me it was the Trelawneys  I mentioned Mrs Harveys light manner of speaking of them the other evening   Madame de Boyve allowed they done things contrary to the customs here but defended them   I asked her about the gentlemen who Mr Demasse says sslept with Mrs Barlow   it is Mr de Chateavillard who lives at his place ten leagues hence near Fontainbleau I warmly reprobated the dishonour of a mans telling this ssort of thing   Madame de Boyve owned a woman had no enemy like the man she had refused she knew this from experience – speaking of the Mr Uncoz she said about two months ssince his name had appeared in the papers as having large damages to pay in a crimcon   Mrs Barlow had written to and heard from him – Madame de promised to find some opportunity of mentioning these two names sso that I could catch at them   she wondered much Mrs Barlow had never mentioned them to me   it seems the man she was attached to before she married that she has told me off as the brother of two of her intimate friends that he is fond of her to this day but avoids her afraid of meeting etc etc.   he has never married still loves her   it turns out this man is the brother of Mr de Jersey she and her husband were here Mrs Harvey knew them wel   the man had then no fortune Mrs Barlow had none and they could not marry   Mrs Barlow married colonel Barlow for an establishment   her lover has now got a good fortune and is now in Paris but never comes near her   she would gladly have Mr Duglos and would have had Mr Dacier when he was here before   I declared she would not have a foreigner surely not a swiss banker like Mr Dacier –

in came Mrs Barlow Madame de Boyve soon found a good opportunity of naming Mr Chateavillard and Mr Uncoz who turns out to be Mr Hancock  as an adorateur of hers  I caught at all this   it was evident she did not like it   she said don’t teaze me and begged I would say no more about it   then I had exclaimed in my rattling way a little idea had darted like lightning across my mind and made her understand I alluded to the letter   had Mrs Barlow been less taken by surprise herself she might have seen by Madame de Boyves countenance there was design in when she said but she did it well   and so did I   and I alone saw the momentary paleness that quivered on her cheeks and lips when first she spoke – she and all the rest went at a quarter before nine   Mrs Barlow lingered and she and I sat down by the fire I questioned her closely and so decidedly said it was Mr Hancock to whom she had written the letter that she owned it was   she did she was glad I knew she meant to tell me before I went   longed for an opportunity of doing   had been and was thinking of telling me this morning at the moment I rapped at her door this morning before my breakfast   thinking this unlikely I told her how unfortunate it was she had not happened to have told me   rallied her on her saying at the time she would write to her to know if she might tell me   she said this was I one said I it looked very like earnest   she said had she wished to deceave me she could have put in the letter another day   yes but you would have had to redate or write it over again   oh it was very short   it was two pages   I know well but the likes were very wide they looked quite ill   I knew not what to say   no not very wide I saw the first page   she could not deny I was right for I had glanced at the letter lying on her desk the day before and saying it was principally written on that day she could not deny it   he had deceaved the house but her they thought him so good etc. etc.   and he said he could not bear to hear it he did not deserve it and told her all the story tho the trial did not come on till last July he felt it very much was ill from regret   she thought he would not live long   she felt commiseration   all she could say was and she did xxxxx urge it in her letter was that for his familys ssake he ought not to ruin his health etc etc   in such a sause the Middletons and Mrs Harvey were taken up with Mr de Buissey and she and Mr Hancock were left together   they walked etc etc   she bought many things for his mother but said she the worst of it was he came into my room   Madame de Boyve behaved ill to me then did not like me to have my visitors in her salon they incommoded her   and he came to me about his commissions for he did not know one handkerchief from another but we always ssat with the door open and Page was in the next room   he always behaved very well he never touched my hand but once and that was on going away   I then told Madame de Boyve I must receive my visitors in the drawing room – she says he was twenty four he was two years older for he is now twenty seven Madame de Boyve was jealous she wanted him to herself and he took a dislike to her for her conduct to me   Mrs Barlow had said she felt commiseration for him   I joked her and said I knew what commiseration was   I asked where he lived  she said he did not always live in one place   but said I as he is a man of fortune he has ssome place   she then said near Aislesbury   she had said when Madame told me he was Yorkshire no he was Derbyshire  - he had behaved very well in this crimcon business the lady at once gave up all his letters he would not give up hers   destroyed them all   the parties wanted to get damages and he had five thousand pounds to pay   Madame de Boyve wanted to know of it was the same Mr Hancock she would not tell and begged I would not but she declared again and again Madame de Boyve had no object in mentioning these two names in telling fortunes as she often did in this way   she meant nothing at all   she had been foretelling according to my desire where we should all be two years hence and she said Mrs Barlow would be travelling in France with two gentlemen   I asked their names   voila how ingeniously we managed the thing   I said I should question Madame de Boyve   I saw Mrs Barlow s anxiety that I should not   at last she said well if you do she will say no good of me if colonel and captain Wilson and Mr Robinson were here you might ask them   I would rather have a gentlemans word   the last thing she said was will you ask her or not   I answered I would not say I would xxx not or she answered thank you good night –

of Mr Chateauvillard she had owned she might have had him as an amant   he was a very gay man   had tried all he could to seduce Madame de Boyve but in vain   he had asked her to go out with him in his carriage with Mrs Middleton and Miss Harvey but she had even refuted this   by the way she said Mr Hancock had begun by obliging her for he had told her Mrs Price then here was not fit company for her and he was right   Mrs Price was odd and she Mr Barlow had since heard things which confirmed what Mr Hancock said   I asked if Mrs Price was blown that is if these things were generally known   no they were not   she is in very good society in Kensington   said I well might you tell me this house was a little world of itself   she said once or twice she knew I was angry with her   no said I vous etes charmante you will get over this as you do over all other things   she answered you don’t think so but I have nothing to blame myself for but one thing   what is that   my conduct to you   oh said I never mind that – I certainly judge from her manner that all is not right – there is attempt at concealment wich looks not wel   her remark that Madame de Boyve would say no good of her   her whole conduct about the letter is ssuspicious   I told her I should think much and will not she do so also   Madame de Boyve told me Mrs Barlow only paid fifty franks a month for Page because she took those two reems and remained here long now   why should not Mrs Barlow have chanced to tell me this herself instead of talking as if she paid a hundred   for instance on Thursday she said we paid enough for our servants   there was no establishment here where more was charged   I once asked her income but she got off telling me   why all this   I like it not –

Madame de Boyve asked me to write to her tonight said she would write once in two months –

20 minutes eating grapes –

From 11 3/4 to 2 10/60 wrote the whole of this journal of today –

Fine day – tho’ a little rain when I got up in the morning – Fahrenheit 64° at 2 10/60 p.m.

my cold a good deal better today, but my throat worse – obliged to gargle with vinegar and water –

1824 Friday 19 November

9 1/2

11/2

Breakfast at 10 3/4 –

after breakfast Mrs Barlow came and sat 1/2 hour with me and Miss Harvey came for a few minutes –

at 12 25/60 Mrs Barlow Miss Harvey, Mademoiselle de Sans and I set off (in a remise taken for half the day) to Monsieur le baron Denon’s (Quai Voltaire)   he had promised to take us to see Marshall Soult’s fine collection of Spanish paintings – a Mr Hudson Gerney, a friend of Miss Harvey’s, met us at Monsieur Denon’s to be introduced to him – Mr Gearney is supposed a learned man – a learned member of the antiquarian society of London, but he is a despiser of the society company of ladies and is very gauche amongst them – after staying some time at Monsieur Denon’s he himself accompanied us (went in the carriage with us) to Marshal Soult’s and introduced Mrs Barlow and myself to the marshal – a middle sized, fattish looking man, having as Mrs Barlow observed, more the air of a corporal serjeant than of the, according to Norcliffe, 1st general in Europe – to huge sight of the marshal himself was more interesting than that of all his pictures, however valuable – He is want of money and wishes to sell them – they are valued at 25 hundred-thousand francs and are hung in a suite of 6 or 8 handsome rooms – the best picture, an assumption of the virgin, placed at one end of the sal à manger –

we lost Miss Harvey’s friend (he slank off) and went to the Institution Les Enfans Trouvés – a very interesting sight – every kept in beautiful order and very clean – 25 little iron cribs in 1 of the rooms – curious to hear the mingled cries of 15 or 20 children and see them all wrapt up like little mummies and lying for the moment on a gently inclined plane 1 before the fire to quieten them – all the healthiest children sent into the country – the more sickly one kept here – It was about 3 when we were there – 15 children had already been received – they take all the children that are offered them – never receive less than 12 a day and have received as many as 42 or 45 forget which – at 6 years old the children are taken from their nurses and put into some way to get their bread –

from marshal Soult’s we went to the Val de Grace – a fine chapel turned into a depot for military stores – the altar, under the dome, surrounded by 4 fine twisted columns of marble –

then desired the man to drive us to the Sorbonne – There was nothing to be seen there was the answer we received from the portier –

we then turned back to see the Palais des Thermes – after staying here a little while (there has not been much done since I saw it 2 years ago) we drove back and got home at 4 50/60 –

Dinner at 5 3/4 – Messers St Aubin, Duglos, etc etc stayed down till 9 35/60 and then came to my room – Had a little fire lighted for Mrs Barlow Read my letter from Miss McLean that came just before we were setting off this morning. - very kind and affectionate letter – Mrs Barlow came up to me at 10 40/60, and staying and staid an hour – flirting dead love making but gently and prettily done – from 11 40/60 to 12 25/60 wrote the whole of this journal of today –

Fine day except at little damp falling early in the morning. Fahrenheit 62° when 1st taken out of the glass-drawer – at 11 3/4 – afterwards when placed nearer the fire 65° – High wind to night – cold baddish but rather better than yesterday –

my throat not better –

1824 Thursday 18 November

8 25/60

1 55/60

Hurried over my breakfast meaning to go as soon as possible to Mademoiselle Victorine (n°number 1 Rue Harard, tout pais la rue de Richelien) to ask the lowest price for which she would make me such and such things – but Madame de Boyve sent for me and I sat by her bedside from 10 to 11 1/2, talking over her household economy etc. etc. advised her what to do –

of Mrs Barlow she said she was quite another person now and had been for the last three months when she told Mr de Nappe that Mrs Barlow had complained of his conduct he said why should she of all people she was much changed   I said I did not like him Madame de Boyve said he declared upon his honour he had seen Mr de Chateavillain or perhaps it Chateavillard come out of her room and he Mr de Chateavillard had slept with her all night   Madame de Boyve said she did not believe one word of it but if well educated people could so scandalize a gentle woman and believe it all well might Miss Page or others in low life scandalize Madame Chenelle   I said Mr de Nappe was a mad man but if what he said was true he was a poltreen to tell it and if not true he was the worst of calumniators his insinuation against Mrs Barlows conduct could not excuse his sso kissing the hand of Madame de Boyve whome conduct had always been proper this was proof he coulor might have so so conducted himself to Madame Barlow even if her conduct had given no licence   Madame de Boyve said she was ssorry Mr de Nappe had spoken if excuse for his conduct to Mrs Barlow before Eugene she Madame de Boyve must say Mrs Barlow was coquette au calme at first when she came the first time   she saw Mr de Cuilly a ta soiree here she took hold of his arm paced about the room and their looks were said to be comme des amants   people said they must be engaged and asked Madame de Boyve but she declared on her honour it was the first time they had met   above the line and more lately when he x had put his arm round her waist and she made a piece of fuss he said what was the matter with her that she was sso altered   regular line Mademoiselle iean was a spy in the drawing room and told Page everything   Mrs Barlow too had far too much communication with her servant   after many apologies for fear I should blame her for telling me she said she was amused to see her always walking with me now after all she said of me at first that she could not be seen with me etc   people would think she was with a man in womens clothes   Miss iane had told Page the tread mill business   Page mentioned it in the little salon and Madame Chenelle had asked Madame de Boyve what I could have been doing in England   a person so liked by everyone in the house so repectable distinguee etc etc   most high praises of my character magnanimity frankness etc   I merely said I neither wondered at nor blamed Mrs Barlow   it was all natural enough xxxxxx   Madame de Boyve made great profession how delighted she should be to be worthy my friendship etc etc   I thanked her – some lady came and interrupted us and I left the room and went immediately to Mrs Barlow and sat with her till very near one   I had called for a moment as I went not having said where I was going before she asked if Madame de Boyve had sent for me   she said why did you not tell me   I now represented everything momt favourably studiously concealing all the rest but happening to try her by saying when I asked what Mr de Nappe said to the complaint made that Mrs Barlow was much changed she caught at this saying she did not believe he had said or would say it   it was a much ancete of Madame de Boyve s   I quieted her by calmly saying it a was probable excuse for him to make whether iust or not and commonly urged on such occasions   it strikes me however there is always ssome iealousy of and curiosity about what Madame de Boyve says to me and Madame de Boyve is certainly iealous of Mrs Barlow   why does she tell me all these things for good or for evil   is she astonished the seem all disregarded   she said too that when Mrs le Marchant was here put under Mrs Barlows care Mrs Barlow was very different from when she was before –

Madame Galvani came at 12 55/60 and stayed till 2 6/60 – all the time spent in conversation – she happening to ask me to cut her pencil gave her the patex silver one that will not want cutting I bought in London thinking it would save me buying anything else   wrapt it in a sheet of paper on which I wrote – ‘à Madame Galvani de son amie A Lister Thurs Jeudi 18 Novembre 1824’. –

went to Mrs Barlow we went out together at 3 – called on Mademoiselle Victorine (vide line 1 of today). She herself was engaged – but learnt that a ball dress tube over satin would be (au plus juste) 228 francs of which the garniture would cost 100 francs the satin would be 12 francs per airne – a redingote (pelisse of silk not trimmed with fur) would be 190 francs and a morning gown of levautine was 160 francs – the one I have had made by Madame Bomatier of gros de naples cost not quite 105 francs – said I, je ne suis pas riche – c’est très chère – j’y penserai – Mrs Barlow and I then went Chez Baudy, rue du coq – to look at his edition of Lord Byron’s works 23 volumes 18 mo printed for himself 30 francs – then went to Galignani’s (rue Vivienne) his edition in 16 volumes 12 mo or small 8⁰⁰ on better paper and more Margin, 101 francs – asked him to abate (pour une diminution de dix pour cent) 10 per cent which he refused – and we came away and got home at 4 50/60 –

she talking whether to give me bracelets or a chain the former would cost eighty five franks   I foolishly told her I meant to give her lord byrons works she mentioned galignanis edition which I knew not of and I must give it –

Dinner at 5 40/60 – stayed down stairs – Mrs de Bellevue came about 9 – came upstairs at 9 55/60 – Mrs Barlow came at 10 40/60 and stayed with me 40 minutes – from 11 1/2 to 12 40/60 wrote the whole of this journal of today –

Very fine day – Fahrenheit 62° when I took it out of the xxxxx stass drawer and looked at it about 12 p.m. – Felt a cold coming on yesterday – it has been bad today –

Mrs Barlow and I flirted this forty minutes but did it gently I speaking a great deal of French let her leave me at once and behaved well –

Miss Pope returned this evening – Miss Middleton and I paid her a 6 or 8 minutes visit this evening about 8 – 1/2 hour eating grapes –

 left margin

I remember Mrs Mackenzie I think it was not her mother one day speaking of Mrs Barlow she did not quite know what to make of her she had always ssomething to say against everybody

1824 Wednesday 17 November

9 10/60

2 25/60

Breakfast at 10 1/2 – read over my letter finished last night – the 1st page very affectionate –

pretty and sentimental   liked to have her always with me when away from her like a little skiff sent out to sea nor hand nor helm to guide it thro the track less deep ……

Mrs Page’s complaint to Madame de Boyve against Madame Cherrelle – Mrs Barlow went to speak to Madame de Boyve and could not come to me till after 11 –

then read her the whole of my letter to Π-Mariana narrowly watching her countenance I saw it fall to hear a style so affectionate   she merely remarked it was sso and reioiced I had such a friend   went down with her and sat from twelve to two she having been away quarter hour at luncheon   she thought the letter very warm enough from a husband to a wife but there was nothing beyond friendship   we then talked of my dress my gown shabby my lino frills not fit for me to wear   I offered to give her fifty pounds with which to set me up properly but she dared not venture it – iust before going out came upstairs to put on a napkin my cousin come –

Sent off my letter to M-Mariana (Lawton) about 12 –

at 2 Mrs Barlow nd I went out – along the rue de la paix and the boulevards to the champs Elysées and the barrière de l’ Etoile, on our return walked along the rue St Honoré as far as the palace royal meaning to have gone to the rue de coq to buy books, but turned back – the streets becoming dirty and Mrs Barlow seemed tired – got home at 4 10/60 – stayed with Mrs Barlow in her room till 5 – dinner at 5 40/60 –

Mrs Barlow out of spirits   I saw it was about the letter   she owned she thought it foolish to make such prosessions   explained that it was nothing new to Π-Mariana as the person pointed out as my future companion and whom I had never before felt a win to change said all this was written xxxxx last Sunday week before last Thursday   if simple friendship must content me why change Π-Mariana and how could I be certain Mrs Barlow felt anything beyond friendship till last Thursday   made it appear impossible Π-Mariana could love me   I once admired her but this was past and Mrs Barlow agreed it was more difficult for a thing of this kind to recur than begin altogether new   said Π-Mariana knew me from having learnt the story of Miss Raine which she had been led to investigate from hearing   some of the things she said when first insane but nobody else attended to them   she said also so many things of other people –

Immediately after dinner Madame de Boyve wished to speak to Mrs Barlow and myself – we stayed 40 minutes with her in her own room till 7 25/60 – then going up to Mrs Barlow’s room to talk it all over) a useless row about Madame Chenelle whom she believes all that suits her), after calling in Page and hearing what she has to say agreed to let the thing rest, and entered into our own private chit-chat felt too comfortable to move – had tea brought to us, and stayed quietly together till 11 10/60 when I came to my own room

she got into better spirits   kissed me two or three times of her own accord and I have never known her seem more affectionate   I said she was not calm at heart   no she said she felt too much she liked to feel towards me as one of her best friends and should like to be in Π Mariana’s place   I promised to be a good friend at all events   leaned my head on her breast kissed the left one over her habit shirt wanted to open that she would not permit but closed her shawl   at last however she left this open again   I said my mother had nursed me when my sister was born   she had too much milk I liked it exceedingly asked if she Mrs Barlow would nurse   oh no she could not do this   yes she said it without surprise or anger and as if perhaps I might attain this at least I fancied so I put her hand to left breast saying she had called that her own place why should not I do the same to her   she said that was a different thing   talked of the tread mill business   she said the people stopt to stare at me   she thought it was my gown   it was sso tunbled and shabby  explained that it was not that   it was common enough to be stared at on account of my walk etc.   told some anecdotes   sstopt by bad women on getting into the mail to go to Langton etc.   then she asked me if Mrs Norcliffe knew me   said she was not in my secrets but she was a rattle (described her) and often ioked me about how many flames I had had etc. etc.   she said all sorts of things asked my uncle for ovids art of love told the story of her dining with the folis s before Norcliffe was married etc.   yet everybody liked her   quite a gentlewoman clever a character rather masculine but a capital companion most amiable –

told Mrs Barlow this morning I thought I should have two thousand a year asked how she could live on that   if it would be enough to keep her a carriage and satisfy her not to marry   she gave no very decided answer said the mode of living must depend om myself butt is evident enough she would not refuse to try – we sat on the bed a little tonight she said she was tired   I kept her feelings constantly excited and this tired her –

From 12 to 1 1/4 wrote all this journal of today –

Very fine day – Fahrenheit 58°at 12 p.m. – fire in my room last night and tonight –

Venereal condition, one time treatment on the day, one time treatment in the evening –

20 minutes eating grapes.

1824 Tuesday 16 November

8

3 1/2

Breakfast at 9 1/2 – before and afterwards Translated into French, and wrote out the last 17 lines of letter ‘ 26 Ottobre’ page 10 Iacopo Ortis –

at 10 3/4 went down to Mrs Barlow at 10 50/60 we went out – made some of Mrs Barlow’s shoppings (commissions) in the rue St Honoré and de la paix, took a short walk along the boulevards and came in at 12 35/60 –

Madame Galiani had waited 1/4 hour for me – Mrs Barlow here during 1/2 my lesson – spent the whole time in conversation – did not shew the translation I had done – Madame Galiani left me at 2 5/60 and I went down to Mrs Barlow immediately – found Miss Hervey with her who stayed about 1/4 hour after my arrival – meant to have gone out immediately but stayed talking and did not go till 3 50/60 –

we had been making decided love she sat on my knee a little then slank away to her chair close opposite to mine her legs between my own   she said if she could keep a carriage and live in the same style as her friends around her she would never marry again   I gently rallied her about being merely affectionate said there were few men who could sleep so quietly in her arms (alluding to her speech about sleeping in mine yesterday) as to wish for nothing no more   she said there was a great difference between a persons being always cold and teazed too much   I rallied her on the being xx teazed too much said perhaps I might do it under other circumstances etc etc but if the happiness were all on one side and it was me reendurance on the other the discovery of this would make me miserable   she then delicately but sufficiently left it open to me to infer that this would not be her case that she could love very warmly and I believe it   I said I wished we were married insinuating pretty plainly that if I had once a right to have my own way I should make good use of it and pay her off for all the order she keeps me in now   she smiled leaving me always to understand she would be different if we were settled together   she told me she had iust heard it from Mrs Hervey me Mrs Heath was engaged to marry a captain of an India man but had now grown tired and wished to be off but thought herself so far bound that she could not marry anyone else   Mrs Heath told me the evening she was sitting here with me before Mrs Middleton came that this man was attached to her that if she married any one it would be him   but she knew not how it was she had left England and come here to avoid seeing him and he had wrote to wonder why she brought the dear children to France and why she had so disappointed him of the pleasure of meeting her   Mrs Barlow fancying Mrs Heath had told me what Miss Hervey had said did not like the idea of my not having mentioned it   liked to think I told her everything   she knew I had something in my head when I said Mrs Heath was ssingular   perhaps she too had thought me so and I had talked nonsense to her   she owned she could be iealous of me ‘you are all my own while you are here’ –  I soon however satisfied her that I had nether talked nonsense not know the secret without telling her   at last I became much excited and came upstairs and washed –

From 3 50/60 to 5 10/60 walked to and from the barriere de l’ Etoile –

still lovemaking she said no man even if engaged could go on as I did   I answered I knew instances where the most guarded had forgotten themselves (Andrew Schalch did with Miss Valance?) but much might escape the observation or comprehension of a girl that must be know to a widow   she then said yes colonel Barlow had often been obliged to leave the room she did not understand then what was the matter but fancied he was tired of her so went away from her –

Sat with Mrs Barlow 1/2 hour before dinner and sat down to table at 6 10/60 – came upstairs with Mrs Barlow at 7 55/60 to pay for a pair of screens I bought this morning – we stayed together about 1/2 hour – then she went down and I came to my room meaning to write to M-Mariana had my hair curled – had tea brought to me – then wrote the 1st 22 lines of today and had just done them (at 10) when Mrs Barlow came and stayed with me till 11 1/2 –

she sat a little on my knee but would not remain and was very particular   kept her shawl close pinned would not let me put it back and kept me in good order   said if I xxx had been at liberty I should havxxxxxxxe spared no entreaty to make her take me now with all my imperfections on my head and then perhaps she might have repented afterwards   oh no said she if I once make up my mind I am not a person to repent   I insinuated xxx I now knew her and that even were we engaged she would not indulge me till we were fairly settled together   she took no notice of this but bade me wait quietly till I was at liberty   she is evidently particular with me as if to gain me more securely   I said how much I respected her not one in twenty so tried would have behaved to well   she evidently liked this   we talked of poor Eliza and asked if it was she who was my first and best and dearest love   I said yes none would ever love me as she did nor could I so love again etc. etc.   she said I had given her uneasiness   I acknowledged and she said I looked volage and was sso naturally   I decla she was older than myself calm etc. etc.   could make me happy and keep me always ssteady   said I could not live without someone would almost rather have my maid than none   then said no I was alway momt correctt everyone in the house in a manner that might insinuate I was not always sso out of it she said she knew I had something to tell her I denied this adding but it is not come to this you are not to be my confessor   always sspeak with dread of the day of my going   said when she got up to go I felt perfectly desolate   it was well she could not feel as I did   said she do not know what I feel   I had before said perhaps if you had been long accustomed to me you would love me better than you think   she smiled – she is certainly much attached to me and would gladly have me tomorrow if she could –

From 11 1/2 to 12 1/4 wrote the last 33 lines of today –

Very fine day – Fahrenheit 58°at 12 1/4 p.m. –

ate grapes – from 12 3/4 to 3 5/60 wrote 2 pages and the ends to M-Mariana and then finished the letter began last Sunday week – nothing in it very particular – at the end say I shall probably be at Home by the 14th or 15th of next month, but beg her not to name it, as she knows my dislike to being tied down to time –

Venereal condition with flow of high virulent discharge, two times treatment on the day, two times treatment in the evening

1824 Monday 15 November

8 1/2

2 1/2

at 9 1/2 went down to Mrs Barlow admitted into Miss Page’s room where I waited 1/4 hour and then found Mrs Barlow ready dressed – Page had gone with Miss Barlow to school very early –

Cordingley brought down my breakfast at 11 and I sat with Mrs Barlow till 1 when she went down to luncheon –

she seemed low when I first went in and shed a tear or two at the recollection of what passed yesterday   she said finding she could not sleep last night she had made Page get her a glass of warm brandy and water which compomed her  I reassured her at first  she refused sitting on my knee but seeing her in tears I promised I would behave well and she came and sat quietly and affectionately for some time  she said sitting on my knee was the first thing she had done wrong I did all I could to reconcile her she resumed her usual quiet pensive cheerfulness and we talked of the goings on there had been in the house since she came  a Mr Vade who had been a year here and left here six or seven months ago had had women in his room constantly and madame de Boyve knew it   colonel Wilson here last winter had madame Chenelle the house keeper and then her cousin whom she brought in to him with whom she might perhaps share the profits   madame Chenelle intrigued with the men servants too and others and gave a great many things away   Mrs Middleton and Mr B had once seen her in an odd situation with a man on the stairs she was very ill at one time had a shocking neck and the men servants were ill also   they suspected too that colonel Wilson was a little indisposed on this occasion  he used to like to sit with the servants in the little salon and used to drink his tea with them there   madame de Boyve did not know Mrs Barlow knew of all this   if it were not so she could not have staid in the house –

she finished cutting out my six pocket handkerchiefs and began to hem a little of one –

got ready to go out with Madame de Boyve and appointment made last week but glad to find it rained, came up to my room – Mrs Barlow came to me at 2 and stayed till 4 55/60 – we had a little fire and sat over it very comfortably – Mrs Heath came for 1/4 hour to say goodbye – She was just going to be with some friends in the faubourg St Germain for a month and then return here – She seemed to 1/2 envy the social comfortable manner in which we were sitting together, observing how independent 2 people, who were very intimate, could be of every one else – how pleasant it was -etc-

Mrs Heath being gone Mrs Barlow for a while continued hemming my pocket handkerchief then put it away to walk out for the sun was thining yet still sat still and I continued leaning over and talking to her all the time  I contrived to ask if I had no hope of making her dearer to me before I went   she said no never till we are married   I said I can nothing persuade you to anticipate no said she I hope not   you would then leave me very unhappy   why said I   she answered because it would be wrong I should fret myself to death   I had before said I wished we had to go to England together that we must be five or six nights on the road and must share our room and bed then said I would you not relax  she had then said she hoped not – but I asked if we were married or if we went to Italy together it would be a different thing   to this she made no objection tho when I said were I now at liberty would you consent she xxx answered I was not at liberty and had no right to ask that question adding Π-Mariana would suit me better for she thinks Π-Mariana likes me in spite of my having entirely persuaded her of my own belief that it is impossible   besides I always insist I have so long loved her in a different way I could not perhaps change now   she owned it might be difficult she reminded me of what I had said the day we went to the Louvre and applied it to Charles Lawton that he was imbecile   I said yes tho his first wife had died in child bed   I did not believe the child was his   she began talking of colonel Barlow in a manner which proved they had been happy   he sometimes ssaid to her what would you have done had you married a man much younger who would have teazed you much oftener when he had told her of what had passed in his youth she used to send him off from her for a few minutes  but said I you could not refuse him  no said she that would not have been my duty I should then have deserved to have him leave me   I had perfect confidence in him and he in me   she said he was like me in disposition   he sang and playe well and was a good sportsman and a fine martial man but he had not my talent   speaking of her confidence in him I asked if she thought I could make her iealous   yes I could   ah said I you would not like my manner of talking to this person and that but it is all nonsense   she thinks I am a favorite with Mrs Heath   I insinuated I thought I could please her if I chose but I could not love anyone cared not two straws for the girl who was sso fond of me   she asked whose friend she was   this I would not tell her   said it was not fair for fear of discovery   we agreed that if a man did not after a while tell his wife any and every thing he did not love her so entirely as he ought and that an older woman knew better than a very young one how to love   I said this was a sentiment I had heard Π-Mariana express –  I told her how she Mrs Barlow had changed me   I used to think I could not choose woman who had had any experience and at first I could not bear to hear her name colonel Barlow now I rather liked both these things   she said I did not know her   she was affectionate but insinuated not passionate   she was leaning on my shoulder and said she was happy   she could sleep with me and be so she liked to sleep in a persons arms but wanted no more   she smiled when I gently hinted I could sleep more placidly if lulled to rest by something dearer   she owned she had attached herself to me   she says she can never forget me and hopes I shall always have a little corner for her   I protested yes ssaid our mutual circumstances were as new to me as to her   I had never before so loved and been loved so in vain she indulged me to a certain degree but I  found I had no hope of more till I had some better claim than now –

Dinner at 5 1/2 - sat the evening between Mrs Barlow and Madame Carbonier – then stood talking a while to Madame de Boyve and afterwards to Mademoiselle de Sans and followed Mrs Barlow out of the drawing room at 10 3/4 – Mrs Bellevue spent the evening with us – I read aloud a ghost story in French of 8 or 10 pages from les contes choisies de la Fontaine, etc. – stayed with Mrs Barlow 3/4 hour –

speaking of being together said she what would Mrs Lawton think and hid her face on xx my shoulder   would that said I be an obiection   she answered yes   I talked this off   she said she could live with my aunt   I said Π-Mariana always ssaid if I met with anyone I liked better she would be no tie upon me   Mrs Barlow said that was only fair it would be hard if she quite confined me –

Fine morning till 2 – then heavy rain for near an hour – tolerably fair and fine afterwards – Fahrenheit 58° at 1 40/60 –

From 12 1/4 to 1 40/60, wrote all the above of today - Venereal condition with flow of moderate virulent discharge, one time treatment on the day, two times treatment in the evening -

20 minutes eating grapes –

1824 Sunday 14 November

8 40/60

1 20/60

Breakfast at 9 55/60 –

called and stayed 5 or 6 minutes with Mrs Barlow – then took Cordingley and at 10 50/60, went to our ambassador’s Chapel – Lord Granville who has replaced Sir Charles Stuart arrived 2 or 3 days ago, and attended service this morning Mr Foster (he and his daughter were at our soirée last night) preached 22 mins – from Prov ii – 10 and 11 I was 1/2 asleep all the while, feeling the room rather warm, and having 20 minutes to wait after I got there, I was asleep at the moment when Lord Granville entered – service began at 11 1/2 – got home at 1 10/60 –

Mrs Heath and young de Boyve had been there and Following me home, I went and called on Mrs Heath and sat with her 10 minutes. – then went and sat 1/2 hour with Mrs and Miss Barlow -  thought of calling on Madame Galvani, but it began to rain – dawdled over 1 thing or other – read my letter from my aunt (Shibden) – my father quite recovered – all well – will be delighted to have me back again –

at about 2 50/60, Mrs Barlow came to me and stayed till 4 50/60 – sat talking to me time it did me harm to sit on my knee it was all for my take she refused at last she consented sapphic love was again mentioned I spoke rather more plainly it was ssomething Mr Middleton had said that made her comprehend what I had said about artifice I mentioned the girl at a school in dublin that had been obliged to have surgical aid to extract the thing said boys learnt much vice too at school the practice of onanism etc. etc.

she said the warm look she had said som truck her the first time she called on me was directed to her bosom from little to more I became rather excited felt her breasts and queer a little tried to put my hand up her petticoats but she prevented touched her flesh iust above the knee twice I kissed her warmly and held her strongly she said what a state I was putting my self into she got up to go away and went to the door I followed finding she lingered a moment pressed her closely and again tried to put my hand up her petticoats finding she would not let me do this but still that she was a little excited I became regularly so myself I felt her grow warm and she let me grubble and press her tightly with my left hand while I held her against the door with the other all the while putting my tongue into her mouth and kissing her so passionately as to excite her not a little I am sure when it was over she put her handkerchief to her eyes and shedding a few tears ssaid you are used to these things I am not I reminstrated against this declaring I was not so bad as she thought me and in iust ice like this from her would make me miserable etc. etc. she blamed herself saying she was a poor weak creature I coniured her not to blame herself it was all my fault I loved her with all my heart and would do anything for her asked if she loved me a little bit you know I do said she I still therefore pressed her to let me in tomorrow before she was up when Miss Page was gone with Miss Barlow to school she would not promise asked me what I would do I said teach her to love me better I insinuated we had now gone too far to retract and she might as well admit me in fact she herself put this into my head by saying I had gone down this morning iust before breakfast when she would not let me in because I knew Page was away gone for Miss Barlow I took the hint said I did not like Pages being always there said Mrs Barlow when I am alone it is very well for then she guards me and nobody can say anything against me I seek no notice but this sspeech struck me inconsequence of all I have heard from madam de Boyve

on leaving me her face looked hot her hair out of curl and herself languid exactly as if after a connection had taken place on going to when dinner when dinner was ready the impuse of the moment made her take my hand but recollecting her daughter was there we were quite proper she seemed languid during dinner –

Dinner at 5 35/60 – a Mr and Mrs Cunliffe from near Bordeaux, he a merchant there, she 6 months gone in the family way, joined our party today and were introduced to us just before dinner – They look like very respectable negociants – he the more comme il faut of the 2 – Sat during the evening between Mrs Barlow and Madame Carbonier, but did not talk much – begged Mrs Barlow to come to me for a few minutes – Left the drawing room with Madame Carbonier and Miss Middleton at 9 55/60 – Madame Carbonier being moved into the room next Miss Harvey’s, went in with her for 5 minutes – met Mrs Barlow at the door – she was returning – I saw Cordingley smile (but took no notice) when I said she must come for a few minutes – I said 10 – and replied replied but my minutes were always so long – however she came and stayed 20 minutes with me –

of her own accord sitting on my knee she looked low and said she was tired she shed a tear or two and blamed I said she would make me miserable and could she do so oh no said she on this I behaved very affectionately but quietly and well oh said she I wish you were always quiet I want no more I begged to be admitted tomorrow and she spoke as if tho she would not promise she would not refuse – I came out this evening that she liked me for my pride she used to have much now she ought not   I read a part all my own doing of her letter from Mrs Lemarchant in which she writes to her respectfully and handsomely Mrs Barlow says she is generally speaking rather reserved –

Just after church read Mrs Barlow a few lines from my aunt’s letter – how delighted they would be to have me home again – then wondering at my being a favourite here –

Highish wind this morning when it abated about 2, it began to rain a little and continued so to do for some time xxxxxxx Fahrenheit 62°at 12 20/60 p.m.

from 11 1/4 to 12 20/60 wrote all the above of today –

Venereal condition with flow of moderate virulent discharge, one time treatment on the day, two times treatment in the evening -

1824 Saturday 13 November

9

3 55/60

Breakfast at 10 1/4 –

at 10 3/4 went out with Mrs Barlow went with her to the marble shop close by – to her banker’s (Mallet, rue Mont Blanc) and to another shop or 2, and then left her at the door of Lady Ouseley’s aunt Mrs Zewell, and returned home (bought a bunch of roses at the corner of the rue St Honoré for Madame de Boyve)

at 12 35/60 to Madame Galvani who stayed with me from 12 3/4 to 2 5/60 – spent all the time in conversation – speaking of xx Italian work to give a young girl a friend of mine (Isabelle Dalton) and mentioning Dante, Madame Galvani  said it was not fit to give to an unmarried lady sho ought not to own she had read and understood it there was a passage in the Inferno, the metamorphosis of a man into a serpent, the change of each member, which was very indecent. She had not read if before she married, nor had her mother before that suffered her to read Les Contes de la Fontaine – mentioned my quarto edition of Boccacio – she read there was only quarto editions of them, and it was excellent and valuable - owned Boccacio to be far more indecent than Dante – mentioned the voyage a Ploubières (vid. page 107) –

she knows french men well is quite sure none would give an indecent book to a woman we respected I thought of Mrs Barlow –

at 2 10/60 went down to Mrs Barlow meaning to go out – she thought it would be too much for her – I therefor stayed with her till 4 35/60 –

love making vindicatory style of conversation respecting myself a great picle escaped my maid and got among the worn people my father was one year in the militia when my mother thought me safe I was running out in an evening saw curious sscenes bad women etc then went to the manor school and became attached to eliza said how it was all nature etc etc had it not been genuine etc etc the thing would have been different said I had thought much studied anato my etc could not find it out could not understand myself it was all the effect of mind no exterior for mation accounted for it alluded to their being an internal correspondence or likeness of some of male and female organs of generation alluded to the stones not slipping thro the ring till after birth etc  she took all this very well I said ladies could often hear from a man what they could not from a woman and she could from me what she could not from Mrs Mackenzie she allowed this ssaying it depended on how one loved them

got on the subiect of regard said there was artifice in it it was very different from mine would be no pleasure to me I liked to have those I loved near me as possible etc etc asked if she understood she said no told her I knew by her eyes she did and she did not deny it therefo I know she understands all about the use of a olisbos alluded to selfpollution how much it was practised thought my connection with the ladies more excusable than this she declared she had never heared of this (I was incredulous at heart)

from one thing to a other got to tell her that the business of Thursday was exhausting beyond measure as it always was to excite and then disappoint nature said if a man loved his wife as he ought he would say anything to her and indelicacy depending upon our own minds many things might pass between them without the least indelicacy that would otherwise be shocking she agreed tho I hinted at xxx a wife?sometimes having no night shift at all for a little while she said if I wore mens clothes she should feel quite differently she could not then sit on my knee if my father had brought me up as a son she would have married me as I am had I stated my case to her a line even tho had rank and fortune and been nineteen and at that age she was worth having I thanked her happening to say I often told my uncle and aunt how I longed to have someone with me she wondered what they would think of the person I said my aunt knew nothing about it nor would my uncle think anything then expressing my wish to have her she answered but we have had no priest but love do you not know the quotation I did not xx yet I said yes and passed it over kissed her repeatedly rather warmly

we get on gradually perhaps I shall have her yet before I go told her when speaking of Eliza we had once agreed to go off together when of age but my conduct first delayed it and then circumstances luckily put an end to it altogether said I had I never mention this to any human being but herself at this moment I half fancy I long since told it to Π-Mariana –

at 4 35/60 ran off to the rue St Honoré  for more flowers – the flower woman gone – told the porter to get me 2 very pretty bouquets, one for Madame de Boyve (not the 1st I gave her good enough) the other for Mrs Barlow

Did not dress – got down to dinner at 5 – immediately on leaving table, went with Mrs Barlow to her room and stayed with her from 5 50/60 to 8 – then dressed – had the hair dresser after her and paid him 2 francs for making me a terrible grenadier-like looking figure –

Mrs Barlow stayed with me here 1/2 hour, and we then went down to the party at 9 10/60 -  perhaps about 70 people – they danced quadrilles (in the drawing room) we all sitting round – 3 card tables in the room next to us and almost all the guests who were not dancing) and waltzes, Mrs de Boyve and sometimes Mademoiselle de Sans played on the piano, which was all the music they had – the ladies looked by no means all of them first rate – the gents appeared most the best of the 2 – Mrs Williams of ridiculous notoriety at Bath in 1813 for dancing estillons with her monkey-faced husband etc etc formerly Mrs Briscoe wife to the governor of St Helena of that name – a dashing person risen I fancy from nothing, was here to night and danced too at the close of the evening in the same set with her daughter Mrs Stackpole by the Mrs Barlow and her daughter Miss Williams by Mrs so – Miss Trelawney (said to be a wild and occasionally vulgar girl) looked the most stylish of any to them – she (and I think she had a sister who has the same) has ₤20,000 – the mother a large vulgar looking person – ditto Miss Pope’s friend Mrs Kidd –

Tea cold bread and butter and a few sweet cakes – afterwards tumbler glasses of common wine and water and what looked  like milk and water – the cakes we had at tea – very indifferent – all the gents held their common round hats in their hands tho’ it was professedly a ball – only putting them down while they danced – Mrs Barlow having asked me whether I would have her dance or not, I said no, and she refused, tho’ I think with some regrets at doing so, Mr Bellevue etc quizing her – at last I told him it was I would not let her dance  - she had a daughter 14 – it was time maman gave up dancing – it might do for a French woman but not for an English woman – her and I left the room at 12 10/60 and I went into her room and sat with her with her 1/2 hour –

lovemaking kissed her neck she would have me stay no longer ‘ go said she remember the servants perhaps they do not love each other as we do’  I rallied her on having said we ah said she I hoped you would not notice it I perpetually express my wish to stay all night with her she says nothing against it she said tonight now sit down and compose yourself you look poorly meaning empassioned she told me before dinner I had given her a warm look the first morning she came to call on me and she had remembered it ever since and always liked me –

Had 1/4 hour’s nap – 1/4 hour eating grapes – from 1 3/4 to 3 1/4 wrote the whole of the journal of today –

Fine day – tho’ a few drops or rain between 4 and 5, and perhaps afterwards in the evening – Fahrenheit 60° at 3 1/4 tonight –

Venereal condition with flow of low virulent discharge, one time treatment on the day, two times treatment in the evening-

high wind tonight –

1824 Friday 12 November

10

2 3/4

Breakfast at 11 –

at 11 40/60 called on Miss Harvey and sat with her 20 minutes Mrs Barlow called on her too, and, at 12, she and I went to Marshal S               to see his small collection of paintings and 5 or 6 statues – a weeping female sitting on her feet by Canova (very good) in a pretty small room with brown silk hangings – good collection – one ought not to miss seeing it there for I was glad to have gone –

Mrs Barlow and I then sauntered along the passages de l’opéra – went into a capital work shop there bought a China extinguisher for Mrs Barlow and some nacre silk winders for Marian and went along the boulevards and the rue St Denis to the rue Bourg-l’Abbé, 36 fabrique d’Eventails de Louis, Constellier, where I bought 2 fans – beautiful ones in nacre at 60 francs each – then went to number 39 fabriques d’eventails Janin, in the same street where I bought another fan – somehow I liked the 1st shop the best tho’ perhaps there might be a larger assortment at the second – from here returned as we went, but stopt to eat pastry patisserie chez Felix, passage des Panoramas, and sauntered along the passage – in returning home ordered slippers, green morocco, very good at 3 francs a pair – got home at 5 –

Dinner at 5 40/60 – Mrs Barlow and I went up together immediately from table into her room at 6 3/4 where we sat very cozily till 8 35/60 when (Mrs Barlow not liking to go down) I went by myself and joined the party in the drawing room till 10 and then returned to Mrs Barlow and sat with her till 11 40/60 when I came up to bed –

lover like as usual no recurrexnce to yesterday that she disliked she sat cutting out my pocket handkerchiefs I said how much I was happier within these few days I was now allured I was not indifferent to her and that the distance at which she chose to keep me was less the result of inclination than of what she deemed propriety she did not contradict this her manner acknowledged I maintained that my very folly was the effect of everything she wished tho not itself what she wished it did not spring from regard so unworthy her acceptance as she imagined she xx wondered how I could so like an old woman as she was I said if she really thought this I only hoped it was an argument in favour of what I had iust said about my regard she was not passee not old to me yet still it could not be the bloom of you for beauty that I loved her for in stooping over her the waist of my new gown hut off a little she put her hand down on the left side almost to touching the xxx nipple of the breast evidently wishing to feel it she felt the stuffing but made no remark I let her do it observing I should hope to do the same she did not much notice this but with a half no she said it looked as if ready for anyone I said for none but herself but she might do anything she said others might who liked no said I I do what I like but never permit them to do so this sseemed to please her

she still fancies Π-Mariana likes me and tonight insinuated what might have passed anying but of course you would never tell me I turned this off dexterously as usual and I think considering Π-Marianas mariage she feels unwillingly constrained to believe me – I kissed her neck xx over her habit shirt she said she was all skin and bone now her pillows were gone I said they satisfied me she afterwards drew her shawl close round her saying as she found me getting a little empassioned I did myself harm she did not like to see me in that state I kissed her lips and forehead several times and on coming away put my tonge a very little into her mouth she said tho without the least appearance of anger that I had forgotten myself I answered it was much more difficult to forget my so little than to remember myself so well meaning that I had not forgotten myself much might easily have mine it more she begins to stand closer to me and I might easily press queer to –

our lik ing each other is now mutually understood and acknowledged I asked her this morning how much she thought I  liked her she said as much as contented her and that was not a little she would not re fuse sleeping with me if we could manage it well and then –

writing all the journal of today took me from 12 20/60 to 1 40/60 –

Fine day – Fahrenheit 63°at 1 40/60 p.m.

Venereal condition with flow of medium virulent discharge, one time treatment on the day, two times treatment in the evening –

Felix the patissier would take a servant to instruct cordingley e.g. for example for 100 francs a month – she ought to be 4 months with them – from 8 a.m. to 5 or 6 in the evening –

1/4 hour eating grapes –

1824 Thursday 11 November

8 10/60

4

Breakfast at 9 35/60 – Mrs Barlow came at 10 10/60 ready to go out shopping immediately –

asked her to sit down for iust one minute and we sat love making till ten minutes before twelve then went to a shop in the rue neuve saint Roch (not far from here) and bought 4 ells each of cambric at 18 francs . . . per ell – Mrs Barlow to hem me my handkerchiefs – got back at 12 3/4 – found Madame Galvani waiting for me – spent all the time in conversation – she left me at 2 10/60 –

then immediately came Mrs Barlow to go out again she iumped upon the window seat to see if it rained I locked the door as usual then lifted her gown and placed her on my knee by and by said she is the door fast I forgetting got up to see then took her again upon my knee and there she sat till four and three quarters when Miss Desssentt ask if I could receive told the maid I was ssorry I could not I had got so bad a headache the fact was I was heated and in a state not fit to mee anyone I had kissed and pressed Mrs Barlow on my knee till I had had a complete fit of passion my knees and thighs shook my breathing and everything told her what was the matter she said she did me no good I said it was a little headache and I could go to sleep –

I then leaned on her bosom and pretending to sleep kept pottering about and rubbing the surface of her queer then made several gentle effortts to put my hand up her petticoats which however she prevented but she so crossed her legs and leaned against me that I put my hand over and grubbled her on the outside of her petticoats till she was evidently a little excited and it was from this that Miss dessent maid roused us

Mrs Barlow had once whispered hiding her head on my shoulder a word or two which I think were do you love me but I took no notice still pretending to be asleep she afterwards ssaid once or twice it is good to pretend to be asleep and then once added when I was grubbling outside pretty strongly you know you pinch me from this she never attempted to escape before when rubbing her in front she had every now and then held my hand but always let me have it back again after Miss dessent maid had roused us she took her chair close to the bed I sat on the bed and partly knelt on one knee to as to have her quite close and she began to reproach herself saying she was a poor weak creature and what should I think of her I protested love and respect said it was all my fault and I should be miserable if she was sso severe to herself can you not love me one little bit for all the great deal I love you if do not love me I cannot forgive you are too cruel thus to sport with the feelings of another but if you do love me I am happy what do you think said she oh I replied that you do she answered if she did not love me she could not have one as she did I kissed her mouth several ti mes when it was a little open and rather warmly

iust before she left me said she was tired I asked why she answered because her feelings had been excited she told me she had always kept all others at a great distance I said I did not doubt it for if she could keep me at a distance under present circumstances she certainly could others when not so tried

I said she frightened me she had talked to me before we went out this morning about settling near southampton with the widow of her husbands oldest brother general barlow who was also her aunt her mothers ssister and about fifty she had a son and daughter grown up –

Dinner at 5 1/2 -saying I had a headache, came upstairs immediately after dinner – brought Mrs Heath with me to sit a while – and meeting Miss Middleton could not but ask her also – she came about 9 – we had tea brought here and they sat till a minute or 2 after Mrs Barlow came at 10 10/60 and naming the hour, both seemed well enough satisfied with the visit

Mrs Heath evidently not glad to have our tete a interrupted she had told me of a captain of an india man she might marry but her heart always ssickened when it came to the point yet she thought if she married at all it would him iust before she left india after her husbands death a colonel wrote her a most romantic letter asking her to marry him but she said she must return he followed her and died on the voyage this she could not bear to think of it was a piece bad fortune explained how happy she had been with her husband from her account he must have been much attached she said people did not always like her at first but when they did know her they liked her very much I told her how stupid I thought her at first now how much the contrary etc etc said she was odd had much humour and candour and by these she won people speaking of about in of hers she said he was very clever but she really thought a little mad on considering all I have seen of herself I think the same may be her case her tiring of things as sseen as gained tho she says she does not tire of her friends and all she said to me tonight remind me very much of flightiness -

Mrs Barlow stayed with me 11 1/4 – she looked a little grave as if half shamed and wondering how I should treat her I was very respectful tho affectionnate said I had fancied I had much to may to her but all seemed gone and I had not a word to say I was happy yet could cry like a child if I chose little as this was ever my custom she said this would better suit her I denied this asked her to sit on my knee she refused saying she did me harm I still entreated and she yielded on my promise to behave well I wished she could remain with me instead of expressing any obiection she said but as it is impossible I had better go and then went –

now that the ice is a little broken what will it end in has she any hope of attaching me really she is ssufficiently yield in saying to madame Galvani that she was pretty no not at all said she beacoup plus laide que moi and that she looked eight and thirty her skin and complexion were bad – I thought of all this when kissing her and thought it would not do for always –

Madame Galavni brought me 2 editions of Martial to look at – 1 2 volumes 12mo Barbou Paris 1754 – no notes – the other ‘ paraphrase et notis variorum selectifsimis, ad usum serenifsimi Delfhini, interpre- -tatus est Vincentius Collesso, J.C. numismatibus, historias atque ritus illustrantobusm exornavit Lud. Sruids, M.D. Amstelaedami …..1701’ – 1 thick 8⁰⁰, handsomely bound in red morocco, in very good presentation price asked 40 francs – all the obscure epigrams collected together at the end – and a copious vocabulary –

Fine day – highish, whistling wind tonight – Fahrenheit 67° at 1 25/60 p.m. (a good fire in my room all day since 12) at which hour had just finished writing all the above of today –

said Mrs Barlow go to bed early do not write tonight I answered I have not much to write no need of it I can remember today without xxxxx without writing –

Till 2 55/60 looking over the above last named edition of Martial then quarter hour reading iohannes ssecund and incurred a cross –

Venereal condition with flow of medium virulent discharge, one time treatment on the day, two times treatment in the evening –

1/4 hour eating grapes –

1824 Wednesday 10 November

8 25/60

2 10/60

Breakfast at 9 50/60 – read from 24 to 29 volume 1 Carolus de Litchfield – sent to say I should be glad to see Mrs Barlow settled my accounts and looking over my money till 11 10/60 –

Dawdled over 1 thing or other till 11 40/60 when Mrs Barlow came – sat with me till 12 when she was sent for to colonel and Mrs Gregory Birch whod had called on her –

said how ill I behaved last night the opera had set me all wrong and I would go no more asked if she was ill no I saw she was pothered madame de Boyve had been disturbed last night by people sending for hot water she wanted to know if xxxxxxxx Mrs Barlow was not ill because she sat up till after one Mrs Barlow knew she did not like her to sit to burn to many candles and all the perpetually recurring little things pothered xxx her she leaned on my shoulder and seemed hurt ah said she I should not mind it so if I did not think you blamed me so much she cer tainly seems fond of me and said it spoilt her I told her I did not blame her she had not allowed she thought madame de Boyve selfish little minded and that she had not a good temper this was sspeaking plainly and intelligibly without leaving me to surmise more than she said and I was ssatisfied I was then affectionate saying now she had told me all this and found I did not blame at all I hoped she had got over all her potheration she thought the gregorys had brought the carriage to take her but she would say she was engaged to me

from 12 to 12 20/60 wrote the last 12 lines – then 1/2 hour translating from the Italian into French – Mrs Barlow then came back to me for 3/4 hour – then went down to see Mrs Heath and I got ready to go out and went down to them at 2 5/60 –

Mrs Heath left us on hearing our intention to go shopping, but on settling down for Mrs Barlow to have a crust of bread we began talking and continued till 3 40/60 when we jumped up went to the end of the rue de la Paix and a little way along the boulevard and got home at 5 to dress for dinner at 4 1/2 – went and sat with Mrs Barlow again from 4 40/60 to 5 then dinner –

Mr de Bellevue dined with us, and went to the play with Madame de Bourke Mademoiselle Hervey and Mademoiselle de Sans to whom he had given tickets and a box – Madame Carbonier, Mrs Barlow, Mrs Heath, Miss Middleton and I spent an agreeable evening together – Madame de Boyve and her son only with us a little while – Long conversation on religious subjects – all came away at 10 35/60 – I went with Mrs Barlow into her room and stayed with her till 11 1/2 when I came to my own room –

Mrs Barlow liked the opinions I had given on religious ssubjects and said I spoke very well   love making as usual and considerably excited when with her I said how happy I was when with her she said she was iust as happy when with me told her tonight I would call her maria asked if I might she said she was obliged to me for the wish to do so I asked if she would burn my letters she said she would do what ever xx I asked her I thanked her saying I should then write more at my ease assured that she would destroy all that it might be imprudent to keep this ssanction enough to my writing what I  like observed that many things I said it would not be prudent to write if she kept my letters she agreed and  when I talked of writing as I spoke she made no obiection but seemed well enough satisfied

she said in the morning iust before we went out I should suit her entirely but she would not suit me it would be difficult at first to be attentive enough to me without appearing to neglect her child –

speaking of her good figure and pretty hand and of her feet asked her to let me span her ankle she refused I said a was contented she should refuse me this now but could not bear it if we were always together oh said she then it would be a different thing she now stands nearer to me when I kiss her yet she always withdraws the moment it becomes that I am excited she certainly understand how to gain ones affections she has a tact and delicacy by which she owned she had retained the love of her husband I really do like her now and I think she is as much attached to me

she was rather low this morning said she must exert herself for her childs ssake otherwise should not care how soon she was removed from this world I think she regrets what she knows of my enga gement to Π-Mariana tho the handsome and proper manner in which she speaks of it pleases me much she told me today my only plan when I hinted at breakfast the engagement that is changing my mind was not to pother myself about it but let things go on quietly till I was left to myself and then determine

she has a nice little figure she is lady like and quiet yet very affectionate she really does sseem to know how to manage me and I might choose worse she still suspects she says that Π-Mariana likes me but if she she be the character I represent how could she do other than behave to me with the distance I represent while she is the wife of another I said I had known her before she married   yes ssaid she but you might neither of know your own minds then Mrs Heath in all her simplicity told us tonight she had flirted for amusement tired of her admirers as ssoon as gained as she did of everything else however much she had before wished for it she had longed for children yet the moment she had one did not care for having it tho she always did and always should love her children her husband was the only thing she never tired of and he used to tell her it was very well she did not tire of him –

a little gentle rain when I got up, or soon afterwards – then a fine day, tho’ a little damp rain about 5 – Fahrenheit 60°at 1 1/4 at which hour I had just finished (having been just an hour about it) the whole of this journal of today Except the 1st 12 lines –

Venereal condition with flow of low virulent discharge, one time treatment on the day, two times treatment in the evening-

1/2 hour eating grapes – rather high, whistling wind tonight -

1824 Tuesday 9 November

9 10/60

2 50/60

at 10 1/4 went down to Mrs Barlow for about 3/4 hour – brought her back with me to see Miss Harvey who called and staid with me (with us) till luncheon was announced at 12 50/60 –

Began my breakfast a few minutes before she left us and finished it after Madame Galvani came at 1 – we had talked over Madame de Boyve’s management our sorry that it was not such as could the pensionaire answer as well as it ought and as we wished etc. Mrs Barlow left me when Madame Galvani came who stayed till 2 5/60 – spent the whole time in conversation having done nothing more of my translation from the Italian –

at 2 1/2 set off with Barlow to the school at Mont Parnasse where Miss Barlow is to wish her joy on her 14th birthday – took a fiacre near the rue de Bac – I left Mrs Barlow and walked beyond the barrier of Mont Parnasse and sauntered about for 20 minutes – then rejoined Mrs Barlow saw her daughter for 2 or 3 minutes and we returned along the boulevards close past the hotel Des Invalides, and got home at 4 40/60 – flirted a little but talked reasonably about Miss Barlows future and last of education etc. etc.

Dinner at 5 40/60 – about 7 1/4 Mrs Barlow Mrs Heath, Mademoiselle de Sans Monsieur Dacier and myself set off (in a fiacre) to the Italian to see Madame Pasta in Nina mad for love – She was certainly very great – her voice and sining very fine - She very graceful - Madame Galvani some time ago said she was decidedly a very much better singer than Catalani –

Mr Dacier paying attention to Miss de Sans to which she shews no dislike and I toMrs Barlow under our shawls had my arm round her waist great part of the time felt a little excited by the music etc etc and she surely knew it full well I thing she felt something herself had my arm round her waist oo as we returned –

Fiacres not allowed to drive up to the door of the opera-house after the opera is over – we had there for to walk perhaps 100 more yards than got into a fiacre and got home at 11 20/60 – went immediately into Mrs Barlow’s and stayed with her till 12 3/4 we had tea, and I had some of my grapes –

dead love making and talked a litt foolishly said if I could not make a good hit I should make a bad one hinting at having a mistress seeing her look as if xxxxxxxxxx angry turned it that I should shut my self up from the world she said she knew I took tea merely for an excuse to stay with her a little longer and this was true she saying the tea would prevent her sleeping she was with me she answered she could sleep quietly with me I half smiled and looked in silence eloquent then asked she would be asking to me if she was always with me why should I not said she ah I answered would you be exactly so kind and no more would you not relax a little said she what questions you ask that you have no business to ask you are engaged I know said I you told me before I should know my own mind I inquired that of others it is not my mind I dont know I that well enoug hinting how foolish I had been to engage myself but I should see how circumstance were in two or three years ssaid I was at present waiting for what would be a shadow even if I had got it cut I would not do anything my uncle did not like etc, here she pretended not to understand me said I would not for worlds have all this known it would make a quarrel between Π Mariana and I Miss Norcliffe would make a ioke of it and perha ps tell it at unawares Miss Maclean would stare as if she had never had the use of her eyes before I had before told her I had once had a person with me with whom I had gone to bed at ten and lain till one two three and later the next day and my father would not have us disturbed she leened and said she would not have had such a person in her house –

iust before going to the opera had come up to put my things on and kissed her left cheek till it was quite red and three places quite raised when she shewed me I laughed heartily declaring I knew not what I was doing she said she was ashamed to go downstairs I believe she was but she was not at all angry –

at dinner madame de Boyve mentioning my silence last night I said I was always sso in such case she was too mad to be admitted witness the manner in which he kissed her hand besides he incommo ded xxx she said that was not my affair yet ssaid all Mrs Barlows affairs are mine a little more passed but finding me staunch to my purpose and that I turned his sso kissing her hand completely against her she turned the subject and after dinner asked me to give her my hand which I did very cordially –

on looking in my secretaire this morning found the 6 numbers of the work on butterflies that there was a row about last night and sent my compliments and an apology to Madame de Boyve for the trouble I had so unnecessarily given – thought it right to mention publickly at dinner –

a little light rain for a little while after I got up afterwards a very fine day – Fahrenheit 60° at 2 25/60 p.m. at which hour had just finished writing all the above of today –

Venereal condition with flow of medium virulent discharge, one time treatment on the day, two times treatment in the evening.

1824 Monday 8 November

8 50/60

2 10/60

Went down to Mrs Barlow at 10, stayed with her till 11

her own room not done sat in her servants who was gone with miss Barlow to school talked very kindly begged her to sit on my knee at last she did on the right for the last quarter I behaved and conversed very properly now and then gently kissing her throat

at 11 came up again to my room – breakfast

sent Cordingley to the Post Office with my letter written yesterday to my aunt (Shibden) and at 11 50/60 set off with Madame Carbonier (walked) to Chaillon number 12, to see her daughter au pension there (19 young ladies there) at 500 franks a month, to be set straight, she is very much deformed – the whole right side much enlarged – a nice looking house, situate in a nice garden in which the young ladies were walking – they lie on inclined planes all the day except from 12 to 2 when they walk, and from 6 to 8 in the evening – they are not allowed to sit down – must either stand, or walk, or lie down – while lying on the inclined planes (at least, saw I for this purpose furnished with an apparatus for conveying a stream of cold water) they have cold water poured on the weak parts –

went into the grande rue de Chaillon to buy medice returned to the  pension – then walked leisurely home – went to the boulevard des Madeleines to a print shop – and got home at 3 1/4 – went immediately to Mrs Barlow in 10 minutes we were off to the Tuilleries gardens and walked up and down the walk just below the South terrace till 4 50/60 and got home at 5 10/60 – just time to dress and sit down to dinner at 5 1/2 –

strong love making yes I did it well without being nonsensical she will have it she is too old for me she likes me but she really behaves very well iudiciously said a little more about the letter she spoke as if she would explain it perhaps ssooner than I expected and said she had never committed herself but to me I said I would not for worlds have Π-Mariana or anyone know the nonsense I had talked to her she her honour was at stake not to name it and I was quite safe I had told her in the morning how I had talked of her to the Mackenzies and what we had all said of her about fancying every man in love with her and about her being to me times too oobliging to people at first the world was bad enough to be always looking for motives she said it was true she had a weakness in wishing to oblige e very one she would manage this better in future –

on asking Mr Coulogne if he had safely received the books I returned last night about 11 10/60 p.m., surprised to find the 6 numbers of butterflies were missing – they must have been taken by someone – spoke to Madame de Boyve and the servants up to seek them in vain –

staid all the evening down stairs – writing several cards notes of invitation for next Saturday – ‘ Monsieur and Madame de Boyve prient Monsieur --- de leur faire l’honeur de venir passer la soirée chez eux, samedi le 13 courant. Paris le 9 Novembre’ Talked a good deal to Mrs Heath – only latterly sat on the sopha next Mrs Barlow and was just coming up to bed at 10 when Monsieur de Nappe and soon afterwards another gentleman came – and we could not leave Madame de Boyve all the rest having slunk off – the former mad as the winds, and inclined to take little liberties with Mrs Barlow –

he had before kissed the hand of madame de Boyve with his mouth wide open and in a manner anything but proper she spoke to him and remonstrated – I put on a face as grave as possible stood close to Mrs Barlow kept him at bay and hardly uttered Madame de Boyve observed this and did not like it – when the other gentleman was gone she spoke to me about I told her I did the sort of thing Mr Denasse was too mad and incommoded Mrs Barlow she said it was no affair of mine but she did not know what Mrs Barlow had told me I said nothing but I would explain the matter tomorrow if she choose meaning to remind her it was she herself had told me that I remembered thatMr de Nasse declared a frenchman had slept with Mrs Barlow on coming upstairs with Mrs Barlow went into her room and sat with her three quarters hour she begged me not to say anything to madame de Boyve it would all fall on her oh said let me have my own way I will settle all that I can make madame de Boyve understand me quite thought I to myself how little you know or shall know what I mean talked to her very kindly she seemed low at the thought of my going begged me so to tell her when that I did naming the first week in december she asked if I should ever quite forget her never said I speaking of writing she asked me to do sometimes I said I might writ half a dozen letters bef ore I wrote one that pleased me it would not do to write what came utter most I must correct it till prudence was ssatisfied she knew not how she durst write to me –

very fine day – Fahrenheit 62° at 1 5/60 p.m. at which hour had just finished writing in 55 minutes the whole of this journal of today – left the drawing room at 10 55/60 – stood 3/4 hour with Mrs Barlow in her room and came to my own at 11 40/60 –

1834 Sunday 31 August

7 35/..

11

no kiss

fine morning Fahrenheit 59°at 7 40/.. a.m.

breakfast at 9 –

siding books etc –

with my aunt at 12 Ann and I read prayers in 1/2 hour till 1 10/.. –

we walked to Lightcliffe church in 3/4 hour – there at 3 – Mr Bellamy did all the duty. preached 1/2 hour from psalm xix 10 and 11 – 1/2 asleep –

3/4 hour at Cliff hill till 5 1/4 – Mrs Ann Walker did shake hands with me en entrant and en sortant, but unwillingly!? and scolded Ann all the time – no shew of pleasure to see us – very ill turned – nothing right – a thorough jobation –

home, by the walk, dinner at 7. Coffee as usual – sat talking till 9 –

then I 3/4 hour with my aunt – too poorly to bear having us both together at night –

showers till between 1 and 2 p.m. afterwards fair and fine Fahrenheit 60° at 10 1/2 p.m. –

1834 Saturday 30 August

..

12 35/..

Tolerably fair during the night – Both Ann and I slept a good deal – she very comfortably not having to awake at each stage as I had to pay the postboy –

at Leicester at 1 55/.. a.m.

Between Alfreton and Chesterfield (at 9 1/4 a.m.) Garley in stook – Every thing quite green – no trace of autumn – fine country here –

at the Angel Inn, Chesterfield, at 10 – breakfast – off again at 12 –

fine morning but cloudy – had been much rain every where lately, but the road rather drier from here –

at Sheffield at 1 37/.. alighted at Rogers’ shop and stood looking at the cutlery etc and making a few purchases till 2 55/.. – very nice well plated portable tea-pot containing coffee pot cream and sugar basins = ₤6 – canteens fitted up to order as also dressed boxes etc –

at 4 35/.., 4 miles from Penniston oats in stook –

at Penniston at 5 10/.. obliged to take 4 horses (sent them off at 6 52/.. just before entering Huddersfield)

1st time except from Dartford to top of Shooter’s hill and begun with flagged causeway – oats and wheat in stook - the man at the George Inn Huddersfield would not settle what I was to pay for the horses – said I would not have horses from him again –

Ann nervous and frightened down Ainley hill – too steep –

at Shibden at 8 55/.. – wall built up between garden and north end of the house – vexed about it – all pretty well –

saw my aunt - tea till 11 40/.. –

a few flying showers from Sheffield and again on starting from Penniston – fair on arriving at Shibden Fahrenheit 64°at midnight –

Memoranda for Baxter respecting the carriage

Pole to be fitted for 4 horses i.e.

with brass hook at the end

Mail coach lamps

Could barometer be fixed at the top along the back

net to hook on at the top so as to take off easily

Great pocket to fasten up with straps and buckles

instead of common buttons

new cap-case cover

Imperial to put on the boot

new blinds

Saddles, how to carry (Fleams to bleed horses?)

Canteen, new sabot and drag staff.

Shafts, how to be fixed on.

Grease box in round leather case.

1834 Friday 29 August

8 40/..

..

no kiss

fine Fahrenheit 60°at 9 3/4 a.m. breakfast at 10 1/4 –

off from 26 Dover Street London at 11 25/.. having been detained above 1/2 hour by mutual complaints of each other between Eugenie and George – he having the better side of the 2 – had recommended Mr Hawkins to make her son (aetatis 12) a watchmaker and send him to Perrelet (Paris) –

at St Albans at 2 3/.. and begin to rain soon afterwards –

at 4 33/.. leave the great road to Liverpool, Chester Holyhead, and turn (right) to northampton –

Rain almost all the way, more or less, to Newport Pagnel (at 6 19/..) where we dined on cold beef – the servants also dined – bought Eugenie a pair of thick large lambswool stockings to put on over her shoes during the night –

1834 Thursday 28 August

8 25/..

1 55/..

long goodish one last night

fine morning Fahrenheit 58°at 9 1/4 a.m.

Kind letter 3 pages and ends from Mariana (Harrogate) – still thinks of me too often and loves me too well – but time ceases all things – to get her if possible 10/. worth coronation braiding at Wilko’s, 186 Regent Street –

breakfast at 9 50/.. –

Ann and I out at 11 50/.. – at Colnaghi’s for little French print – ‘best print shop’ in London – Ann subscribed 1 guinea (1 of a 100 subscribers) for a finely illuminated block letter written copy of a poem of the middle ages just done by an officer – to be raffled for – Saw the 2 first numbers (folio) of Trésor de numismatique et de glyptique or Recueil general de medailles etc rue du Colombier, n⁰numero 30, Paris (4 place par numero at 5 shillings a numero) chez Rittner and Gosspil – the engravings of the medals very curiously done by a new process the inventor of our queen’s treasurer see John barton, a very clever man, who died the day before yesterday –

then to Baxter’s 113 Long Acre – the name still up tho’ Baxter dead some years ago, and the establishment belongs to Pearce who was with him. saw a good strong fourgon for travelling, made to order, at ₤140 – then to Hammersley’s – left my 2 remaining ₤25 circulars = ₤50 out of the ₤500 (in 20 circulars I took with me –

then with Lady Stuart (Whitehall) tête a tête from 1 50/.. to 3 1/4  

Ann sat in the carriage half hour then did some shoppings of hers in oxford street and returned –

Ann and I then went shopping – to Peacock’s Salisbury Square for Ann’s Estate plan case, and bought her Russian leather writing case – good place for this sort of thing – he is book binder to the King – a complete set of all the English almanacs (almanacs and binding) in 2 very thick volumes 11 guineas for Talleyrand to prince Louis Philip – then to Jones, 201 Strand, for more Promethean lights 500 in tin case for 10/6 for the wholesale trade – to Blades’, the great glass shop – magnificent – asked for silver watch at Dundell and Bridge’s to give George – had no such thing – nothing but a 2nd hand silver at 8 guinneas – not very civil – would not recommend any watchmaker – seemed to think the dignity affronted by my inquiry –

home at 7 1/2 –

Had Hutton the tailor, and Boxter’s man the coach maker between ₤3 and ₤4 of repairs done to the carriage and will cost ₤100 to refit it for travelling - the axle-trees too short therefore the pannels so rubbed and spoilt –

dinner at 8 –

then melbourne and ordered till 9 25/.. about the picture frames – left him 15 prints – frames plain maple-root – to be about ₤12.12.0, and be done in a fortnight – 4 bottles best cognac from morell for my aunt –

Off to Whitehall at 10 and home at 11 1/2 to Lady Stuart – Lord Stuart de Rothesay there and sir augustus and Lady Albina Foster and their boys, and SirAugustus’s brother Mr (Frederic Foster – all very civil – Sir Augustus hoped they should see me at Turin – Lady Stuart asked him to look at the Fourgon at Baxter’s for me – no shaking hands with her   all very civil be she and I seemed rather shy and she did not invite me but all very civil – Lord Stuart de Rothesay and his friend hired the vessel they had to Iceland and went to Norway chiefly to see the great water fall – went up the fiord – had xxxxx no communication with the natives except for pilotage –

in our shopping before dinner should have named Rivington’s St Pauls Church yard – Conder’s universal traveller 30 volumes at 6/. would let me have the work at ₤8  Lord Byron’s works Complete containing all the before suppressed parts .  . volumes at 5/. ₤4?  ordered the booksellers Bibliographist by .  . .  . about ₤4.

Fine day till 9 1/2 p.m. rain heavy showers Fahrenheit 62° at 1 1/2 to night.