i'm thinking about it

how do i get pity from

the one ii want it trom i

m not hapoy i dont undertsband hwy i worked so jard im twentytywo so many bland years just want yo be happy but iw wnt tobleed out i need to relapse i need someone outside to

care i want to bleed i want to bleed i need to bleed i need to cut i need a blade i need a kni

i need it

she died . my love died . she did not grow after nine months . her lungs outgrew her body . my love is gone .

a small writing for my cat

i watch her walk back and forth across the bathroom door as i take my time leaving the room . i watch her, and i think . does she speak in her own head as she looks back at me ? does she experience life like i do ? does she only speak to be heard by me ? or would she cry for someone else too ? does she watch me as i sleep, thinking of my future and past, wondering if i will wake up soon ? does she see me as i see her ? i watch as she silently dances across the tiles, tail sweeping against my legs. i take her back to my room. she will walk back on her own. does she also see this room as her whole home ? and the rest as just a meaningless extension ? she brings me her toys when shes happy. she wants to take care of me, and i want to take care of her. sleek fur, her orange stripes, she blends into the rest of the cats, another orange leaf in the fall. but she stands out. she doesnt like other people. she only likes other cats. she likes orange cats. maybe she sees herself in them. like how i see his face in hers. how she turns to look back and check if im still there, i see his face. the way she plays, i see his face. it all comes back to him. the one cat i can never let go of. i still dont know how to fill the hole he left.

but she's growing to fit that spot, day by day. and she will be why i heal from that loss.

wish i could have the pills again

aggression

something just isnt right .

i sense something will change and i do not like change. but i smell it in the air. like cold metal.

sickening in a way

something about it feels like self betrayal

im not supposed to feel anything for anyone i havent known my whole life

why do i feel like i cant look at their face ? why is it uncomfortable watching them leave ? i am created to feel discomfort and disdain towards outsiders .

they are still an outsider.

i know it.

and yet

horrified by the thought of it . but it might not be that bad . but it also definitely could be that bad

how to forgive.

i feel the weight of my sins on my shoulders.

reminded by passer-by's of the fact i am not forgiven for my existence. a stain on the world.

i go to sleep wondering if ill find that sense of peace, not weighed down by every mistake ive made. questioning who is supposed to be giving me that forgiveness i so desperately long for. falling asleep hopeless, and yearning for the end.

but i still wake up the next morning.

and i still wonder if it could all be in my head.

maybe i am not asking anyone for forgiveness.

at the end of my time i will find myself knelt at the feet of not god, but myself, begging for forgiveness, wincing at the words i may have for myself.

but as i lift my head i only see my own arms outstretched with love.

there is nothing to be forgiven for.

i lived.

that is what mattered.

i miss my cats.

i miss the ways they made me feel whole. three gone, four left. four wobbly table legs holding my entire existence slightly out of the water. god, ill believe in you if you let the rest of them stay with me.

and lord, i hope they find each other. a grassy clearing in a forest, a creek flowing nearby, and they are all happy and full, no illnesses, no disabilities, just one last time for them to cuddle in the sun again. i will find them there, i pray. i hope they will wait for me. its not my time yet, and i need a little longer to get back to stability. but i feel so alone. i have no way to understand what ive done to be struck with so much death at once. i mustve deserved it one time or another

a small writing for my cat

i watch her walk back and forth across the bathroom door as i take my time leaving the room . i watch her, and i think . does she speak in her own head as she looks back at me ? does she experience life like i do ? does she only speak to be heard by me ? or would she cry for someone else too ? does she watch me as i sleep, thinking of my future and past, wondering if i will wake up soon ? does she see me as i see her ? i watch as she silently dances across the tiles, tail sweeping against my legs. i take her back to my room. she will walk back on her own. does she also see this room as her whole home ? and the rest as just a meaningless extension ? she brings me her toys when shes happy. she wants to take care of me, and i want to take care of her. sleek fur, her orange stripes, she blends into the rest of the cats, another orange leaf in the fall. but she stands out. she doesnt like other people. she only likes other cats. she likes orange cats. maybe she sees herself in them. like how i see his face in hers. how she turns to look back and check if im still there, i see his face. the way she plays, i see his face. it all comes back to him. the one cat i can never let go of. i still dont know how to fill the hole he left.

but she's growing to fit that spot, day by day. and she will be why i heal from that loss.

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

actually might not im getting drunk . maybe i will numb it . and make up stories to keep me distracted .

i love triggering myself

feeding it !! tonight !! dont care !!!!!!!

i love triggering myself

feeding it !! tonight !! dont care !!!!!!!

i want to just tear my jaw off ! like rip it right off ! i want alcohol to be pulsing through my veins !!!!