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q4comeback · 3 years

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Twenty-six Orbits Around the Sun.

“God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things that I can,

And the Wisdom to know the difference”

I am turning twenty five tomorrow.

This is my twenty sixth orbit around the sun (n.b. Why does the biological clock start when you’re born, don’t you have an identity in the womb?)

I am still twenty four today; ten years, a troubled soul.

I will soon complete the longest saga in my life, getting my undergraduate degree. I will complete my studies in the middle of August. My graduation will fall in autumn.

Depression, anxiety, an inability to process difficult events and solve life’s problems, these issues ongoing, however.

How do I remain hopeful? Perhaps by conceding my issues are largely tied or exacerbated by my degree, there is so much at stake, there is so much artificial pressure.

Ideation came in a wave today, the worst kind, the permanent period (.) to the story.

What follows is an exercise, staying grounded is key.

What can I be proud of?

I’m resilient and have pushed through to get to this final year/ final semester.

I recognise my flaws and failings, able to integrate learning, having been in therapy for twenty months.

I am witty and somewhat clever, I have good tastes in art and culture.

I can love and am worthy of love.

What do I hate about myself?

I lie, cheat and misrepresent to elicit favour, I do not have integrity and cut corners

I am lazy and ill-prepared.

I take my loved ones for granted and seek love from the wrong people.

I have misused sex, drugs, alcohol, to deal with my pain

I am inconsistent and flaky while expecting commitment, in short, I’m guilty of hypocrisy

What can I change?

I can engage in mindfulness and deal with stress better;

I can rekindle my faith and use Church to find solace and understanding;

I can improve my time-management,

I can finally settle in London permanently,

I can improve my relationships with friends and family

What cannot I change?

I can’t change how long it took to complete my degree

I cannot change the awkward relationships with my family

I may have to deal with intrusive thoughts and low-mood permanently

I cannot change my height, my protruding forehead, or my ostensible inability to grow a beard

I cannot change nor am I responsible for the opinion of others,

The supply and demand of love

Genuine love by its paucity and transience, is hard to come by and cannot be ‘forced’. But once you have it, it should be treasured and nurtured with your life.

#I regret writing this immediately.#Fin

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q4comeback · 3 years

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Illness/Acuity

So.

Here’s an ode to mental illness and mental acuity.

Two ends of the totem pole that I vacillate between.

These are states of minds, useful categories in describing mental health.

In my case, I have been at University for five of the last six years and due to graduate within a few months. In this time, I have reckoned with underlying dispositions and trauma(s) that make up a diagnosed mental illness. I have been depressed, I am always anxious to such an extent that ‘Generalised Anxiety Disorder’ is an apt descriptor.

At a whim, after a day of long sought mental clarity, I turned to ‘The Road Less Travelled/ M. Scott Peck.’

In just its first pages, the wisdom and strength of its prose are apparent.

“Life is difficult.

It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it.”

“Life is a series of problems…

Discipline is the basic set of tools we require to solve life’s problems.

Without discipline we can solve nothing.”

“Fearing the pain involved, almost all of us , to a greater or lesser degree, attempt to avoid problems….

This tendency to avoid problems and the emotional suffering inherent in them is the primary basis of all human mental illness.”

My problems include a lack of social skills and social contact, exacerbated during the lockdown of the last fifteen months. My problem is my lack of aptitude and application in my degree. Between programming or completing problem sheets, I have found it difficult and I have not been willing to suffer through this difficulty.

And of procrastination, anxiety, deep panic and mental sublimation (figuratively speaking), these are maladaptive coping strategies and dysfunctional emotional systems. In everyday parlance, I have not developed a way to cope with stress and difficulty, leaning into a short-term fix with a long-term cost.

The solution? This in part is to accept legitimate suffering.

I can take lessons from the road. Running has taught me to embrace the grind, the assault of the pavement, the sweat is earned and worn with pride, improvement is slow but certain.

I struggled to run 3.5km three months ago, and can run four times that distance now if needed.

Progress.

The solution is to accept the suffering of crawling before I can walk, forgetting the marathons of others, accepting where I am, accepting the embarrassment and shame for a second, letting it wash over me, before commencing with the tasks at hand.

The solution is self-acceptance: temporally, I am enough today and I am grounded in where I am; spatially, living alone in Bath and away from loved ones in London, I live alone but am not alone; spiritually, M. Scott Peck makes no distinction between spiritual and mental growth, nor should I. My spiritual growth is slow but coming, like the runs in February that set me up for the sprints in May. Be patient, be weary, be kind.

(mental) Acuity over (mental) Illness.

Fin.

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q4comeback · 3 years

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Best-Eleven-Rap-Albums-of-all-time

In no particular order,

The Low End Theory - A Tribe Called Quest, 1991

The Chronic - Dr Dre, 1992

Enter the Wu-Tang Chambers - Wu Tang Clan, 1993

Ready to Die - The Notorious B.I.G, 1994

Illmatic - Nas, 1994

Liquid Swords - GZA, 1995

Stankonia - Outkast, 2000

Madvillainy - MF Doom + Madlib, 2004

Run the Jewels - Run the Jewels, 2013

Pinata - Freddie Gibbs + Madlib, 2014

To Pimp a Butterfly - Kendrick Lamar, 2015

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Inspired by the following,

https://faroutmagazine.co.uk/kendrick-lamar-25-favourite-albums-playlist/

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