I can be your boyfriend. I can also be your girlfriend. The options are limitless. Except it has to be gay

>just went to walmart for tendies >walking home >pass by a store mirror and see the reflection of myself "well, well, well, if it isn't the worlds leading expert on they/them pussy" i say to myself and move on with my day i'm such a chad, i love being myself

What about sitting on his lap, grinding back into him and slowly feeling him swell underneath you. His arms wrapped around you trying to pull you down harder, whimpering into your ear about how much he needs you.

Imagine being used as a cock warmer, sitting in his lap and every once in a while he'll fuck into you bringing you close to finishing, stopping when your right on the edge. His hand running though your hair telling you to wait for it.

i want the small but significant things. the goodbye and hello kisses, knowing how they like their tea/ coffee, taking care of them when they’re sick, „i got that thing you mentioned“, falling asleep in each other’s arms and them being the first thing you see when you wake up, lazily making out, being a shoulder to cry on, cooking together and for each other, making memories together … sharing our lives until we can’t tell where one ends and the other begins

why is hideki naganuma insane. who is teaching a middle aged japanese man to say shit like this

a guy sat next to me on the bus

little does he know that he sat next to a....... ... .

STONER

at work today i helped a guy who stopped mid order and said “ah i have to take my hat off im speaking to a pretty lady” and then when he finished i was like cool can i get anything else for you and he was like “no but thank you son :-)” which was probably the funniest no homo i have ever bore witness to

I love that phenomenon where ur talking to another neurodivergent person for the first time and u haven’t quite grocked their flavor of brain yet and they haven’t grocked yours and you’re both using your Acceptable Friendly Person Getting To Know You Script on each other but of course those scripts have been calibrated mainly for use with, like, normal people, so you just end up being like two conversational roombas bonking gently off one another like “hello fellow human” “hello fellow ‘hello fellow human’” until you both at some point manage to adjust your programming and actually like, communicate

It’s like when I was a kid I had two furbies and when you put them next to each other they’d just natter nonsensically past one another for a bit and then at some point one would abruptly recognize the other with its furby sensor or w/e and it would shout “DANCE!” and the other one would flap its ears and reply “HEY, DANCE” and then, in perfect unison, they would begin to rock back and forth while chanting “doot doot doo doot doot doo”

It’s exactly like that. I love it. Crazy people are the best, we are super excellent, i love us, i love crazy ppl

for our grade 12 formal a guy asked me to be his partner and i was like ‘ok’ but he told me to not wear heels because he was like 5’4 and it would make him feel bad and i considered it but then i remembered a few years before he was in my maths class and i was struggling with a maths problem because i had been sick earlier that week and he told me if i paid attention or even showed up to class that i would understand it anyway i wore 5 inch sparkly heels and the only thing he said to me was ‘this is because of grade 9 right?’ and i said that it was and i am glad he knew exactly where he went wrong

my bf sent me this and i started crying 🥺

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(C.B)(8.11.19)

Sorry to ruin it for you but as a bri’ish person, no one says are you quite finished. Most people would just say ‘are you finished’ the ‘quite’ makes you sound like a tosser

but the "quite" makes it so much funnier :(

having trauma feels so cringe sometimes like ohhhh look at me look at me my mom was mean when I was little and it's going to continue to affect me and all my relationships for the rest of my life. I'm gonna be sick

my cat Meatball’s hanukkah sweater started kinda coming off, so my girlfriend went to fix it, and as she did so she said to him, in her most tender and maternal voice, “aww, is your shirt coming off? whore”

Twitter just gives people the confidence to post shit like this huh

Twitter just gives people the confidence to post shit like this huh