wish I was a teddy bear wearing a raincoat or some shit what the fuck

the cullen family: edward PLEASE sit down and drink your deer blood, we know you hate yourself, we know you wish you were dead, we know bella shouldn’t love a heartless monster like you, we know you’ve been sentenced with damnation, we’ve heard you say this everyday for the past 109 years.

edward:

i forgot how to properly talk to my parents so now that this lockdowns going on im on the ropes. i was waiting for my coffee to be done this morning and dad asked me what was up and i said the first thing that popped in my head, which was that ive been thinking ive never seen a funeral held at night, so i wanna have a night time funeral when i die cause that would be dope i think. he was like what the hell is wrong with you why would you just say that out of nowhere. can we please go outside soon

girls will call you just to be quiet on the phone

gwen stefani was right when she said this shit is bananas

i am your microbiome and i will protect you.

this has got to be THE funniest sentence ive seen all day im gonna cry

kim jong un sends this to North Korean citizens every morning

what’s your least favorite sign and why?

what do u mean i don’t have a social life I just went grocery shopping with my mom

what’s it like to be taller than 5’2”??? is it nice? can you comfortabley reach cupboards?

Aww I saw this on Facebook and thought it was way too good not to repost

I actually would like to wear flowers and leaves in my hair every single day if that’s okay

what’s he thinking about? i wish i knew