Tuesday was the first time I felt like I needed to self harm in so long

If this one fails I'm done I don't care anymore. It's not worth the effort for nothing in the end

I'd like to think that, if only for a moment. Someone would mourn.

This is all life is, you just lose and lose and lose. You were everything to me and now you're just a stranger I gave you everything and you took even more. I don't wanna be here anymore

I've been trying to find a way to come to you for days without coming off wrong. I don't want to hurt you and I don't want to put more on you I know I'm no ot your problem. But I don't know what to do now. I've been so overwhelmed with not only guilt but worry then when I found out about Jack's fear it crushed me having to face that all over again to really sit here and face the fact that I've gone no where I thought I went so far but I'm just the same thing I was. Then finding out that the decisions already been made that our friendship god anything between us was already over and someone decided that for us and I just get to sit here and wait until it's over all over again. I broke down Thursday had to truly come face to face with everything inside of me including him and he was pleasant but god he said so much I don't know where to start said that I was too naive around you and pointed out all the things I should have seen like the fact that the person that caused you to think God was in your head was the same person having these mystical visions of his best friend being a snake but is still going out to do shit with them but you need his blessing for me to be in your life the same person who said that the voices were in his head too but lied the same person that when evertime you'd leave he'd do something say anything and claim to get better but really didn't the same person who pushed you to the point where you checked gun prices and I've just sat here and not faced the fact that the signs are there and the only point of view I have is yours someone who he knows how to get to, like why is he afraid of me is he really or is it just something to use to remove me from you. I can't ignore these things and I know you won't listen to me you've always chosen him and I'm not mad about it I just want you to be safe and I don't know if you will be. I know I'm not important anymore everything we were is over and after this I don't know if you'll ever talk to me again I don't hate him I'm just neutral now. I'm sorry but after today I'm at my end we really did all of that just to separate us any connection we had is broken our short att journey is over you have no reason to do anything with me in mind god we did that just to split us I've felt so off for months I haven't felt welcome since we broke up I feel like such a burden on your life and the signs have been there for so long you wanted us to end the final goodbye the songs about having to leave someone behind in life now with Jack and your mom doing things to remove me I don't want to believe you wouldn't tell me I don't want to believe this has all just been a scheme but you guys were right about the obsessed people I know I'm obsessive and over attached but I never meant for it to hurt you or scare you if you told me to leave I would've I'm so sorry I can live without you please don't worry about me whatever happens to me in my life was inevitable eventually and you shouldn't have to be afraid to leave I know what I said the other night was wrong to say I ways go to far. I'm sorry I never wanted it to be like this I truly do love you and I don't want to lose you but I know I've just killed everything off I've ruined it I don't know if that's what you wanted I don't know I know I over think I know I'm easily paranoid but everything just makes sense I wish I had seen it sooner I feel so betrayed but I don't want to believe it because I never thought it'd be you you were the Eddie to my Benoit I trusted you with everything I hate this I hate all of it

I don't quite understand. I don't understand what propose I'm supposed to find in this miserable world. I've been through a lot more than some, not as much as others. Plagued with the thought that someone else has it worse so I'm not valid. I always make room for others and bury my pain because you should have a space, why do I deserve one. Over the past year I've got so much better I can vocalize my struggles and my pain. I'm finally able to place so much trauma and understand it. I'm taking care of myself eating everyday three times a day I'm finally doing what's looked at as the bare minimum and no one understands what a step that was for once I'm happy I'm comfortable in my skin in my mind but I'm still miserable. I'm doing new things every day taking step after step to change something, anything. I'm just getting worse. I can't say I don't know why. I'm alone in this world in life. My closest friends are stuffed. Everyone else is just there. I don't trust them I'm afraid to be around them to be me but I'm too afraid to meet new people. I get the occasion of a good friendship any relationship I build that is healthy dies immediately. It takes a lot of time and work for me to trust and that's when I feel safe to be me and I start showing everything. Then they see that I've been suffering with this trauma since I was 8 and more and more comes out and I become the bad guy again. Because I lied. Because I hid. Because I was afraid. Because I am afraid. I wish I could be better but this is what I need. I need trust and no one will let me get to that place where I can trust. No matter what I do or try to do. I tried. I'm sorry that I need a foundation to blossom. I work 12 hour days at a job that doesn't give a fuck where I spend my days looking forward to the weekend where I can't do anything because I keep getting sick with such random shit that debilitates me. My body's given up on me before is it trying again? Last time I was motivated by anger and hate. And I fought out of that fucking hole. I'm free of that hell but what motivates me now? There are a few things that come to mind but if I think too long I'll collapse from grief. I've fought the pain this long and I've beaten so much of it. But as I fall deeper more and more piles on top. I promised it wouldn't break me and I'm trying. I finally trusted someone and they left, someone I told everything, someone I trusted with my ultimate pain. Someone who in their final moments in my life wouldn't even let me finish my sentence explaining the deepest fucking pain I've ever felt. I was a dad. For a moment. Now I'm left with the thoughts of what would've been. And I've tried and I've said this is motivation to carry on for the little heart I've lost. Live for them. But it just keeps getting harder. I've never felt this alone and vulnerable. Everything keeps happening and no one even acknowledges me. When I reached for help you all slapped my hand away. I'm not giving up yet but I don't wanna be here anymore. I can't take much more.

I tried to sleep but when I dozed off I dreamed of cutting pizza it would cut one line at a time sending everyone flying the pizza was higher than a city and every cut I would wake up and have to readjust to be ready for the next cut but I can't move much I have an ear infection and it hurts to lay down but this happens 4 times before I wonder why the pizza that's already cut into triangle need cut into square I immediately start having a mental breakdown of so sorry trying to understand why everything is based around squares and why can I move down when my eyes are shut but nothing changes when I open them I feel so trapped in my brain I'm still crying I had to move everything from my writing position to my rocking pattern to which way Bunny was faceing just so I could actually let out the years but it still didn't unlock everything I just want to cry and get it out I don't know what's happening good I need help but I don't know what to do I need help please god someone help me

I don't know what's happening

From the right angle you can see the k scar on my forearm

I'm trying and I'm succeeding at putting my life together. But I still can't get away from suicide. I just don't want to be here anymore.

I wish I could tell you how hurt I am I wish I could just talk to you again but any contact just ruins my day now knowing where and what you're going to

I just want to talk to you again

I'm not upset we didn't work out. I'm upset over the end I never felt listened too you were always there and I told you so much then when I brought it up again it was new. You go to sleep mid sentence and Id talk for an hour before I realized. It's so hard to open up and I would try just for you to go to sleep or get mad. Your anger terrified me I hid so much because I afraid to see you mad again but everytime I brought it up you snapped at me because I was wrong. I'm upset because everything ended because of what I did but you were in the wrong too on many occasions. I wasn't comfortable with you fingering me but didn't say anything because I didn't want you to feel bad. I never wanted you to feel bad. When I told you you made a fault or hurt me you just blew me off or got mad and defensive so I backed down. In the end all we did was end up where we started. Ill never be able to tell you any of this. And I don't know why I'm bothering to type all this. I'm miserable and all I can think of is suicide again I don't see a future and if I told you any of this you'd just make it about you and gaslight me. I can't take this anymore if this is what love is I won't live in this world anymore. I'm tired of being in pain.

I never expected to get over her like I have. Nor did I expect to cry to her over you

No matter how much I poured onto the page you always turned it expecting more

Bunny declares bunuwu that is all