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We're so back
Silver's hornyposting acc 2.0
•Minors Dni•
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Sigh
I don't want to bring it up because I know you're stressed and overthinking as well. But sometime soon, I want to have a talk about boundaries, ask you what makes you uncomfortable etc etc.
I'll delete this blog if it makes you uncomfortable, I don't want you to be uncomfy. But I also don't feel comfortable seeing you post directly NSFW stuff about you. I try to refrain from posting that stuff anymore because I have you, and it feels wrong. So I only post it about fictional characters (and even then, it's only jokes).
I don't even know if you know about this blog. I wasn't hiding it from you. But you might not know.
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Fem Whitney or whatever,,
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Fem Briar
This doesn't go on main bc I don't feel like defending myself to my cotl moots,,
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Vent
Maybe tomorrow I'll cry. Idk. Maybe I'm not the only one in your heart. Maybe I'm a side piece. That's what I feel like. You're ashamed of me. You don't even like me. I know you don't. You're only responding because you feel bored or obligated. I felt angry. But now I don't feel anything.
It doesn't matter that you lied. I don't really care if you lied. It sucks but it is what it is. I feel like a fool. Like you're going to keep lying to me. And I'm gonna keep faking smiles.
You're going to leave, and I won't beg you to stay because I respect you too much to try to force you to stay. I wouldn't want you to feel trapped or stuck with me. I just want you to be happy. And I'm not doing that. I'm making you feel miserable. I'm making everything worse.
Ugh.
Of course I'd just be a side piece at most. Someone like me doesn't deserve to be loved.
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Vent
That person made their account private. I'm totally not overthinking about why they did that. I'm totally not thinking about what they're saying. Did you tell them that I was uncomfortable? And now are they sulking about it? Or are they making fun of me?
You don't like me. Not really. Not anymore.
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Vent post
Why won't you be mine? I'm sorry. I've apologized. You won't interact with me on social media. You don't follow me anywhere, I know you said you're not ashamed of me but I feel like I'm a dirty secret to you. A stain.
Of course you wouldn't be mine. You're probably not gonna respond, huh? I'm not gonna get upset this time. I'll just wait silently, waiting for an answer that'll never arrive. Waiting like a dog. I'm just a dog to you. And I'm at fault for everything that's wrong.
Even though you keep blaming yourself, I remember. You told me it was my fault. And although you're back, I'm still scared. I'm scared that you're gonna leave. you keep reassuring me and I feel bad that it hasn't been working. I just need time to feel better about this, but I feel like I'm not going fast enough.
But part of me is bitter.
You blamed me and then left. I know I'm at fault, you made it clear that I was, that everything was my fault and my doing, that I was responsible for it all. And now you're back and you wanna date immediately and I just can't. I need time to feel comfortable.
And I want to feel comfortable again. I wouldn't be trying so hard if I didn't want you too.
I feel like I'm doing more harm. And I feel like I'm standing in the way of you being happy. I constantly feel miserable. And I feel like I'm rotting the portion of your life I'm taking up. Like I'm sinking you into my misery.
Idk. I thought venting would make me feel better. It didn't.
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I wish you'd call me a good boy sometimes.
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Vent again I'm so sorry.
"I don't know that person" do you know how much worse that sounds? So you'll talk to a stranger in a way you'd never speak to me? I mean I guess it tracks. I hate allo people, every single one of them acts like I'm stupid. Like I don't get it, like I'd be too dumb to get it.
You never even said that you'd talk to me like that. And I know why, it's because you don't like me in that way. But you like strangers in that way. You said you just "found it funny" and that's why you responded.
You lied about so much. You said you'd follow me on Tumblr but you're not here. You said you never interacted with that person outside of that post but you retweeted a post of theirs. You say you're sorry but you don't say why you're sorry. It's just a blanket "sorry". I can't do that. If I pulled that with you, you'd be gone.
I'm still scared you're going to leave. I can't trust you.
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Vent
I THOUGHT YOU WANTED ME. I THOUGHT YOU WANTED ME. I BELIEVED YOU I BELIEVED YOU AND IM SO STUPID. IM SO DUMB. I SHOULDNT HAVE REPLIED. I SHOULD'VE PRETENDED LIKE I DIDNT SEE IT.
You didn't want me you didn't want me. I made sure to nip everything else in the bud for you, I made sure my attention was on you, I ignored anything and everything because I stupidly believed you.
And you won't reply. Because I was stupid for believing you. I just wanted to take it slow.
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Sorry vent, venting about my ex. I'm not complaining about them.
My ex texted me and I feel bad because I didn't see the messages until today. Apparently they texted me on Instagram too. I didn't know because I deleted insta. I just. My head is full. I don't know what to think, what to say. I kind of want to tell them to leave me alone. But I don't know if I actually want them to leave.
I feel so bitter.
Emotions are so difficult. I don't want to talk about my feelings with them. They're so busy. Too busy for me. I think I'll make it worse if I do. Winter me is sad and miserable but at least he isn't flighty. At least he doesn't think running away isnt just a viable choice, but the best one.
I don't think they'll love me anymore. The thought of this heart staying cold and dead is a painful one. But if I think about it, it's kinda only one ending. It already ended, this is just like an epilogue.
If I tell myself that, when they go "I don't want you to text me" again, it won't hurt as bad.
That's kinda the pathetic thing, huh? I do what I'm told. And if I'm told to stop texting you, I will. I don't feel like I even have the right to say a response to them, to respond thoughtfully or with emotion. I haven't even looked at the message again. I'm scared. I'm scared of having hope. I'm scared of them leaving again. I'm scared of getting attached again. I'm scared. So scared.
I can't even draw today. I keep trying. It's just not working.
I don't know what to do.
I'd ask people for advice, but I. I don't know.
It's fine. I just have to keep in mind they loved winter me. And I'm not him. And he won't be back for a very long while. So they won't love me, not really, so I won't get my hopes up.
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Oh I didn't mention this on here. Tldr: talking about the hate anons I got that made me leave the BTD/tpof community.
One of my ex friends was behind a lot of the hate I got. I'll never know what motivated him to send all of that. I'll never know why he did it. It makes sense why he'd shut me down and talk over me.
It makes sense that he'd tell me I just "needed help". He literally told me I was being overdramatic and overreacting. I was being told to kill myself multiple times a day and that's what he said, and the biggest mindfuck is that HE was doing it.
I wish he had admitted it at least. He just kept deflecting, he even stopped the convo to accuse me of sending him some shitty hate ask even though I don't do that shit. If I'm upset at you, I'll either grow a pair and tell you or shut up. There's no point in sending hate anons to anyone.
After I left, he made a post crying about how I left. And I know that's how a lot of people show sympathy, except he was answering comments and asks wishing me well while ignoring me in dms. He ignored me for over 12 hours while he could soak up attention from me deleting my account.
I keep swinging between misery and anger because how could he do this to me?
A lot of the asks I were sent had focus on private fears I had told him about. I feel stupid for not connecting the dots sooner.
I'm sorry that this ramble is all over the place. I just. Don't know how to feel about it. And then some idiot in my asks on my main went "oh does he trace?" Like. Dude. That's so not on my plate what the hell. Who cares about that petty gossip shit. I just. Ughh.
I'm so upset. I want an apology I know I'll never get, and it'll never feel genuine if I did get it. Because how do you sincerely apologize for anonymously sending 5+ hate anons telling your friend to kill himself while ignoring him in dms? There's nothing he could say that'd make me forgive him.
...
I felt like I was going insane, and now I've woken up from a long dream. It's pathetic, but I miss my old account. I miss being Silverant. I miss being able to engage with the tpof/BTD community. I miss it. I feel so stupid for destroying everything just because of some loser.
I just don't know what to do.
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Blegh redraw goes on the side account.
(no I'm not joining the fandom again, no I'm probably not going to consistently make fanart, no no no. I just felt like redrawing an older drawing.)
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OMG I made this acc, spiraled, and then immediately forgot about it when I was better!
Cw whump and hornyposting
Anyways hypersexuality my despised (been kinda on a voice kick lately. Idk I just like hearing people call me a good boy. There's something so hot about it.)
Kinda disappointed that the person I thought was an old anon wasn't, solely because that means I can't um... I can't even ask if it'd call me a good boy. Because like, that'd make it weird! Just "hey I know we're talking about you slicing me up like deli meat, but would you call me a good boy during it" like EW.
I am so normal. I also don't know how much of the whump is like a kink thing. Like I know a good portion isn't, because I'm genuinely just curious how much I could take. :0
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Wah. I'm better. I mean I'm hypersexual again and it's 3am but like. I'm better!
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Ugh mentioned a panic attack and vaguely mentioned a kink
I was having a panic attack and I got like. Shocked out of it? Found out about ummm a kink that kinda terrifies me. LIKE I KNEW IT WAS A KINK BUT I THOUGHT LIKE... people enjoyed it being purely fictional.
It's like. A legal kink. I just wanna clarify that it's not something like vile or disgusting but like. Just. Ah. Terrible (in a non kink shaming way)
I DON'T HAVE THIS KINK. I WANTED TO CLARIFY.
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Ugh I just want to be better soon. Cw vent
Maybe. Maybe third time's the charm. Maybe I'll delete main again.
I don't know what I'd use for a new username. I don't even really want to be called Silver anymore. I have a real name. And I'm barely called it even when I do tell people it's my preferred one.
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Ugh vent. Cw: uhmm bad spiral. Talking about wanting to die.
Are they intrusive thoughts if I'm contemplating acting on them. (Deleting my account again). Idk I just. I feel like a burden. I don't want to talk about it with anyone. I just want someone to go "silver, you're not a burden" or "silver, i like talking to you" or just something.
I feel so empty always. I feel so lonely always. Also I'm crying now which is just awesome. /s
I don't know. I just. I need help but I don't have money. I'm so glad that the only advice anyone gives is "mental hospital". Do you know what I'd give to be locked up right now? I hate my brain I hate existing I just want to die. I want to bash my skull in, I want to avoid taking allergy pills so my throat closes up, I want to die. But I can't. Because I'm a coward. Do you know how pathetic such an existence is? It's like being an oroborous I can't bite down I can't let go it's constant misery misery misery until it isn't.
I'm not even a physical danger to myself. That's how pathetic I am.
I can't draw or write btw. I'm too miserable. I can't create. How the hell am I supposed to do anything? I just. Want one person to say that I'm not annoying, that they like me, that they don't mind that I'm a mess. I wouldn't even care if it's a lie at this point. That's how pathetic I am. I just want to lay in bed and cry and rot.
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