You annoy THE FUCK out of me.

Side Note:

Now when I notice someone is attracted to me, I just have this new feeling of power. It's like I'm taking it back somehow, I don't quite understand it. I enjoy it but deep down it makes me wonder if this new Feeling would lead me to something much more deep, I don't want to lose control again in a while.

Sometimes it takes courage to open up to kindness

Every single one of my bones fucking hates you.

I hate how you messed up with my self perception, with my confidence, with my mind and my body, still to this day.

It's been months now but the damage you made is a thing I'll be getting over my whole life. To the point that my brain just decided to forget your disgusting face, it forgot the moment that you decided to take control over a heaviky drunk and asleep me, and yet when profile pops up randomly as suggestion in my social media, I have a fucking panic attack because even tho my brain forgot the moment, my body did not.

I fucking hate that I have to mourn the old me. Since that moment you just decided to mess with me I've been trying to put the pieces trying to keep it together, but it's midnights like this that just makes me think ¿will I ever get through this? ¿Will I ever be stable and confident again? ¿Colud I put my guard down someday even on social media? ¿Could I put my accounts public again, non afraid of you stalking me? I am so fucking tired of fighting, I know for sure I did the right thing by opening a case against you, but it's all so heavy sometimes that I have to remember why I made that decision.

I just want my soul test for a little while, I'm tired of mouning me, being anxious and feeling so numb.

The kinda confusing hell of a night that was yesterday.

So, lately i've been feeling like something was off, like if i was in autopilot this whole time. I go to work, do my stuff but i can't find motivation in anything i do and i realized that it's not because i'm thinkinkg about the future or something, it's because i was too focused on the version of myself that doesn't exists anymore and i realized about that just yesterday. That old me that used to shine, to be full of energy... it's simply gone. I know there's some new things about myself that i like, but i still miss the old me, the one that didn´t know what trauma really is. So i started thinking about how that part of myself faded and the exact moment this version of me disappeared, while i bawled my eyes out on the floor of my living room all alone, missing me. Missing everything i had to let go and maybe will never come back. In that moment all i really wanted was that the part of me that give zero fucks about anything, that don't care about self awareness to take the control. I just wanted to stop feeling like that, to let it go of the pain that i've been carrying, i wanted to let go of my feelings, and so i did.

I have this friend, that i really trust and get along with, A. He came to the city for some days and he asked me if he could spend yesterday's night with me a few days ago, of course i agreed cause i haven't seen him in quite some time. When he arrived i was kind of numb after all of the crying i did and all i could think about when i saw him was "i really want to get drunk and catch up with him, i need that right now", so we say hi and talk for a bit, next thing he told me is that he was stoned and wanted to grab some beers and smoke a little more. He shows me a joint someone gave him, and asked me if i wanted to try it with him, as i had never done it before. I hesitated for a bit, but with all of the stuff i felt earlier i just let myself go and said yes.

Later on, the weed make me feel like the world quieted down for a while, i was feeling so calm, my body was so light that i never been that relaxed in my life. We were laying down, listening to some music and it felt like i was discovering new sounds and sensations, we were just singing and enjoying the moment. Then he told me that i should focus on the sensation of touch, as it was also different, he was right. My pijamas, the blanket we were using, even touching my face felt different and i liked it....

When the effect started to fade we went next to the window and smoked some more, i don't know if it was the moment, the effect, or that nothing cared to me then, but i noticed i wanted to kiss A. He was so attractive smoking, so careless, so relaxed, so close to me... I could not think about nothing but his closeness as he held my waist while passed me the joint. We talked and laughed a little, and when it was hitting again, we came back and laid down to feel the music better. I don't remember the specific song but, there was one where he started to touch my lips softly to the rytm of the music, then, he came closer and kissed me, it was like all of the sensations were amplified even more, so i kissed him harder, and we started to turn on as it went on... All i can say is that it was the best sex i've ever had, being high, the way he touched me, the way not feeling numb anymore made me have the best orgasms. If he wasn't in another city, for sure he would become my fuckfriend, i still feel like tonight was a dream, was surreal.

For sure it was one of the best, most relaxing nights ever, after letting go of all the thinking (at least for a moment). One of the things that i had no regrets and if i could, i would do it again for sure.

It´s me, Hi.

As you may notice, i'm a swiftie. But don't let that mislead you, this is not a blog about my dear Taylor, it's meant to be some sort of a digital journal. I mention this cause lately i've been struggling with some stuff and realized that midnights is the vibe that represents me the most right now.

That said, my goal with this thing is allow myself to let out that part of myself that i often disguise as something else, like it doesn't exist. The darkest, most secret thougts i've had or been having will be written here. All the feelings, all the things i talk nobody to, because are too personal, will. be. here.

So, if anytime you relate to any of my entries, welcome.

About me? I'm a 24 woman, finishing college that have been through A LOT in the past year.