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I think I just landed my first workshop sale???
I won't celebrate till contract is executed and $ in bank but holy shit 1 month after being fired and I may have just landed my first workshop!!!!
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I'm exhausted.
I need to get traction on my business. I need a sale. I need a client. I need to be creating with a company.
I met with a career/life coach yesterday and it was actually really helpful.
Now to see if I can afford monthly coaching.
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Lesbian welders, San Francisco: 20th century
From The Library of Congress Archives
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Fucking christ. The bills keep coming. All the money Ive been saving to live off of while I restart my business is going to unplanned expenses and it's not cute.
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Oldie
I don鈥檛 know what you call this feeling.
A greyish defeat that grows with every breath.
The type of nuisance that allows wounds to fester.
An ally in the war against living.聽
Something that holds your tongue, burning each taste bud with vile hatred.
The type of self loathing that has been cultivated with astute detail.
A harried presence that becomes aroused with lust each time you hurt.
If you could imagine your feet being burnt over and over again by the acidic deeds of your ancestors, punishment for surviving this long, you might be able to make meaning of the pain that you鈥檝e endured.
But it鈥檚 not really pain. It鈥檚 just the shadow of pleasure.
When you come out on the other side of pain, you find your mind rewriting the rules of what you experienced.聽
Yes it hurt.
Yes you suffered.
But it was also so comfortingly familiar that you crave it, like a high that you鈥檙e constantly chasing. You know how this story ends. You, alone huddled underneath the desk, holding your body close as the sobs rob you of life. This is the known. This is the way it鈥檚 always been.
You know this old friend like your own reflection. More maternal than your own mother, it holds you close with a tender embrace.
This is what life is supposed to be, my dear.
Not pain. Not pleasure.聽
But misery.聽
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Ugh, broke my win streak of posting everyday.
Yesterday I worked for several hours at my part time job and then came home, exhausted. All these health issues are catching up with me.
But I started a new online course that I'm really enjoying. Behaviorial Design for health. I think its going to help me a lot.
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I find that whenever I'm anxious/uncomfortable about my future, I start obsessing over other people. I will think about all the things they have the potential to do. I think about how I can support them, how I can help them succeed.
And yet I can't focus on my own success for more than 4 seconds. It makes me nervous and depressed. Because I'll start thinking about all the things I need to do and get overwhelmed and start comparing myself to others and it's a mess.
But if I spend all my mental energy thinking about others, how will I ever get what I want done?
A very strange distraction, a very easy way for me to feel "productive" without doing anything for myself.
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Reagan-era "stranger danger" panic has done so much harm to americans' sense of community. It cemented the idea that only the nuclear family could be trusted with the care of the child, deterred people from cooperative living with an extended community, and continues to place abuse victims in danger by perpetuating the misconception that most child abuse is done by strangers rather than someone they know. It is in our best interest to become more interdependent than we were raised to be.
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I am lagging.
Can't get shit done.
Starting to feel laziness creep in.
I'm becoming complacent in my own downfall.
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It's been a long day and I still have so much to do.
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Jurassic World did the Avatar thing where it made a gajillion dollars and left no cultural footprint whatsoever. Name your favorite Jurassic World character. What was your favorite line. It evaporated despite everyone seeing it.
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Had a great sales call today with a lead. Spent all day putting together a brochure for them for a workshop.
Started to freak out when I gave her my price list.
Is it too much?
Too little?
Should I offer a discount?
So many things to figure out still.
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we have enough tenderqueer coffeshop domestic media. we need to divert resources to making the gay version of beavis and butthead
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