April 22, 2024

I don't have a ton of time to journal today. I woke up late and made Braeden his morning water, but for his throat since he's been sick for a week. I also made bagels last night and wanted to make sure they were fully cooked so threw them back in the oven. Plus who doesn't like hot bagels in the morning?

I had a great weekend. Friday, Jill came over and did my nails. I then brought Lily out for her birthday. We painted pottery, she chose a mushroom lantern and I chose a mug. I asked my dad to pick them up today so I can bring hers to her for her birthday party next weekend.

Saturday I slept in and made my way to B's. He had all his friends over that will be in Italy and it was nice to get everyone together and get a sneak peek at how everyone will be together.

Yesterday B and I got some work done in the morning, and then we went to Home Depot and bought what we needed for the garden. We then got the vegetable garden ready and laid down the borders for my flower garden. We need to buy one more boarder and then we can pull up the grass. My plan is to plant my flowers when he's in Cabo at the end of May. We still have time.

I am already tired and this week hasn't even started.

April 14, 2024

Things have been busy.

Work gave me a raise and title change, but not to the extent of what I was hoping. I am trying to appreciate what they did give me, but I also know I am worth more. I will have to reevaluate next year when we go over our goals.

I started feeling like Braeden and I need more quality time again. I told him he needed to plan a date and he did. Next weekend we are gardening, going to dinner and going bowling. I am happy and excited. Last week and this week are weird weeks. I am going to be in Toronto a lot, and its hard being away from him. I just want to be together all the time. ersation wit

Not sure if I wrote this already, but he had a conversation with his brother about thinking about what he wants to do when were ready to move in together.

Side note: sometimes I feel too needy. I ask for the attention I want instead of being salty, but sometimes I feel like its too much. It never used to be, and I don't feel like I am asking for more. Idk. I need to dig into that.

I want to try and vend an expo on my own. It may backfire, but can it get worse than no sales? I mean I made one today, but I pushed.

April 1, 2024

I know, I missed my journals for last week, so here is me getting back on track.

There has been a lot going on.

I asked for a title change and raise at work. Eater was this weekend, which meant a lot of time with Family. We also had to help B's sister move out of her place unexpectedly on Saturday.

If I said I wasn't tired I would be lying, but I looked forward to everything that happened this weekend, I just didn't get time to relax. Hopefully, sometime this morning will help.

Work is trying to figure out what to make my title and change my job description to fit what I want to do, as well as, leave room for growth for the future.

I've been thinking about the future and how long I would want to stay in the corporate world. I feel like I am not done growing. I feel like I want to evaluate all that in a year. B and I should have a better idea on our timeline then, it will be a time for the company I work out to hang out raises. A year is a long time. I've already been there for 2 though. Will I want to look for a new corporate job, will I be ready to make the leap to help Braeden with the business? I guess time will tell. I just want to buy property while I have this job, and get myself in order. I like the idea of benefits. I also need to see where B is with his licensing and what his plan is for that.

I do love the idea of working with my partner and owning a business together, I just worked so hard to get where I am and I want to make it count.

March 17, 2024

Need to do a quick Sunday night journal.

I feel okay. This weekend went by quickly, but it was good.

I got golf clubs. Spend the weekend with Braeden.

I really want to start planting the garden stuff. I need to calculate dates to sow compared to the days before frost the packages say and then create a schedule.

I got some reading in today at hockey. I didn't do much reading last week. I am not super into the book I have. I need to make sure the next one is something I enjoy.

March 14, 2024

Mid-week check-in.

I don't like that it's dark again when I get ready for work. It makes me want to sleep in. I am also tired. I got to sleep in yesterday, and then I went to bed late last night.

My emotions were running high yesterday. I am struggling with the quality time thing again. I have been cooking, cleaning, and trying to make Braeden;s life easier because he's been really busy with work, and I just want him to take some of that time I saved him and love me. I know I am needy. I know I need a lot of validation. I just crave that quality time mixed with physical touch, which just so happens to be on my terms most of the time.

I am going to go lay in bed with him and give him a squeeze and then go to work. I don't feel like I will see him tomorrow, but I will Saturday.

March 10, 2024

I went to hockey tonight, and I should have stayed home. I feel so overwhelmed and tired. I have none of my bags packed for tomorrow. My thoughts are just everywhere. I needed to wash my hair. I never finished my gift for Kirsten. It's not a good way to start off the week. I didn't read, I didn't do my Duolingo tonight. I sat at a table waiting for food for two hours and wanted to go home the whole time.

Braeden and I had a good weekend overall but I didn't feel like we got quality time. We spent Saturday shopping and it was good, I made him dinner so he could study and saying it out loud, now, I feel like I gave too much of myself this weekend. I was always looking for him to do something for me, which isn't fair. But cuddle me, give me something. He kind of got it this morning, I went to make my coffee and he came running to make it for me. I made him his lemon water his morning which I haven't been doing.

He did drive me around to all the stores I wanted to go to yesterday, but he also got something out of it.

March 3, 202

Let's start on a positive. Overall I had a good weekend. I had my cousin's first birthday. Friday night Braeden, his brother I and went to a golf simulator so I got to figure out which way I swung and got to practice a bit. Braeden stayed at my house all weekend and I really appreciated that. He may have had to pack a little more, but it is closer for him to go to and from hockey.

Yesterday I went out to lunch with Merrick and Nicole. I've seen Merrick at least once a year for the last few years, Nicole I haven't seen in a while. The last time I saw her I think was right before or during covid I did headshots for her. I would say overall it went well. Merrick and Nicole are both really religious. Whatever works or them, it just surprised me. Nicole mentioned she went to a party 6 months ago at Celine's house and everyone was there and she was speaking nicely of them, and Merrick and I were caught off guard. It made me anxious. Especially because Merrick and I both reached out a long time ago and never got a response. But she hung out and reached out to them first.

I am trying to figure out why it makes me mad. I know the emotion is anger. How could she be friends with people who did so much wrong? Why would she want to be? I had to ask myself if Nicole ever knew the extent of everything. I thought I had told her, I thought we were on the same page. Maybe I didn't. It's too late to put it on her. I think I always felt safe with Merrick knowing he feels the same way. He had my back. I think knowing she spent time with them willingly broke my safe bubble.

I tried talking with Braeden about it and he said "you realize this all stems from your ex, right?" which, yes he's right to a certain degree. It's so much more than that. It's a feeling of abandonment. My ex didn't abandon me, my "friends" did. My ex and I closed our chapter, and even though I found out more afterward, it was still closed. I had therapy to deal with the way men have made me feel abandoned. I never dealt with the friends part of it.

Those friendships were just as toxic as my relationship, and I avoided dealing with it. I feel like now I need to figure out how to deal with it all so I don't feel this way again.

Yesterday when Braeden and I went to hockey, my sister texted me telling me my dad got punched in the face. I didn't want to watch the video (you can't see the hit), but you can see the kid's face. I didn't sleep great and when I first woke up I just kept replaying it in my head. I really wish work had mental health days. I need one. I need to get ready to go. I haven't washed up or picked out clothes. I just started journaling because I got too tired last night.

February 29, 2024

It's a leap year day. Everyone born today will only have a birthday every 4 years.

I had a really slow day yesterday. Got to work late, left late (for me), went to Braeden's game. His mom was there and my cousin came out to play goalie for them. The team let him down and did not set him up great, but then I think he got in his head. He's also bigger and moves a little slower. Braeden is just happy he didn't have to play goalie. But his teammates want him in the net. They don't get it.

When we got home last night I got ready for bed, went to sleep and woke up with cramping pain, jumped in the bath, put a heat pad on it in bed and fell asleep, but now I am sore today. It was really weird.

February 26, 2024

I am trying to find the balance of all the things I want/need to do to feel calm and productive. Last night I worked on finishing my first granny square for the crochet project I am working on. It took longer than I thought to make, so I squeezed in a chapter of reading before bed instead of my usual Sunday journaling. Now I am doing it this morning. I even managed to get some Duolingo done last night and this morning.

I am working closer to home today, hoping I can get to the gym after. I have my bag packed and I am going to bring it with me. With the way I was feeling last week I only managed to go one day. This week I am on my period, but I really need to get back on track. I want to feel better about my body for Italy.

This weekend was good. I had a little cry on Friday because work really was just stressing me out. I managed to put it aside and have a good weekend. Friday night we went to a birthday. Saturday we went to the Outdoor Adventure Show and built Braeden's pantry. Sunday we finished the pantry, filled it and went to my Nonnas for lunch. Which helps with my goal of seeing them more often. I felt productive and I feel like I got that quality time with Braeden I have been wanting.

February 22, 2024

This tab had been open for 2 days and I am struggling to get things down. Works a bit of a shit show. They want us to work later in the day, which means more money on gas and more time in traffic. The backstabbing that is also happening is disgusting. Unprompted and out of left field. For whose benefit, I don't know. I don't think people know that if they get rid of me, that their job will become harder, and people still won't like them.

I'm scared what the stress is doing to my body. I can't lose weight, I can feel my chest acting up more often, my heart rate skyrockets and I feel like I am losing the connection I have with myself.

I need to find a gym close to work, I have communicated with Braeden that it needs to be a priority, that way I have somewhere I can go in the morning before work, or to wait out traffic after work. I want to see if these gyms have a week pass or something I can use to test out times that work for me. One of the gyms I want to look at I used to be really closed-minded to exploring. Until I realized they had good equipment and even a sauna that I could utilize to relax. Which is also something new I have been enjoying.

One of my friends from photography has reached out to hang out and I do want to see him, I just don't want to go downtown to do it. I can't believe that has become my deal breaker. I mean I can... I am also supposed to see the girl I became friends with at the gym on Sunday. We are going rock climbing.

I got a notification yesterday that someone had looked at my profile, when I scrolled down it showed me it was G. I found it weird.

Braeden and I are going to a party downtown tomorrow, and I really don't want to go. I have had time to mentally prepare but I just can't seem to fathom a 9pm start time. I do like the concept - death to my 20's as it's her 30th birthday.

I need to go through my reptile stuff this weekend. Figure out what I am keeping and what I am selling. I might ask my parents if there is somewhere they will let me put another terrarium. I want to move one of the Mexican blacks into a really nicely set up tank. I have a 20 gallon secure lid waiting to be used. It used to be mowglis or maybe its a 15... anyways it's better than what its in now. I also want to do a tank set up for my female hognose. Maybe I should look into some pvc tanks that I can stack. I would just need to figure out where to put them.

I've been excited to decorate terrariums and even move some animals. Although I do need to decide what I want to do and what I want to keep, if any breeding groups). I should message Dan and ask him if he wants first dibs on parts of my collection. I trust him and I don't think I will be upset if he makes great things with the stuff I gave him.

February 12, 2024

It was a good weekend.

Friday night we went to the gym and relaxed. We had a good workout and I am still sore.

Saturday we went to an adult indoor playground for his sister's birthday, then I came home did some laundry, and organized before the girls got here and we went to out Galentine's dinner. We came back to my house and played a murder mystery game that took us 3 hours.

Overall Galentine's was good. I did have a couple of realizations.

I really don't know what Alessia expects from men in relationships to like them. She was telling is that one of her friends is getting married, but she doesn't like the guy and she was explaining a few reasons, which I can maybe agree were reasons to be questionable about someone, but not dislike them to that amount. Maybe there's more than she told us. It just made me realize that she has a view on relationships and I don't know how realistic it is. People are going to argue and act ridiculous sometimes. That shouldn't be a defining moment. She isn't only like this with me but with all her friends and their partners. She made a comment about never finding someone last time we hung out, because of her expectations and I am seeing that be true, more and more. I hope she meets someone who will make her understand the ebb and flow of a relationship and how it can be great, but have its quirks.

The communication between the 3 of us is still selective. I asked Christina about her job situation and she said she would tell us in person, then Alessia finished her sentences and jumped to parts of the story like I knew already. Also, Christina went to the same psychic I went to and didn't tell me, but Alessia knew everything already. I didn't even get the full thing of what happened because the conversation moved on too quick. The fomo/jealousy is annoying, but it hurts less. I expect it.

Politics came up a few times and I really had to sit back and be quiet. I agree with them to certain extents, but not fully all the time. People should always be treated with respect.

I think I am still processing it all.

Yesterday was also a good day. Woke up to Braeden, I went to my facial while he went to hockey and then he met me to sell a snake and then go to my Nonnas for lunch. We came back to mine after and we planned our next week and a bit. I really want to block weekends off the calendar so we can go to the cottage more. We only have one Italy wedding and that's it. So hopefully the summer will be less busy than last. I kind of want to make a summer bucket list with him. Take a picture of each thing and make an album. I will talk to him about it.

I should set up a Sping goals check-in with Alessia soon too. I want to figure out a card or note for Braeden for Friday. I need to think of a plan to sell more snakes. I may be due to take some more pictures too.

One more thing about Galentines, Alessia asked how Braeden was. I said good and talked about his sister's birthday a little and there were no more questions asked. I tried not to talk about him much. I feel like I can say all the good things in the world, but if ever I say anything they don't agree with, all those good things won't matter. I want to refrain from having him come up all the time so they don't judge that either. It's a little sad that I have to be so calculated.

I guess two more things. Braeden slept at my house the night of Galentines, so I let them know he was coming over and that he was just going to say hi and go to bed. They said "he could play with us" and I don't know if they meant it. Braeden brought up the point, that they might judge him for not wanting to play. He was tired though, he was asleep when I went to bed. Such a double-ended sword.

Work last week was anxiety-ridden. I had a task due on Friday that I knew was impossible to complete. I did my best and told them I would continue to update, but it was a lot of work and their 2-week deadline was unrealistic due to one whole week of it I was in a studio and being pulled to prioritize other things. I mean it's hovering over me now, but I feel like as long as I can update and continue to work on it, it will be okay.

My direct boss is on vacation this week so we will see how things go.

February 6, 2024

I am continuing to have dreams that stress me out. Last night I had a dream that Braeden lied to me about who he was hanging out with and it was because he was going to hang out with Tyler, Venuse, and Andreas. Absolutely stupid.

So as I am laying here getting ready for bed, I decide maybe a little Instagram stalk would maybe get to the root. His account is taken down. I ended up looking at D's Instagram and saw hes still with that girl from the beach picture. I can't lie I got that awful feeling in my stomach. I really want to understand why. Am I just scared that I am going to be blindsided? Selfishly, why couldn't he love me, but why do I care now? Is it just the people pleaser in me or just a traumatic response?

I saw a side of myself this weekend that makes me want to improve. I got sassy for no reason and really didn't hold back what I was thinking. It wasn't fair to Braeden. I can be better than that.

I will do better.

Death is heavily on my mind. Staying calm and keeping my heart healthy. I need to be healthy.

February 5, 2024

I haven't made February goals yet, but have been trying to work on my year goals. Which I realized I haven't written here. I need to get on that. It gives me something to look back on. Some goals I know I am working on is seeing my grandparents, I have a lunch planned, and I will need to continue to plan. I am learning a new skill, I started crocheting. It's not as physical as I wanted a new hobby to be, but I do enjoy it. I am reading more than three times a week and also hitting my DuoLingo goals. Which reminded me to do that this morning.

It's about the time I need to leave but I am so cozy on the couch and Braeden is still asleep. There is a bunch of groceries I bought for cat sitting that are in the fridge that I need to pack and take with me. Its Monday, which means the traffic is going to be stupid. I really should get to work before 8.

Being out in the cold is really hurting my knees. The arenas and then outside skating. I wear layers and even brought my blanket yesterday. It's not enough though. I really want to go to the gym on Wednesday and bring my dress for alterations. Which means no hockey, and I will just go next Wednesday.

Braeden and I had to have a chat about the summer and his crazy activity schedule. 3 days in a row of stuff is going to be tough, he's going to try and make it so bowling isn't a weekly thing, but I know he really wants to do it along with Hockey twice a week. Whatever he decides we will figure it out, but I think I forget how busy he was last summer. It was also a little different because I wasn't going to hockey as much as I do now. We would just need to prioritize quality time, which we already have to do.

I have been super emotional and kind of a bitch. I feel like we spend time together, but it's less and less about us. I want to continue to get to know him, I want to have fun and do things that allow us to connect. Sure sitting and watching TV is great, but it doesn't allow us to build our relationship. We're always so caught up in everything we need to do. I want to plan and then execute and even have time to relax. I've tried to explain quality time to him, but I don't know if he doesn't get it or is just trying to poke fun at me.

I have also been letting myself get worked up, where I would have let things go before. I was kinda kicking myself for it yesterday and today I am thinking about how I do need to say how I feel and let him know some things aren't okay. Where is the middle on that though? I need to state how it made me feel, but also let him know that this time it's okay, but please don't let there be a next time. I need to stand my ground without pushing him away. I can use these times as an opportunity for us to grow and learn. Instead, I cry and just get sassy.

I need to remember to communicate my frustrations and keep calm and not blow up, because I can stay calm.

January 29, 2024

I have been continuing to have the weirdest dreams that I am fully aware I am having. Murderers, robbery, weird ass shit. I really want to smoke some weed and see if it goes away. Maybe I need to play some music in the background while I sleep. I should try breathing before/until I fall asleep too.

My alarm went off at the same time I was waking up from one of those dreams, so instead of closing my eyes I decided to take advantage of the natural awakening and get up. Having some lemon water, which takes me forever to drink and will make me pee like a racehorse all morning. I also have my coffee lined up and ready to go.

I don't know what to expect from work this week. I am hoping today is the only day I need to be in the office. Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday I am in the studio working longer days and Thursday would be nice to work from home since I have an appointment at 3:30 and will spend more time working if I don't need to travel. People don't get that though or care quite frankly. If you aren't working in the office, the mentality is you aren't working. Somehow not being in the office means you are unreachable, even if we have laptops and phones.

Braeden really wanted me to go watch him play hockey last night, so I did. We ended up getting home early enough that I could take a shower and do some research. I don't feel like I had a good enough bedtime, but I know he was happy that I went and I got some reading in. I won't be going to his Wednesday game this week and since I can't really come here the rest of the week, he's going to come to mine on Tuesday night. Which honestly makes me really happy that he's willing to put in that effort. Not that he hasn't in the past, I just continue to appreciate it. It takes a little bit of stress off of me to figure it out.

We had a really good weekend. We went skating on Friday, on Saturday we went to see Russel Peters, and yesterday we drove back and spent a lot of the day together. We weren't very productive but yesterday I think the recovery was needed. My period also showed up and has taken a toll on me.

Next weekend we are going to the cottage which I know is going to be a very relaxed weekend, besides all the travelling. I am looking forward to it though. Going to bring a book and my yarn and hopefully make a dent in this blanket.

Time to get ready for work.

Need to set February goals...

January 25, 2024

It was a little hard getting out of bed this morning. My period is delayed but I'm crampy.

I bought lingerie for Valentine's Day, last night. I want to dress confident and have a good night. I just needed an excuse to buy nicer lingerie.

Instead of reading this morning, I'm journaling because I am not ready to start a new book. I notice I do this between each one. I want to start, but don't want to commit.

I need to pack a gym bag and bring it with me so I go directly to the gym after work. I had to have a conversation with Braden about finding another gym. It hurts me when he tells me that it's in my head. I mean it is, it's a trauma response. My way of dealing with it is finding somewhere I enjoy going and feeling comfortable enough with the surroundings. I know it's not going to make sense to anyone else. He asks "what's the worst that's going to happen?". I don't want to find out. He said he still wants to look for another gym but he's realizing that he gets bored at one gym. If you find one gym you like yo won't need to go to multiple to satisfy your desire for things. There will be new things to try, you'll meet regulars and make new friends. I just get frustrated because yes I like to plan and organize, but I gave him 2 new gyms to look at and unless I tell us when we're going we won't go. "When we have time," he says. We have gone to the gym how many times? We could have gone to one of them at some point. His sister got a membership at a gym near me work, that I kind of want to look at now. I also still need to look into pilates classes.

January 21, 2024

Last week went by quicker than I thought.

This week, I know is going to be a harder week, with a lot of work to do. I just hope I can mentally handle it.

I went through my old phone yesterday. There were pictures I hadn't seen in years, but also videos that I want to lie and say I forgot existed, but thought about from time to time.

The videos G took while we were fucking, the pictures of me cooking in a crotch rope and cuffs. He helped me heal pieces of me that I don't know how I would have healed on my own, while simultaneously hurting me more than anyone else ever has. Sure, the feeling of Daniel breaking up me hurt, but it was quicker and the feeling of not being enough and abandonment wouldn't have been there if it weren't for G. When I found out Daniel had a new girlfriend it was a replay.

I have grown so much since, 2019 me had the same values, but self-care wasn't a thing and mental illness was front and center.

It bothers me that his relationship worked out because of how much he hurt me. I'm sitting here trying to unpack that. I shouldn't care. I am happy in the relationship I am in, I am happy with the person I am now, I am proud of the tool kit I have built. I am proud of the career I have worked so hard to get into. I was so vulnerable and fragile, he strung me along, got what he wanted and he got out.

I took what I needed off that phone and I have put it away. Pictures from Ecuador, pictures of Mowgli, my Nonna's meatball and sauce recipes, pictures of Phoenix.

I have been really craving connection time with Braeden. We haven't had a date in a while. We are always doing something or trying to relax because we have been doing too much. I just want to find ways to spend more quality time together.

January 16, 2024

Weekends are flying by and I really want to know how I can slow down time to enjoy them more thoroughly. Make them last longer, savor them.

Last week when I was feeling off it was because I was experiencing burnout. Working late those two days, two night of hockey and despite my best efforts of trying to balance everything, it was all too much. I left work early on Thursday to work at home and relax, and I did the same on Friday.

After saying I wasn't going to go to Sunday hockey, I went last night, but I know I won't be going to Wednesday hockey this week.

I have a productive week planned. We will see what work throws my way.

Breaden and I had a couple of really good conversations this weekend, although we still haven't worked on goals. We went to the mall yesterday for him to look for clothes and for me to look for a dress. I need to order one online this week. It's hard looking online, none of the models are short and proportioned like me, so I need to use logic. I also hate returning which doesn't help if I want to buy multiple and then return.

Every Monday, every week day is the same. I don't want to go to work.