penniesforyourthoughtsj - Tumblr blog

penniesforyourthoughtsj · 3 years

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Who is Sza and who is Me?

There’s this quote I read on pinterest

by this woman czlled

Ranata Suzuki

or maybe she is a man

or he is a man

Nebeytheless here I am

yet again.

There’s this artist called Sza and she is a phenomenon

kind of like Frank Ocean.

What is the correalation

and who am I

or who was I

or who will I be?

None of those r certain and yet one thing is, time.

It will move, and it will leave u behind.

It does not wait for u and it will enver wait for u.

It’s beautiful, all of it and yet I know none of it./ I never really ahd the attention span to rly read it all I knwo is that it resonates the future.

The me, probably.

I was talking about the melodies, the lyrics of them both.

Frank Ocean and Sza.

Therefore, what really si the messahe?

Sabrina Claudio,

Jorja Smith

Mahalia

Jhene Aiko

Ella Mai

The people worth looking forward to.

funny.

Anyways, it is finals season, 3rd yr 1st semester.

and it si currentyl the 13th of december

12.12 was yesterday-- shopee spree haul

I cannot think and the emotions r spiralling.

The reason as to why I am writing this now, is because of my best friend Dexiel. She posted something on instagram, a snippet of what happened to her yesteday night/dawn.

She talked about how lovely the stars were and how it reminded her of her past and this theory about looking at things that r now in oblivion or in her case, right above the greatest stories of all time.

I do not think that death is a sad thing, I think it is a heroic thing. Being part of the greatest heroes of the past, the chance to talk to them infinitely, ask them questions as to why they conquered continents, created wonders, wrote history, became history. A chance to talk to Alexander the Great a chance to talk to Cleopatra and a chance to talk to Lucifer or Gabrielle himself.

All of these infinite possibilities that are ahead of u. Yet, u leave a hole to people who are the Alexander the Great, the Lucifer and the Gabrielle of ur life.

I do not give a fuck about alexander the great, he would have been nothing if it was not for the priviledge that he had of being born from a wealthy king and a rich dynasty. If thesame priviledge was bestwoed upon someone who had nothing yet had thesamea ambition of his then what really is it?

Everything happens for a reason I think.

I mean, Alexander the great was greater than hsi father or the ones before him and teh person who was ahead of him. Why was he great and not his son if his son had more priviledge than him from being born from him.

And this is where I rest my case with Dexiel.

There could have been infinite people and infinite chances that the circumstance that she is in will happen to anyone.

Why her?

Why ‘Mamay’?

It is not the strength.

Nor is it the cards surrounding her.

But mere reason

and Belief

And the belief that God will give her so much more

And the ‘infinite possibilities’ and ‘the heroic thing’ I talked about what death is.

Yes, the belief that heaven exists is something that I hold very very dear to my heart.

And another thing that I hold dear in my heart is seeing a very dear friend of mine in pain.

And I’d like to remind her that this happened to u and that happened to u because u r u and there is so much ahead of u.

However it is not something and it is not up to me to remind her of this things.

It is up to her mum.

It is up to the heavens to whisper to her that yes proud is not even a word to describe how I feel when I look at u and see how hard ur trying and how many time u broke and fell and yet u picked urself up and told urself that no this is not something that my mum would be proud of me doing

It is up to her to believe that yes heaven does exist

heaven is watching

and heaven is waiting

the infinite possibiities that she has right now

being the closest to having the chance to talk to gods, Jesus himself

and also the greatest wonders of the worlds

the architects

michaelangelo

leonardo da vinci

monalisa herself

frida kahlo

the greatest and the worst kings and QUEENS of the world

mICHAEL jackSON

Princess Diana

all of these dead people

all of these infinite possibilities that she has now

and that u (takya) have in front of u

Therefore, keep watching at the stars and keep reminding urself about the beauty of looking at the past

Because someday u will be a past to

all of those around u will be a star too

and u will be a star too

and she is already a star to

But never fret, because just how the moon and the stars continually shine every night for u

the stars never die because they already died

and just like how there are infinite possibilities and infinite stars above u and the infinite planets and moons and all of these astronomical things above u

someday, u will be able to look at the stars and realise

the stars r yes the past

but the stars r always watching over u

every heartache, every problems, every dilemmas,

all of these things

it is up to u and it is up to us to solve it

and it is up to ur papay and it is up to kian2

here’s to the beauty of death and the beauty of the heavens.

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penniesforyourthoughtsj · 8 years

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Thoughts at 4 in the fucking morning. Hello eye bags. 🙄

Moving on seems to be always out of the context whenever it comes to these people. What I fool I had been to think that they were trying to help in the times of my artificial struggle. There I was continuously bullied by everyone yet all along the people whom I considered the rock of the reason why I survived knew and allowed it all along. Don't even give me the 'they did it cause it would have solved everything' bullshit. Everyone knew it was way too superficial to be true. I was basically riding on a bike which was fuelled by my parents' demons. I have cried and cried for weeks, asking myself and God why I had to go through such awfulness. I might be stabbing myself and opening my own wounds through looking back and reminding myself over such bad times. However, I have tried to move on yet people seems to be never allow me to do so. All those pain, all those motivation... How could they do this to me? I have continuously reminded myself of the good times to cure from the bad times. Yet even now, they're still torturing me. Even worse. Everyday, I continuously wonder when the day all those torturing will come back again. One mistake and they feast on it like a pile of hungry beasts. Don't even tell me what's best for me. If u knew what was best for me u would have made me move on ages ago. This is no typical teenage daddy issues or teenage mid life crisis issue. This is a criminal act of a person's mind. My mind. Concealing all of those brutality through glamourising every bit of my life. Telling me to live my life and encouraging me to move on yet I know that is just the surface of it all. Underneath, everyone is just waiting me to perform the next silver lining moment. The moment where I will feel completely hopeless again, however this time there will be no pain. No. This time it will be complete anger. Anger cause I don't deserve this. I don't deserve to be this broken. I don't deserve to be used as a leverage for money. I am no collateral. Fuck u. Everyday, every second, every hour they conceal the real question that I ask myself. When did it all start? When were the real times and when were the fake times? Don't bullshit me tho. All of it was real, with reason or with none. They all said those words and they all hurt me equally. Whilst reading this u might telling urself, 'shouldn't she be moving by now?' I would've if people will lay off of me. See, I live by this golden rule I set to myself. Forgive AND forget. I don't like remembering pain nor do I like making people feel guilty. They might have used me, for money or whatever, but I don't really care. Not yet anyway. I might seem nice, but I can be cunning to. Subtly anyway. I will destroy u. Not on my own hands, but u will be. Time will come. U won't even see it coming. Dead or alive, I will get my revenge. Actually, revenge is for cowards. Hate that word. Torture is never a good weapon. Been there Will only cause pain and death. I don't want to be karma'd. Don't want death. Don't want a curse. Pain will only cause these people to be angrier. What pain will bring, I don't know. It will either bring hate or whatever. I don't really know tbh. I don't know a lot of things from this world. But all I know is that even the kindest person will soon perish (spiritually or mentally) if it's been broken too soon. A lone soul is never a good one. A lone soul can only withstand certain pressure. A kind lone soul can only be kind for so long, soon it will be damned too. Jesus had his 12 disciples. Was betrayed by one, then soon betrayed by everyone despite only bringing good. Healing people and forgiving people. Judas was once a good disciple, but was tempted by evil. However, soon after he killed himself. All those money, all those wealth he had. None of it mattered in comparison to the guilt he soon felt. A moment of greediness caused a good soul to perish. If Jesus only did good things, why did people allow him to be tortured? If they knew all about the miracles, why didn't they stood up? Fear? I don't fucking know tbh. One person did apparently help him to carry the cross. But why did they all just cry on the sidelines? Whilst some laugh. Why is a person's dignity still questioned despite being consistently good all the time? Why do people dissect the worst even though Jesus only did good? I hate my life.

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