And I? I drink, I burn, I gather dreams.

Hélène Cixous, from The Book of Promethea, tr. by Betsy Wing (University of Nebraska Press, 1991)

If it is right, it happens — The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.

John Steinbeck,”Letter to Thom Steinbeck,” 10 Nov. 1958 (via thequotejournals)

Park Bench Paradise

After Old Sally left, I kept getting drunk as hell in the same f*cking bar, and decided to call up Old Luce. It was this guy at a school I used to go. I never really got to know him very well, but anyways, I hadn’t anything else to do, so I geva him a buzz.

He said he was going to be here about in 2 hours, so I just went to see a movie. I don’t really like movies, but I was bored, and it was this movie about some guy who looses his memory, and does some stuff with a girl, and at the end he recovers his memory and all. It was the phoniest movie ever, I was about to puke, but everyone in the theater was emotively moved. They are all phonies, I mean, literature is better, and the f*cking movie was crap.

After the movie I waited for Luce. He was a guy with a very good eye for flits. You could say any name you wanted and he would tell you if he was a flit or not. He also knew a lot about sex. He finally got here and the first thing he said was that he could only stay for a couple minutes because he “always had something else to do”. So I tried to start a conversation with him, but he’s an intellectual, and they dont like to talk unless their in the mood, and this guy didn’t really like me that much, so he didn’t talk much. He said that he had this new Chinese girlfriend. That “sex with orientals is more spiritual and genuine”. So after a while he left and I kept getting drunk. The kicked me out. I went to the park and I was so drunk, and the park was so f*cking dark, so I nearly fell into the fountain. I slept on a bench, and did some stupid things. It was a very dark night, I was lonely at last, and isolated.

This song always reminds me of Old Sally from back at Pencey. It pisses me off, but it’s true. 

One of Lady Day’s many classics.

Here’s where I was yesterday. This place was filled with hippies and heroin addicts, but no one had any shit to say to me and I could watch all these phonies pass me by in peace. 

Washington Square Park, Greenwich Village, NY ca. 1955

This is essentially what Maurice and good ol’ whats-her-face did to me. 

5 Bucks For A Bastard

I’m so f*cking pissed right now, I mean, really pissed off. That sonuvabitch Maurice really got the crap out of me. He’s the guy that operates the elevator at the crappy hotel I’m staying at. He f*cking stole 5 bucks from me, and all because I was feeling pretty sexy and I wasn’t thinking how I normally do because of my affinity for cheap scotch. I’ll tell you about it, I don give a shit if you care or not, I just want to let it out.

So I got back from Ernie’s, and went to my room. When I got to the elevator there was this guy and he called himself Maurice. He seemed to be a very kind of sore guy, but kind of nice too. Anyways, he asked me if I wanted to have, you know, a girl or something for tonight, a prostitute. So as I told you before, I was kind of getting hot and stupid and drunk, so I just asked how much - he said it would be 5 bucks for about an hour, so I accepted. He says she would be there in about 5 minutes. So I went to my room and changed to a clean shirt. I knew I didn’t really have to do that, but I just wanted to because I didn’t know what else to do with myself. I brushed my teeth and waited. She got to the room, she was about my age, and her name was Sunny. She was very pretty and blonde, but when she started to get off her dress, I just didn’t feel like doing it anymore. I dont know, I just felt so depressed, I wanted to talk to somebody that actually cared. So we just talked or a while and then she told me to gave her 10 bucks! Good old Maurice said it was 5, so we got into a fight. After a while she left and came back with that sonuvabitch Maurice. He kept telling me to give him the 5 bucks I was supposed to owe him, but I knew better, I didn’t owe him a damn cent. He got pissed off and hit me between the legs with his fist so hard that I just fell to the floor, crippled in pain. The whore grabbed my wallet and took the 5 bucks. The pain sucked so bad that I just couldn’t do anything and stayed there in the floor and watched them leaving. Oh boy, that really depressed the hell out of me, but at the same time I was just enraged. I looked at the window to see if the perverts were still at the room, but they weren’t there, so I just went to sleep.

Here’s two of the three “angels” that somehow stumbled into my drunken path. They were so stupid. I mean look at their faces, phoniness to its fullest extent. 

Women drinking and smoking in the Mannequin Club, 1956

Mostly scotch, little soda

So yeah, I finally got to New York. I checked in in this kind of crappy hotel downtown. I went to my room and all, but I wasn’t really tired at all. I heard about this fucking night club here at the hotel so I guess I decided to go and check it out, just for the hell of it you know. When I got there, there were mostly only old people, or adults, enjoying the phony music, which by the way sucked big time. I ordered some scotch and soda but the fucking sonuvabitch won’t gave it to me, because he said I was a minor. I knew somebody was going to ruin my time soon enough. God how I hate this fucking guy. But anyways, I just ordered some soda and went to this 3 girls sitting in the table besides me. One was okay looking, and kind of blonde, but the other ones where fat and ugly. So I went to their table and asked them out to dance you know, just to have a good time. I started dancing with the blonde one, she was a good dancer, but kept looking for some hot-shots in the club, which its very unlikely to achieve in this crappy clubs. She wasn’t even listening to what I was trying to say, so I just got tired and said I saw someone and we went back to the table to discuss it. They were all talking about that, and then I danced with the ugly ones, who danced horribly. After a few drinks and all in one of the phoniest and boring talks Ive ever been to, I went to my room just to loose some time. I was getting very bored there, and I thought of calling to old Jane, or even Phoebe, but I wasn’t really in the mood, so I took a cab to this night club: Ernie’s. I used to go there with my brother D.B., theres always this guy Ernie playing the piano. I drank a lot of scotch and a little bit of soda, but I don’t really feel like going much into it.

Here I am. This world in front of me. Nobody in New York can tell me shit, because no one knows me and no one cares. I’m sure someone will ruin this for me soon enough. 

Times Square, New York, 1967

NYC

I checked my bags and everything, and for the dough, I had plenty of dough, but I decided Id try to sell my typewriter machine, because I wouldn’t need it for the trip. I went with this guy, and sold it for 90 bucks, it was enough for me. I’m now in my room preparing, I’m just on my way out. I put on my red hunting hat which I bought last week at New York. Its pretty sweet. I have to go and say good bye to Old Mr. Spencer, my history teacher here at Pencey. I’ll write about my visit next time I come by here, but I have to go now. “Sleep tight ya morons!!”, is what I just yelled before going out. Im sure it was strong enough to waken up everybody in the building, those sonuvabitches. Well, I guess Ill see you later, I have to catch up the train to New York after going with Old Spence.

How Soon Is Now - The Smiths

Nobody really understands me, and just dismisses me like some stupid kid. Just because I’m not old doesn’t mean I don’t know anything. 

“You shut your mouth How can you say I go about things the wrong way? I am human and I need to be loved Just like everybody else does”

The Catcher in the Rye, J.D. Salinger  (greemuel)

The Catcher in the Rye, J.D. Salinger |  greemuel