let me tell you driving from Ohio to Washington in a SmartCar with everything I owned was funny enough on its own but once I got west of the Rockies, every. single. time. I stopped ar a gas station, random dads would just spawn beside my car. like there was some sort of dad portal following me. and they’d see my ohio plates and go, “did you DRIVE through the mountains in that?” and every. single. time. I’d go, “well, they didn’t airlift me!”

it killed. it absolutely cleared ever time. never failed to make the dads laugh. they were obsessed. i said it the same every time. it was like I was in a groundhog day timeloop on interstate 70 westbound gas stations. and i you know what? I was happy.

My one friend group can't stop saying, "See you in hell!" in a cheerful voice instead of, "Talk to you later!" and my other friend group can't stop calling things "penis" instead of "cool" or "good", so I just unironically uttered the phrase, "Sounds penis, see you in hell," as I got off the phone.

if you breathe night air, you become a vampire or ghoul. this is known. what's less well known, however, is that if you leave the window open overnight but close the curtains, a pocket of night air will get trapped betwixt. then in the morning, if you open the curtains and take a deep breath, you will begin to ghoulitize, only for the rays of the morning sun to zap the curse of undeath from your body before it can take root. better than coffee!

not romantic nor platonic but a secret third thing (so closely linked in the narrative that the author shuffled our character traits many times trying to decide which of us is which)

i used to be a swords kinda guy but then i realized you can easily defeat even the most prestigious swordsman with just basic polearm training

Ugh, was having a great time mocking my recently imprisoned rival when I noticed the camera positioning makes it so that I appear behind the bars, thus framing me as trapped in a metaphorical prison of the narrative, now my whole day is ruined. Fuck.

she took the midnight train going anywhere

i make kermit doodles to leave on @marybear214 's desk when we play D&D and i think this is my best one

Villains in Addams Family movies go to really unnecessary lengths to defraud them of the family fortune. These people just give it away on whims all the time. If I just walked into the house and started wearing their clothes and spending their money, they wold start introducing me as Cousin Intruder and forget there was ever a time I didn’t live with them.

The default length of pasta is designed to fit on a supermarket shelf, not to be the best length for cooking/eating.

Feel free to break it to any length you want (don't let the Italians know I said this)

You, a heroic paladin have successfully slain a fearsome dragon. But the dragon warns you that death is but a door, and dragons don’t die, they reincarnate. You paid it no mind….until your son was born with golden, slitted eyes.

these posts have the same vibes imo 💯

unfortunately no eclipse photography can ever outdo the waffle house one from 2017