i am woman. i am love. i am grace. i am beauty. i am confidence. i am embracing others. i am attracting others. i am woman.

as i lay in the darkness, i sink deeper into the entrapment of my swan-colored sheets and feel as though this is my eternal resting place. how could one ever arise from the graceful grecian pose we find ourselves to the sound of morning doves? the ever-looming thought of having to wake up is the mere thing keeping me from falling asleep in the first place. oh woe, how i cannot seem to ever find peace in a thought before that same peace shall consume me is my lifelong struggle. until the morning doves sing, let us repeat this nightly waltz evermore.

and all that effort and energy i’ve always given to people? it has never been reciprocated in my life.

until now.

i think i’ll miss you forever.

a callback to then

reading this now almost seems silly. as though i was naive to our true nature. reading this now makes me a bit testy-eyed. reading this now makes me miss you even more. i never thought that we would get along as well as we did. the connection isn’t lost either, as we talk every monday and catch each other up. it’s just difficult. it was difficult to watch you go, because of the sudden growth spurt we had. you are one of the only people i can be myself with. yet shortly after i discovered that, we had to say goodbye. well, not goodbye. see you later. eighteen months. we could do that. and we have managed well enough throughout it all. you’re just finishing up your seventh month, and that seems like it has gone by so fast. yet not one day goes by without my heart aching a bit for you. many times i have thought about the process i would need to go through in order to see you. buy a plane ticket, rent a hotel room, and wander around until i hopefully see a pair of guys. wander until i see a tall, wavy-haired. glasses-wearing missionary. until i see you. but of course, that’s simply too much for me to do. if you were here, that’s what you would tell me. you’re on a mission, which is something i don’t think i could ever do. we discussed our religious differences before your departure and understood. i discussed my desires of what should happen if i were to marry a member of the lds church. you agreed. that night, i told you i would wait for you to an extent. i will still be hopefully single by the time you return. we will attempt to pursue our relationship again, this time giving us a longer duration. i’m not sure how it will go, but it’s worth a shot. your return is something that i’ve been looking forward to since the moment you walked away from my door. my entire graduation ceremony was deprived of me crying. that was, until i realized you weren’t there. i missed you so much, and tearfully made my way to the orchestra room for the last time. i saw your brother that night, but not the rest of your family. not you. i miss you so much and i can’t wait for you to come back.

j. f. - the boy in first chair.

in the viola section, there are only four of us. although we are completely outnumbered by every other instrument, we compensate for it in skill and volume.

at the beginning of the year, i noticed our lack of members, and instantly knew that i just had to get close to these people. i have sat with all three of the other members and gotten to know them. we now have a group message, and text frequently.

but one individual caught my eye particularly. he was tall, and looked absolutely dashing in a suit (needed for our concerts). he had dark brown eyes, and his matching hue of hair formed gentle waves, like a lazy lake.

his hands were articulate in everything they did, whether it be placing fingers down on the neck of the instrument, or flipping a page. he was first chair, which wasn’t surprising. he played loudly, and he played well.

now, his voice is truly unique. it had a different type of personality to it, contrary to his. it was raspy, brooding, almost. i loved it. i could hear him talk for hours. on our long phone conversations i couldn’t get sick of it.

he has an insanely humorous way of words. nearly everything that comes out of his mouth could make you laugh. getting to know him is probably one of the best decisions i have made this school year.

from admiring him from the distance to asking him to the school’s sadie’s dance, we have definitely come a long way from being complete strangers.

i’m sorry

although it has officially been more than a week since i’ve graduated, there are still some loose ends that need to be tied up. for me, at least. the people that my thoughts pertain to most likely care very little about me or the situation now. yet there are some that i know are still hurting. for example, i still feel poorly about my position regarding a former friend. she and i never had quarrels and i always considered her to be a kind person. that still hasn’t changed. and to her i apologize. i apologize for that taboo kiss that occurred with him. it wasn’t right of either of us to indulge in the forbidden fruit. i hold you highly in my heart and hope that one day you forgive me. the next apology feels a bit odd of me to do. yet i can’t help but feel as though i need to. it goes to my ex-boyfriend. my first love. i don’t know what i did to deter you from me, but i apologize for whatever it was. i know that people change and grow over time, and i’m sorry we didn’t grow in the same direction. i’m sorry our branches diverged. i apologize for my mosaic of lost things. it was recently brought to my attention that i was still in possession of an acquaintance’s belongings. and with this, i realized just how much i had of other people’s. the book given to me to borrow over two years ago. the bow tie that will never be returned due to the nature of that dismantled relationship. a pair of sunglasses that will soon find their way back. a lipstick from someone in another state now. off the top of my head, that’s all i can remember. yet there is more. there will always be more. without the little reminders of influential people in my life, how will i know how i have grown to my current state? i apologize to the owners of these items, as they put a small dent in our relationship. i have apologized so many times in my life, but i never have felt like it was an adequate amount. i hope that one day i can stop my frequent apologies. but from this point, i’m sorry.

drive safe

you didn’t even wait until we were out of the school parking lot. the words, “i think we should break up,” were uttered as we still had three more speed bumps to go. my tears began escaping as we barely got onto the main road. yet, why did you wait so long? you told me that you had been thinking about this for a couple of weeks. yet just one week ago you had an opportunity to break up with me after cheating on me. i stayed with you because i thought we could work things out and still be okay. i just wanted you to be okay. why didn’t you break up with me then? i know you said you weren’t sure about it, but it would’ve caused less pain. but still, you stayed with me. i know you, and you wouldn’t have stayed if you didn’t think it would work. i can’t believe myself for feeling like this ending is my fault. i can’t help but think that i did something to push you away. i can’t fathom a reason as to why i should hate you. i can’t live a single day without you crossing my mind repeatedly. we see each other every single day, and it’s like you can’t even look at me. i know how you feel. you feel bad. you made that clear while ending things. you told me that you didn’t want to stop talking. you told me you still cared about me. you told me that you still wanted to be my friend. and i know all of that is true. you’re a truthful person, and you always have been. and this is another reason as to why you ended things; to be true to yourself. something you haven’t done in a long time. yet it makes me think. were you not honest with yourself throughout our time together? i was the most authentic version of myself around you, and to think that you were far from that point stings the most. you have had a piece of my heart before we ever met. i never knew what love felt like until you became my friend. it felt like the world got a little bit brighter. that i didn’t need to feel like a burden to everyone. i went to you on the night i almost killed myself. you were there for me. i know you still are. but you are the only person to have ever seen me in that vulnerable of a state. and to think that now you aren’t even pinned in my texts shows me how drastic a relationship can change. we are in a one-sided situation right now. i still love you. you’re over me. and that hurts. yet i know that if i were to text or call you for anything, you would gladly reply. because that’s the kind of person you are. you are simply an amazing person. the person i could count on for anything. the one i could talk to about anything and everything. and i did. i talked about everything with you. you knew that i had recently been abandoned by the people i considered friends. but then you decided to leave too. that’s the part that hurt the most, the fact that you knew that you were the only person i had. i have cried every day since our ending, and it hasn’t even been a week yet. i tear up whenever i see you. i hear guitar and weep. i am reminded of you everywhere i go. the slightest mention of baseball fills me with melancholy. classical music swirls with sadness. the sight of you breaks me. the way you wrap your hand around the neck of your violin is similar to the way your hand would hold mine, with yours being so much larger. the way you turn a page is the same skill used as when you tucked my hair behind my ears. everything you do is meaningful to me in a way you could never imagine. whenever i get a notification, i hope it’s your name i see. i am still so hung up on you, and it makes me so angry. it makes me angry that i can’t stop loving you. the only person i have ever romantically loved. and now you’re gone. and i miss you. i miss you so much. hopefully i’ll be okay in time to see you open your mission call. i love you.

let’s hope my allergy lessens

growing closer to you has been something that i truly believe my inner being has needed from the beginning of its’ existence. you help me and show me what it truly means to live. before i really knew you, and i say this as we’ve known each other for quite some time and just haven’t been as close, i felt lifeless. every night felt as if it could potentially be my last on my own accord. i didn’t think there was a reason that my presence would be necessarily missed on this planet. it was such a world of monotony that i wanted to leave so desperately. yet you began to unknowingly display to me so many reasons why i needed to stay. one: to get to know you. two: to pursue my aspirations and attempt to make my name in this world. three: to conquer my cat allergy. there is so much more, yet the countless ideals formed in my mind once i knew you are at times indescribable regardless of their importance. not only did you save my life, you brought meaning to it. you gave me more love than i’ve ever felt, and i am so ridiculously grateful for that. you’ve shown me what it’s like to be treated as a human being, and why i shouldn’t expect anything less. at the beginning of your quarantine, i didn’t expect to feel as i do now. you balance me out, and without you i have felt intensely off. there is a piece of me missing, and you have it. i can’t wait until i get to see you again, as i am struggling. there’s a certain melancholy feeling in my mind that is suppressed whenever i am with you, that being without has been bringing turmoil upon me yet again. i have been attempting to focus on the positive influences you have on me when we are together, rather than the negativity brought to me during our separation. thank god for modern technology, allowing us to keep in contact as much as we can. even though some days you sleep upwards of ten hours and i am atrocious at texting, we manage. thank you for being my best friend, i love you!

he’s off to new york city

it’s 1:10am on a wednesday morning. i’m laying in bed and thinking of you. that sounds so grossly romantic, yet in reality the thoughts that are occupying my mind aren’t directly correlating to romance. i’m just thinking, as a human does when the nightfall grows. you left last week, and i don’t even remember the last time i saw you. perhaps it was the time when i hung out with your brother instead. we didn’t talk much, but still saw each other. yet things would be so vastly different if it weren’t for the pandemic crisis we’re in. the world has changed in a drastic sense, thousands have died, you’re going to new york to attend a prestigious university, and here i am; a teenage girl that can’t stop thinking about a boy. i would say that this is cliché. but there are some exceptions to the adjective that makes our situation individualistic. often times in stories that consist of girls pining after seemingly unattainable boys, the female counterpart hardly confesses their feelings, and is left to dwell in her misery. yet i told you of mine, and you begun to tap dance. seriously? it was an interesting reaction, needless to say. i told you because that was pretty much our relationship with each other. we were honest, and didn’t see a reason to sugarcoat some things. after all, we didn’t know each other too well- so why preserve our true thoughts? i told you that i was going through a stage of adoration in regards of you, and you didn’t feel the same. you didn’t say that, but it wasn’t very arduous to conclude. i told you and then i cried that night, even though i knew it would hardly change a thing. i told you, and there were no differences in our relationship afterwards. looking back on it now, i don’t understand much of it. does one ever truly understand the inner mechanisms of the human emotional system? you were everyone’s favorite, and even those you weren’t as close with still admired you from afar. that made me extremely envious of you. envious with a tinge of admiration myself. i understood the appeal. and now, you’re on the other side of the country. you did it. you got out, just as everyone aspires to do. like i want to. nearly every high school graduate is terrified of the thought of staying in this soul-eating city, and you were able to escape the nightmare. a question that lingers in my head is the pondering about what happens after you finish your schooling. will you come back? i understand why you wouldn’t. yet, it seems as if everything is here. but in those four years, nearly everything will be there. you will be counted as part of the population in the city that never sleeps. i’m glad that we were able to remain friends until your departure. even if we didn’t see each other recently, who cares? at least we knew each other. we know each other. we talked. we shared stories. we shared laughter. and most importantly, we shared love. again, not necessarily romantic. it was a love that we both knew that the other would be there in dire situations. a love that didn’t require constant communication. a love that lessened over our distant times, but remained throughout. i’m so excited for what is coming for you. you’re beginning your life, and i can’t wait to see what you do.

Romeo and Juliet Illustration by Sergio Cupido

to you

Dear C, you’re a tricky one.

Why? Because I don’t know what it is with you. Do I like you? Should I just pursue friendship? After all, you’ll be gone soon. After that, who knows where the world will lead you. You have so many good things in store for you, and I can’t wait to see where you go. I think I may have more than just friendly feelings for you. But again, I’m not sure. But you’re such an amazing person. I never thought I would become friends with you. Seeing you freshman year was like seeing a celebrity. I guess now you sort of are one. You just, you give me a feeling that everything is perfect. Talking with you isn’t even talking. It’s having words flow out, not thinking excruciatingly hard about what to say next. Laughing with you isn’t just laughing. It’s the harmonious aftermath of a pure moment. There is so much of that, and I don’t mind it. Hearing your voice is so comforting. It’s like I’ve heard it my whole life, and I just never knew until I heard you speak. I love the conversations we have where it bounces. I say one thing and it reminds you of another, and vice versa. And I love the small things. I couldn’t believe it when you came and sat at my table, when there were others open. I couldn’t believe that you kept doing that, on purpose. Noticing the differences when we’re with each other is so interesting. I never would’ve realized it if it was someone else. Which is why I think I have different, uncommon, not friendly feelings for you. That makes it sound like I hate you, yet it’s almost the exact opposite. And I’ve discussed it with someone else, and she said that she thinks you may be reciprocating the same ones. But who knows. Maybe you’re the person for me, but I’m not the one for you. And that’s okay. I just don’t know how to do it. Do I tell you of my feelings? Who knows. I sure don’t. But I’ll figure it out. But thank you for giving me the feeling that anything is possible.

personal post #2 - anxiety and being emotionally unavailable.

it usually doesn't happen too often, but there's always a lingering feeling. the thought that everything could go wrong, the thought that i can mess everything up. yet i don't quite know what it is. i don't believe it's depression, but i do know that it strongly affects my mental health. nearly everything i say or do had to go through various stages in my brain in order to be approved. therefore, if something i do has a not preferable outcome, there is a aftermath that overtakes my mind for however long.

such things that turn this "switch" on of overthinking, blaming, and whatever else are a variety. getting yelled at, awkward situations, getting an off-putting response. they send me into a state of, "why did i do that?" and more.

here's the thing- i never show it. hardly ever. nobody can telll when this disaster is occurring in my head. and that's quite sad. the fact that i feel so emotionally closed off to people that i can't even convey feelings of sensitivity, stressfulness, or anxiety is what disturbs me. what happened to me, that i don't trust people to hold my emotions and help me? for example, just the other day, i had a panic/anxiety attack. although these don't happen to me very often, when it does i often have to take time to myself. the forms of these attacks come in various states such as crying, blankly staring, or even denial of it. instead of showing that i was going through a state, i had to pretend like i wasn't, and continue a conversation with my mother.

but she didn't notice. she couldn't. the fact that there were so many things going in and out of my brain wasn't even noticeable. and that's my fault. i didn't let her know, "hey mom, i'm having a panic attack so i can't talk to you." no. instead, i just let my brain think of the endless possibilities of what could happen, and slowly eat away at me. i was crying imaginary tears.

but why do i do it? why must i hold everything in until it's at the point of combustion? if i were to tell people how i actually feel, would it help? why can't i actually put my emotions first? why do i have such a need to help people that i can't help myself? why? questions that will most likely never be answered.

but, as always, i must push my problem away. keep it to myself, because that's what my family does. to show someone that you're feeling natural, human emotion is close to committing a felony. letting someone is nearly considered a sin.

off to another day of pretending.

personal post #1 - loneliness.

typically, i am a very outgoing and golden person. i love talking to people. absolutely adore it. i love finding out more about people's personalities and lives. i love having conversations and being involved in things.

but lately, i haven't felt that way.

i think it started at the table i sit at during lunch. prior to coming to the table for the first time, i only knew a handful of people already there. that was fine. i was decently close enough to them to hold amusing conversations. the dawning sense of isolation seemed to come quicker the more i observed the others.

it was fascinating. it was so interesting how somebody could be so supposedly kind to a person's face, just to talk negatively about them once they turn their back. the real curious part was the fact that every single person at this table did it. including myself. that's when i realized that i was being changed because i didn't want to feel lonely at a crowded table. i have rarely ever talked badly about someone, and don't enjoy the mental repercussions of it. discovering that i was doing it wasn't a pleasant revelation.

now, i'm not sure if people talk about me behind my back. but honestly, i would not be the least bit surprised. i have heard every single person say at least one bad thing about someone else. i don't care if people talk about me, because i know that i'm different.

i'm a chameleon that changes in the blink of an eye. you will miss the change. hairstyles, word choice, outfits, and mood. all of those and more change every single day, as it does with every human being, but i feel as if it's so much more drastic with me. only because i am the only one there that doesn't seem to stick to the previous looks or manners they had before.

some days i like to talk, but those are the days that get me down the most. i will say one word, and immediately get interrupted. the worst part is that i take it. i take it because i'm used to it already. yes, there are some people that listen to me, but it's mainly out of pity, because they see me getting ignored.

yet some days, i completely take myself out of the picture. i plug my earphones in and try to resist the temptation to getting ignored. it makes me seem as if i'm trying to get myself isolated, but those are the days that actually come out alright.

i'm not sure what to do about this, only because it's not just the table. if it were, i would just switch tables. but it's everything. in my classes i feel out of place. always the third wheel of best friends, with the exception of one class. my teachers seem to see me as a statistic in their years of teaching, rather than as an individual. my "friends" aren't noticing. none of them. i don't think they realize that i'm trying to not talk. trying to not get ignored. i'm not attempting to get their attention, though. but it shows just how cold it seems to be on the outside of your own relationships.

perhaps i will continue this post another time. another night. but as of right now, i can't. i feel blank and empty. that was the last of my emotions i could possibly use today, sadly. but maybe i will post again about this topic. who knows, maybe the lonelier people do make the better writers.

“But he wasn’t written for her and no matter how hard she tried she couldn’t rewrite the story.”

- C. H.

j. f. - the boy in first chair.

in the viola section, there are only four of us. although we are completely outnumbered by every other instrument, we compensate for it in skill and volume.

at the beginning of the year, i noticed our lack of members, and instantly knew that i just had to get close to these people. i have sat with all three of the other members and gotten to know them. we now have a group message, and text frequently.

but one individual caught my eye particularly. he was tall, and looked absolutely dashing in a suit (needed for our concerts). he had dark brown eyes, and his matching hue of hair formed gentle waves, like a lazy lake.

his hands were articulate in everything they did, whether it be placing fingers down on the neck of the instrument, or flipping a page. he was first chair, which wasn't surprising. he played loudly, and he played well.

now, his voice is truly unique. it had a different type of personality to it, contrary to his. it was raspy, brooding, almost. i loved it. i could hear him talk for hours. on our long phone conversations i couldn't get sick of it.

he has an insanely humorous way of words. nearly everything that comes out of his mouth could make you laugh. getting to know him is probably one of the best decisions i have made this school year.

from admiring him from the distance to asking him to the school's sadie's dance, we have definitely come a long way from being complete strangers.

but when the words, the damned words, fled from his mouth in a nearly frantic tone, the rose seemed to fling itself from her hand. if all this time he had loved her, how was he capable of committing a crime as terrible as what he already did?

Vittorio Matteo Corcos, Portrait der Contessa Nerina Pisani Volpi di Misurata detail, 1906

b. r. - the girl with the dyed hair.

a complicated female, is what she is. an intriguing person all around. in the best way.

instantly, the first thing to catch your eye when noticing her is the fact that her hair seems to always be a different color. different hues of sunset orange, ivy green, or electric blue. currently it's a mixture between a bubblegum pink and a pale orange. it's short, too.

her makeup is something worth noting as well. it's always different. sometimes it isn't even there. wings, shapes, colors that you couldn't guess.

but maybe that's it.

maybe the fact that she's always changing is what makes her so interesting. the fact that she never looks the same. the fact that you can stare at her and have lengthy conversations with her, but feel like you still only know a small fragment of her personality.

her surprises are something that catch you. how she suddenly lets something slip out of her mouth that you certainly wouldn't expect during a biology class. or something you definitely would. maybe, even, a collision of both.

although we may not be the closest, we are still close. she is an influence to me, in the style arena. her over-sized shirts and unique dresses make for an ever-changing sense of fashion.

her problems come out to me, and i'll gladly take them, so they can be away from her for at least a minute. too much goes on in her mind for a person to understand.

yet she's amazing. an always different, always interesting character.