Its been years since my last post......

Yet it feels like yesterday I was sitting here writing about my depression. My anger issues are still there. My depression is still there but very well hidden. I don't let any of my friends really see what i'm feeling. And the reason for that is to protect them from what is inevitable.

You see, part of my want to be able to live on my own. I see myself dying young. I see myself dying alone. Whether it be by my own hand or by some mysterious way. Regardless of how it happens, I do not see myself making it to 40. I didn't even see myself making it to 30 last year. Now im turning 31 this coming Monday. The month of august disgusts me because it reminds me of yet another year of being a failure. Another year of being in this worthless sack of skin and bones. And another year of feeling like i'm a burden to everyone around me. Everyone says I'm not but internally I feel like I am.

I feel empty every time im amongst my peers. I feel as though im just an empty spirit floating around. Where people say nice things yes, but I question their intentions when I am not around. Who's to say the person who says they love you isn't really trying to make you fall into a false pretense of something that could be bullshit? Who's to say what someone really thinks about you?

Now don't get me wrong. I care about the people I have in my life. But I can't fully trust anyone. I've been raped, I've been beaten, I've been abused mentally, physically, emotionally, etc. You name it its happened. No one really knows why my anger is the way it is except for a super small few. And even they don't know all of it still. Ive left parts out for my own protection. Whether it was drug related, Illegal as fuck, or just plain stupid. Im even ashamed to admit I once got shitfaced and and had a racial outburst which is definitely not at all who I am.

I don't feel like im the good person people think I am. In fact I'm ashamed of the person I am. I am ashamed of my up bringing, I am ashamed of the adult version of myself, And I am ashamed of anyone who thinks im this happy go lucky person. Because it makes me question if they have paid attention at all to what I really am.

Im starting to think this world would be better off without me. That maybe everyone should go on without me. Maybe this will be my very last post to the world. Who knows....

The fact of the matter is I am extremely unhappy. I am not well, I hate the person I am. And I have to somehow go out into the world every day pretending Its all ok.

And I will never fucking be ok.

Shared from my facebook page. This was my rant on bullshit caused by people I walked away from. I needed it off my chest

So I literally cannot sleep. And my minds been racing. I have some things I'd very much like to get off my chest. A few months ago. a so called "friend" and the trash she invited to live with us essentially ganged up on me in an attempt to ruin my life. I also lost one of my oldest "friends" because he became latched on to this disaster of a group. Since this has happened, not only have I had them evicted from my life. But my own mother and sister have since decided I'm not to be apart of the family, right before Christmas of all times. This was due in part because my sister decided to take the side of a trouble maker who tried to cause an issue with me while I was working. Since all of this has happened, I've had alot of time to think. And quite frankly I'm done. I refuse to let anyone walk all over me again. And if you try it, I promise you have another thing coming. I'm not anyones scapegoat. Nor am I a doormat. I'm sick and tired of pretending everything is fine when it's not. I also will not pretend to be nice to someone anymore when they dont deserve it. If that makes me a jerk then so be it. I'd rather be real then fake. At the end of the day, the truth will set you free.

From now on. If I have to deem you as toxic to my mental health and well being. You will be permanently removed from my life. No more looking back. I'm sick and tired of always being the one getting hurt. These last few months have truly been the final straw. I only want true and loving people in my life. That's all I ask for. And to be honest, I don't feel that's so much to ask for. And if I'm being too honest for you. That's just too bad.

I'm sorry to say that I lost myself for a very long time. And nows the time I stop, regroup, and reinvent myself. Far too long did I let people slide. I tried to see the good in people and all it did was hurt me. Thats not going to happen anymore.

And to my critics who might have issues with me posting this rant. It's not to cause trouble. I need this to be off my chest offically so I can grow from it. Its weighed very heavy on my heart for far too long. If you wish to speak more about this with me. Please feel free to call or private message me. I'll be happy to speak calmly about this.

To those who took the time to read this. Thank you for letting me get this off my chest. For maybe now I can finally put things to rest and get myself further on the path to where I need to go.

Idk what to do anymore

Im at the point where i feel truly empty and alone. Ive lost everyone ive cared about. Im going deeper into a hole i cant get out of. Im trembling with fear of the future. My heart is pounding. I feel as though ive ruined it all. And i want to die. I actually really want to die. I need a quick way out of this. And im beginning to feel everyone hates me. Im sorry i was ever born....

Fuck this shit.

Im officially done trying. I've decided that maybe just being alone in life is what my destiny is. Any chance I've ever had of finding love has fallen apart. I've tried to give trust in others and just can't seem to do it. I've been hurt so many fucking times that I feel like I wanna just give up on everything. My own family doesn't even want me around. My one and only friend who seems to really care I feel is secretly holding shit back from me. I try to smile. I try to be happy. And I just can't do it anymore. Im wondering if the world would be better without me. If everyone in my life would be glad i was gone....my own sister and brother hate me. My father has pretty much shown nothing but hatred twards me. And honestly im starting to feel my own mother has chosen everyone else over me. I feel empty. I feel like i don't belong here. Like i shouldn't exist. I will never even know what i did to deserve this. But im guessing that maybe im ment to die Young. That im just running from the enevitable. I don't feel like i should be alive at this point. I'll never succeed at anything. Im always just pushed down. Im over it. I want my soul to be free from the chains holding me down. From all the pain and suffering i deal with every day. I want to be free. I don't even deserve to live. I don't deserve love. And clearly i don't deserve companionship. Everyone thinks im using them. Which was never the case. But maybe my soul is really just a waste......

Depression fucking destroys you!

I feel as though nobody understands me. Every single day I have these terrible thoughts in my head. This all stems from abuse and harassment that I basically was brought up around. Between my abusive father who admitted he never wanted children and still wishes he never had any of us. And the bullying i got growing up not just from my peers but also my cunt of a sister. Its so hard for me to trust anyone. My cunt of a sister is still to this day A STUPID ASS BITCH!!! A lot of my anger stems from her. She hated me the moment I was born. She always told everyone that she hated me. Told me multiple times she hated me. Has told me she wished i would die. Physically abused me when i was little. Would allow her "friends" to verbally abuse me and make me feel unwanted and unloved. And all my life Ive continued to feel this way. And yet I'm supposed to let it go. Im supposed to be happy and ignore it. And im supposed to say im sorry to her and be happy. Fuck no. Fuck her. I wish she would disappear from my life all together. I wish she was never born. Id have rather been in a home as a child by myself the. Deal with her abuse. I don't even remember any happy times with her. I have no pictures of me and her together. Honestly i think we feel the same way about one another. She made me feel like i didn't deserve to live. She told me to kill myself quite a lot. Even when i was little. She always wished i would die. This i truly feel from the bottom of my heart is why I'm depressed.my family never loved me.....

Welcome to my life

This blog while still being worked on is going to basically be about my life, emotions, mental state. Basically all of the nitty gritty that goes on. Now that the intro is done. Lets get down to buisness...... Essentally I have sevear depression and anxiety. Im a complete lost cause at times. I always feel everyone hates me. I truly feel I can never do anything right. Ive been having horrible mood swings and honestly im not well. Every day I go through life feeling as though the world would be better without me. Often ive had dreams of suicide. Weather it be by a horrible accident, popping random pills, or even finding a gun. However as of late ive been having nightmares of my abusive ex boyfriend and the awful things he would do. Beat me, choke me, put me down mentally, leave me alone when all i wanted was attention and love after a hard week. I always felt inadequate to him. I was depressed before but he truly made me hate myself. So much so that i made a very risky suicide attempt after i caught him cheating. I sat down with a bottle of 100 proof whisky. Downing shot after shot. Praying it would eventually give me alcohol poisoning. I must have drank half the bottle before passing out. When i finally came to the next morning. Puking my brains out and praying for death. But for some reason this universe kept me here. With even more cruel torture then before. This wasnt the only example of pain.... For many years thought this group i was hanging around were my friends. i was so wrong. They also minus the physcial abuse did alot of mental shit to me. Made me feel like i was one of them and then fucked with me behind my back. Making fun of me being gay, my clothing, the fact i grew up underprivliaged. They tore me apart. Again several suicide attempts were made. until i graduated. Then more shit happened.... Needless to say we have alot of ground to cover.... And essentially im a complete basket case. More will come. Please stay tuned