@ofcanaryisms

too cute.

with all ray has been through in regards to love, barry not reciprocating his feelings is only a minor inconvenience. no pain could hurt worse than what he’d felt with anna. this is a bump in the road, nothing he can’t work through and get past. it felt good to let it out, if nothing else. “i’d take a hug,” he spoke quietly with a small laugh. it’s funny, how they both have the same concerns in regards to the other, not wanting things to become too weird or uncomfortable. how their friendship will hopefully be more important than something as silly as a one-sided crush. “i don’t want this to change anything, you know. we’re still friends. good friends, i hope.”

never has he felt so uncomfortable with his life choices. it’s not as if he can just magically make himself love ray because if he could, that’s exactly what he’d do. ray deserves to be happy and if barry could make him happy by doing that, he would. part of him aches to be loved, to be in a relationship - but the majority part of him knows that if he went into this relationship, it would be wrong, because he does’t feel that way about ray. it makes him feel guilty, incredibly so, because he wants ray to be happy and he’s coming to realise that barry might be his only chance at that happiness. “can I hug you, at least? or will that be weird? i don’t want this to be too weird for you,” he mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck gently. “thank you for being honest with me, i appreciate it.”

Ray offered a smile to the kid as he stood, wondering how he could possibly help Axel feel better. He wasn’t sure what had triggered the anxiety attack, or whatever had prompted him to break in here, but it wasn’t something he could ignore. If Axel needed to talk, this would be a safe space and Ray wouldn’t let their differences separate them.

“Is there anything else I can do for you right now? If you’re hungry, we can eat something first. Or even after, I guess. Whatever helps.”

Maybe that was his weakness. A desire to help, no matter the circumstances. Even here he was, willing to help someone he was meant to be at war with. He couldn’t watch someone suffer and maybe that would be his downfall. A need to help everyone, watch everyone survive but him. He had an instinctive need to risk his own life for everyone else’s, which time and time again proved he was just a stupid wannabe-hero. Something like this, like helping Axel now, wasn’t even dangerous. Lives weren’t in trouble that he knew of, but the kid was unhappy. No one deserved to be unhappy.

“A new Smart Watch?” Axel had been looking up at his outstretched hand in a manner that was kind of tentative and more than a little bit lost, but slowly, cautiously, he reached out and took it. He wrapped his small, slender hand tightly around Ray’s own, and tugged himself to his feet with a little bit of a bounce.  He seemed almost lured by the promise of helping in a workshop, lending his smarts to a project. He was smart; that was something few people saw about him, but it didn’t make it any less true. He was Axel Walker, the second Trickster, who had been trained by letter until he could make his own ‘toys’ in a back room after school or a shed down his foster carer’s garden. Now as an adult, he had a shared work-room with Hartley in the Rogue safehouses, and it was probably where he felt safest, and happiest, in the whole world.

“I’d like to help. Working…it helps.” He was still trembling, the fear running through his body like a current of electricity, but he was already looking better than he had been. 

Sucking in a breath as Mick started to move, Ray felt his heart speed, grip on the man’s hand tightening as though he was afraid of letting go. Part of him was. Part of him wondered if all this would stop being real if he did. Nearly bolting out of the chair, he found himself on his feet, free hand pressed against Mick’s shoulder as if to say stay down. There was no need to over-exert himself, after all. They probably both needed to rest.

"I remember, too.”

He wasn’t sure how they could have forgotten. All those lives, all that love, meant nothing to him until now. If the universe wanted them to be together, why all the games? There was nothing he could do to control his memories coming back, but he still felt guilty they hadn’t sooner. He felt guilty for loving other people when the one person he needed was right there all along. Sure, they hadn’t known each other when he’d been with Anna, but... he should have known.

“I was so scared I lost you back there.”

They should be used to the close calls. To an extent, he was, but that didn’t make it any easier. “I just got you back, Mick. I’m not... ready for you to leave me.” This, their relationship, their past, was something they’d need to talk about, but he was content just to let themselves be for a minute. To play catch up on too many lives to remember. “I don’t... want this to end like it always does.”

A bed underneath him, smelling like hospital wash-powder and bleach, sterility that was either loved or loathed, depending on the person. Mick loathed it. It reminded him of weeks lying near-death with half of his skin burned off of his shoulders and chest. This time, the wounds weren’t anywhere near as scarring, but he was still in significant pain when he finally started to lift out of the anaesthesia-instilled sleep.

Tired eyes fluttered open, and a hand squeezed Ray’s own. “Ray.” No more than a whisper, the scientist’s name passed his lips. Trembling, he tried to make his resisting body sit up, and failing in that bold endeavour, he fixed Ray with bright worried eyes, even hazy as they were still with sleep. “I– I remember.” His dreams had been a rush of memories, of nightmares. Dreams of a past where he had lived and loved and lived again, over and over and over.

Only this time, for the first ever time, had he succeeded in beating the odds. Neither of them had died. They had a chance to truly get to know each other, to spend time together. Maybe, even, they would grow old.

That had never happened to them before.

“I remember everything.”

Ray knew going into this that Len had said he wouldn’t be great at all this, and he’d thought it would be easier to accept that than this. It wasn’t supposed to be this much of a struggle, but it is. Maybe all this is even in his head, a hallucination because he’s in love, god bless his poor heart, and he doesn’t want to keep going on his own. Leaning back against Leonard’s chest, he lets himself just breathe for a moment, as if breathing will somehow magically make everything better again. Make it all normal, like none of this happened. He doesn’t want to finally get home just to live with this guilt boiling him from the inside out.

His hand moves to find Len’s just for the comfort of it all. “You’re always that reckless, aren’t you? Even once we go home, you’ll still be...” A criminal. A danger to himself and society. Struggling to do the right thing. “We haven’t talked about what happens then, after going back. Do you still... I mean, are you still gonna... want me?”

He hates this silence between them, doesn’t like to see the look in Ray’s face, this look of fear and disbelief seems out of place and Len wants to wipe it away but he isn’t sure how, he had told him when they first started this that he wasn’t sure how to be a good boyfriend and he hadn’t been lying, hadn’t been trying to scare the other man away. Was just being honest. But he wanted to be good, wanted to know how to comfort Ray with words and touches and soft looks.  “ I didn’t mean to scare you. “ It’s just…odd, very odd, for him to realize that mean those words. Normally scaring people was part of the gig.

Moving so that he was seated on the bed behind Ray he wrapped an arm around the younger man’s waist and pulled him back against Len’s chest. This is new too, the craving of physical contact the desire to bring comfort to another human being was so strong he was almost scared. “ Fuck destiny. “

It was a surprise, Ray falling for Leonard Snart, of all people. Opposites really do attract, apparently. “No, you’re right. There’s not a point in apologizing for how I feel. But I am sorry for whatever... complications arise as a result. I don’t want this to make the mission harder for you.” The chances any of them could back out and go home at this point were... nonexistent. “Ever since we left with Rip, I’ve... seen a side to you that the world doesn’t know even exists. You’re not as transparent as I thought, and I guess I’m sorry for assuming you were... heartless. I don’t really know where to go from here. What do we do?”

Leonard shook his head, refusing to accept Ray’s apology. After all, it wasn’t as if the man had done anything wrong (though he was hardly the one to judge on right and wrong). In any case, he wasn’t angry - not in the slightest. “Don’t. There’s no use in apologizing for how you feel.” A small but sincere smile formed on his lips. “Nor did I. I suppose we all changed in one way or another. Why you fell for me out of all people, now that is the biggest surprise of all,” he added not entirely seriously. He was confident enough about his looks and he knew he could be charming if he wanted to, but he’d never actually put in any effort when it came to Ray. In fact, he thought he’d unintentionally done pretty much everything to make the man dislike him with the endless snarky remarks.

The realization that she didn’t really like Kara at all hit and he frowned, awkwardly shoving both hands in his pockets. Lips pursed, he paused. “Only when it comes to sarcasm, apparently. I’m sorry for misunderstanding. If you... have anything you need to talk about, now or later... I can give you my card, if you want?”

Siobhan paused. She’d thought that maybe he just had a very strange sense of humour, but it was getting more clear that he wasn’t very well versed in sarcasm. “Are you seriously this idiotic?” An eyebrow raised, she crossed her arms over her chest.“Siobhan Smythe.”

“What, am I supposed to sit by and just watch innocent people get hurt? I didn’t realize heroes were only heroes when requested.”

“Despite the fact that your every effort seems only to worsen the situation.”

“i’m sorry i’m not a hardened criminal like ʏᴏᴜ & ᴍɪᴄᴋ are. i try not to be heartless. maybe the problem isn’t me not standing up for myself enough, but you not caring about anything but ʏᴏᴜʀsᴇʟғ.”

❛ that’s  the  point  i’m  tryin’  to  get  across.  ——— look  raymond,                   i  have  respect  for  ya  standin’  up  for  yourself.  ya  ain’t  gotta                   apologise  for  that.  ❜

There was a brief smirk. “One of us has to.” It was important for them to stick together, to be a team. He wasn’t going to give up on that just because Mick was a little stubborn and refused to accept that they were stuck with each other.

“You’re really enjoying that, aren’t you?” Not that he minded. Amusement colored his tone as relaxed and offered an actual honest smile and settled in his chair sure comfortable and content to stay where he was. 

Sighing, Ray followed her with his hands in his pockets, but he honestly wasn’t concerned about icing the bruise. He’d had worse injuries in the past, but he still appreciated her thoughtfulness in this situation.

“You know that gala I took Lizzie to the other night?” A pause occupied his speech. “Well, we started arguing and one thing led to another and I just... I kissed her. Or, she kissed me. I’m not really sure, it could have been both. Winn... wasn’t very excited about it, which I get. I have a little brother.”

<Wait what!?> Kara questions in surprise, eyes widening and  language slipping into her native tongue (It happened more easily these days, their practicing making it come back to the forefront of her mind.) 

Now she could understand why Winn had punched him, though she held no judgements if Ray and Lizzie truly cared about each other. “We need to put some ice on your face.” And so Kara goes to the sink and wets a washcloth before using her freeze breath to freeze it.

They weren’t necessarily good friends, and Ray would argue Len wouldn’t call them friends at all, but they were close enough for Ray to know that this would be difficult. Neither was quite the other’s type, but it was for a good cause and it would make Lisa happy. Convincing himself this was his good deed for the week was the only way to go through with it.

Normally, he wouldn’t be one to lie about having feelings for someone. This, at least, was mutual lying. An agreed upon non-relationship. No strings attached. “I’m serious about this,” he confirmed without really thinking, sure that if he really thought about it, then he’d convince himself not to do it. Funny how that works.

Somehow it felt like a betrayal of Stephen’s trust, to be here talking about faking an engagement to Leonard, to hear the man say Lisa would like Ray more anyway. He hadn’t hated Stephen, but... was this way for the better? “Whatever you need me to do, I’m listening. Until this is over, any time I’m not working I’m yours. She’ll never know, won’t need to. We can pull it off.”

This was an absolutely horrible idea. There was no other way to put it. The wrong move and she would know what was up. Len knew that he could keep up the act, he was very good at playing various parts. The only question is, could he? Could he fool her into thinking they were a couple?

But Len also had to consider, it would make Lisa happy. And at least it would keep her off his back about never meeting anyone he dates. That is if they could pull this off. If they couldn’t he’d never hear the end of it from her. It would be a risk he was willing to take. He sighed, knowing what he would have to do.

“If you’re really serious about this, then that means we’d need to get our facts straight.” He’d have to tell him everything that he’d told Lisa about Stephen, which honestly wasn’t that much. “You’re in luck though because I think she would like you more than she’d like him.” It wasn’t necessarily a lie, he might have loved Stephen but he wasn’t sure his sister would have approved of him. Ray on the other hand, was different.  

because @viindicat answered [ x ]

     “good. the universe was wrong, malcolm. i’m not your soulmate. and i’m done ᴘʀᴇᴛᴇɴᴅɪɴɢ to be.”

There it was — the million dollar question. Why did Ray even have to tell Cisco? It could have been a secret, buried in the backs of their minds and hearts, no longer a part of them. And yet he couldn’t manage; Ray couldn’t look Cisco in the eye, say he loved the other man, and having that past looming over him in the shadows. Sometimes loving someone involved making hard decisions.

“I can’t lie to you, Cisco.” His eyes bore holes into the ground beneath them. “I don’t know if you will be okay. I can’t make you okay, and I know I can’t... fix this, either. I don’t know what I can do. I’ll — if you want me to, I’ll leave and... we can talk later. Give you some time to... think.” Ray had certainly had plenty. Too much, maybe. Getting out of his head was the new problem. 

He wanted Ray to earn his trust back. He wanted to trust him, to pretend that this just never happened. It would be so easy to just ignore it and act like everything was still the same–or at least he wanted it to be easy. He knew that he would never be able to forget this, no matter how much he wanted to. It was going to stick with him forever. 

He forced himself to look away again, hiding his face in his hands. He couldn’t deal with this anymore. “Why did you have to tell me?” His voice was soft, barely above a whisper. He didn’t even mean to say it out loud, but now that it was out in the open he couldn’t stop thinking about it. “I can’t–how am I supposed to move on from something like this and be okay?” Why did he have to tell him?

Something about the situation felt intriguing and Ray couldn’t help but be curious about the pirate’s motives, not that it would make him feel sorry for the man in any way, but the curiosity was there. Truth be told, he wanted to cooperate for no other reason than he knew he couldn’t get out of this otherwise. Even in the off-chance he acquired a blade, there was an entire crew to cut through. Playing their charade was both the easiest and safest way out. To an extent, Ray wasn’t against that. He almost felt at ease talking to the captain, despite knowing he needed to be alert and defensive. His guard had fallen without his permission, and he wanted to go and talk and eat.

Maybe it’d help him feel less like a prisoner and more like a person. Or, perhaps, maybe he simply needed the camaraderie seemingly being offered. Granted, it wasn’t the most elegant dinner invitation in the world, but it was still food and he was starving. He wouldn’t survive this ordeal if he acted too proud to eat with the other man.

“Have we met before?”

The question came out via blurt, neglecting the captain’s prior question. There was no doubt they would talk terms, or whatever needed to be said. That much would happen regardless of what Ray said. Right now, solving this mystery was more important. He needed to know more about the man with eyes more beautiful than an ocean, who shined despite the filth covering him. 

“Something about you seems... familiar.”

Mick hadn’t been looking to take a captive, not at first. It wasn’t something he truly enjoyed, as Captain of this ship of miscreants running from the English law, but occasionally it suited his purposes. Sometimes ransom money was the easiest kind of money, and the biggest kind of loot. That was if the rich parents paid out, which they didn’t always. It was always a throw of the dice, whether they’d pay or whether they’d prepared an ambush that he’d have to fight to escape in order to avoid being taken to Port Royal or Kingston and hanged for piracy before a baying mob. He’d always been lucky so far, in that regard, but every pirate captain knew, in these waters, that there was no telling when your luck would finally run out.

Yet luck must have favoured him today, been shining upon him like the sun; for it was him, and he knew it was. He remembered. He remembered the previous lifetimes. The friendship, and then the love, the promises, the passion, the loss. He remembered, and that was what had made him order his crew to bring the young man aboard.

Seeing him again was both a sweetness and a suffering; honey upon the lips and a knife to the gut.

“Aye,” he told him, “you don’t have a choice. An’ that ain’t the most wondrous lead-up to askin’ you to dinner, but I’m gonna ask you anyway. There’s food in my cabin, aye. Join me for a meal, and we can talk terms?” And more besides, but he couldn’t step in too soon with that. So far, no trust ran like a cord between them. He would need to wait.

He didn’t understand, couldn’t even begin to. This was their life. Their life. Without her, he didn’t know what he’d do. He couldn’t protect her if they weren’t together, and spending the next thirteen months with her but not with her sounded... exhausting, depressing, dreadful. He could go on and on and never come up with a positive word to describe life post-breakup. But if she needed to be apart, there was no other option. Ray would sacrifice his happiness for hers every time, would accept the burden of misery in hopes she could shake her own off. To him, that was the very essence of loving someone: putting them first under any circumstances. Caring for them before thinking of your own comfort. He could do that for her, would do that for her. And this mission, whatever happened, he would try and be ok. Swallowing hard, he looked away. As much as he wanted to promise he’d wait, he couldn’t. He’d love her the rest of their lives, however long that ended up being, and he would still want to marry her in a year. In two years. Lifetimes from now. But if waiting left him hurting how he hurt now, it wasn’t an option. This wasn’t something he could go through again. “Let’s just get through this mission and get home.”

She now had the feeling of dizziness take over as she heard him speak. How easy it was for him to just give into her request. Her heart was now completely shattered, sprinkled onto the ground and stepped on as if it wasn’t bad enough already. Taking a few short breaths she nodded her heed softly. Happy, she needed to be happy. What even was happy with out him? Without her light? With out the one thing in the world that actually made sense to her and helped her smile. The one thing that made her remember she was human. This was worse than Nyssa, and Oliver. God this one hurt her so much because this time she knew for a fact it was all on her. For a stupid mission, all of this drama so they could go on the simulation and it kept running in her mind if it was worth it. Although she knew being Emily instead of Sara the other Doctor they had lined up would make her worry and slightly jealous knowing she wasn’t there. For the pure fact she saw them as prettier, and smarter, she trusted Ray yes but there were a,ways doubts even in the strongest relationships hat beat all other odds like theirs. Sara didn’t think she was good enough and when he came back after 400 days he would drop her for the other. “I-I, this will, it will all make sense soon.” She murmured and closed her eyes not wanting to look at him. She wanted to ask for one last hug to inhale one more time and feel like she was safe but his arm cross made her know it was a stupid, stupid idea and request. “Please just wait for me. Until the mission is done.” It was a last plea of hope for her. Hope he would listen once she was able to explain after the 400 days. That he would never stop loving her, that maybe they could still get married like she wanted. Because frankly all Sara wanted was to marry him and be happy for once in Her life.

eyes looked over to the folder tossed on the table before slowly raising to look at the other man, fingers folding together as he tried to sit up a little straighter. to gather his resolve and not look quite so pathetic. this was his doing and he couldn’t run from it. they had both had a lot to drink, and it was his ғᴀᴜʟᴛ. ( although, he wasn’t the first man to fall for oliver queen’s good looks and he certainly wouldn’t be the last either. ) everything in him had to work together to keep his head up, focus on oliver. it was a struggle, trying to accept what he’d done. what they’d done.

“i... promise i’m not usually one to sleep with my boss.” in fact, under normal circumstances, it’s nothing that would be remotely near his wheelhouse. sleeping around, in general, isn’t a frequently recurring theme in his life, usually to ensure he can avoid awkward situations like this. “last night, i was just so — worried about starting here and i didn’t want to mess it up, or start off on the wrong foot...” a moment of silence added to the awkward air he was already providing. “——which, i clearly only made worse than it... would have been.” nothing in life could be made easy, apparently. another sigh let him lean back in the chair, shoulders slumped and demeanor generally regretful. was this the part where he got fired or sent home or demoted to a janitor or something?

a nervous foot tapped naturally against the ground. “—is this the part where i’m asked to leave? i didn’t mean to... complicate things. i really do want to work here with you. not with you, but with... your company, as a — i would — this job is — i just keep making this worse, don’t i?”

so he obviously did recognise him, obviously not as hunger over as oliver gave him credit for. or, at least, the shock of realising that last night’s hook up was your new boss was doing new wonders for keeping him awake. at the very least he was certainly shocked, oliver still hadn’t quite come to terms and he had spent the morning worrying it over in his mind. although confidence was one thing that oliver queen wasn’t lacking in he didn’t exactly like the idea of disguising ——what had happened last night with his new employee  ( that he had certainly slept with last night and from what he could remember had enjoyed himself too ) 

he couldn’t stop his eyebrow raising at the compliment that was obviously not said on purpose. the words of a rambling, panicking man, and it took most of oliver’s self control not to smirk ———recalling how he had smirked last night and where exactly that had taken them. for a beat, oliver said nothing then he did. trying to put the man at ease, he didn’t exactly respond like someone who had slept with the boss to get ahead.  “ i feel about as rough as you look. I just have the practice of hiding it better, someone brought me a number of drinks. ”  as much as he didn’t want to talk about it, he couldn’t stop himself from mentioning it again, a smile on the corners of his lips, a good natured one. it was obviously a mistake  ( one that he should probably regret more than he did ) 

offering his hand out to Ray before sitting down at the conference table, oliver dropped the file he was holding onto the top in front of him.  “ i understand that this isn’t……exactly….professional, despite my reputation I don’t ACTUALLY make a habit of sleeping with my employees. ”