Done with Detox

Well, it happened. ...A lot happened, actually.  I’m done with detoxing. I no longer have the urge to shove a needle in my arm. I no longer have the urge to fly back to Georgia and be with the man who is the reason I even loved that drug in the first place. And that’s the thing.. I didn’t love him, I loved that drug.  I loved how we were when we were fucked up. I loved that I could feel everything and nothing at the same time.  I loved the feeling the drug gave me, not the feeling he gave me..  I had it in my head that I would move up here, make a fairy tail out of a horror story and live happily ever after. 

Sike. 

Once I got off the drug and away from him, I saw the world for what it really is, right in front of me. And that, my darlings, is beautiful.  I finally saw a beautiful world.. without him or the drug in it.  Those two things made my world so ugly and so depressing... ...They also made me blind to where I couldn’t see that.. 

But now that I can see the world for what is, I’ve found true happiness.  Not in a drug, object, person, or anything other than MYSELF. True, self happiness is one of the greatest things you can ever accomplish in this lifetime.  After I found that, everything I ever thought happiness was in, started to fall in my hands.. Once I became happy with myself and all my worth, all the “extra” happiness surrounded me. 

I went from face-timing my daughter goodnight, getting fucked up for weeks at a time, falsely falling in love with the wrong person... To now tucking my daughter in every night, and laying down next to the man that is beyond what I deserve.

I couldn’t be happier. <3  

To the love we never found.

t's never easy to accept a lost love. When you truly loved and cared for this person and knew that the possibility of being something beautiful was right at your fingertips and right when you think you have a grip on it, ..It starts to slip away.

Laughing turns into fighting. Loving turns into silence. Comfort turns to tention. -- Days become struggles until you're just too tired and so exhausted you just give up.

You tried and tried and tried.. but for some reason, no matter how beautiful it easily could have been, .. It just wasn't. How could something so gentle and beautiful be the thing that mentally breaks you apart and physically wears you down? The days you are meant to spent loving eachother are now spent in an unwanted silence.

But it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, right?

After so many times of losing, you just want to finally win.

All I can do is pick up the pieces and hod them close until they stick back together. There will always be a piece that belongs to you. I'll still hold it close and remember the love that we shared.. The love that we lost.. And the love that was never found

Keep Swimming

You know things are starting to get better when you can wake up and you’re happy that you did.. That’s how you know. 

Thank God for Window Units

I was about to die. 

Being in the heat while detoxong is not the best way to make it easier. If you know anything about New England, you know that central heating and air is not a thing, window units are your source of cool air when it gets a little heated up north. And lucky for me, there was one tucked away in the closet, and I am now sitting with 64 degree air blowing right at me. I could fall asleep if I wasn’t in an office type chair. 

I want to go to the beach.

xoxoxo

“I’ll go wherever you will go.” Day 1-6

I knew I never should have gotten on that plane. I’m miserable. It’s hot as shit, I can’t seem to get comfortable, I’m always hungry, and all I really think of is having my little munchkin with me again, and being able to lay next to him at night.. The fact that I am detoxing and also really really wanting to be fucked slap up right now is a different story.. I really just want to talk to him, but I know he’s sleeping, because just his voice helps the detox not be so bad. Even though I know for a fact he’s fucked up. 

Anyways, I moved from Georgia to Westerly, Rhode Island, kinda suddenly.. Like only a two days notice sudden. I left behind my four year old daughter (Not by choice, my mom is letting me get stable,) and the man I plan to marry, even if the whole word disagrees. Theres not really too many people that like us being together, but we don’t care. Sure, we tend to create huge messes when we are with eachother, but we see past that.. we see the real love that is there, we feel the conection that no one else can feel.. Its ours to feel. Plus, we fuck really good together, and it’d just be a shame not to.

I’m not totally alone though. I moved in with my two brothers. One biological, the other basically blood, over 17 years of friendship. But its still a little crazy being on the other side of the east coast out of no where, expecting to make a life, I don’t even have a dollar to my name. I have nothing.. except a plan. That, I do have. A plan to get a job, bust my ass making money to get a small apartment and build a foundation for a life to bring my babies up here to be with me. But right now, I just want to get on the next plane home and get in his bed and snuggle up to him and kiss him over and over, get really fucked up and then have sex all night. Then wake up and make breakfast with my munchkin and have a family day by the pond and chase the baby ducks. 

But that’s not going to happen. 

Its only when I’m at the apartment and its all hot and uncomfortable that I wanna go home. When I’m out and about, at the park or mostly at the beach.. wherver the wind can be in my hair, the kind of wind that literally makes your hair softer.. The wind that carries the sweet smell of fresh cut grass and brand new.. That’s when I remember why I want to stay. Why I want to bring my babies up here and not go back to that awful state of Georgia. There is so much to see and so much to explore.. Everything is so much nicer, so much more pleaseant.. So far I’ve been to Taylor Swifts house twice. 

This first week hasn’t been easy. I’ve felt like total shit and saw some of the most beautiful things I will ever see. I miss him more than I ever though possible. I want to lay in my favorite spot. I want my daughter to be there when I wake up, to take care of and be a mom again.. 

I just want to not feel like shit and get detox over with. 

xoxoxoxo Brookie.