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the signs being dicks
aries: becomes a bully; yells and snaps at people, is blatantly self interested and inconsiderate, says crazy insensitive, shocking things. they have two simple goals: get what they want, and raise a ruckus while doing it.
taurus: becomes stubborn, petulant, and grabby. they’re literally the “i want to speak to the manager” soccer mom. pushes others out of the way to get what they want, or pouts, complains, and grouses about the situation until it goes their way.
gemini: is impulsive, sharp-tongued, and completely unapologetic. they don’t care about being right or even having the upper hand, they just need to say their piece. even if it completely tears you apart. they don’t give a shit.
cancer: is lost in their own problems and pushes others to the side. they’ll try to convince you that they are the most important, and no matter what you do it will never be good enough for them. and they’ll never give you the same consideration or go to lengths to please you.
leo: becomes narcissistic, stubborn, loud, and pompous. every argument you have will go in one ear and out the other. they are completely convinced that they are always right, always the best at handling situations. everything is your fault, nothing is theirs.
virgo: becomes silent, then critical. they will be patronizing, argumentative, subtly trying to tear apart your authority and credibility. they will make you look stupid, careless, unkind, selfish, etc. in order to raise themselves up.
libra: is vain, selfish, and self-unaware; they are a wolf in sheep’s clothing, hiding behind a fair, sweet facade to make themselves look like pretty, popular angels in comparison to you, an ugly, unlikable troll.
scorpio: becomes vengeful, bossy, and blunt; everything they don’t like about you, they’ll point it out in the worst way possible. they push you to do things you don’t want to, try to manipulate you and keep tabs on you. they’ll make you feel terrible for being who you are.
sagittarius: is dismissive, insensitive, and dogmatic to the extreme. their head is shoved so far up their ass there’s no chance of them every seeing the light of day. they’re rude, crude, and totally convinced that they’re some kind of beacon of morality, and you are just a mere sinful mortal.
capricorn: they become scarily volatile and lash out at you for the smallest things. you won’t even know what you did wrong, but it must have been bad, because you’ve never seen them like this, spitting piss and vinegar and looking at you with anger and disgust.
aquarius: they become self absorbed, stubborn, and full of themselves. they pride themselves on being an individual to the extent that they see themselves as the very best at being a person. to them, you are boring, stupid, and basic, and you should try to be more like them.
pisces: makes excuses for their behavior or refuses to confronts it at all, lies and plays the victim card to get out of hot water. they can be unbelievably cruel and hurtful, but never see themselves as cruel and hurtful people. they are a martyr in their eyes.
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What the signs don't want to hear you say
Aries: Nobodys going to love you with how you are.
Taurus: You’re a horrible person.
Gemini: you’re so annoying.
Cancer: you’re not worth it.
Leo: You’re not special, you’re replaceable.
Virgo: You’re such a let down.
Libra: I never want to see you again.
Scorpio: I don’t love you.
Sagittarius: There’s nothing to you, you can’t even show your emotions.
Capricorn: I don’t need you anymore.
Aquarius: We were never friends.
Pisces: Get in touch with reality, you’re never going to make it.
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things to normalise
- gay parents
- female masturbation
- guys showing emotion
- they/them pronouns
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How To Get A Job Fast As Hell
@owenabbott
Apply to a job, wait (1) day, then call. Give them your first and last name. Tell them you submitted an application and that you’re very motivated to find [Enter field name] work. Let the conversation lead you wherever it takes. Be very polite. Say” thank you for your time, I’ll be looking forward to hearing back from you.” Rinse, repeat. This is to force them to be looking out for your application.
When you get to the interview, shake their hand firmly, tell them your first and last name.
Describe your experiences as “ two years transcription and data entry” if you have a desk job interview and “ [however many years] costumer service, retail and stock” for your retail jobs.
Don’t use job “ buzz words” I stg they hear them all day. Say things like, “ I’m detail oriented and am very good at taking instruction.” “ I would like to work for a company with integrity and I feel that [ company name] would be a good fit”
When they ask you if you have “reliable transportation” say YES. don’t tell them what kind of transportation, just say yes. (if you don’t do this, you wont get the job , I’m telling you right now).
Research the company. Know what they do, why they do it, how OLD the company is. WHERE it was founded, and what kind of position you’re intending to apply for.
When they ask you “ give us a situation where you had to blah blah blah” Make one the fuck up. Make yourself sound good as hell, and like you put your company’s needs slightly above the customer’s needs, but make the customer happy.
If they ask you about being outgoing, Say you “like to focus on your work so you can concentrate on doing things right” (which buys you out of having to act friendly all the time)
Questions for after the interview:
1. Does this position offer upward mobility?
2. Do you enjoy working for the company? (if you’re not interviewing for a temp agency who will send you anywhere)
Then, shake their hand, Ask them to repeat their name (REMEMBER THIS) say thank you for your time, wish them a nice day and leave. write their name down outside if you have to, just remember the fuck out of it.
AFTER your interview, send a card directed to the name of the person who interviewed you (I’ll give you them) that says “Thank you for the interview, I appreciate the opportunity. have a great day” This shows that you have an understanding of professionalism, and will have them thinking of you kindly (or at least remembering you) when they’re shuffling through the choices.
DO NOT tell them you just moved to the city over the phone. In person, tell them you just moved to the city. Make it sound like the only reason you need a job is because you moved. Not because you’re desperate.
__________
The titles of each section are key words you can use to search for jobs on Snagajob.com and Simplyhired.
Data Entry:
http://citystaffing.com/job/data-entry-specialistsmailroom-clerk/?utm_source=Indeed&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=Indeed
https://www.roberthalf.com/officeteam/job-search/chicago-il/data-entry-clerks-needed/43517752?codes=IND
http://www.simplyhired.com/job/data-entry-specialists-job/chicago-transit-authority/jepfivkhjk?cid=udsowkxtausyzitcfeecaeuzoxkltmbl
https://jobs-theprivatebank.icims.com/jobs/3435/temporary—data-entry/job?mode=job&iis=SimplyHired&iisn=SimplyHired&utm_source=simplyhired&utm_medium=jobclick&mobile=false&width=792&height=500&bga=true&needsRedirect=false&jan1offset=-360&jun1offset=-300
Front Desk:
http://localjobs.joblur.com/jobapplication2/?jobid=99957&subaffid=300006&JobType=Food%20/%20Bev%20/%20Hosp&ix=1&c1=99957
https://jobs.ajg.com/job/-/-/109/1256110?apstr=%26src%3DJB-10280
https://pepper.hiretouch.com/job-search/job-details?jobID=32066&job=receptionist
http://accesscommunityhealth.hodesiq.com/jobs/default.aspx?JobID=5203566 (this one is close to the place you rented.)
http://ihg.taleo.net/careersection/all/jobdetail.ftl?job=R113601&lang=en&media_id=24863&src=Indeed&src=JB-10920
https://covalentcareers.com/employer/listing/86450f8517588197c9b04f5068ed4300/detail/?apply=1&ref=indeed&v=30&utm_source=indeed&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=indeed_optical
http://www.careerbuilder.com/jobseeker/jobs/jobdetails.aspx?APath=2.21.0.0.0&job_did=JHN0KY6823WBWZX21VM&showNewJDP=yes&IPath=JRKV0F
http://www.simplyhired.com/job/front-desk-receptionist-customer-service-sales-job/rosin-optical-co-inc/qaeoquzgdi?cid=ivdnhijkmxchdanahwfoupazcwisfnxt
http://www.simplyhired.com/job/receptionist-front-desk-job/all-us-jobs/fonj7wmldf?cid=trhyvmfcsgjltxkjxkemyinsjveewfjp
Other jobs you don’t need a degree for that aren’t retail:
Dental hygenist ( yeah, seriously, who knew!) They also make about 40,000 a year)
Stenographer-Court Reporter
Surveyer ( you need a certificate for this, but its something you can get while working a temporary job and doing this on the side. Also, they make like $55,000 a year sooooooo) https://sjobs.brassring.com/TGWEbHost/jobdetails.aspx?jobId=1406428&PartnerId=16023&SiteId=5118&codes=IND
Real Estate Broker
Purchasing agents, except wholesale, retail, and farm products ( basically you arrange to buy large things) they make like 60K
Claims adjuster
Loan Officer
Subway driver (trains) they make like 60K,
Duct Cleaner: http://jobview.monster.com/Duct-Cleaners-950-00-Weekly-Entry-Level-Flexible-Hours-Call-to-Apply-Job-Chicago-IL-US-161970321.aspx?intcid=re
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Stop fucking calling yourself “mami” and “papi” when you’re not Latinx/Hispanic, it’s ugly as hell and you’re using a beautiful, vibrant culture to sexualize yourself.
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I want another dog
I want you in every way possible, imaginable. I want your sleep hair. I want your sweaty jog body. I want your morning breath kisses. I want your just got home from work tired eyes. I want adventures with your hand in mine along the way. I want 12am munchie runs with you in Calvin’s and oversized tees. I want Netflix lazy ass cuddle Sundays. I want cooking in our underwear and just that. I want teaching how to cook lessons turn into mini food fights with you. I want your moody I don’t give a fuck about anything days. I want your uncontrollable horny days. I want movie dates that turn into making out because you’re my “it only happens in movies” fairytale. I want your goodnight kisses. I want your happy kisses. Excited kisses. Shy kisses. I want your sad tears so I can wipe them away with my fingertips against your soft skin. I want your happy tears so I can cry with you as I pull you in closer to me. I want you’re leave me alone days so I can only want you more and assure you everything is alright, that you’re with me and I got you. I want to kiss you like the first time every time. I want your sleepy voice mumbles at 4am. I want your 5min corky laugh at the stupidest things only we would think of. I want your eyes locked in a way where I know how to respond and swipe you off your feet. I want your sick days where I look after my still just as beautiful woman, giving you tea, soup, medicine. I want your sick kisses so I can kiss you back with the cure to make you better. I want you in 10 years. I want you at 76. I want you at 106. I want just shut the fuck up and kiss me arguments. I want walk away disagreements turning into pulling, turning you around to kiss you shutting you up. I want I’m not sleeping until you go to sleep smiling nights. I want your 2am I can’t sleep pull me closer to you nights. I want to walk with you right behind me so I can guide you through the world in my view. I want to spoil you at random moments with flowers to show my appreciation and devotion towards you. All. I want all with you. I want you more than I have ever wanted anything else.
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how fucked up would it be if you jumped in a ball pit and it was just tomatoes painted different colors
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