onelesstomylast - Tumblr blog

onelesstomylast · 5 years

Text

There is only one "love" that can complete me. Only one "love" that remotely comes close to the devotion that I needed.

Lady Death

0 notes

onelesstomylast · 5 years

Text

I want to commune with nature and animals as the main focus and purpose of my life.

I want to eschew nearly all human companionship because I find it to be almost entirely valueless to my mental and emotional wellbeing .

I want to have as much control as possible of my interaction with other people.

I want to live alone.

I want to decide when and if I spend time with another person.

I want solitude primarily, with occasional socialization on my terms and in MY time frame.

...

I tried to be different than that. I thought that maybe I should, at the very least, devote my time and energy to another person.

I fell in love with her and thought that I needed to be there for her and be devoted to her.

I was wrong.

I(t) wasn't enough for her and she(it) wasn't enough for me.

We did not 'complete' one another.

I'm sure there are lessons for me to learn from that experience; lessons that I haven't been able to grok yet. But the one thing that I have come to realize is that I cannot "authentically" be who I am while giving up the core of my "authentic self" - which is the solitude of the trail/the forest/the mountains and the autonomy of living alone with animal companions.

I understand now that I have two choices.

There will never be enough happiness or peace or contentment for me in the current paradigm of my life.

It is impossible in this current situation without financial abundance. The only way to find said happiness/peace/contentment is to move back to Washington and start my life over.

To begin again.

Which also poses so many problems and difficulties.

Starting over at 47 years old?!?!?

I don't want to start over entirely from scratch at the age of 47!!

That's the first choice.

At this very moment all I want is to go back to the States (to WASHINGTON STATE!)...spend some time with my sister and nephews, my brother, and some old friends/relatives and then I want to hike out into the Olympics and die.

That's the second choice.

And that's what I want.

0 notes

onelesstomylast · 5 years

Photo

that is called strength

2K notes · View notes

onelesstomylast · 5 years

Text

0 notes

onelesstomylast · 5 years

Text

My head is imploding.

I want to die.

#suicideistheonlysolution

0 notes

onelesstomylast · 5 years

Text

A truly broken relationship is like a broken piece of glass.

Sometimes it's better to leave it broken than to hurt yourself trying to put it back together.

0 notes

onelesstomylast · 5 years

Text

Authentically Me

I also have a passion that's ingrained in me since youth.

The forests and the mountains of the Pacific Northwest

You speak of authenticity, and insist that being "authentically yourself" is what you absolutely have to do.

Violin and music and performance and band is THE most important thing to you in order for you to achieve wholeness or happiness or contentment in life...and authenticity.

So...most simply put; I need to achieve that authenticity and wholeness also, and the Pacific Northwest is where I have to be in order to be my authentic self.

Sad as I may feel about it (and as much as I've tried to delude myself that that authenticity could be replaced somehow for me here), I won't ever be mentally sound enough to be my authentic self without my forests and American family.

It's not just a passion - it's in my blood...in the core of my being.

With all my heart and soul I wish it was a passion and authenticity that could be transferred to this location so that I could stay with you, but it isn't something that I can pick up and bring here to me.

Polyamorous...

That's probably what I authentically am...

But I was willing to be monogamous to be with you.

Now that you have realized your authenticity is violin/music AND also revolves around polyamory...and you have to be true to yourself in that regard.............I also realize that I can't be my authentic self polyamorously in this country. I do not like most British girls. I don't 'get' them - they will never be silvan. They are all essentially 'city girls' in my comparison. I don't fit here.

I can't find my Mxxx here. Nor my Pxxx. Nor my Rxxxxx. None of the "other" people that I may need, or have needed during MY times of crisis, exist here on this island.

You are the only one.

So I'm going home.

Where I can follow MY passion of communing with nature. Of living off the land. Of getting off the grid. Of focussing on family life, farm life, free life.

Free from the drama of a multitude of needy friends who take more than they are willing or able to give.

Free from average mainstream culture - except in small metered doses.

I said I wanted and dreamed of all those things in our beginnings and you seemed to agree.

What your passion is and what you need for your personal authenticity may have changed, but mine hasn't.

Maybe you don't even remember agreeing with me about those things - you say you don't even remember the conversation we had about infidelity and the inherent torture of deceit.

But I remember.

And those were the things I based my decision (to come to be with you in the UK) on.

But we don't prioritise those things. We don't grow veg and herbs together in the front garden and in the windows. There's not enough time for that. We don't focus on communing with nature. There's not enough time for that. And we don't focus together on family life and home life. There's not enough time for that.

The house is most often in a state of physical disorder and chaos because focusing on social media and other people and other things is of a higher importance.

You haven't cleaned the cat box in years - even though I specifically said I didn't want cats because I felt that I would end up being the one constantly having to clean the litter boxes...and you assured me it wasn't going to be like that.

Maybe you dont remember that either. Idk anymore.

Your focus is most often 'out there' and thus when we do have time off together your physical, psychological and emotional energy is drained...and you've normally postponed important things that you need to do and so 'our' time together has to slot around those things.

Case in point - you said you shouldn't come hang out with me for a while at work yesterday (Monday, March 4th) because you needed to get things done and practice violin.

Then you didn't do those things during the day and were instead gonna practice violin in the evening.

But in the small space of time that you were at the shop with me you both expressed to me how violin is THE MOST IMPORTANT thing to you and yet also explained that you were inclined to go out with MXXX that night (because he was uncomfortable with his good friend BXX's situation and wanted your support/company) ---- thus putting violin on hold.

My "frustration" stemmed from sadness, from feeling hurt that in the same short convo you made it abundantly clear how important violin is for you and yet also were willing to put it on hold for MXXX.

After expressing my feelings in the most calm way I possibly could, you immediately lit into me and could not carry on an empathic conversation in the vein of Option. You invalidated my feelings - said in had no right to them.

And you have repeatedly invalidated my feelings when I was doing what you asked me to do (share, be open, be honest). You regularly interpret my feelings as a personal attack and jump into a self-righteous and vicious defense directed at me rather than having a non-judgemental, empathic and loving conversation with me about those feelings.

It seems to most often devolve very quickly into "I'm right and you're wrong" or vice versa.

Or, worse, "If you don't like it, you should go back to the states".

Over the years you have repeatedly given me that ultimatum.

I will never love anyone as much as I love you. I don't even remotely understand the depths of this love I feel for you.

No one can ever replace you.

But in the words of Patty Smyth,

"Now, I could never change you,

I don't want to blame you,

Baby, you don't have to take the fall.

Yes, I may have hurt you, but I did not desert you.

Maybe I just want to have it all.

It makes a sound like thunder, it makes me feel like rain.

And like a fool who will never see the truth,

I keep thinking something's gonna change.

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,

and it's bad when you know it's your heart they can't trust.

There's a reason why people don't stay who they are.

Baby, sometimes love just ain't enough."

0 notes

onelesstomylast · 5 years

Text

'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome

And I don't feel right when you've gone away

You've gone away

You don't feel me here anymore

'Cause I'm broken when I'm open

And I don't feel like I am strong enough

'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome

And I don't feel right when you're gone away

1 note · View note

onelesstomylast · 5 years

Text

Schism

Tool

I know the pieces fit

'Cause I watched them fall away.

Mildewed and smouldering,

Fundamental differing.

Pure intention juxtaposed

Will set two lovers' souls in motion

Disintegrating as it goes

Testing our communication.

The light that feuled our fire then

Has a burned a hole between us so

We cannot see to reach an end

Crippling our communication.

I know the pieces fit

'Cause I watched them tumble down.

No fault, none to blame

It doesn't mean I don't desire to

Point the finger, blame the other

Watch the temple topple over.

To bring the pieces back together

Rediscover communication.

The poetry

That comes from the squaring off between

And the circling is worth it

Finding beauty in the dissonance.

There was a time that the pieces fit

But I watched them fall away.

Mildewed and smouldering,

Strangled by our coveting.

I've done the math enough to know

The dangers of our second guessing

Doomed to crumble unless we grow

And strengthen our communication.

Cold silence has

A tendency to

Atrophy any

Sense of compassion.

Between supposed brothers,

Between supposed lovers.

I know the pieces fit

0 notes

onelesstomylast · 5 years

Text

In order for me to be the "me" that I am most comfortable with - the me that I love - I need alcohol and weed regularly.

I can only process and move through the cyclical spinning thoughts when I've had that chemical release.

0 notes

onelesstomylast · 5 years

Text

Despise Twitter. Done with Facebook. Unfulfilled by Instagram.

A personal diary, open to John Q. Public whilst remaining anonymous, is the way forward.

Here I go...

1 note · View note