04.23.24

Post shower-writing and it feels so good! I washed off a lot of my sluggish energy. Still unfocused with my thoughts and how to pinpoint them... but I must bring my thoughts to the present moment. Mindlessness has been something I've been trained to do all of my life. I couldnt get school done without hurried multitasking.. I never got to do one thing at a time. Mindfulness is something I am practicing. Maybe tomorrow I will wear my watch and see what happens. Maybe it will help keep me calmer. I kinda wish I had a smartwatch so I could leave my phone at the radio to do music. That part of the day stretches me a little thin. I'm successful at finding ways that make my day to day life easier. Been thinking about how I cilantro'd up the egg pie tonight.. I really liked it but poor dad couldnt eat it! I didnt know it tasted so much like soap for him. I thought we had the same genes there.. but looks like he got the soapy gene! How interesting. At least I can eat the egg pie for breakfast.. One thing I've learned recently about dad is that he has a very hard time talking about his emotions. I always knew this but its a lot deeper than I realized. He recognizes good, bad, sad, angry. Its hard for me sometimes because I'm someone who likes to talk about emotions and identifying feelings and such. I think its because I enjoy understanding them and welcoming them in.. Its a wonder to feel emotions after burying them down most of my life. Its a wonder to get to identify what upsets you and maybe even once or twice, speak up for yourself! Everything is a lot slower of a process than you think, especially practicing betterment. Opportunities must arise, you must recognize the opportunity and then you must act! And then wait and see what happens next. Act and respond. I calmly allow my emotions to sit within me. I can feel my feelings without squashing them down and I can sit with them patiently. I do not have to display my emotions in order to feel them. I can let them out in meditative bodily ways. I can do so much, but my mind is quicker than my actions. Maybe there is one life out there where I do everything I set my mind to. Meanwhile, here I have the time to write out my stream of conscious thoughts and wonder what in the heck they mean. More things I'm learning about my old cycles... i am SAFE. I am SAFE to let my fears go. Because things will happen whether I'm a'feared of them or not. Its difficult to let them go sometimes cause they are familiar pathways of thinking.. my brain thinks they keep me safe but I can recognize that they dont keep me safe safe. I can keep myself safe safe in so many new ways. I am only just starting out on my big journey. In 14 years, what will I be doing? This next big lucky jupiter cycle. One thing is.. or... two things.. I need to keep practicing slowing down. And Two.. I need to keep on writing things down! Keep on writing, keep on journaling, keep on making art and having thoughts. Try to have more experiences. Try to be more direct.

LA

04.23.24

Today is the full moon and I am feeling quite a lot! I feel as though I have so much to get out but my mind is a bit clogged. I cant seem to form the words to get the flow flowin' like usual, yknow? I have a lot of lists on my mind and a lot of idle time that could be focused much better. I am good at putting task lists in front of my mind, so much so that Its hard for me to slow my roll. Its possible for me to crank up real hard and go real hard but then I need atleast a whole day of maintenance. Lists on my mind are projects that I want to do. And then I hear the little voice saying to me "you could just use the time you spend listing actually doing the thing. But so many things are next!! And I aim and aspire for a certain vibe, a certain layout, a certain and clear usage of my environment. Creating an environment that nourishes me. And then I think to myself, "I need to cultivate that on the inside as well. An inner being that nourishes me. Feeling my feelings without reacting.. feeling my feelings and taking a moment to absorb and respond. I absorb things so slowly. I am hot tempered and sometimes impermeable. I have never had good chance to just practice being mad before and I still believe I could use better outlets for anger. I know whats good for me, I need an easier time making these things happen within my routine. So many options feel "cut off" for some reason. I've moved to my bedroom for more comfort.. thats the thing about my day room, its not very comfortable! What can be done to make it more comfortable to be and work? I enjoy the cozy feel of my bedroom and feel so inspired in here. I will keep working on my dayroom and shift some things around. The chairs are certainly rough to sit on, and the excess chairs cause a lot of clutter! I suppose the next big things are gonna be... finally sell the tub.. and sell the chairs. Even 100 for each wouldnt be bad. More things on my mind.. when I started this account, I had intentions to just not censor myself and to let my words and typos flow, but since then, I've honed in on the power of words more.. and I find myself wanting to be more careful and selective. More intentional with my words and choosy with the things that I say. So this feels like the perfect time for letting go of what isnt serving me. Under the light of the full moon, I see everything, uninhibited by the cloudy haze of mercury retrograde. Its full steam ahead and I'm learning more for Taurus Season. I've been thinking about what kind of magic I feel connected to and definitely flowers, astrology, cooking, and home. These are the things that really help me feel lit up for the world. I love learning and I love sharing, but in a more intimate way than social media. I wish I could be a person online but its very hard for me to want to put myself out there. I feel like I'm still working to have a grasp on myself.. and I know that I am easily impressed. I can say that I trust myself fairly well but I know I get too excited and optimistic for my own good. I am learning the fine balance of wonder and skepticism. Sometimes I do fall under the line of suspicious. I guess a lot of life for me is just me deciphering my interpretation of the world. Well.. the world inside my head is going on at the exact same time and my goal is to line them up!! I guess I have to live with more foolish wonder than I thought. I dont know when along the line I became so serious. Its hard to shake it. Its as if theres just a touch too many responsibilities weighing one side down. Oh to feel that spark of joy and ignorance. Knowing isnt everything. Feeling is a lot of it. Being is most of it. LA

04.02.24

Its been a minute since I wrote anything here on this blog, but here I am again, after a long winter's nap. I took all of winter to rest, recuperate, reflect, and now I'm ready to wake up, stir, stretch my body, breathe, and take stock of what I have to start the new day with. Because it is a new day. More than ever I'm realizing just how much everything is tied to my perspective on it and I can change any perspective that I need to in order to prosper even better. Things are going well and I trust in myself completely to keep getting myself thru this life. I'm feeling so grateful for everything. I've had a few tough moments, especially this past Sunday. I had a long day of really big feelings and I handled it stubbornly, but I did better than the cycles before me. I'm still learning to do better. I feel myself loosening my grip on the way things are in my mind.. because the way things are in my mind isnt necessarily the way things are in real life. I've been intimidated for so long and I feel myself letting go of that old emotion. I've been doing this for plenty of years now and I do have the hang of things and I do kinda know what I'm doing. Challenges will come and go, as always, but my ability to handle them has steadied.

LA

1.25.24

Been struggling a lot this last whole week in particular. Feels like another buildup. I got sick again this past Tuesday and its been a struggle in itself, but I swear, in hindsight, I could feel something coming on. At least it made a lot of sense. I was so frustrated and overwhelmed last week at work. There was just so much to do and not enough time. I've been experiencing feelings of people not respecting my efforts, my time, or regarding me outside of themselves. Been troubled that people are talking crap behind my back, and I always have to remind myself that's not my business, but it does affect me. Lately I've been treading the messy line of allowing myself cranky anger in real time but also learning to manage it in healthier ways. I definitely need more body movement more consistently. Its hard to incorporate that into a reliable routine, though. I was successful at not overstimulating myself these past couple of days. I guess the shadowy feelings of it all are that I'm feeling like I cant ever do enough to please those I'm closest with. Its hard to understand and its hard to get away from that habit. I still have a lot to practice. I still struggle with not feeling like myself on the day-to-day. With each day, though, I gain more practice and clarity, I believe. Also treading the line lately of feeling light and love and gratitude, while also freely expressing my shadowy side, the feelings I usually smush down. I don't want to exist in a rut of ungratefulness. I truly do have a fine life and I also still have room for frustration. Its a very human thing, right? Perhaps the most human thing is overthinking, which is what I'm usually doing the most. I'm also trying to observe how I'm speaking to myself. If I'm so quick to judge myself harshly, of course I will do the same with others, out of cyclic habit.

As always, there's plenty to think about and the lot of it all has me a bit anxious and worried. Its hard to turn it off, even though I am grateful for my life. How to not dwell, but also acknowledge and validate any feelings of frustration? My new cat tarot deck strongly suggests learning judgement and balance. I guess there's my next step. But also.. could it be that I'm just a naturally grumpish person? (being an Aries...) and does being grumpy mean that I'm stuck in low vibes? I think not.. society is generally terrible and dismal these days. Consumerism and war, election year and more.. its all a huge weight to feel. It seems the big wigs want us to feel responsible for the way the world is.. its so easy to feel like there's nothing I can do to improve the way the world is. It feels like a huge hill to climb, but as always, of course we are going to try, even if its daunting. There's honestly no other way to go in time, but forward, no matter whats happening. And I free myself to let go of any baggage or any past self feelings, even if it was from 5 minutes ago. I give myself full permission to drop it and change to a clean slate at any given minute that I choose. I have more freedoms than I would first think. Material world woes can really bog a spirit down.

As always, again, I guess I shouldn't wait so long to write next time. It seems there's always something deeper that's bothering me, not just what I initially think on the tip of the brain iceberg. I'm always trying to harmonize all of myselves.

LA

01.15.24

I keep on Keepin' on. That's the biggest thing lately, is to just keep on keepin' on. I'm still trying my best and learning and also taking time to experience. I'm not sure I have that practice down yet, but It seems like things come together some way. I can see it clearly from time to time. Its like building a puzzle that's constantly shifting and changing. But all the pieces are the same, usually, even though there are some new ones thrown in there from time to time.

I think that what I do is more like automatic writing than stream of consciousness. Or is it the same thing? It always feels as though I'm tapping into something that just flows right through my vessel. As I always say, its more like I'm listening than thinking, myself.

This evening I've got cinematic soul funk jamming on my earphones. Its a good flow. I got a lot done, meshing some of my magic into my work books. It feels like I'm chipping away at a hard habit of separation, but I'm always trying to bring more of myself into my workplace. Trying to grow a little more comfortably. We are all like a big container garden. Its pretty fun to think about. I'm glad I've been able to think and plan in a more effective way. As always, I feel like I could have or could be accomplishing more.. pushing myself harder.. But I'm still trying to go slowly and enjoy things. Trying to learn to balance what sustains me and what fills me up. Learning to make it all work together. Having a stable home for a while has really helped this out. I still have a fear of displacement rooted deep in there, but its more like something I'm respectfully conscious of. I feel as though, even though I have a ways to go in practice, I have a pretty good outlook on things, challenges, surprises in life. Though the unexpected always occurs. We are simple little creatures, surprised somehow, even though nothing is guaranteed and life is random. Its laid out that way. The way the system works is the thing we think of as God. I'm not sure what I like calling it yet, but I sure as heck can feel it. It really is the absolute, the trunk of the tree of life. Its amazing to get to be a part of it.

LA

1.11.24

I think that its been an incredibly interesting week. I am observing myself a little differently from usual and I feel more connected to myself than I ever have in the past. More sure of myself and of my own footsteps, rather than feeling unsure and looking for answers, feeling too much. I'm grateful for where I'm at right now. I learned so much last year and I feel as if I'm holding it all delicately in my hands, assessing it and considering how I'm going to use everything in my hands. The present moment does slow things down. I've learned to give myself grace and I'm learning more about how to treat myself and in turn treat others. Theoretically I've known, sure, but to really know something comes from practice and not just mental experience. Practice completes the puzzle.

My previous disciplines have been basics, because I never learned how to stay disciplined in a way that works for me. For me, discipline had always looked like daily practice, rigid structure, same time, same place, but its only like that if I set it like that. Realistically, discipline looks like practicing my goals when I can and forgiving myself when I slip up. I am entering a no guilt and no shame culture. Sure, I am still untangling what "over work" looks like vs. "putting in my all". More than anything I'm going to listen to my body more and my heart and my reactions. I don't have to rush, I don't have to blindly jump into things because "taking a chance" and "taking a risk" are not equatable. I can get out of my comfort zone while still considering things carefully. My comfort zone doesn't have to get yanked from me in order to try something new. I'm allowed to do as much or as little as I want. I am aware of my actions and the rippling they cause in the world along with others.

Just dawned on me that I am excited for Aquarius season. Its going to be social and warm, I can feel it. Things are such a stark difference from last year and I am blown away with the positivity I'm feeling as of late. I do recall having a wild sense of optimism right before another depressive spell last year. I have respect for my patterns and cycles and although I try to change for my benefit and betterment, I recognize that change isn't always so instant or effortless. I wont be hard on myself if I find myself slipping. And I will ride the wave as best as I can. Even my month and moon cycles are always in flux. I'm still looking at patterns within myself that I haven't fully figured out.

Feeling sleepy now! Heading to bed.

LA <3

12.11.23

Still feeling like writing, though for me, writing can often be more like listening. I just tune into my stream of consciousness, sit back and let it tell me things. Sometimes its silly stuff, sometimes, a lot of the time, its stuff that I need to hear. Its fun to just let the thoughts out of my head and often it surprises me just how much comes out. I've been told that I have a way with words and I'm so skeptical of that compliment. I enjoy writing the newsletter at work, I love communicating via words and typing seems to be a good way for me to get my thoughts across. I can sound more neutral when I'm able to write things out. I am often very emotional in real time, and I'm also slow to process things because I process so much. There's a word for it that I don't remember right now where the person (me) thinks about things in whole entire chunks, rather than little pieces. That's definitely me. I've gotta see the big picture first and then observe how the whole things works. Its easier for me to see the end goal than it is for me to do with all the steps to get there. That's where my execution ends up stalling. I definitely need assistance in this world with the step by steps. I stall so often cause I don't know exactly how to get to the big picture. And I'm always trying my best. I have high goals! I feel as though 2024 will be full of good and interesting things. As strange and as deeply emotional this year has been, I feel like 2024 has a lot of good things in store for me and those around me. I'm excited to create and participate in more things. I'm feeling confident that I'm figuring out my world for the better and figuring it out for my advantage. I'm figuring that I can rest and play and work better and better. Its odd, I'm so thankful that I've been forced to take a true break. The timing couldn't have been better. Realizing just how burnt out I had been, I've never in my life rested like this, not so I remember. Maybe I did when I was a kid. I knew better how to relax, then. I hadn't yet learned to be uptight. As always, tryin' to be cool, tryin' to not be uptight. My mantra for next year feels like its going to be "get more personal" and I believe, as always, that's going to involve my relationship with myself. If I'm being completely honest, I've been afraid to admit how wholeheartedly I want to just be by myself these days. I literally want no one else, except for my homebodies. Me and dad and Cleo. I have had this DIRE need to retreat and i felt it coming and I'm glad I actually got it and it wasn't a bad situation or a lie for my own sake. such peace to get to have a paid break and to feel more supported. This is the kind of energy you pay forward. Still learning to fill my own cup so that I pay it forward instead of spending myself. If I learn how to go about it, I can do great things with my energy. Its something I strive for, I feel as though I'll learn better how to have connection and more. Peace and solitude. Peace with myself, peace with my timing.

LA

12.11.23

And again I say, what a wild and wooly month its been. I knew I was going downhill in some way but then I managed to cacth covid. I gotta say, it wasnt at all what I ever expected. I felt it way more in my muscles and body than anything else. I was met with the worse fatigue of my life, on top of starting my period on the very same day. Its like someone threw me in the washer and into the dryer for the past few days. All I can really say is that somehow I knew things were leading up to something big and funky like this. The energy was just headed this way. I also gotta say, these have been some incredibly hard days. Its like since I had to sit still, actually sit still, I was met with all of the rough emotions I can usually outrun. and all in all it hasnt been too bad, but I've encountered some incredibly painful moments over the past few days. I know that feeling low and being sick and tired makes you emotional. I sure felt in a similar way that I've seen the twins act. Like an emotional exhausted toddler. I was feeling so sad, so mournful, sooo tired. All of my covid fears caught up with me. I also somehow managed to get some really deep rest. I also gotta say, I feel so thankful for my work place. They do take care of me. I was so worried about not getting paid over this time but now I feel so confident that I can rest easy.. It looks like I'll be taking the rest of the week off, still. I've still been testing strong today so I doubt I'll start testing negative tomorrow, but I do believe I am on the up and up. I've been feeling incredibly upbeat since this evening started. I've been doing a good job, even though I've had some low moments. I gotta say big thanks to my dad for dealing with me when I'm so emotional. I say that because I have a hard time handling others when they're at their worst and I admire how he sticks by me. I definitely look up to him still. Dad's forever my role model, he always tries his very best. I always use him as my goodness parameter, even when I might make a different choice than he might. I think the different choices I make are just more "Selfish" ones. Dad would probably go all out and keep working but over this year, I've learned that I can make more time for myself and I can teach him that its okay to truly rest. Now here in december, I think he understands all the breaks that I take. I just never want him to think I'm lazy. Its a boundary of mine, I guess.

I'm still learning so many things and I feel sooo blessed to have this time. I am one lucky little person and I hope that those around me can feel all of the love I'm sending out. I certainly cant believe my life is what it is. I couldnt be more grateful, even if its incredibly nice to have a break. I am still practicing slowing down more and more and it always surprises me when I think to myself "looks like you can slow down even more" and its actually safe and okay. The fact that I have a feeling of safety in my life is astounding to me. I feel so incredibly fortunate that my worries are what they are, I know things could be different for me in any other lifetime. I feel the weight of how bleak the world looks right now. It never feels like enough. I could never do enough to express the urgency I feel for this world, the sadness, the panic, the solidarity with gaza and all of the humans in this world. everybody deserves a chance to be on this earth, we cannot and should not treat one another in this way. I feel as though I have such a tiny voice and I'm still learning how to use my voice and turn it all into action. As always, the goal is to do better. Do better for others, do better for myself, do better for all.

I have been feeling abuzz with thought most of the day, it stalls me so. Night time feels like a safe time to put the headphones in and rest. I always feel so alert during the day time. I feel the anxiety of the world, the urgency to do all of the things that need doing in the world. I realize that it never stops and I also cannot feel selfish for taking a slice where I am able. Its all a grand dance. I'm still learning how to work with my ego. I've never liked that the ego is something to squash or silence. My ego is someone I like very much, though they neednt run the show all the time. Thats gotta be what autopilot looks like. I'd rather work with my ego, learn how to use it to help me make decisions, help me in social situations. Still learning to unmask. And I find that I'm not alone in this strange unmasking journey. I was never prepared with how much of a stranger in this world I would feel like after really unmasking to myself. Its like my bro said, we are starting from the very beginning and rebuilding our walls and boundaries. Demolition complete, rebuild now~

LA

11.30.23

What a tumultuous month its been, and for no reason at all. I've been wired with anxiety this month and as usual, trying to make the best of it all. The tension that I constantly feel, I'm trying to discern how much of it is my own making. Its the time of year where the melancholia sets in inch by inch. It gets deeper and deeper, I feel the energy of the earth just slow down to the point where all I want to do to my very core is sleep, eat and rest, like a proper mammal.. no, why would I want to be awake doing things? I'd much rather be sleeping and cozy all winter. That's what its for. But no, gotta get up every day and deal with my tiny sliver of living in this society. At what point, WHO decided that we needed more than just basking in the sun and eating berries..

Anyway, the melancholia definitely sets in at this point, but although I am tired and confused, I am also more fine than I usually am at this time. I cant decide if its because I don't feel much anymore or if I don't feel much anymore because I'm not in a state of anxiety. Its hard to tell what stage of things I'm at. When I'm not anxious, I am suspicious that I am not anxious. and also, who, WHO do I even think I am? I'm a magnificent little human and wonderful and kind AND i am no different than any other human. and i want to keep learning how to do better by others and better by my dad. I want to have more meaningful interactions with him, but I always feel like I bungle it up with silly thoughts and old cycles of thinking with him. I'd like to shed any old cycles that aren't serving my highest good with my dad. I'd like to learn to be better with him and not so non-interactive or impatient. I just want to do better and feel more connected without feeling triggered or feeling like a child. Its hard to not feel like a child when I'm with him, but my reactions are always my own and I don't have to be in survival mode anymore. I can do this and I can do as better as I want to do.

LA

11.9.23

Its been another hot minute since I've wanted to write. As soon as autumn hit, I was absolutely lost in it and overall its been pretty wonderful. I'm very much learning how to be comfortable with myself, as myself and also at my own pace. I'm living my highest timeline with harm to no one and I will continue to do so!

A lot of things have happened since I last tuned in here and honestly, I haven't wanted to browse social media at all. Its one thing I would love to learn to do consistently but I'm not a consistent person when it comes to posting online anywhere. I always end up getting bored or tired of it, the need to post, the pressure to be consistent with it all. Lately I've learned very much that writing in any form at all is consistency in itself. I write in several notebooks and I'm learning that ok. There's a way I've always wanted to be, a person who can sit down and go through one sketchbook at a time, one notebook at a time and everything goes into it, but no I'm not like that at all. I have to have about 15 different ways to get out what I'm thinking and feeling. I have this great need to express things very specifically and the whole way of going about it is different each day. Some days I really want to collage, some days I want to paint, some days I like to clean and organize, some days I like to watch movies and TV and some days I enjoy tending to my garden and some days, too, one or all of those things is the last thing I'd like to do for that day, and so I sit and I lay and I bask and that's all okay too. I realize how much pain there is in the world and how wonderful I have it. I am so grateful for the life that I happen to have and I never wish to take it for granted. I think one day I will know how I will be able to be of more help in this world but for now I'm doing what I can while also deeeeply diving into learning how to care for myself. There's nothing wrong with me pouring a lot of energy into myself. I often feel a deep sense of guilt along with it, though. Not sure if its out of habit or if its my intuition nudging me into putting so much energy into myself. I have this worry that I should still be focusing on others more than myself and am learning balance along with that. Its been hard to connect with others for a while now, but maybe I'm just connecting with folks in a different way than I'm used to recognizing. I have a nice even relationship with most everyone I know and none of my relationships are currently leaning too much one way or the other. Things feel very balanced for the most part and I'm very grateful for that. I've managed to take opportunities that land me here in the position that I am in. I'm still balancing leaning how to manage and how to lead. If there's one thing that's off scale lately, it might be that. I've been leaning very hard towards manager, Ive been tired lately, and I'd rather be leaning more towards leader, showing folks how to go about the daily work life by example.

My brain suddenly paused there but I do still feel like writing. As far as the phase I'm currently in, definitely feeling the autumn hibernation settling in. I am but a mere mammal, seeking cozy comfort in the dim hours of the day. We changed the clocks back this past weekend and as always its been an adjustment. I think I'll be ok getting used to it. I'm more interested in keeping my 4 day schedule than I am worried about a 20 minute drive home in the dark each night. Its not a bad trade off at all. I intend to keep things this way as best as I can. I have no intention of changing this schedule soon and as always I end up wishing I used my time-off more wisely. Its hard to get into the groove of doing things sometimes. I end up overwhelmed with the things I "could" be doing and yet I often end up paralyzed and inactive, its very strange. Often I still end up getting stuff done, its just not as much stuff as I wanted to get done. For some reason, my expectations of myself are always very high and I often don't realize it! It all seems very normal to me. Though I'm not often clear to myself, either. Sometimes I just like to ramble on about in the conversation. I'll sound like a little old man from the 1800's sitting in a parlor, talking about his old days and how the world is so different now. I guess that is me, though and the world I live in. I really don't mind it at all. I've learned to be more focused on what is and what REALLY truly is than what isn't or what I thought it Should be or things like that. Its a big relief to sit back and not have some kind of expectation or blue print for how things should be going on around me. I accept what is for what it is at the time. I've accepted that humans are weird and wild and unpredictable and I'm lucky enough not have not encountered too much strife. I've got it good and well, and I'll be doing what I can to maintain me and my loved ones. I thought to myself the other day, I've been in "i need" mode for so long I've forgotten, or never learned, what it was like "to have" and then next "to maintain" I've always been in the NEED portion of that energy.. now that I realize I have it, I CAN have it, I deserve it and such, I can learn to maintain the things I do have... humbly. I don't take the life that I have lightly. I'm grateful and I hope I'm able to live in and show respect for it all.

LA <3

8.29.23

I've not wanted to write for a little while. I've been really occupied with doing outside things and honestly, I'm feeling very exhausted. It was all good memories and very rewarding but I feel a drastic need to retreat. Go slowly. My mantra on my September calendar is to go slow. I called it Slow September.

I've been under the influence of a baaad mood for about a week now. It PMS as usual but it feels so intense. Feels like I've wasted a lot of time being unnecessarily angry at the people I love. I really notice how it feels like I do that a lot. It feels like I rest in this constant state of trigger and rejection with dad lately. I don't want to feel this way. I'd love to figure out how to get out of my head and have better quality time with him. I feel like I dissociate, gloss over, and rush the time we spend together. I definitely spent a lot of my past weekend in my feels, angry like a teenager. I want to hold myself and tell her she's still lovable, even when she's angry over things. Sometimes I fear that putting my exact feelings into writing makes them too real, but I will keep trying. I need to learn to be even more honest with myself, not hold back and not judge myself too harshly. I am always trying my best to do good, even when neglect and laziness settle in. Even when I could be doing better. Its hard to understand, its hard to unravel and I'm already sinking into some depression over it again. Hopefully I can keep making an effort to change these cycles in me that aren't helping me anymore.

Again, I'd like to shift my focus to something much slower. Something softer. I haven't been enjoying who I am as a person lately. It feels very contrived. It feels very fake. A lot of the time I need to go a lot more slowly than I think I do. My impulse is to rush, and I rush by my loved ones.

I feel so stressed right now, feeling as though I wasted a good long weekend, feeling so angry with dad for old reasons. It wasn't something I felt like I could control. I was just in my feels. I feel like we don't get to talk as good as we used to. I feel like I always dissociate, trigger into some negative feelings, or rush our time together. This weekend, I've been deep in the trenches of a hormone dip, which is never really good for me. In all my efforts of trying to understand myself, I feel like I've forgotten how to consistently care about other people. The more I go forward the less I feel I understand. I also feel like I spend so much time with dad, just absolutely zooted out of my mind and I cant appreciate or react in the ways that I want to. He's such a kind and special little old man, And I always want to do better by him. But he sees the best in me and he also sees the worst in me. Grateful that we always hold each other in the best and the worst times. I'm sure that's what love is.

This weekend, I was in my feelings about not feeling like I mattered, not feeling listened to, not feeling regarded. Feeling like dad only talks to me like I'm a sounding board, or someone to explain things too. I would like to get out of my head and take these things less personally. I get triggered into feeling like I did when I was a kid. Dad's a different person now than he used to be. I make a lot of unfair assumptions when it comes to him. I want to do better.

In trying to gain myself, I feel like I've lost a good chunk of what matters TO myself.. its hard to explain but its also easy to realize that I've been trying too hard again. I fall into that cycle. Its an all or nothing kind of mode where I DO IT ALL or i do absolutely nothing. As always, trying to find better balance in my life.

Tomorrow is the full blue moon in Pisces and I really hope for a good cleansing feeling. Its a full moon so its hard to sleep, but I hope to have cleansing dreams. Its Virgo season and I feel like that always makes me crazy. I'm an overhead kind of person and I enjoy details but Virgo season can be a lot for me and my impulsive nature.

Thoughts are all over the place but I find comfort in writing again. It was such a cram-full month I feel as though I spent the whole time on auto pilot. How do I get off that awful train? How do I manage to become more connective? When I'm in public I'm always so preoccupied with how I look to people, do I seem right? Do I look like people are supposed to look? I want to calm down. I want to rest my dials on a solid 4 or something low like that. I need to be okay with being more low-key.

Its never too late to start acting how I want to be. Its all practice. I realize where I don't want to be and I change from there. Quality over quantity. Quality over quantity.

LA

7.31

Went on vacation with the family to Atlantic beach and the surrounding area and it was exactly what I needed. I was along for the right. Helpful but not in charge. Everyone else's needs were higher than mine and I was not in charge. It was sooo great.

Feeling refreshed and glad for an extra few days before working again. Really rethinking things as always. really evaluating what I've got right now.

LA

7.17.23

The past 2 days I've been absolutely strapped emotionally, to the point where I feel the depression slipping back in through the cracks. It always seems to rush in when I'm the most tired, and right after things have been going well. Its almost like I just got tired of holding it all up. Feeling bad for being so grumpy towards dad today. He didnt deserve it at all, but it was all the little things screaming at me inside my head, it made it so hard to stay present. So many tiny little voices talking at once, needing my attention at once and none of it feels important but all of it feels important. I feel like all I've done recently is think of myself and figure out how to take care of myself, it feels fake and selfish when I purposefully switch to taking care of others. Its very hard to put into the right words. Nothing feels quite right and nothing feels accurate or real. I feel like I'm treading water and I'm so tired. I feel like I've done enough damage for the time being and just need to remove myself. I feel bad for needing so much attention and I feel constantly wounded and triggered and am not sure how to come out of it. I dont want to think these things anymore and I dont want to feel these things anymore. I want to put these rough feelings down but I dont know how. I'm tired of being someone who needs so much all the time. I need to break a cycle somewhere, somehow. I need a deep deep very deep cleanse somehow. A really good cry. A good rocking holding kind of cry. My need to go absolutely feral isnt calm or cool at all, its quiet and desperate in the back of my mind at all times and I think it always has been. Something I've been keeping back. Theres a whole lot of me that I'm still keeping back because its hard to be me when I'm with people who need a specific version of me. More than anything these past couple of days I've wanted to be alone. I have needed some seclusion.. about 3 days to my whole self.

LA

5.22.23

Everything all at once and its okay! everything all at once is not a burden and its not too much to hold. Everything all at once might be a beautiful thing and I am ready to hold it!!

LA

5.21.23

Feeling the intense hormonal pull to just be angry at everything, no matter what it is. The discomfort in my body from all the changes... I wish I were more ignorant to. At the same time, paying attention to myself has been immensely beneficial.. though it comes with ongoing responsibilities. Its not enough to just observe myself and allow myself to feel.. I then need to know what to do about it, which is the frustrating part.

Adventures in re-parenting yourself when you were barely actually raised to be a human in the first place. Sussing out my story so that I can tell it any way I want. Allowing myself the space to be an angry brat when I want to be. Allowing my teen self to go feral when they need to, to process all this old built up emotion inside of me. I need more support, more emotional release. I am such a reservoir and I'm still in the process of cleaning the tank. Its tiring and I'd like to rest. Learning to feel okay with resting.. learning to let my mind slow down from overthought. Learning to look at the long term as a comfort, rather than an intimidation factor. Learning to just experience and allow and savor it no matter what.

I'd prefer to always feel "good".. I'd prefer to feel happiness and joy on the default, but these days it is hard. I feel like I'm combating a lot of thoughts to the contrary that I don't even really see or hear. Trying to stabilize my mood, feel my mood and not let it affect me, its so hard.

LA

5.14.23

At what point am I who I want to be? All at once? A little bit at a time?

MY biggest issue is that I see so many things at once and how they intertwine and how they relate to one another, and I have this distinct inability to put those feelings and thoughts into words. Everything feels too big to describe and it sends me into overload.

I've tried needing less, for myself, just to see if its easier, and its a lot more confusing. Needing less is not the answer, but perhaps listening to the biggest needs, maybe even the simplest needs, the most.

LA

5.14.23

I'm filled with so much and also running on empty at the same time. I want to go away for a month and re-set myself, but leaving things behind is also hard. I realize that everything is based on how I perceive things.. I try not to have a rigid thought process because I find thats what hurts me the most, and yet in order to function on the daily, I know no other way to be that avoids me the most conflict. Do I choose to have conflict with myself to avoid having it with others? Really feeling the shadowy periods of my life more and more consistently. More and more, I'd like to learn to accept my shadowy sides and my more "unsavory" nature. I know that no parts of me are bad. I'm trying not to beat the "bad" parts out of my personality.. rather, accept them and learn to deal with the consequences. I struggle with perfection.. there again, I'm trying to learn to simply exist, and perhaps a little less mindFULLly.. I suffer from overthought.. over care.. just so much at once. More than anything I'd like to not think so much and simply remember how to enjoy things. I dont know where along the way I've learned to be like this, but more than anything I'd like to feel things again, and more consistently.

Also, maybe I'm just so tired. I really could use a solid month of rest.

LA