my brain is fired 

My boyfriend talks in his sleep and because he’s bilingual, he says some hilarious/weird/sometimes creepy shit. I ask him every morning if he remembers saying this stuff and he has no idea about any of it. 

Here are some of my favorites:

-”Babe, can you please turn down the brightness of your skin” -After stealing all of the blankets: “This is my right as a human” -After I take the blankets back: “I don’t want your freedom, America. Just blanket” -Sometimes he just says “Hello?” as if he’s answering a phone call -One night he just said “Cabbage” which is weird because he doesn’t know the english word for that when he’s awake.  -After spooning me: “You have a nice butt” -”Who is that in the corner?” (terrifying) -”Watch out for the red lady” (even more terrifying) -Sometimes he will say things in German and it sounds like he’s speaking Parseltongue -One time I actually think he said something in Parseltongue -One time he talked about buying a ticket to “everywhere” and then just said “hello?” after two minutes of silence -And my all time favorite: ”This is MY yogurt, Satan”

Remember in 1993 when Jurassic Park was like…the end all, be all of special effects?

Tumblr needs more of this….whatever this is.

remember that first live action scooby doo movie. where the antagonist was literally scrappy doo and he was stealing peoples souls, like actually really stealing and absorbing souls, and was planning on taking scoobys soul to rule the world with an army of demons and get revenge on the gang after they abandoned him because he kept peeing in the car, and near the end he turned into this huge dog monster

a real movie

The best video ever posted on the internet is the scene from american psycho where they’re comparing business cards but someone edited it so they’re comparing like ridiculous forum signatures

Dangerous Dogs Behind “Beware Of Dog” Signs.

this is so great. fuck toxic masculinity. we need something like this stateside (x) | follow @this-is-life-actually

my uncle

-is allergic to chocolate -is physically incapable of laughter (it comes out as a hiss, like steam escaping a pipe) -has weird long vampire teeth -once led a chemical attack on some college students who had bullied his high school chemistry class -named his bicycle Tom Bombadil -got hired twice for the same job as himself and his fake identical twin because his boss wouldn’t hire him full time -is the only member of my family to have shown me open and unconditional support -is a clean-cut nerd… who used to be a psychedelic Deadhead and follow them around on tour -enjoys snacking on an exercise formula called “goo”; his favorite flavor is “plain”. Plain goo. He gave me a box of it for Christmas once and it’s as gross as it sounds. -cannot touch mangos -teaches meditation seminars at his Buddhist temple -has begun studying magic -used to be obsessed with cults, especially Scientology, and would just… spy on their temples -is so fucking weird -used to drive a car that he’d covered entirely in plastic lizards, until someone stole it -is terrified of the flying monkeys from The Wizard of Oz and still has nightmares about them

Malia Obama being a carefree black girl at lollapalooza is giving me LIFE