I went to visit a friend yesterday. We were just sitting and talking, I was telling him about my new job and moving. I just finished my bachelor's, I have a great job offer, and I'm moving in with my partner. Right now, it looks as though for all the world everything is changing for the better.

And because we are friends, and haven't gotten out of a bad habit of joking about death (always ours, in particular), I said what I always say. Something or other about wanting to die. And he paused and looked at me and said

"But you're not supposed to be sad now."

For a moment I was taken aback by it, because I know we both know that isn't how it works. But I also know he's right. At least, why it makes sense to say. Because there's a voice in the back of my head that has been asking me that question for years. It's been there for as long as I have had the words to explain this thing that's been a part of me, that I can't for some reason remember a time without.

I know I'm not supposed to be sad now. I know that there are things to look forward to, that there are wonderful people in my life, that I have the ability to grow and change for the better.

But I am still sad. Right here, right now. And I know that I am still going to be sad, even when everything has been moved, when all the plans have been carried out, when all the dust settles.

Sad is not the right word. But depressed isn't either, no matter how clinically accurate it may be.

I am trying with everything that I have to acknowledge that, and to be okay with it, and to be grateful for the moments where it does not feel like I am being chased by something that I can't ever really get away from. But it's not going well right now.

I am just starting to feel it again in full force. For a while I was distracted enough, anxious enough, motivated enough. But now that it is just me and it, sitting alone together, I don't know how to acknowledge it without drowning.

I'm not supposed to be sad anymore.

I don't know how else to be.

It is warm, someone has their arms around your shoulders, and this time you let them. You are a little nervous, you always have been. But it's not destroying you piece by piece, and you are (finally, finally, finally) not slowly unraveling.

things are shifting

lately it feels like the end of everything

September's resolution: try not to cry so loud

that something is usually my beautiful, perfect, evil black cat vomiting underneath my bed

I always am about to go to sleep at a beautiful 11pm and then something happens to me

I have highly exploitable traits. I also am so insanely dysfunctional I'm actually pretty hard to exploit.

Many people are noting that Nimona isn't very subtle about its message and themes (cue the rainbow breathe weapon). And you know what, I think it's awesome. We're used to thinking subtlety is good, and even queer people frequently agree that queer stories should be "well made" and "not too preachy". That's not wrong in itself, but here's the thing: after spending millennia as "the love that dare not speak its name", we desperately need stuff that isn't subtle, but loudly, blatantly, obnoxiously queer... AND well made, because these are not opposites. Subtlety for its own sake becomes just another closet. After realizing it, I won't be comfortable writing queer subtext anymore -- not until I see queer text become commonplace.

I am not okay today. I am trying to acknowledge that it's normal. It still feels heavy, though. Maybe it's growing pains, maybe not. I don't know.

some things i’ve learned about adulthood that no one warns you about

you will in fact continue to have acne past the age of twenty

you will eventually hit a point where you start to feel icky inside if you go too long without eating some sort of vegetables

depending on your current level of athleticism/physical activity as well as the kind of activities you did as a kid/teenager, your joints may start acting whack in your twenties, despite what everyone says about that not happening until middle age

eventually you will reach a point where you wonder how you were able to stay up until 3am nearly every night and be perfectly fine the next day (and this moment will come much younger than you expect)

it is much harder to meet new people after you’re done with school than sitcoms would have you believe

don’t let society tell you shit: it is perfectly acceptable to live with your parents after you graduate, there’s no need to be broke and miserable just so you can have some misguided attempt at independence straight out of school

honestly will never forget this older client we had who told me how her life had gotten so much better with time and age and asked how old I was and when I told her I was 28, she said I was just a baby and reassured me I had so much time ahead of me and how much better it'll get as I grow into my life. There was such an indescribable amount of love and hope in that single interaction I think I'll hold it with me forever.

hi bestie im going feral

sorry babe I'm listening to the Botw boss fight soundtrack on repeat

I have eaten a thousand lies to avoid confronting this truth. I will become my mother. Right down to her sadnesses. I will become her.

- Nikita Gill

Truthfully none of us are even asking for joy. We are just asking for a little peace. We are praying for the world to hurt us a little less, for our tired hearts to have a little rest.

-Nikita Gill

everyone is always so angry that it's raining

but it feels like a relief from where i sit

here at the desk, it is quiet, and warm

the sound is gentle and comforting

even outside, it smells clean and new

the cold water is an apology

for weeks to too-bright sun

and a promise to do better

i live in apartment where i can't see trees out the window

i garden inside and water my plants in the bathroom sink

there's dirt in my pipes