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noyesmaybe · 3 years

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Ramblings of a random typist

I can remember that feeling when I’m home, and secure. Fresh febreze spray and playing splinter cell game. It was a moment I’ll always recall. When I was safe and with my family. My last day of feeling connected. From that day things changed, domestic violence, stealing, psychological and emotional abuse. It’s interesting what we can look back on, being so far away from us.

I enjoy recalling events in my life, reflecting on myself. Spending conversations, in my imagination. Holding onto myself, making sure I’m okay. My life’s been alright, it’s had its down. Let’s see.... what can I mention of my hard times??

My sister, my cousin, playing around almost drowned me at separate times in my youth. I had a temper, when someone wouldn’t relate with me. Emotionally I required a lot of conversation, I didn’t get social cues so I took offense each time. I take offense to a lot of things. When you take or borrow anything for a brief moment without a word, is rude to me. Not now, but then. Emotionally tight cord, just a little pluck and I’d ask, or finally talk, but it hindered me from close friendships. Today I’ve gotten more practice, I’m emotionally articulated. I use words, and not feelings or expressions. I come across plain, neutral.... But I mean well, and then? Well, imagine a human who’s blank. I wasn’t expressionate, I didn’t connect in conversations. I had little in common, and had little interest in others. Today, I can say much of this still true.

It’s hard to say, typical people know what they want. Typical people, have an opinion or idea to contribute. I like my company, I hesitate to meet people. Most of the time something unknown and uncomfortable comes with meeting people. What’s going on in that persons life? How will it bump my familiarities? Will it interrupt my usual routines and behaviors? Will it challenge me to adapt to a set of circumstances, challenge me to grow up in a way I don’t see right in my moral structure?

I’d say I’m no simple person, I have to read the room- just to know what words I can use. Must I speak in phrases? Or expand my vocabulary? Do I have to be very specific, or do generalizations help this crowd understand me? This is today, this is now. Do I speak to loud? No I am hardly heard, it’s a challenge to use a deep voice and be understood clear let alone loudly. Just stand close to me so we can talk, let’s forget about groups altogether please! Geez!

I’d rather handle one person at a time, because I need to read. What do I read off you, and what are saying? Is it true, or a deception? Are you convincing yourself what your saying or convincing me? How honest are you, how much shadow work- self introspection- does this person do? These lights are hard on my eyes, too many sounds going on for me to focus right now. I’m getting distracted, I need music to swallow the massive swelling of a headache that creeps up on me... every life, person. Is a challenge to me!

Call it autism, antisocial, or whatever other words that make sense to you. But all I got is me, and whatever I’ve learned to adapt. Will the next person make it easy, or hard?

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noyesmaybe · 3 years

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Illness of the mind

A dark perpetrator

The devil

Disease is the idea you’re imperfect

Each of us a door into a new perspective

We shut out or let in or open locked up

Inside ourselves

Convincing ourselves one thing at a time

Or many

When I listen to you, Angel who speaks good to me how do I know good and bad ideas spitting from your lips? What will run through me, my imagination, your words, are they Fact... opinion? Devil, who deceived me?

It’s me, my perspective of you, and me. I’m contaminated by imagination, right wrong, by what’s said to me, what I discover; books movies and local area social norms....

Who’s to say the world isn’t just angels and demons wearing the wrong suits? Given a mask and a mirror, and convinced it’s someone else. We’re confused, identity and meaning lost.

Who’s to say or give any judgement when all we are ——— is a closed door in a closed mind space, confused and always figuring out?

There is no answe, but there is. There’s always a maybe. Just me sube, we’re on the right path.

Perspective is the glass, action is the handle. What do you see? Seek the chain of events that overcome. Become better, grow, seek for yourself and let loose the voice of reasons that say you don’t deserve happiness or cheer.

My last words to leave you, reader? Where and when do you love yourself? My demonic angel?

#poetry #writing #opposing #demonic angel

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