Dude has a death wish

i want someone who will sit on a rooftop with me at 3 am and shave their head while i shave my head and then hotglue the hair to the roof so the roof will have hair

Me, watching my kitten hold still for a suspiciously long time: Ollie, are you peeing on my floor?

Ollie: Not

Me: Are you sure?

Ollie, grunting through time and space to push out a chocolate mcmuffin wider than he is tall: Not

I love animals that are, like, the opposite of cryptids: we know for a fact they exist and have a clear idea of what they look like because we have photographs and individual specimens, but we haven’t the faintest idea where they’re coming from - they just keep showing up out of nowhere, and the locations of their actual population centres are a complete mystery.

literally 

tangerine snail 🍊

moon snail 🌕

before there were phones people read the bible while driving

im not calling it "delicious in dungeon". anyone who calls it that should be forced to do the blood test from "the thing"

bella was lucky she didn’t have a cell phone of any kind because you know ya boi edward would be blowing up that phone 24-7 going “saw a snail today…. effervescent” or some shit equivalent