Day 4 (4 January 2016)

2:32am I'm up... I don't know why. But I'm up. Feeling down, but I'm shutting down my emotions bit by bit. I'm starting to let go of what I'm feeling. It really hurts like hell, like everyday bits and pieces of me dies along with the thought of good memories which I try to forget. ENOUGH!!! I've had enough. Arghhh!!! Why do I have to feel anything for someone who definitely doesn't give a shit about me?!!! Help me God! End my suffering and just let me die! Please!

11:57pm Just got home... Really really drunk. Hahaha!!! Don't know what to say. You probably heard. Yah. I wish I died. But who knows what destiny might bring this sat. It's ride or die anyway so either I finish top or I die trying. Hahaha!!! Night! Can't take the dizzyness much longer. At last, I'll get to sleep after 3days!

11:47am Just sitting alone, listening to the playlist I made on Spotify while I was talking to you at the hospital last December. Remember, the laughters we had? As in puro tayo tawanan that time like nothing else mattered but that moment in time which I wish never have ended. Sana nandun na lang tayo, at least ok tayo that time. Listening also to your voice memos over messenger. Hahaha!!! Hay... Those are the only way I could hear you now. What a long conversation we had. Hahaha!!! Topics are mostly dramatic, but we had our laughs there so it was really nice to listen to. Especially the most iritating part na first time nagstart yung long 'hi'. 'Hiiiiiiiii Philip'. Hahaha!!! Akala ko nun ano sasabihin mo then biglang yun narinig ko. Hahaha!!! Tawa ako ng tawa nun na naiinis. Hahaha!!! Kainis pa din kung naalala ko. Hahaha!!! Hayyy... Good old memories to keep for life. Missing you. Really wish we were talking now... :-)

10:23am Hahaha... Laki ng tawa ko dito, as in. May tama nga nman. Not worried naman ako eh. Medyo sanay na din naman. Hiiiiiiiiii!!! Morning! Morning! I miss you!!!

8:25am I'm here...!!! :-( I'm still alone... I thought aga ni Bry 'coz his car is here. But nope, the car was left last night when they were here. Yup, Bry, Eli and Manu... I'm not sure if you were also, but yah they were. Not sure what they talked about but I'm definitely gonna know that later when sinermunan na nila ako. Hahaha!!! No worries... I'm chill... I'm relaxed... pano magiging hindi e nasobrahan ata ako. Hahaha!!! Wait, bakit ganun iba oras sa picture... Ahahaha!!! Wala kasing batt! Hahaha!!! Laughtrip akala ko 10am na! Badtrip nagtaka ako bakit wala pang nangyayari late na. Hahaha!!! Hiiiiiiiiii!!! Eat your fit food on time. I know you're up na since you shared someone's post about Mitch Albom's new book (I WANT!!!) so better eat that breakfast na. Will update you after they come and gave the nyao nyao. Hahaha!!!

5:13am I'm up!!! Or I never slept... hhmmmm... I actually can't differentiate it at all. Hahaha!!! I wanna go out, I'm going to the shop na. I can't be alone, I might (or may) get crazy already, hahaha!!! Hiiiiiiiiii!!! Good morning!!! It's a brand new day! Back to busy days! It's new year! Yayyy!!! Off to the shower... write to you again in a jiffy!

Day 3 (3 January 2016)

2:36am Hollow, empty and alone... That's how I feel right now. I don't know what to think, but I am thinking of something. It's just that everything in my mind is jumbled up; I'm confused, lost in words, in thoughts. Why are memories so hard to forget?! Why didn't God gave a delete options to what you can remember or at least an on/off switch to how you feel. Well... still hoping for something I know will never come. :-) Back to my movie marathon!

11:19pm So how was you date? Or is it dinner? Or whatsoever. Happy? I hope you are 'coz you know that all I want in this lifetime is for you to be entirely happy and contented with everything. Sorry about my rant a while ago. Hahaha!!! Medyo may tama, up to now meron pa din pero medyo manageable. Ok na ako. Hahaha!!! Ok na. Ok lang... Hahaha!!! Hope you like the rose :-) I always keep my promises. Kaya nga malakas loob ko sabihin na kung nagbago ako e di maghiwalay tayo. Remember that? Hahaha!!! Wala lang. I'm super tired. I'm super hungry. I haven't slept at all, i haven't eaten much (for today yung Persimmon lang, hahaha!!!). I just wanna drop dead and die kasi sana. Di ko na kaya. Almost shutting down. Hope I really do soon, ang hirap kasi. Basta if I do Icee, please remember me as I was ang how you knew me kasi yun talaga ako. Once I shut all of you out with my feelings, expect a very different me; a purely self-centered business person. As in no friendship or family, kung aawayin kta, aawayin kita. At nagiging wala akong paki kahit saan at kahit kanino. I might seen to be hollow on those coming times, but always have in mind that you're there somewhere just needed to be boosted up to be noticed again. Find me Icee, I know you ca. I love you so much! Mwah!

5:58pm ... ... ... Uuhhhmmmm... Hhmmmm... Aahhhhh... Grabe speechless pa din ako up to now. Hahaha... wait... wait... hahaha... sorry laughtripping ako now, alam mo na malamang bakit. Hahaha!!! As in nakatulala lang ako chill nakikinig ng mga chill lounge songs nakaupo sa bed. Grabe ahhh... As in ahhh... Wala akong masabi. As in. Before I start BTW, if you think I'll be editing some parts here kapag naging ok tayo, that's a big NO-NO. I'm making sure that when you read all of this, you'll know how bad I freaking felt when you just left me like a dog you picked up from the streets and left me back where you got me when you decided you didn't want me anymore. Shet talaga! I'm so stupid! As in ang tanga ko! Tell me im stupid please! Tell me napakatanga mo Philip na akala mo there could be any chance for us to be together. Hahaha!!! Wala akong kasing tanga! Bakit ba sa pag-ibig ang tanga ko. Di na natuto. Hahahayyyy... Wala na, di ko na alam gagawin ko! Buti pa nga sya nababaliw at least kasama ka! Ako nababaliw na ako lang magisa. Hahaha!!! Grabe... Ako pa talaga nakakainis?! Ako?! Really?! Alam ko pabiro mo yun, pero really? Ok ba tayo at parang ok lang tayo eh. Wow ah! Thank you as in... Salamat! Parang wla lang nangyari eh, di mo alam Candice gano kasakit sakin na makausap ka. Ang sakit sakit pero inaasahan ko pa din at gusto pa din kita makausap kasi mahal kita kahit na ang hirap. Mgisa lang ako, alam mo yan. Tapos ako pa talaga nakakainis?! Sorry ah, mahal na mahal kita eh! Ayan ah! Transparency! Dito ko lahat inilalabas depression ko sa mga nangyari. As in sobrang frustrated ako. I wanna die! Lord, please let me rest na. O ipasunog mo na ko sa hell na kung san karadapat dapat... akong mamuno. KILL ME!!! Grabe! Ano ba itong pagpasok ng taon na ito! Grabe! Ano ba itong buhay na ito. Please Philip!!! Pabayaan mo na sarili mo magshutdown! Please stop feeling! Kaya mo yan! Let her go and shut off your emotions! Kaya mo yan! Nagawa mo dati, gawin mo na lang ulit. Tanggalin mo na lahat. Be what we are before! We're better that way. No love. No feeling. Please gusto ko lang maalis itong feeling na ito!

3:31pm Look what my aunt brought over kasi ayaw ko daw kumain. Our favorite!!! Maki!!! Well, I still didn't eat. That's for my dad right there with his lumpia. I'm on hunger strike and will be for a while. I'm not really in a mood to chew anything; beer, softdrink and juice will do. So, what are you up to now? Hope you're ok and happy with everything. Me, I'm almost done with the movie, later again... Mwah!

1:37pm Kept myself busy the entire morning cleaning up the mess and damage the firework did to the interior of my car. :-( Yah, my matting was totally burned and so is part of my bucket seat. Hay... good thing it didn't damage anything major like the dashboard 'coz that would definitely suck. That's my lunch on the photo, I'm not on a diet or anything. I'm just trying to starve myself to death, but I can't help it. I love persimmon. But of course not as much as I love you. Hahaha... Nambola nanaman ulit. Sorry. I'm just trying to get my depression out. I'm missing you, very much Icee. I miss you. I'll be watching Underworld: Blood Wars in a bit. Almost done downloading it. I'm just staying home as I always did before you. :-) Hiiiiiiiiii... I love you. Mwah! By the way, your rose is on its way. Not sure what time, but it'll definitely be there with some stuff.

7:05am

Feeling dizzy… haven’t had that sleep, haven’t eaten. Hay… this is literally easier being said than done. Good morning Icee! Mwah! I love you!

Day 2 (2 January 2016)

4:21am

I couldn’t sleep, still hoping for this phone to ring before I doze off just hearing your voice. I honestly couldn’t believe that you called. You have no idea how much that bit of a minute call meant even though we didn’t talk much about anything. At least for me that was something rather than going crazy missing you, longing for you.

I love you candice… Hope you’re doing ok. Hope you’re already sleeping. Know that I’ll try to hold on and wait for you for as long as I could. I miss you!

10:45pm

I kept glancing on my phone from time to time wishing it rings saying Clarice. God… how I love seeing that name everytime my phone rings and I love hearing that distinct sweet voice saying ‘Hi… Philip’… every single time. It really melts my heart just hearing you, knowing that you’ve called to spend time to talk knowing that we’ve already talked about almost everything.

So, have you had your dinner yet? I hope you did na coz it’s really late.

What kept you busy the whole day? Hope you didn’t go all stressed out as always.

Well, ako grabe… na hot seat ako sobra kanina dito sa bahay nung nagkaroon ng little reunion as despedida ng tita and pinsans ko. As in they were all talking about you. Nilaglag ako ng isang tita ko, nakakainis sobra. They actually wanted to meet you and be able to bond with you. Especially my tita from GenSan who’ll be leaving tom. Honestly, I almost cried when i told them na di naman tayo so don’t push. I told them na lang that you left the country for a while and you’re return is indefinite. Never felt so low in my entire life. I just went up and locked myself.

I watched Doctor Strange, just finished actually. Then I’ll be watching Star Wars: Rogue One after this. I need to keep myself really occupied to run away from reality. I’m actually back to taking valium to keep me away from my depression. Took double doze for the last 2 takes. I can’t shake up the feeling pa din kaya sobrang mas lalo nakakainis. Hay… I miss you badly…

Candice???…

Hiiiiiiiiii!!! Hiiiiiiiiii!!!

I love you! Very very much and I really hope I can keep whatever I’m doing up 'coz, I’m almost at the peak of my thoughts that I really really want to overdose again and make sure that this time I won’t wake up from it anymore. :-) Sleep early ok. Mwah!

4:47pm

Hiiiiiiiiii…

Hiiiiiiiiii candice…

I love you… :-) i never get tired of saying it. I never not want to say it coz i really do. I don’t know how I’ll handle tonight, yah I got through yesterday coz I’m in a run, but later… shet… ano kaya mangyayari sakin. Hopefully, I just survive the night. Then I’ll just go along day by day hoping I’ll be alright. Like what a lot of people say… fake it ‘til you make it.

1:24pm OMG! Grabe nababaliw na ako!!! Ano ba ito! Sobrang natetempt ako sobra tumawag, magtext or magPM!!! Sobrang pigil na pigil lang ako! Ano ba?! Ano ba?! Ano ba gagawin ko?! Lord! Bakit mo naman ako ginaganito?! Bakit ngayon pa?! Bakit new year pa?! Grabe di na ko makalabas ng kwarto kasi kanina pa ko iyak ng iyak. Kanina pa ang init init ng ulo ko!

11:55am Anyhow... since we really didn't have our bonding session last night or this morning which I really missed. These are the things that happened the whole day 'til you called. 1. I had my haircut and as always, you were right. Combing my hair looks good on me just like the beard. I just have to grow the upper part so I'll be able to achieve the look you wanted for me. Thank you. 2. The cholesterol and alcohol trip before the run. I honestly didn't feel well since I over ate my all-time fave (hahahahaha!!!) tahong. I ate around 40 of it, gagalit na nga dad ko sa dami ng kinain ko, but I wanted myself dead. Not to mention the sinampalukang kambing na bawal din sakin. Well... Walang effect, masamang damo matagal talaga mamatay. Hahaha!!! Alcohol... hhmmmmm... I had 2 bottles (one on my friend's place, 1 in Voodoo). and a few shots of the Chivas also at my friend's place. Really sleepy but I was hoping to have a head-on with a truck or something to end the pain, but God prevented that. Though the firework that went inside the car was a surprise. Di naman masyadong malaki tama nung car. Thank God. 3. Went to Nueva Viscaya to visit my wreckage site. It was raining but I still went out and nagpaulan. Hahaha!!! Ok lang yun, walang namamatay sa nagpabasa sa ulan. Ayun, yun lang naman nangyari the whole day ko. I miss you icee... I love you. Mwah!!!