let it all go

I wanted to write it for almost 3 months. And i never could.

I promised myself again to change everything and to become fully different person. As new year started I was sure that everything will be different. But it’s not.

I can’t explain why. I want things to be different but as i decide to start sth i give it up. The worst thing is to realise that if i started a year or three years ago i could have an amazing result now.

But now i decided to write this because I need to forgive and let past go. It’s high time for this.

The first thing to let go is my father. I’m so tired of being angry and to feel this hate. Almost 3 years passed since you left. I’ve never felt offended or insuted, you just left when we needed help. And I was so mad. I hated you so much. All i wanted was revenge. But now it is time to let you and this hate go. I forgive you for everything but starting from this day you don’t exist for me. You’re just a stranger for me.

I always dependend on others people opinion. I followed sthmn elses life and fully forgot about mine. It was always so important to be alike someone. I’m so tired of following someone. I want to let it all go.

Last times I think a lot about my friendship with M.Sometimes it feels like its over. As we are not friends anymore. Just an old acquaintance. We’ve gone through a lot of things but it is not anymore as in old times. There is one thing I know for sure if i haven’t called you every time we quarreled we wouldn’t talk now. I was always trying to save this friendship. I promised myself so many times that i won’t call you . But I always did. And it is time to let it go. I’m grateful for everything. For all that amazing memories, times and laughs. If you won’t call me this time first it will all end. Because I finally let this friendship go.

Now I’m sitting and realize how many things hold me back. How i can i move on if I have so much hate in my heart?

The biggest hate I feel is hate for myself. I hate myseld for being such an awful person. I’m so sorry for screaming for blaming you and for all that thind i said. I lied. I loved you so much. You were right. I feel so lonely now. I want you to see how I changed.( or how your death changed me). The fact that i was a child is not an excuse. It’s not enough to forgive myself.

How many times you wanted to change everything? To get away from the place you live and back fully different person. Sounds ridiculous ,but I have such desire for the last 3 years. And yes, I'm still at the same place with the same problems as years ago. I always ask myself what stops me, why I can't do anything. Is it fear or just laziness? Always same promises given to myself, always same hopes. But as a result I'm still at the same place.