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nobody-but-still-somebody-blog · 6 years

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Nobody listens, cause they don't want to

I want to have a blog kinda

Boom, now I'm weird, perfect opportunity for people like luke, jordan and brandon to pick at. Seeing me react to their statements amuses them. But if don't react then they get weird, but if I give trouble on what I believe to be in an equal level, they're taken aback. I've gotten good at just laughing at their queries and jabs.

Find humor in things that bother you, that will make them easier to deal with.

January 1st 2018

Do me a favor and prove yourself wrong, be somebody that people want to be around. Stop feeling like a loser, be the best looking person you've ever seen. You don't need a single fuck face in your life if they don't need you.

You can do this.

It's always been the same for me, just watch and observe all the people around you have fun. But you can't bring yourself to ask to come with.

Now what do I do

I feel so damn unimportant it's laughable, nobody Fucking knows who I am, I have never heard anybody ask who I am more than when they are talking to me around my cousin. I bet it's not out of curiosity, but it's out of requirement. Why can't I just have trustable figures in my life, somebody I don't have sacrifice much for and vice versa. Nobody fucking cares and if they do it's because they have to, otherwise it would be awkward. Maybe I have to make a sacrifice for somebody before they ever could care about me. But is there not one person

Fuck that word. If I could remove one word from the English language it would be the word,"awkward" never in my life has one word bothered me more.

I am in depression

Depression is for those who don't wanna try anymore

Happiness is for those who need to try more things to feel it

Self abuse is for those who think they have no control over who they are

Joy is for those who think God provides it

Sadness is for those who just take a second to look around and at themselves

Dissatisfaction and discontentment is for everyone, Happy New Year

1/11/18

Anime makes me analyze things. It puts me in a mood to think about the actions of others in ways I wouldn't normally think, perhaps that's just what happens when I have nothing to do for hours on end.

It makes me wanna change who I am, the ever present and lurking feeling of loneliness is my companion and consultant during these thoughts, making me see connections in people. The feelings we have, the actions we do, we're all the same. Our needs and our wants, just to find the thing that makes us happy. Popularity, money, success.. love. We take steps towards these things. But the staircase of acquirement branches in many ways. Stepping up continuously is stressful, uncomfortable, difficult, and there are always easier ways to find these things. But they always destroy who you are in the process. Success and money comes from hard work... not if you just take from somebody who already is successful.

Popularity requires something about you to be special, your looks, abilities, your family's riches perhaps.... not if you do whatever you can to make everyone around you happy, thereby making people like you.

Love requires a special connection, intricate connections of magnetic personalities. Something about you has to be able to connect with someone else in order for you to find love... but we often can find a substitute for that by just giving ourselves to whoever wants us. Filling that want momentarily.

Success and money take time to find, but for the restless, a life of crime could be attractive I guess, I really don't know how that feels.

Popularity is often times random and some people become popular for no reason what so ever. But the less fortunate can sometimes feel the need to waste their time running around for the sake of others, never taking time to look at themselves and what is happening. You destroy your mind to feel accepted.

Love is something we all want and sometimes need. Especially while you are young or if you have none at home. But there is more than one way to find it. Throwing yourself at the nearest sign of potential, you destroy your body to feel love for just a moment

That is not for me, I will never hit on a girl. If that changes that means that I've changed. I can't waste another part of my life for something bound to be painful. I will not fall on my own sword. Of course my fuckin dick is a sword with a brain of its own. Dayum maybe if I doa lil smash and dash babiii.

1/14/18

Instant crush sounds like a Taylor swift song in the beginning, but then it starts to sound good

Her face, sharp and smiling, she looks at me, across the room full of strangers she approaches. She embraces me tightly, buries her head in my chest. She's happy to see me. Her voice is soft and comforting when she speaks to me, but only when she's embracing me. When the song begins she isn't afraid to feel the music. She's pulls me toward the dance floor when her favorite song starts. Her body moves exactly how she wants it to, quick movements with the rhythm. The way she moves pulls me toward her. My eyes are glued on her, letting her real side show. This is who she is and it makes me love her more. I can't help it, I begin to move with her. Together the song is ours, no one can take it away from us now. She takes my shirt off in the middle of everyone and begins to grind on me. The music makes me forget anyone else is watching. Our movements are no longer our own. The music is in complete control, mixed with the cement attraction and excitement I'm feeling for the elegant party baby in front of me. I can see she is beginning to feel hot and flustered. She grabs me by the arm and pulls my face to hers. Making out, still feeling the music, I am hers now.

January 17th 2018

<silly fantasy

Somebody?

I wish I had celibacy

I'm tired, but I can't sleep

I'm hungry, but I can't eat

What am I

A Jew in a concentration camp

Your existence is haunting

then you wouldn't feel lonely

No silly, happiness is an illusion

...

1/18/18

I wanna beat the shit out of a lot of people, fucking retards think they are the shit. Yet the people who could make them realize they aren't continue to encourage their behavior

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nobody-but-still-somebody-blog · 6 years

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I'm Insane

11/17/17

Suh

Reasons for me to not be somebody who goes out and does things with people. There just isn't enough people for me to be around and be comfortable, I don't want to be close to anybody, close to the point of guaranteed annoyance. Putting myself in that situation would cause unnecessary stress for me over somebody's I won't know or talk to in 5 years. Getting close to somebody makes me feel like a fag, so I don't.

But at the same time not having anyone to do stuff with is boring especially seeing the people that I'm on good terms with hang out without me, I'm used to it, but is there something about me that prevents people from wanting to hang out with me?

Am I annoying? Can I not be annoying and still be funny? Do I care too much about making a fool out of myself? Why do only people older than me laugh at my jokes?

Why is everyone so critical about differences?

If we weren't critical would there be any difference in how things go in relationships?

Why do people hang on to one person so long and not be able to let go? Attachment is easy

Why do I do the things that I do, can I not change it?

Why can't I be happy with how I look? I know I don't have the average body of a 16 year old but I still always focus on what I have a hard time changing.

Does going to the gym make me a better person or does it worsen me? Sure there are health benefits but at my age most kids don't really think about this stuff as hard as I do. Can I just focus on what's important or will I continue to just do what's put in front of me and not pursue the things that matter.

Why do people put such an effort to find things out about people just to talk bad about them. They never wanted you to know that secret, so why talk about it, it's not your business. Putting myself in that situation I wouldn't say a word. If You do something like that then everyone will always find out. But does that change who you are? Since you did let a guy give you a blowjob should people talk shit for making a life decision like that? You know what was wrong with getting a blow job from a guy but yet you still did it. What I am I supposed to say about that person that people already don't know. Should we all just move on? Or will the thought that kid being gay remain in unconscious thoughts about him affecting or behavior around him? Is it wrong to do that? Chase

If you ask a question that sounds dumb and you don't ever get the answer, will that solve anything? You're still just as dumb as before, making a silly mistake is one thing, but actually wanting to know the answer to something you don't know shouldn't just be written off as," fuck off retard" we should take time for that person. Chase Brandon

On the other hand no we shouldn't, most likely that kid has done that to himself, if everyone knows the answer to his question in a class where we all talked about it, why does he not remember? He screwed himself over by not paying attention, blame his parents for not teaching how to be a student. Or blame him for taking his time on smoking so much damn weed that his brain reaction and attention span is slower than everyone else's. Or the fact that he always try's to make people laugh without a thought of what might happen.

Does writing about this equate to talking shit? What's the difference between that sentence and what other people say?

It's not talking shit. Talking requires somebody to talk to. These are my thoughts alone.

Brandon

What is weirdness? (I think it may be the knowledge or enjoyment of something that isn't already widespread in the people around you) And what makes you normal? (Being like everyone else, in the sense of what the majority of people enjoy) Even bringing up this question makes me weird, because nobody wants to think about what's weird. Everyone has something that they've never heard of. Instead of trying it and trying to see why the other person enjoys it, they write it off as some piece of shit that only faggots like. Why? Can we not raise a society that is ok with trying new things? Can we just be a little more understanding? Of course we can't, why would we. We want to live in our bubble of comfort and not let anything pierce it. I use the term weird to describe something that doesn't physically, mentally or emotionally harm someone. Just a hobby, we keep the darker things way farther out of view. Me

If luke or Jordan or Brandon ever read this they would immediately call me a faggot. But I want to write my thoughts down, maybe I can look back at myself and see changes. These will be my private writings about things I don't know about or why they happen to me or around me. Fuckin annoying

None of this shit matters, the feeling I have for people. It's all so absolutely and utterly empty on the inside. Just a mask, now that I sound like a little emo bitch, I'll just keep writing.

I feel like a little bitch when I can't go into a store and ask for a job. They always look at me like "Why the fuck you asking that" "think I wanna work with a little dumbass inexperienced little bitch?" "Nah we don't give jobs to people who don't know how to do shit"

I feel like a retard whenever I talk about something I don't much about. And the things I do know about about, nobody cares to ask. But people always continue to tell me why they like "this" or do "this" as if I give a shit. I don't care what they like but also I won't say that it is trash, "unless it is something that has been ruined by a certain person or event in my eyes" "or unless the subject is constantly talked about to the point that it makes me wanna kill my self (figuratively)"

We could never really work. Not in that situation. Surrounded by people with the unconscious thoughts of jealousy as deep as mine. Preventing me from pursuing her in the fashion that I desired most. The inability to form normal conversation because of the vast amount of mind games that I thought to be present. "She said that for a reason.", I'd think to myself, "She's trying to piss me off", I don't reply for a few hours so she can get a taste her own medicine. Cutting myself off emotionally because I would watch as the people I knew had crushes on her play with her as though they had been dating for months. I can't love like that. I can't be with someone and watch as she laughs with others more than me. Priorities were skewered as I would want to see her again in the mornings and dread to see her once school was let out. "I hate her", I would say. But I'd hate myself for letting myself fall for her. I had no self control, being led by my lust into the trap of a relationship in that small of a setting. I could never truly be myself. I look back and realize that she wanted me to pay her all the attention she desired and treat her like a real girlfriend. But want me to be okay with all the little things she did, post revealing pictures, touch and play and laugh with everyone except me.

I just wanted to make her feel my anguish. Make her realize that I could find something better than her. (Maybe she would love and cling to me more if she knew I had other options) <-(false statement) But I never could find someone else and that hurt the worst. I wanted her to hate me, to justify my hatred for her. She never felt the way I did. I could never make her feel the same way as I did, make her feel jealous and insecure. I can't do the things with the girls at my school that she did with the guys. I just wasn't the type of guy to do that. I can't force those actions, they wouldn't have the same feel. So on I went playing the game and pretending to want her for more than to hurt her and make her want me. We were drawn to each other over and over again despite the essay of minor incidents. We both would find a reason to be mad. We'd scroll through the past like a dictionary until we found something that would be suitable. Pure frustration that would delve into the emotion of hatred. I channeled that at the gym. Made myself into what I look like, formed a habit from that and turned myself into a fuckboi looking guy. We couldn't work it out, we couldn't let it go, and we held on to our ego like a newborn child. It was all we had or else we would just fall apart.

-We could've had something- perhaps that's why we kept coming back.

Ouch

12/7/17

Maybe there's hope for meeee heheh

12/9/17

Silly goose.

12/12/17

"The most important things are the hardest to say, because words diminish them. It's hard to make strangers care about the good things in you're life." -Stephen King

12/21/17

Who am I going to be when I grow old? Am I taking the right steps to becoming that man?

Am I hanging around the right people? Who am I supposed to be friends with?

Why do my peers actions seem so childish to me? Especially since I'm the youngest one here? Why do I think this way?

_______

Nothing is attractive anymore, emptiness and fleeting pleasures. I spend an eternity it seems thinking of what I could be. But the actions it takes to do so look oh so impossible. Climbing a mountain as smooth and slick as silicon. L

Maybe it's just my imagination that creates such obstacles. Perhaps momentum is what carries the determined in life. All you need is a few good pushes and everything will roll as you wish it would. O

But how do I push a square? I am not a sphere, I don't adjust to my surroundings as quick as I need to. To be able to roll with the punches you have to be able to roll regardless. What do I have to change to be able to roll? Do I have to chip away at the parts of me that I don't need? L

But I enjoy those parts greatly... the parts that keep me stable, comfortable in my place in life. Alone with my thoughts. I can indulge in anything, I can do my best to see what's great about it. I know what art is. O

Oh really? L

I mean I know when something is enjoyable. I can do my best to relate.O

You sit there in an abandoned hospital with skin cracking and teeth yellowing committing acts of self destruction (apparently) and avoid many options of basic human functions. Yes, of course you know what is enjoyable. Since you've experienced so much..L

I digress O

______________________________________________

Is it really hopeless? How long will I be so discontent

Living a life that makes me seem bent and insecure

Surrounded by what I'm told is good and pure

But feeling as cold as wood in winter

I kneel before God Almighty

As I'm told I should

Please be there for your unfaithful servant

For he fails to be what he could

Lukewarm and the opposite of mighty

The boy who wishes he were good

______________________________________________

I wish I could share these types of thoughts and feelings, but there's is no way I would ever share this with people I know. I fear of hearing their disapproval for inappropriate thoughts, depressing feelings, insecurities, and inconsistencies between my thoughts and my acts. Perhaps we really are three things at once: body, soul, and spirit.

Nobody will listen when I speak, so why speak at all? I don't want to add to the useless and boring conversations about so and so. I wish to laugh and make others laugh, so I can feel like we are all the same. If I can do that with a person then I don't mind they're presence, that doesn't mean I will be rude to those who don't.

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