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I'm upset because this lady wanted a reading, I gave it to her, and now she's not replying when it's her turn to make good on the exchange portion.
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Kimiya,
I have read all the emails but have not finished all the texts yet.
Why don't you just tell me what you want from me.
I haven't been in touch with you for a while and out of the blue here comes another vitriolic message from you.
If I am such a terrible person, why don't you just leave me alone.
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Okay, on weekdays she's not available until after 2pm. So for whatever reason she's not available yet and it makes sense she hasn't looked at my message.
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I did a reading for a "partial service exchange" the other day. I know it was good. I messaged her today, two days later, with my venmo and asking about the service exchange.
I sent that message before 8am. It's 11:35. We'll see.
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They're advertising shit for mothers day. Obviously I didn't plan it this way.
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I blocked mom's email, but it'll go to spam and if I catch it in time maybe I'll see it. If she replies. I haven't blocked her number yet.
I am so sad. It's just sad. I'm sad.
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I'm really sad. I don't want to do this thing with my mom. Maybe if she can see what I'm saying we'll be okay. Maybe if she can see ME. Maybe if she can have a shred of empathy. I'm just so sad.
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What is it that I actually want from this conversation with my mom? I think I want to end the chapter with an explanation. Taylor said I should also ask any questions I have then, so I'm not questioning shit later that can't be answered.
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It's 4:28 and he's still asleep. I feel like I'm being punished for having sex with him. I am so stressed out. He said primetime is 5-8. 5 is 32 minutes away. He takes time after he wakes up to get in his body and shit.
I'm stressed about how little food is in our house. He needs to make 3 sales this week for us to pay bills. It's 4:30. He said he set a big alarm and maybe that's true but I don't see any alarms on his phone.
I went in there and asked about an alarm or something. He asked what time it was and when I said 4:12 he said oh good. So now it's 4:31. He has to get dressed, brush his hair, maybe brush his teeth, and drive to his territory. That's now counting any time he needs to use the restroom, hydrate, eat, whatever.
I am so stressed out. I feel so stupid
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It's stressing me out that he's still napping but I'm choosing to trust him. If I can trust him enough to have sex with him I should trust him enough to manage his time.
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We had sex last night. It was good, fun, loving. I feel very vulnerable this morning.
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He's asleep and the baby is tentatively asleep. I want to talk to him or be close to him or literally anything but, ya know.
It's not his fault. I'm not upset. I've been so angry lately and I know he's trying. Pp
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I know he's too tired to hang out. I don't blame him.
I hope eventually we connect again.
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You know, I used to check her profile every day. Multiple times a day. I used to really agonize over our friendship - at least at the end there.
Maybe she blocked me or maybe she deleted her profile. Either way it's for the best. I can't make someone be friends with me.
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I want to have sex but not with him just because we're so bad and I don't feel safe. I want to have sex without thinking about shit. There's no one I want to do that with, though.
And like, I don't really want to deal with all that right now. So much effort.
But I want to have sex. Hopefully someday.
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