nicole-in-baltimore
Nikki
Transfemale from Maryland. I am a hot mess, but I know who I am. letting the world know who I am is not always the easiest thing to do.
My page is not about sexuality, it is about identity, it is about the strength and confidence it takes for girls like myself to present who they are to the world.
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Who we are as people is not defined by the clothes we wear, the car we drive, or the team we cheer for...it is defined by actions towards others.
Recently I was given the privilege to meet someone that would inspire me through her actions and advice. She had traveled the road many of us are on, and was a person others could rely on to get them through tough times.
On December 27th, just 2 days after opening her home to others that had no where to go for Christmas day she was shot and killed.
Meghan Riley Lewis defined her life by action. I did not have the opportunity to know Meghan well, but in the short time I did know her, she affected me in ways that only those closet to me know.
Meghan's death brought a wave of emotions that I had a hard time dealing with and that difficulty will continue most likely forever. You see, while being Trans means something different for many people, being Trans is dangerous,
The emotions I felt over Meghans death had me so conflicted internally I didn't know how to move forward. I met with @nikkisgirlfriend , my northern star in this journey im taking. She was also an acquaintance with Meg. She understood how I was feeling, and helped me get through the initial overwhelming feeling of giving up hope on who I am and thinking hiding in the shadows may be the best course as well as how society treats others.
After leaving @nikkisgirlfriend for the evening I drove and thought to myself, is being me, who I am worth dying over? Is it worth risking physical harm, emotional harm, or even death?
YES!
So I went out for a drink, to help take my mind off of things and ease the feelings and emotions I was going through.
Continuing on Megs legacy can not be done by hiding in the shadows. While having that drink at a local bar, I was accepted by those around me, and was given a new outlook. Maybe the world does not hate us, maybe it is only a select few and the more positive impact we can have on the world through our actions, maybe the minds of those select few will be opened just enough to realize we are not a threat. We are people that just want to live and survive, just like you.
Meg died fighting for who she was. She did not hide who she was. I dont want to hide either.
#NoHiding
Stay Sparkly Meg
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First encounter with a transwomam in small town Texas.
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A long awaited phone call happened Thursday
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A Guide to a Sunny Life of Gender Fluidity
The Adventure
I started the Tumblr Girls Club as an adventure with no map. Out of pure luck and serendipity I have stumbled on something so much bigger then myself or the gorgeous girls I have learned so much from and with.
The Good
I have discovered so many beautiful, honest, sincere people who shine the light you can only have to share when you have found yourself. I have discovered gorgeous girls in successful places in their life - in careers, in warm and wonderful marriages or single and loving it. They tend to live in liberal cities that have social support structures.
The Bad
But I have found myself fighting back tears (and losing) as I discover the stories of society’s cruelties to the gorgeous, harmless, brave and futuristic girls around the world. Girls abandoned by their families at a young age, beaten, stabbed, mugged, raped, left for dead - not one isolated case but in every continent and in so many countries. Not stories from a magazine or stats you read - but girls right here reading and sharing this along with you, and I have met a new girl like this almost every day but every week many times since starting the club.
The Lonely Ducklings
The most common story I found, almost in everyone I talked to was a loneliness, fear and isolation. Being kept from who you are is crippling, and being afraid of who you are is probably even more so. Girls who are in serious monogamous relationships that don’t know how to talk to their wives or girlfriends or how to get their support. Who feel very alone in their adventures. Trapped (as I was) as hairy men in panties in the bathroom and in fear of their partner’s reaction (who they usually love like i do/did)
THE WORLD *IS* CHANGING
I know I’m the only one who is optimistic about this. But believe me. This is a change we can make. Its a change we are making. Just 20 years ago a girl born in the country side would live her experience in complete isolation. The internet helps us create an instant mesh network. We can support each other, be there for each other, be the social structures that weren’t there yesterday. Today we are here.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE
If nobody else in the world is here for you, then at least I am. You message me. You tell me, you talk to me. It is much much bigger then me, you’ll see. The thousands, the millions, the hundreds of millions of people who support you in becoming yourself. I won’t have it anymore. I WONT. And you don’t know how many people are on my side - SO many gorgeous souls around the world boys or girls old and young who send me messages of pure support. They are here for YOU not me. They are yours not mine. You are not alone, I won’t allow it anymore.
THERE ARE ROADMAPS FOR YOU
I went on this adventure without a map. But i have one or two of them now. And I have found others building maps too. These maps are the ways others like me have found to be gender fluid in a blessed life, full of sun and support and success. The world hasn’t been working on these maps yet. But we are now. And the Girls Club will be discovering them, sharing them and you will all re-map them. We will think we found India when we found the Americas. We will name things wrong and sometimes find ourselves in storms together and sometimes just on the beach in our bikinis in Tulum. That’s OK. Because we are building the new maps and they will become more and more true as they become true for you.
THE FIRST MAPS
I am working first on the maps that are very personal to me. And then the ones that are so adjacent to me, that I have learned so much from others that I can collaborate with them on and help so that many maps get release. The maps rely on two basic principles which seem contradictory but aren’t: WE ARE ALL THE SAME and WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT. They are both true at the same time in a beautiful way. Every human alive is a pervert - with sexual fantasies they are terrified of and hide from everyone they know. That’s just nature and the universe. But we are all different - whether we are comfortable as a boy or a girl or as fluidly moving between the two. Whether we like girls or boys more or serious relationships or being single or being open or any of those permutations - those are where we are like snow flakes again building our own totally unique pasts and futures.
Here’s my first list of maps to work on:
1 - Gender Fluidity for Married Couples
How can you lead your wife to find the safe place to explore the world together, to explore who you both really are. I am in a completely monogomous relationship, I would NEVER EVER cheat and I am married to my dream. But I spent 10 years hiding from her. I think there are a series of conversations and steps to possibly take to get to a safe place for a couple to truly start to know each other and create trust at the same time as incredible excitement. We lead our lives based on narratives we’ve been told that we follow and there are a new set of narratives that are unfolding as much better options.
2 - Working On Your Picker as a Gender Fluid Person
How do we choose which people to give our time to? How do you turn a flirty look in a classroom to a life spent together building a family? How do you know if you can be with a girl you have a crush on or are in love with if you need to be gender fluid and it is a secret? How can you pick the people who support you for who you are and give people a safe, low shock way to be able to understand you and themselves. There are people you need to get away from and never trust inside your life and people who you need to find a way to open up to and build a million times more trust with. There are maps for understanding your options as a gender fluid person that are much better then you might have initially thought.
3 - What (Semi) Straight Dudes Can Do
There are so many men out there, they might classify as dudes or alphas or bulls or just men or guys, who don’t want or need to become gender fluid. But its you, reading this, who knows - you are a compassionate person who has never bred hate but always been open and could never treat someone poorly because they belong to a minority. You read the Star Belly Sneech and you got it. You might think you are a casual outsider looking in. That’s not true. This change is about YOU. You are a leader, a person people listen to. The quiet in the closet support for this is going to change - through you. The mesh network of support we are creating is going to grow - love is a multiplier effect and you will use it to be stronger then the people, your friends and coworkers and family who need you. With humor, with lightiness, with sun with small comments and the way an opinion can be steered you are going to change the world slightly and in every way. And in our private secondary internet identieis you are going to be part of the mesh network that supports gorgeous brave girls in their journeys so they are never alone. Not with you here. Brave, sincere, genuine, a gentlemen who respects women who defends women who fights for women. I fight with you.
written by Andrea - please do send me thoughts, corrections, suggestions and make versions of these that work for your own. make them yours , change them shape them take them spread them.
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