IG : @emperorofmischief

3 seconds into dungeon meshi and they’re already living my dream. i love eating things I ought not in unfamiliar ecosystems

when someone has "taken" in their bio it's bc they've been consumed by the fog

The kid will cherish this for their whole life. If they remember it.

you came back wrong and i am racked with guilt because i cannot bear to see you like this and i should have let you rest. i loved you so much that i defied death itself but i do not think either of us are happy

first time I ever went to the animal shelter and picked out my own animal was surreal. we had so many animals growing up but we never picked out any of them. and sure that’s normal for cats. they just showed up and we adopted them. but it didn’t end there.

we had a ball python because my mom was on a walk with her friends, saw it on the ground (this was Ohio) said “woah! that’s not native!” and put it in her purse. we advertised but never found the owner so we kept the purse python.

we ended up with a corn snake during a hurricane because my mom went out to get one of the cats and the corn snake was so little it came blowing through the air like a branch and my mom reached out and grabbed it out of the air to save it.

actually the point of this post is lost because I typed this far and realized the universe was maybe just sending my mom snakes specifically.

Kindergarteners will be so proud of themselves for being able to draw a triangle. My GPU can draw tens of thousands of those in a second. You are not special.

which is definitely not an omen

top 10 sex positions that will leave naught but ash in your wake

this girl at uni was dressed sooo gay and then i found out she's just straight with a lesbian mom. dykebaiting is not a victimless crime 😔

thesis: calling things "biblically accurate" isnt funny anymore

antithesis: saying "none of these words are in the bible" isnt funny anymore either

synthesis: theres some level of biblical relevance that will make jokes funny but we havent found it yet

q-tip in ear is like evil masturbation to me

"roommate's cat" is the ideal pet. This creature is not my responsibility in any way and I spend zero dollars of my income keeping her alive and she lives in my house and is obsessed with sitting on my lap. Perfect arrangement

I live in the part of the US that could reasonably be called the birthplace of the New Age. Like, people around here aren't just "weird about yoga" I mean I have three Bikram studios within walking distance of me. I mean like the yoga cults around here actively target retirement age white women with disposable income. This happens so often that people talk about yoga cults with the same casual tone as like, someome getting your order wrong at a coffee shop. It's not just an odd occurrence here, it's an industry.

My mom actually had to stop and start yoga several times because the studios kept turning out to be fronts for cults and pyramid schemes.

i think one of the most important things you learn about making connections with others is that a significant portion of the time people just do not know theyre doing what theyre doing