naked mole-rat

To start, I’m generally very bad in grammar so pardon my witty English. I’m not a very good writer, formally speaking, but I do enjoy it tremendously and sometimes I think its because of my incapability to express it vocally or orally. Writing my thoughts down has been one of my earliest coping mechanisms; I have around 10 or more journals (or maybe dairies) on my shelf! I just could not keep my thought to myself huh?

Anyways, the major reason I turn to write is that my head would have these moments where it would just be overwhelmed with all these scattered random thoughts, which sometimes consisting depressive ones, that I have to just compartmentalize it into words and find the root of the cause or the solution of it, and sometimes I don’t know which to even start with. I think that’s the Virgo placement inside of me, wanting things organized, expained, sorted out sometimes I wish I could immerse myself into this madness and chaos in life and not have to worry about it, you know? Ignorance is bliss, but is it? I don’t think the ignoring part is easy, well, for me it isn’t, I don’t ignore things just simply(some might beg to differ) I think acceptance is bliss when you get to just accept the fact that it's not going to change, it's not going to get better or it's not as relevant as you think it is, that’s bliss, but man is that hard.

I can slowly feel my thoughts exiting my brains one by one, the thing about having so much in your mind is that it makes it’s way to your heart, so now not only do you have a crowded mind but an itchy heart, and what sucks is that you don’t even know why your heart feels like that, you just feel it, and that disturbing. Sometimes I just feel like scrambling into my thoughts and just find that one thing that makes my heart feel so... mundane and sad.

People always say its normal for you to feel sad with no reason at all, that it's just your hormones messing you up. Science does ruin the significance of things huh? To believe you're put into this world just for nothing, just to evolve, just to be apart of death statistics? The concept of life, the meaning of it. Religion makes it worthwhile and the fact that you can have answers to question scientists cant answer? Its calming isn’t it, settling in life with a served purpose, not having to find it or contemplate it, just reach out to your local preacher and there you have it! answers to everything. 

I do believe people who solely believe in science are quite? Weird? What? so just because humans are incapable of proving the fact that a particular thing doesn’t exist makes it invalid for it to be considered dedicating your whole life to? Humans are way too flawed to be able to prove anything out off our limit, it's like having a whole colony of naked mole-rat not believing the sense of sight just because it out of their capability.

Maybe we are  just like naked mole rats, but instead of not being able to see sight, were just unable to see God or the “other side”. It doesn’t make a naked mole rat stupid for believing that the sense of sight exists, but hey, I guess some people just lack faith and a sense of believe that something greater than their understanding can exist.

I wouldn’t say im philosophical, but I do question a lot of things, maybe that’s why my heart is never at peace, is the fact that I spend my days contemplating rather than conform to human activities, or emotions. 

The thing about splurging my thoughts is that the motives can sometimes differ, sometimes I feel like writing out anger, sometimes it's just melancholy, and sometimes it's out of not knowing how I feel? Like right now, not having the perfect description of my emotions, just a heavy feeling in my heart, and I just feel like writing out of absolute nowhere.

I think im emotionally constipated at times, and I think its because of my upbringing, but maybe im just not in touch with my feelings as much, I love to just shove whatever I feel down my throat, maybe cause when I was young I was always doing that so now im just doing it by default.

So i guess this is an alternative if im ever too lazy to handwrite anything inside my jounal,so ill just type em out as tumblr blogs! 

Welcome to a place where i pour out my mind out into letters that form into words in which you can digest with your cognitive system for meaning! <3

eid (backward: die)

The satisfaction of my hand pressing against my keyboard motivated me into writing this post. I will be celebrating Eid tomorrow, and for the past years of my teenhood, eid has been such a lonely holiday to me. To elaborate more, I would always just end up playing my phone on a particular couch I practically own and it would just be an atmosphere of daycare because there will be full of screaming running children, but its the only day where I am allowed to express my artistic side without receiving any odd pitiful looks. First, its because im not comfortable with any of my cousins because I am the eldest cousin in the family so the house would just be full of children and also because almost all of my family members from both sides are raised in the traditional enclosed culture. I always feel left out and judged when im around them, they would too feel the same way, by that I mean they would always feel obligated to speak in an urban manner when they're with me, and i find that quite adorable but at the same time uncomfortable to deal with. That is all that I have to let out of my chest about this particular holiday.

the end of a chapter

I do believe that the phrase “start of a new chapter” is overused and is too optimistic, considering the chapter before is being left behind unacknowledged. Every chapter should be cherished and loved before moving forward to a fresh new one, so it does not dust to death by any emotional neglect. We do tend to forget the past like its an achievement, like its MEANT to forgotten, but in reality, it's who we were and we would be nothing without it. it's a hard pill to swallow but its the truth. so I would like to dedicate this first post of mine to my past, that has constructed me to fabricate the being I am today and i will water it with appreciation as I can. 

enjoy having to cognitively process what my mind has to impose xx