A page from The Dick and Jane Children’s Book (North Korean edition):

See the funny, funny wall.

See Joon jump the wall.

Joon has defected.

Uh, Chad? I have a wonderful little surprise for you. I hope you don’t mind, but I invited my eight other sisters to come and visit for a spell. They’ve never seen New York City and I want to take the next month and show them the sights and sounds of the city and told them they could stay here. You don’t mind, do you?

Oh, and we’re going to need the bedroom while they’re here. Could you sleep on the couch? I told my sisters you would have no problem with that.

“Oh, now honey, don’t cry! When you’re pregnant, your hormones get all out of whack!”

“But McDonald’s forgot to put pickles on my Big Mac and I wanted pickles!”

“Honey, listen, I’m an old woman and have gone through this a dozen times being pregnant. Why, one time, I made a grilled cheese and dropped it on the floor and made a mess, and I cried because it was the last slice of cheese that I had.”

Oh, that’s terrible about your home country, Akachi! Growing up there sounded really awful! Your childhood was just rife with trying to survive severe droughts or devastating floods depending on the climate, major epidemics, nation-wide famines thanks to crops failures, not to mention the incredible poverty your people have to endure under a corrupt military regime.

Well, let me tell you how my day went. First, Starbucks not only misspelled my name on the to-go coffee cup, they used 2% milk instead of the skim milk that I requested. Then I couldn’t get a cellphone signal to save my life, and Apple’s customer support service was no help. I had to reset my phone. Then I had to use my daughter’s Honda Civic to drive to work since my BMW is at the shop getting the starter ignition fixed. And it was my turn to bring doughnuts to the office and I completely forgot because I thought it was Wednesday and not Thursday, and my co-workers sniped about it all day. Then I come home and see that little Billy didn’t mow the lawn as part of his chores after school, so I had to take away his iPad until he cut the grass.

Of course, it’s nothing compared to what you grew up with, but, quite frankly, I’m ready for a bubblebath. So how’s the student exchange going for you so far? Are you learning a lot about Americans during your stay with us?

“I’m telling you, Ingrid, with all of this daily power-walking we do together and my rigid dieting, I had better slim down to my pre-pregnancy weight. I’m just saying.”

“I know what you mean, Veronica. The struggle is real. Sometimes I think the only time I’ll have a smoking hot figure is when they cremate my dead body.”

“It’s ok, Trixie! I got the spider! It’s dead.”

“Oh, thank goodness! I swear it just frightened the beejeezus out of me! There I was putting on my makeup over the sink, and when I looked down to get my eye shadow, there he was crawling out from the drain! He was so huge and furry with ugly little eyes and ferocious markings on its torso! Ewwww, I hate spiders!”

“Well, it’s safe now. You can come on down.”

“That poor little fellow probably had a wife and children to feed and they were dependent on him. How are they going to feed themselves? Oh, I feel terrible now! What did you do with the body?”

“I buried it in a misty glen amidst cherry trees that overlooks a babbling brook with wild sweetpea and honeysuckle flowers growing all around his grave.”

“Oh, how sweet! You did?”

“No, Trixie, I flushed the damned thing down the toilet! Now will you get down from there! You’re gonna be late for work!”

MY JOB IS NOT TO WAIT ON YOU HAND AND FOOT WHEN YOU COME HOME FROM WORK! I DON’T THINK I HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO YOU THE IMPORTANCE OF MAINTAINING MY FIVE DIFFERENT RYAN GOSLING BLOGS TO YOU, LARRY! THOUSANDS OF FOLLOWERS ARE RELYING ON ME TO KEEP THEM UP TO DATE DAILY WITH PICTURES, GIFS, AND DELICIOUS NUGGETS OF TANTALIZING INFORMATION CONCERNING HIS LIFE AS BOTH AN ARTIST AND AS A BEAUTIFUL HUMAN BEING! I AM DOING A GREAT PUBLIC SERVICE AND PROUD OF MY WORK THAT PROVIDES HAPPINESS TO SO MANY PEOPLE!

AND, JUST FOR THE RECORD, YOU DON’T ALWAYS WIPE THE SEARCH HISTORY OFF OF THIS LAPTOP. YOU DON’T HEAR ME GETTING ON YOUR CASE ABOUT “SIAMESE KITTIES GONE WILD” AND “PERSIAN PUSSY XXX” THAT YOU SEEM TO VISIT WITH GREAT REGULARITY!

NOW GET OUT AND SHUT THE DOOR AND GIVE ME SOME PEACE AND QUIET! AND IF YOU’RE HUNGRY, THERE’S A LEAN CUISINE FROZEN VEGGIE LASAGNA IN THE FREEZER FOR YOUR DINNER!

Pumpkin had no choice but to unleash his laser vision and destroy the giant killer robot that was rampaging through downtown Tokyo, thus saving millions of lives in the process. Unfortunately, witnesses around him took notice and his secret identity cover was now blown. No more private life. No more trips to the coffee shop for a quick iced vanilla latte without people stopping him on the street. And his Facebook account would probably have a million friend requests by the time he returned home.

“It’s a beautiful piece that I’ve composed. As you can hear, it’s very delicate and gentle, sort of a cross between Pachelbel’s Canon and Schubert’s Ave Maria in D minor. It reminds me of the soft patter of raindrops against a windowpane during a light spring rain. I’m planning on unveiling this new composition at the Chicago Symphony Orchestra next month.”

“It’s very beautiful and quite moving. What are you calling it?”

“Twenty-Six Cats in Heat Howling at 3 AM. I still have to tweak some parts before it’s ready.”

Seriously, Beverly? You invite Sebastian and I as your two best gays down here to show you how to bake a chocolate-raspberry souffle and this is the state of your kitchen? Pots and pans not put away in their proper places! Dirty dishes in the sink! Greasy buildup on the stove and walls! And look at the size of this place! It’s a closet! Gordon Ramsey would not approve, girlfriend. No, ma’am, he would not approve at all! I think he would employ several colorful adjectives and stinging rebukes that would make a fierce and hardened drag queen blush upon hearing them if he saw this kitchen!

“Is that a vintage--”

“Hermes scarf? Why, yes it is!”

Ni hao, Grasshopper, and welcome. We are the guardians of this humble Shaolin temple and have been told to expect you. Walk forth and enter, for Master Kwan has been anticipating your arrival. Remember to bow low, and not to speak unless he directly addresses you. Obey the Master, do not look him squarely in the eye for he will take that as defiance, do all that he commands you to do, and he will teach you much.

Yes, especially the ‘Goat Eats Grass’ defense parry. That’s one of my favorites.

Oooooh, that’s a good one! And so the ‘Drunken Chipmunk Jawbreaker’ attack. That’s a classic.

Not as classic as the ‘Hurricane Rabbit Three-Fist Exploding Head’ technique.

That is indeed a classic technique. Messy, but classic.

Let us not keep this eager acolyte waiting. Go forth, for the Path of Wisdom awaits you! And may it forever be straight and free of sharp pebbles underfoot!

Hey, Frank! How’s the mescaline? Is it kicking in yet? Can you feel it altering your state of min--

“Come on, Pepper! Play with the toy ball inside your new kitty tube!”

“Let me see if I understand you correctly. You want me to act a damn fool and play with a stupid plastic ball inside a nylon fire hazard for YOUR amusement? Let me inform you of something, Kimberly. We cats come from a continent of kings and queens. And we are the creation of the cat goddess, Bast, the mightiest of all of the Egyptian gods. Just remember that next time before you try to dangle a piece of string in front of you and expect me to act like some damned fool and play with it. There is a quality called dignity that I will maintain. I was not put on this planet to be the amusement of someone else, especially a human. Remember, kings and queens, Kimberly.”

“Oh, Pepper, I'd thought you would enjoy--”

“Kings and queens, Kimberly! And Pepper is my human property-slave name that I will no longer respond to. From this time forward, you will call me Khaldun, which means eternal in Arabic, oppressive human.”

Uh, Agatha? I discovered your secret marijuana patch behind the jasmine bushes way off in the back of the garden. Would you care to explain what a 92 year-old elderly woman is doing growing marijuana?

Howard felt the double vodka martini reacting with his Xanax, and right now he was feeling really good.

Nuh-uh! Rochelle thought as she walked away. Screw that shit! She had seen enough racist horror movies to know that when a bunch of horny college kids enter a foreboding, haunted house, one of the first ones to die were the ones who were black. Rochelle decided to leave the others to their horrible fates, go home, call her sister, pop some popcorn, and maybe watch Empire while painting her toenails.