CIEL PHANTOMHIVE ✧･ﾟHIS BUTLER, PLOTTING

“Please stop destroying what is left of your heart by constantly thinking about things that have broken you.”

— Unknown

js remember my arms n dms r open to u always, i love u very much lexi <3

stop ur the cutest :( thank chu

alexi? are u okay baby how’re u feeling? :c

i think i’m okay boo thank you (‘: (i managed to sleep a little longer) but that nightmare fucked with me a little sigh

i can’t keep having the nightmares.

"Are you ok?" I'm actually tired bro. From the bottom of my heart I'm tired

It was April and she was the saddest thing under the sun.

Khush Bakht via wordedarchive

-Rumi

there is such a trauma to daughterhood. it comes from the lack of agency - not only from being born as a woman but existing in the world as a child. an oppression on top of an oppression. people make jokes about girls with daddy issues but nothing compares to the kind of trauma you recieve from having a complicated relationship with your mother. people talk about it so often. and it's one thing to have a mother who hates you which is always awful, but often it feels worse to have a mother who doesn't. to have a mother who is simply exhausted by the fact you were born. a mother who doesn't hate you, but loves her men more. a mother who maybe wanted to be a mom, once, and then came to realize what a thankless job it was. and she didn't want to hate you, but it was hard to love you and even harder to like you. a mother who doesn't hate you exactly, but never outgrows her desire to be attractive and beautiful and makes you her enemy in that way. or a mother who has nothing more to her than being a mother and clings to coddling you in a way thats suffocating. so many daughters develop deep empathy for the mothers because they were women, daughters, girls once. everyone deals with it differently. but at the end of it, you still need a mother and that is the most horrible and wretched part of all. the trauma of being alive, of being a woman, and of having a mother but still needing one. such a uniquely miserable feeling

to you, it’s a shitty sentence. to some random bitch 500 miles away, it’s a fire line that’ll haunt them for the next 17 years.

you don’t know how impactful your writing is because it’s been in your brain for far too long now. you’ve stared at it for hours and repeated “this sucks” over and over again to the point that you killed your capacity to feel anything about your work.

but trust me, once you get your shit out there, someone’s gonna go over that paragraph you hate and go “jesus fucking christ” and put the book down to have an existential crisis.

all i wanna do is lie in the sun!!!! read my books!!!! daydream about fictional scenarios!!!!! love without fear of abandonment!!!!!! smell like vanilla!!!!!!! cry over great poetry!!!!! sit on the grass for hours on end!!!!! not care about how others perceive me!!!!!! find god in the smallest of things!!!!! be free of guilt and shame!!!!

Branch of Purple Lilacs - Maria Geertruida Barbiers-Snabilié

here we go again??? like does everyone just have an alarm called “go vent to alexi w/o even hello” ??? it’s amazing how i crawled so quick to support n’ reassure a friend i know is struggling this evening but this mf? when you ignore my communication, i will not show the same treatment

i’m so fucking tired of people just coming to me when they want to fucking vent oh my god. no hello, nothing, just straight up dumping it on me. what happened to asking if the other person is okay with hearing your vent? i’ll always be here for my friends but fuck i’m struggling i cannot give my all to being the supportive mom/big sister friend people always want me to be. i’m tired, i’m numb, i’m sleeping all the time again and not caring for myself. but yes, please come into my dms and start dumping it on me and expect me to say more than “i’m sorry bestie”

@soleillunne

Dr. Ratio vs. Warp Trotter