AZAKA HOLMES AND THE PERILOUS PEGGING OF MIKIYA KOKUTOU
Fill for the “A whodunit on who pegged Mikiya” and “I feel like Azaka/[Ryougi] Shiki has comedy potential, whether or not Mikiya is involved” prompts.
Needless to say, crack fic ahead. The format is ripped off from the SCP wiki’s Murphy Law stories.
Also, the Shiki here it’s Shiki Ryougi, not SHIKI Ryougi. It’s just that the format uses capitalized character names.
[AZAKA HOLMES AND THE PERILOUS PEGGING OF MIKIYA KOKUTOU]
FADE IN
The scene is set up at the Garan no Dou office. MIKIYA is lying on the floor, mumbling something incomprehensible with a remarkably stupid face. SHIKI and AZAKA watch with a worried look. TOUKO is too busy smoking and reading important-looking papers.
AZAKA: Good buddhist heavens! What happened to you?
MIKIYA: pe-pe-pe…
AZAKA covers her mouth in horror.
AZAKA: Oh no… no… the shock… the physical damage… this can only mean one thing… he’s been… pegged.
A dramatic music sting plays.
SHIKI: doesn’t look too bad, maybe he could just use some rest?
AZAKA looks at SHIKI with a surprised look.
AZAKA: …you know what pegging is, right?
SHIKI: Some western dining tradition?
AZAKA looks at SHIKI in sheer disbelief. She turns around to face TOUKO.
TOUKO: If you want to tell her, you’re on your own.
AZAKA looks at SHIKI again, and opens her mouth.
SCENE CHANGE
The scene is set in the Garan no Dou office, except the place is covered in slash marks. AZAKA and TOUKO are hiding in strange humanoid metal contraptions. SHIKI is disheveled and breathing heavily while holding a knife. MIKIYA is still on the floor, now asleep.
TOUKO: …I told you the Nokia phone body armors weren’t a waste of money.
TOUKO takes off her armor and resumes sitting on her desk, doing unspecified but surely important work. AZAKA also removes her gear and approaches SHIKI.
AZAKA: …have you calmed down now?
SHIKI: Only externally. I’m going to find out who did… that thing to him, and kill them.
A dramatic music sting plays.
AZAKA: No, we are going to find out. Your usual method of “stabbing the problem” won’t work if we don’t know what the problem is.
The camera focuses on AZAKA, who stares at the audience.
AZAKA: (whispering) besides, I’ll get to prove to Mikiya that I’m a much suitable partner than Mrs. Giant Enemy Crab Vision there by virtue of rationality.
SHIKI: …just because the camera is focusing on you doesn’t mean I can’t hear you.
AZAKA: There’s no time! Think! What kind of degenerate monster could possibly do this?
SCENE CHANGE
The scene is set up in a dimly lit alleyway with the usual KnK chiaroscuro style. Which pretty much means any alleyway in Mifune city.
SHIKI: You sure this is the right place?
AZAKA: Yes. I don’t know what exactly, but something tells me he is here.
SHIKI and AZAKA walk into a menacing vacant building. The camera scrolls up to reveal a neon sign displaying the text “UNCLE SHIRAZUMI’S UTTERLY AWESOME AND DEFINITELY LEGAL DRUG EMPORIUM (please don’t come with the police)”.
SHIKI and AZAKA walk inside the building, revealing an expectable dimly lit interior. LIO is seen sorting some boxes. He turns around and jumps at the sight of the two clearly mentally stable girls.
LIO: OH SH…! Nothing to see here! Just… selling drugs and… stalking someone who is totally not in this room with me at this very instant while I say these very words!
AZAKA: Cut the chatter, you girly junkie werewolf-wannabe! Today you pay for your crime!
LIO looks at AZAKA in confusion.
LIO: …which one?
SHIKI: Can we get to the part where I kill him?
AZAKA walks up to LIO and grabs him by his shirt’s collar.
AZAKA: Don’t play silly with me, you walking definition of degeneracy!
LIO: …at least I’m not into incest…
AZAKA punches LIO in the face.
SHIKI: …gotta say, that was a pretty good punch.
AZAKA: Thanks! Your history speaks for yourself, Shirazumi! Drug dealing! Cannibalism! Voyeurism! Staking Shiki! Listening to nightcore!
SHIKI: Wait what?
AZAKA: Once a scum, always a scum. Now, talk. Why did you peg Mikiya?
LIO: WHAT! Look, I might be a drug dealer and a cannibal serial killer, but I got limits! Besides, who knows what magic hazards Touko has set up for intruders at your lair!
SHIKI loses interest and goes outside.
AZAKA: Denying the crime, aren’t we?
AZAKA throws LIO into the floor, and walks to a door that seems suspicious because it’s the one that is closer to her.
AZAKA: bet you are keeping pictures and recordings of your despicable actions in there!
LIO: NO! DON’T OPEN THAT DOOR!
AZAKA opens the door. She enters a dark storage room. AZAKA turns on the lights, revealing industrial amounts of Shiki Ryougi doujins, perfectly organized in racks. AZAKA’s jaw drops to whatever the actress can manage without requiring medical attention after filming. LIO enters the room, shaking in fear.
LIO: …please don’t tell her…
AZAKA: I won’t. Not because I care about you, but because I’m scared of the possible consequences of telling her.
LIO: Look, I did not do anything degenerate towards Mikiya… today. I was sorting these for hours.
AZAKA sighs and leaves through the door. The camera focuses on the door for a while. AZAKA quietly returns.
AZAKA: …do you have any lesbian orgy ones?
LIO: Sorry, I sold the only one today.
SCENE CHANGE
SHIKI and AZAKA walk through the hallways of the Mifune City hospital.
AZAKA: …we can discard Fujino since she never approached Mikiya despite seemingly being in love with him and has not even attempted to talk to him. Which can only mean two things: one, she’s scared shitless of you. Two, she has entered the vast and complex yuri ecosystem of Reien Girl’s Academy.
SHIKI: Those two aren’t mutually exclusive.
AZAKA: Now, with Miss “What do you call the middle of a song?” out of the least, we are left with only one possible suspect!
AZAKA kicks a door open. The camera switches to a hospital room. KIRIE is laying in bed, and looks at the general direction of our heroines of subjective justice.
KIRIE: You could have knocked…?
SHIKI: It would have taken at least two minutes for you to get in your wheelchair and open the door.
KIRIE: …good point…
AZAKA quickie rushes towards KIRIE, and grabs her by the collar.
AZAKA: Your days are numbered, you Stand User wannabe!
KIRIE: …they already are… you know, terminal illness and…
AZAKA: We have no time to hear the excuses of criminals!
KIRIE covers her face and trembles.
KIRIE: …I’m sorry… those girls… I didn’t know what I was doing… and I… made them jump…
AZAKA: Who cares about your gravitational conga line? This is about you pegging Mikiya!
KIRIE: …I didn’t do that!
AZAKA: That’s what a criminal mastermind would say!
SHIKI: She doesn’t look very “criminal” to me… more like pathetic, actually.
KIRIE: I didn’t do that! I couldn’t bring myself to even hurt Mikiya… beyond accidental soul-sealing…
SHIKI: …besides, don’t you need a physical body for pegging?
AZAKA lets go of KIRIE. A frustrated look can be seen on her face.
AZAKA: Damn it! I was sure it was her!
SHIKI: Doubt it. She can barely do anything but whine. Let’s go home, I don’t have the time for weak people.
Suddenly, a pillow is thrown at SHIKI’s face with surprising force. KIRIE stands up on her bed with an atypical furious look. AZAKA stared in disbelief.
KIRIE: WEAK? YOU THINK YOU ARE SO STRONG AND HAVE RIGHT TO BE A GLOOMY BORDERLINE PSYCHO TO EVERYONE BESIDES MIKIYA BECAUSE YOU LOST ONE PERSON CLOSE TO YOU AND SPENT TWO YEARS IN A COMA! I LOST ALL OF MY FAMILY AND ROTTED ALIVE HERE FOR TEN YEARS! THE IDEA OF MIKIYA TAKING CARE OF ME WAS THE ONLY THING THAT KEPT ME GOING! BUT NO, HE HAS TO BE ALL YOURS! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE? A FUCKING SHELTERED CHILD WHO HAPPENS TO BE GOOD AT STABBING THINGS!
KIRIE drops down to her bed, breathing heavily. SHIKI drops her knife and leaves the room with a shocked expression.
AZAKA: …holy shit.
SCENE CHANGE
AZAKA and SHIKI enter the Garan no Dou office. AZAKA looks defeated, while SHIKI keeps her usual stoic anime Squidward attitude.
AZAKA: …well, today was a waste of time.
SHIKI: Yeah, I didn’t get to kill anything.
MIKIYA walks in the room. He approached AZAKA.
MIKIYA: Sis, are you ok?
AZAKA: Mikiya… I failed you… I couldn’t find out who pegged you.
MIKIYA: What? I just tripped on a loose floorboard.
AZAKA: But you were muttering something that began with “pe”!
MIKIYA: Oh right! “Perilous flooring”!
AZAKA faints while cheery music plays.
SHIKI: Can I kill the floorboard?
THE END
A MUSHROOM YAKUZA PRODUCTION
STARRING
SHIKI RYOUGI as THE ANIME HASH SLINGING SLASHER
AZAKA KOKUTOU as INCESTUOUS SHERLOCK
MIKIYA KOKUTOU as SERIOUSLY WHY IS EVERYONE IS THIS DAMN SHOW IN LOVE WITH HIM IS HE SOME SORT OF PLATONIC INCUBUS
LIO SHIRAZUMI as RESPECTFUL BUSINESS OWNER
KIRIE FUJOU as ACTUALLY GETS TO TO SOMETHING BESIDES SUFFERING
TOUKO AOZAKI as HERSELF
No doors were harmed during the making of this movie.
AFTER CREDITS SCENE
We see TOUKO tamper with the floor, loosening one floorboard. The scene cuts to SHIKI and AZAKA leaving while MIKIYA drags himself to the infirmary. TOUKO inspects the room.
TOUKO: …all alone.
TOUKO walks to a safe and opens it, revealing a lesbian orgy doujin starring Shiki Ryougi. She begins to read it.
TOUKO: …worth every penny.
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