you don't have to read all this really just a rant tbh

I lived in a 5 bedroom house with a large family, lots of siblings.  My father got a divorce from his first wife when I was very young and married his second wife when I was about 5.  My father had 3 girls and my step mom had a girl and a boy, together they had a girl and a boy.  My two younger siblings were born when I was about 7 and 8.  My younger brother and I did not get along and I would get into trouble a lot for hurting him even though he would antagonize me until I hit him and then he would tell on me.  I did a lot of things just to get my parents’ attention because I felt like they did not care about me and I just wanted them to love me.  I struggled a lot with depression because I did not have a lot of friends at school and was not allowed to go out anywhere except if my parents were with me.  My step sister was not very nice to me as a child and that didn’t help with my depression because whenever my parents were away she was in charge and she usually made me and my older sister stand in a corner while her and my oldest sister had fun together.  But now we have a good relationship so that’s good at least!  At school I was an outcast no one really liked me except for a few people so I grew to be mean to everyone who tried to get close to me therefore only making my classmates hate me more.  I created this sort of force field around myself that no one could penetrate so by the time I met the man I intended to marry I was already so damaged.  He didn’t see it and I liked that he didn’t know anything about who I was and so I became very attached to him and did not want to let him go.  Which led to us getting married the summer after I graduated high school.  We got an apartment together, we worked our jobs and we hung out, getting to know each other.   After about a year of marriage we had a beautiful baby boy and that is when my depression, anxiety, and panic disorder got worse.  My insomnia came back and not because the baby kept me up at night, because he slept really well.  I am not really certain why I had insomnia but some days I would stay awake until 8am unable to sleep and I would just lie there.  I would try several things to help me sleep with nothing helping me.  Soon I fell into a deep depression again and my husband had no sympathy towards me in fact I felt like he was making it worse because he would just tell me to stop acting like such a bitch and other things. After having our second child my husband started to be a little nicer to me and he would actually help with the kids sometimes so I thought it was going to get better but then he just went back to his old ways of verbally and even sometimes physically abusing me. I mostly stay with him because I don’t want to lose custody of my kids…well that’s what I tell myself anyway. I know that no judge in their right mind would side with him since I have physical evidence of his abuse towards me. I guess the real reason I stay is because I feel like I will never be able to find someone who truly loves me and will treat me and my kids the way that we should be treated. Honestly though maybe I deserve this because of how horrible I have been to everyone. My kids on the other hand deserve better since they never asked for any of this. I wish I could be strong enough to leave for them. I fear that I won’t even be able to leave until they are older and by that time they’ll probably be so damaged that it won’t even be worth leaving because it won’t make any difference. I know that makes me a really bad mom I wish that I could have seen the future and just not had any kids it was honestly such a selfish thing for me to do I just wanted someone to love me and instead of leaving my current partner and searching for a new partner I decided to just make some kids and have them as my companions. I wish that God had never given me any kids because I really don’t deserve to have them. I cry every night thinking about how they will have to grow up in this house and how I grew up and that I am doing the exact same thing to my kids by not leaving my husband.