Jersey

The other day someone asked what’s the vibe of New Jersey?

 I couldn’t answer it properly. Being from there and running away as soon as I graduated Highschool marks me moving out almost 16 years ago. It was so hard as a teenager. 

   My single dad had two jobs and didn’t know how to be domestic. What so ever. He was trying; and it really counted to have a parent stick around no matter how difficult everything around him was. We had to help him and slowly he learned how to use a crockpot, iron, and go buy me tampons because I was too embarrassed the day I got my period. 

   He’s polish & czech. The two most unemotional cultures I’ve ever seen. But they’re solid. And show love through god, smiles, their openness, and food & probably beer. 

    Those were my parents. Night and Day, Hot and Cold, Loud and quiet. For sure Filipino and American. 

    Other than the quietness of suburban life New Jersey. Growing up with the same people & having nothing to do. Is something I’ve quite missed since I’ve lived in the city this long.  I was a dorky girl back then. Sure I wore Abercrombie and fitch, uggs, and made my parent buy me a northface backpack. Sure I got a name plate that my dad was so resistant to buying me. I of course got tips on my nails, but gladly never did it again,because I couldn’t open my locker. 

    The best thing that happened from sp was that I have friends in my life I’ve known since kindergarten. 

    We don’t have a bar, you have to get Asian food in Edison, and most people that are my age have more than one child. Not all just most. 

    Unfortunately, I hope it subsided but there are the cool kids. Kids who’s parents let them have parties in their houses. They’re cool and do drugs. But some of the cool kids don’t come back from it, a very much a sad road.

     You are your friends’ and it’s a small town where you can really choose your destiny by choosing them. I was friends with everyone. So I almost went down so many wrong paths. Atleast I weened it out and found the right ones before getting out. 

    You’re insecure. Especially when your mom just died and you’re trying to be the perfect daughter because you want so badly for things to be normal. You have ADHD and getting good grades is a nightmare because you can’t focus enough to study. The only thing you can focus on is watching tv and escaping. So you join volleyball and you’re really terrible but you commit. And even if your team is bad something happens to you when you’re the girl who doesn’t miss one game or practice. So I really thank that, my smart friends, and leaving because at that moment in my life I was going through so much pain I needed to try my best to forget and create a good life. 

    But for this vibe, if I’m gonna be positive. I had a beautiful large house and was near all my family, I went to school on tax dollars and did sports, I had air quality and pleasures of doing nothing, you have room to look up at the sky and watch airplanes or see the moon, there are hikes, and to be honest, I could only have a different bond with people from NJ. Because for me who else could understand me better? But there are traits they have that need to subside. Which will probably only happen through getting out of jersey. Even if it’s just once in a while.

Winter

     I always hated winter. My mom hated winter. We get sick in the winter and are anemic so we’re always cold, and get the flu easily. And for when she was a live and what I do for a living, the amount of money you make drops in the winter. When I turned 9 my mother would go to the Philippines every winter. She was in real estate so her business was slow and she wanted to get out of the cold. She said her cough would go away as long as it was warm. 

   When I was little I used to always say that the only good thing about winter was skiing, and then when I turned 14 I would say the only good thing was snowboarding. There's ice skating, hot chocolate, Christmas, and snow tubing. We had a vacation home in the Poconos and utilized it for skiing trips.    

    Finally in 2017 I escaped winter moving to La in the thick of winter in January. Then after 3 winters in a row living in LA, I missed the seasons. I actually missed the cold, maybe a day with it. I was so tired of the day being beautiful everyday. Who would've thought, but the desert got to be too much. When I was living in LA I would hide out in "bourgeois pig", the darkest coffee shop in Hollywood. Just to escape all that light.  

    When I moved back to New York, I thought Oh brother winter is coming, and my first winter in New York was the Pandemic. So it was brutal. We atleast made money with the covid-relief while hospitality workers weren't able to work.

  I remember in February 2020, right before the shutdown, I went to LA with sorority sisters and my ex, and I got to see everyone I had left in 2019, so my trip was exhausting. However, the amount we were working, the small apartments in Brooklyn, and just being super stuck in the city in the freezing cold.

 I really wanted to leave and we organized a trip. Then when we got back, bam, the pandemic hit.   

    Everything in life really fell apart. It took a lot of energy to put it back together. The following winter February 2021 I went to Dominican Republic with friends. Then the following winter December 2021 I went to DR for a wedding, and it was a week long, but when I got back the winter deadness, depression, lack of money and lack of work really hit, stuck in my small apartment feeling the winter blues would happen and I just had to go to therapy. 

   I didn't have the money to leave the country or to flee to the west coast, but I had insurance that covered this so I talked through my winter blues. Which were actually decades and decades of blues. So I talked to her for a good 6 months and was like you know what, I never want to feel the winter blues like I did last time I'm going to leave for the whole winter. 

    Now, it wasn't the whole winter because that is really really difficult. I planned all summer to take this amazing trip. To LA North Hollywood --> Manila Philippines-->Siargao P.I-->Sydney Au -->layover in Hawaii--> LA ktown --> Palm Springs--> San Diego --> Home. December 24- February 15. 7 weeks. I really started buying tickets in June. It was enough time to plan a perfect trip and transition out of my old life into the new. 

   The best part is I stayed with people everywhere I went because I have family and close friends in these parts of the world. My acting friend who has a family, my brother, and entire mom's side of the family, plus doing adventures like surfing and swimming in Siargao, seeing a friend I knew since kindergarten in his new home in Sydney and getting to go to his amazing birthday party, and going to beaches like Manly Beach or Bondi Beach, (where when you go under water you feel like a marine biologist) and in ktown I stayed with my old roommate, where we felt like roommates again, and in Palm Springs I actually did a Bachelorette party for my friend, and saw cousins & An Aunt I haven't seen in forever which was really nice, and finally seeing my close friend who now lives in San Diego and my best friend who also lives there. So I was busy, not working!, and connecting, importantly enough I was connecting to myself and I got rid of those winter blues. 

    It wasn't easy, It was a reset, had to find a new job and that was a blessing, I was away from my boyfriend whom I missed terribly and he had a hard time in the winter, and I needed to travel to self-soothe because I didn't like where I was stuck in life. I wasn't happy with work, or my habits, or myself. Travel allowed me to just stop and just live, and the weeks go fast, but then you realize in 1 work day all the cool things you can accomplish. 

     Anyway this post isn't about my amazing winter in the Philippines. It's about the past winter that is just ending right now. 

    I changed my high stress, high paid, dead winter job and got a couple chill jobs. I finally moved out of Bushwick, a highly congested area with small apartments that are falling apart, even if they look modern, for our own apartment that's spacious in Queens. Dom and I think,  how did take us so long to move to Queens. This winter I quit drinking. Not the whole winter but I did it for 2 straight months and it did feel amazing. Your sugar intake does increase. I didn't like who I was and I also could not afford drinking in NYC anymore. I could not. 

    So I filled my time with yoga, kickboxing, aerial yoga, good dinners, shows, and learning languages. I would discover museums The Met, Picking up dog sits, like we did on Christmas. I love checking out galleries too. Another thing is this winter, this year, my boyfriend works a lot, and when he finally has days off and we finally get to spend time together; it’s quality time together. No stress, no running around, not a million people. just us and just us only. 

     When you're in your 30's and you have friends that are married who are starting their families. When you’re at a stage where you finally don’t have roommates, no kids, you don't even have a dog, so you get plants and a fish. Priorities shift. I like being home, I wana see my family or my boyfriend, you stop prioritizing your friends, and start prioritizing jobs you enjoy and focus on healthy hobbies like yoga. I wana read. I realized the beauty of New York in the winter is this. No lines, not many people, you can take a class on anything, try Groupon, you discover so many shows, eating out you can get in and out easy. This time I didn’t leave for 7 weeks just left for 1 week. San Diego, LA, and Phoenix. To be honest it was a great trip because I realized LA isn’t the vibe for me anymore. I really enjoyed Phoenix, Arizona. I want intimate nights at home, hiking, nature, good food, and good vibes. My 20’s are really over. My head and my heart tell me that. 

   I’m glad to know when you’re busy with the right stuff and in the right situation. Winter isn’t that bad. I also figured out my chronic sickness was because I hated my job. Life is way too short for that. The drinking was also from high stress. It really will come down to taking care of yourself and your needs. Then you can survive winter. You can probably survive anything.

Puti 

     One time, I was with my old coworker at my old job and we were just talking. He was raised half in Brooklyn and half in Asia. I told him I was half Filipino and by looking at me, I  obviously look Caucasian. He looked at me and said, I wish I had a white dad. I reacted, and said, “excuse me? What does that even mean?

    He said, “you know what I mean a chill not so strict white dad that lets you do whatever you want.” I’ve never really thought about it until that moment. He wasn’t wrong. My dad was chill, not strict, and let me be on my own from a young age. Where I really did need structure. We were all surviving at the time but I lost the disciplined, strict, hard to deal with Asian parent that really cares about taking care of you. 

    A lot of my life I resented him for not being that way. I was home a lone since he worked a lot. He let me stay at my friend’s place for days, I went to college and although most of my life I thought I planted the seed that I was going to be a nurse. That when it didn’t work out, he didn’t yell at me for it. He was totally okay with me following my dreams and my passion, even though I didn’t know what that was. Just as long as I didn’t need him to survive. He helped me out until I turned 21 but after that I couldn’t live at home nor did I see any money, even if I was broke. I mean we agreed, I’d get some help with bills until I got a degree and then that was the moment I became an adult. 

     This Asian kid that wishes he had a white dad, still lived at home. & we don’t really talk but he might still live at home, and the money he makes is for something else. Maybe to one day own property, a business, or go to school. Or maybe he just spends it on alcohol and drugs. (I don’t think so, he’s respectful and smart, but he could). Or maybe he sends money home to Asia. But he is taken care of to an extent. He will probably never worry about paying rent on time or ever as long as he’s there. But he has to clean the house, maybe has a curfew, and has to obey his parents. Like they may have to approve of his girlfriend, or maybe what he chooses to study, maybe he has to help out family. 

    The one thing I could say is without that push of being kicked out. Would I be as self sufficient as I am today? Like if my mom never passed away. She was really there for us and I feel she would still she support me. Taking care was her nature and she did it well. Would I be a nurse? Even though seeing blood makes me want to vomit? Would I be an obedient kid. My mom hated winter and wanted to live in Florida or go back to the Philippines. Would I finish high school in the Philippines? Or Florida?

    A lot was cut off from my life when she died, it was too sad. Filipino parties, our family friends, and I remember feeling she was gone. No more parties, or Christmas, or home cooked Filipino food. 

    Maybe I’d just lose that identity, if it weren’t for my siblings, it really may would have dissipated. That if my family was small, I would remember it solely if I met another Filipino person, and that would always make me sad. Our family is tight knit but that’s only half of me. In Filipino culture, we always think of family. Money there is different, you can make it if you have your own business or come from a wealthy family. 

    However, people don’t work like we do here. We put work over everything here. They have a strong sense of community. Stressing and living paycheck to paycheck  is non existent, I assume. Over there you live with your family. & Family values is the big thing I appreciate about being Filipino. 

     If you ever watched the movie “Fools Rush In” with Mathew Perry (rip )and Selma Hayek. About two people who don’t know each other and are having a baby together. She’s Mexican And he’s Caucasian. She says “family to you is getting through a holiday once a year”. Some families that is their culture. We work a lot, we’re tired, wana get drunk with our friends and keep it light.

    Some families have a party every weekend with good food and good times. They fight but live together. They are codependent. And there is a balance between my polar opposite sides. 

     My balance for myself has been New York. The place where it’s easy to have your own identity. Hop jobs, and groups of people, you never have to have the same meal twice in this city. Sometimes you can even forget your old identity. Maybe for a second. 

    Now I just wana hone everything. Hone the artist identity, the entrepreneur, hustler, socialite, friend, the filmmaker, the concierge. Because really the things I love to do I really love to do. I’m thankful for the opportunity to make that consistent in my life. That has actually been valuable to me. I also will always know even though I have my boyfriend and a few good friends where I know I could stay on their couch. 

    However I know….That if I ever mess up. Not make enough money to pay my bills or lose a job or jobs. Or am stuck financially. From taxes, stocks, or anything like that. Nobody will save me. And weirdly enough that is a comforting place to be. 

    Because if nobody saves you, the less likely you are to mess up. You have to rely on you. It makes me an overall reliable human. I designed my entire life from scratch, so if things don’t work out, I really don’t have anyone else to blame. 

    It makes me think when I have kids. When would I stop taking care of them. Is it right after highschool, or college, is there a limit. Is there a way to communicate that they have to be on their own. It seems difficult but transparency is probably the best way. The way to do it, I don’t know if there’s ever a safe way but either way it must be done at some point. 

    I also think, if my mom, the woman who was so good at taking care of me was still around. I would’ve given her a big hug and leave her when the time was right. Only to come back to let her know what I was accomplishing and to let her know I am fine. Right now I just get to tell my dad, things are really hard but I’m getting through it, and he will always say “that is great”, like the chill dad he is.

Not Drinking

    I’ve been a drinker since Highschool. It started with cheap booze, there wasn’t much to do as a kid, and this is how we had fun. We drank 40’s, Baccardi, 4 l0ko, hypnotiq, Majorska. Anything cheap. Cheap and gross and as I moved to New York my taste got better. It started out gross, tolerance was super low, I always got sick; but I kept at it and kept elevating from being a promoter, to rushing a sorority, to working in hospitality and always being surrounded by alcohol. Where even though I was in school and working, I always looked forward to a good party.   

     Night clubs, dives, rooftops, brunch, dinners, drinks. When I turned 26, I started working in the bar industry from the hotel industry as a part time gig. A typical actor/ writer survival job. I started out as a bar back in West Hollywood. Partying in LA is different. I learned about mezcal, fernet, & craft cocktails. Where bartenders weren’t just bartenders but chefs. Making recipes, with fresh juices, different bitters, egg whites and people loved it. Each Bartender was a character. The lovable one, the one who knows the  history of the spirit, the perfectionist who is also an asshole. They all played their bit. 

     If you tell people that you work in a bar and mind you I had a day job with benefits too. People who’ve never done it feel bad for you. The work is really physical.    

    Especially bar-backing, I was super fit and fast. I don’t think I could do that again. But to be honest, I would work a couple days and make $500 bucks in tips and actually afford living in LA. When working at a desk, concierge, or in production just wasn’t taking care of my bills a lone. I needed supplemental income. Especially getting paid every 2 weeks, nah it wasn’t cutting it. I didn’t go to LA to be a hotel manager, which pays more but is extremely time consuming,  I went to pursue dreams and experience the west coast. Travel. Which is exactly what I did. 

   That little bar-back gig led to working at a bar in a big hotel full time in New York City when I was done with LA. 

    I loved partying, getting together with friends, I used to love going out til 6 am, and in LA we got out at midnight and would party til it closed, got to a taco truck, slept and tried to go for a hike in the morning. 

    It was all fun until the hangovers, your tolerance started increasing, and losing control where you make a million resolutions because you feel so sick the next day. Also , the embarrassment for blacking out, getting sick, and spending too much money. 

    Even being aware of this,  you know it’s a bad habit. I used to think,  if I live a really healthy life I could keep partying. I could juice, cook, work out, study theater and filmmaking, work hard to pay my bills and drink with my coworkers, friends, or whoever wants to party. It was linked to everything. 

    Film screening —> party, after a performance —> party, birthday party, holiday party, rough shift, and it became a lifestyle. Work hard party hard. The bars were beautiful and actually looked like a movie set. 

     Partying is great, partying is partially how I make a living, but partying was also ruining my  life. We all see addictions. It makes you gain weight. Cravings get intense, where alcohol is your main escape. Maybe escaping the tiring demands of your job. Family issues, relationship issues, or maybe you just like it, which I felt was my problem. 

    I’m not escaping anything I just love getting lit. Maybe you have anxiety which it gives you anxiety. But even with all that I was accomplishing. The things I set out to do were getting done, however the bad feelings I got, were because alcohol. There’s a come down. 

     I realized slowly no matter how healthy I was I couldn’t be “actually healthy” while I kept drinking. I couldn’t afford it and my body didn’t want to handle it anymore so I had a show, had a few birthdays to go to, and gave it up for 2 months cold turkey. From Nov 1st- Jan 1st. Longest I’ve gone straight. 

    2 months doesn’t seem like a lot but for a New Yorker tempted everywhere she goes; it is. You feel better, you don’t spend as much money, you do get bored. Like really bored. So bored I was binge watching 2 shows and 2 rom coms at the same time where this month I gave up watching shows. I know I  can’t just go cold turkey with no vice. 

    So I’m trying healthy things like kick boxing and drawing. I have a script to write, I should audition. Focus on yoga and being present. Reading. 

    I was in a situation a couple years ago where drinking numbed the pain I was in. After working or to feel better I would book trips. I would reward my self with a drink, food, traveling. For all the hard work I did, I deserved it.  

   Buying stuff for people to feel important, to validate my own self, that when I cut out the drinking and cut out my toxic job; I don’t have those issues anymore. I guess my issues now are just bettering myself. 

    I always did a lot of everything. I have to put out as much content as possible, make as many friends as possible, audition, have multiple jobs, and the city just gets so exhausting. 

     I even had a thought when I stopped drinking, it was my 30 day mark. I thought “wow I actually like New York City without alcohol.” Maybe it was because I wasn’t spending 300 bucks every weekend or had hangovers anymore. I enjoy the city a lot without alcohol or the pressures of being an actor. That’s another thing with drinking there’s pressure because if you don’t go out maybe you’ll lose your social life. I find myself in my 30s with someone I love and do I care about having a social life? Eh. When I need one I’ll organize something. 

    We think a lot about what we’re doing here in New York, why do we deal with so much to live here, are we fulfilling our purpose? I don’t know what I’d be doing in the suburbs probably coming here to work. So living here is just fine because it’s convenient, and if you really look, there’s plenty to do, even if you don’t drink. I love not driving and everything being at my disposal.

    Now I want to put this excess energy into creating, getting to a place I financially wana be, and growing into the person I want to be. 

    There’s always a reason to drink. Vacationing, birthdays, a Friday night, a hard days work. My problem was not being able to stop at 1 drink. So if I can’t do that I might as well not have any at all. 

    When you give something up, it just exercises your will power. You can stop and start anything but choosing to be healthy, really being healthy. Really just takes a lot of subtraction. 

     Get rid of social media, or minimize it. Get rid of tv or minimize it. Don’t drink or do drugs or minimize it. Don’t over spend or minimize it. There’s getting rid of Uber, restaurants, shopping, or just minimize it. Get rid of people. There’s so many people in my life but my priority will always be myself and my boyfriend first. Be a minimalist. 

     Eat vegetables, cook your food, sleep, exercise, journal. Maybe go to therapy. Work hard but also rest. Have good interactions with people. 

    I want to stress about important things like my health and what I want to do with my life. Not about all the rest I can’t control. All the drama you just can’t control. When I stopped drinking I finally felt self control. If I can let go of this what else can I let go of. 

    I’m drinking again. Actually had drinks with friends last night but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll take another month off maybe 3.

    So much could happen in that time. 

2024

  It took me a few years to get to the point where I am as an adult 30 something living in New York. I finally live in a comfortable space and it has character for sure. Living in Queens makes me feel separate from the exhausting over productive city that I call home. I made my priorities minimal, and one thing I’ve been working on since 2022 is healing and understanding my emotions as well as past trauma.

I have always been constantly triggered, anxious, borderline depressed. What’s weird about depression is nobody can tell that you have it, especially for me. How can you be depressed when you travel all the time, how can you be depressed when you have an amazing relationship, and you’re social. You’re the one who doesn’t care about what people think about you. 

    Well; sometimes when we seem really happy the reality is we’re putting up a front. I was experiencing a ton of grief, grief of not being the way it once was, people changing, losing my grandfather and my dog. I’m still grieving it. Before, I made pretty good money but it felt abusive and I hated what I was doing. Which I would promise myself that I would never compromise my well being for money. It was a situation where I made a lot and also had the freedom to pursue the arts. However, I was neglecting my higher purpose. You feel that your purpose isn’t to just get through it and to soothe yourself later because you can afford it. 

   Traveling ends and you need a life outside your relationship. You need friends, work that matters, hobbies, and things that fulfill you. You need to feel good on your own or else you lose all balance. Balance isn’t really what society tells you it is. 

   I’ve achieved it at this moment, and am trying to maintain it. My partner and I live a lone finally (ha) in a neighborhood and place we enjoy, I’m not attached to my work, I cut out working full time and currently work a-few jobs. I have to be really on top of my schedule since I don’t work from home at all. This way I’m helping people with skill sets that took me years to hone. It’s led to make more money, spend less time on it, and help more people. So win/win. My motivation is to be autonomous, so I can create time to take care of myself, make art, work on my health, and spend time with loved ones. I’m not in enormous amounts of stress, finally. Never knew it was possible in New York City. 

   Now I’m dealing with the discomfort of calmness.  After always being used to chaos, drama, and even tragedy. This Christmas was a very calm one. I dogsat, my partner had to work at the hospital, he sacrifices so much for work. We just focus on each other, gave each other gifts. It was like a staycation with work. That was it. We also got to see friends in Ridgewood which was really really cute before going back home. It was an alternative holiday. There was katonah yoga, brunch at Russ & Daugthers, city views, dogs, only tourists on the streets and Christmas cheer. I didn’t want to spend another Christmas apart from my boyfriend so I had to make it worthwhile. This was a way to be together. 

    Holidays are triggering. I have a lot of memories with my mom especially because she loved Christmas so much. So even though I’m not used to this, I’m trying to get comfortable in simple and calmness. I just feel old enough to know that everything will work out and things will change. It’s important to adapt and flow. 

     This was my year of relaxing. It took so much to get a comfortable place to live, it took so much to not actively hate work, it took so much to find the love of my life. I’m living as best as I can by prioritizing. Everything else is just extra. The new project, event, trip, course that I’ll be taking. It’s just extra but before it was sustenance to my survival. Mainly because I didn’t know how to figure it out. I didn’t know how to say no or put myself first. 

    My experiences of finding yoga again, going to a comedy class, doing a play, creating an event, and not allow negative vibes take over was a lot of action and mindfulness. Pursuing those things have saved my life in one way or another.

   Before I was jumping from 1 unhealthy thing to another. Now, each thing I do is healthy with a healthy amount of it. I have a lot of resolutions this year that I want to incorporate in my lifestyIe. To be frugal, give up vices, Stop judging people, I want to eat well and read well, be around only good energy. I want to be a minimalist for real, and this the first real year where I don’t feel like my life is just me. I also have to adapt to my partner too, where his future takes him affects me, and also know what it is I want too. 

    To 2024, I’ll be turning 33 soon. I finally feel like a grown up. I just want to act like it now. 

truth on pursuing dreams

I knew someone who wanted to be a dancer when she grew up. She was really good but when she expressed her desire and didn't get the feedback she wanted it led to her giving up. She didn't get the support at all to do it. Same kind of thing when she was interested in doing hair and makeup for a living. Just negative remarks that weren't true. That she wouldn't make money out of it, that she should do something practical, and she was heartbroken. I know money is important but it's not everything. I think your happiness is everything and money is just a portion of it.

    I really didn't enjoy business school. I enjoyed other aspects of college. Moving to New York, studying art in Italy, literature courses as electives, finding my community in a sorority, interning at a luxury hotel on wall street, and being a hostess at a restaurant for money. Living on my own and finally being independent enough to make my own choices. I chose to study practical things to get all of those other things. I live unconventionally to have flexibility and minimal stress.

   I prioritize my home, my boyfriend, my health (eating and sleeping), yoga, therapy, family and my art. Being an artist is cool. Especially an actress/ filmmaker who writes blogs as well as scripts. It's not boring, you have to collaborate, put yourself out there, and my favorite part about it is when I had depression, a breakup, or when my dog died; the only thing that made me feel better was having a show. Not writing or doing anything in solitude. Having a deadline for a finished product and showing an audience. Up until that moment working so hard to get my show up there. I like high stakes and the thrill of it all.

    I've realized being an artist is a lifelong journey. I do have other jobs, but my main thing is films and plays and events that showcase well myself. The more I do it, the more support I get, and I love living in New York where I don't feel like a weirdo for that being my main desire. 

    I promote people pursuing their dreams but my reality isn't that dream most people believe you get when your direct a movie. You're gonna make it. You're gonna be famous, make so much money, who gets to work on the coolest projects, and travels to the best places to do it. Even though that is the goal in the end. I'm not a famous person but I do have a reputation of being an artist, I've made some money, worked on cool projects, and have traveled because I set up my life to do that for myself. I travel to travel and work on art to work on art. 

    Pursuing your dreams gives you purpose and makes you want to take care of yourself. You cook, you sleep enough, you work on things that interest you, and you meet the coolest people along the way. You never regret doing it. I think because I prioritize my passions I just want to keep doing self work. Higher my consciousness so I could higher everyone else's. 

    It's all about habits and making yourself happy. If you make yourself happy other people want to be around you. You won't fight with your partner. If you prioritize art it really means you're prioritizing yourself. Not the day job that pays your bills but can replace you as soon as you leave, not people pleasing everyone, but helping yourself. You don't feel the need to hoard because things don't make you happy, you crave experiences to write about them, and you want to maintain your life and independence. 

    So there are benefits to making your own films and writing your own plays. Sacrificing time and money to make them come alive. There are benefits of living in the moment. If I could talk to every person that I knew who threw their dream away, I'd say please make time for the thing that you believe will make you happy. It will repay you in the end. Who cares what people think, it's your life you're living. The suffering from turning your back on it is detrimental. 

    You'll find your way to make money, to keep it up, to keep a flexible schedule, all so you can breathe and create something beautiful. If I was poor or had all the money in the world I'd be doing the same thing just in a different style. I hope to keep pursuing it for the rest of my life and maybe one day I'll get lucky. I've already reaped  rewards since trying at this for 8 years. This is also a thing that teaches you so much. 

   You learn in this specific art to get your thoughts on paper, to collaborate with people, how to fund it, how to budget, call sheets, rehearsals, and it really is the most exciting thing you’ll ever do. For this I am thankful. Will try my hardest to make work that is true to me. Survive life in the process. I feel if I didn’t have it, my entire existence would feel like survival, not just a portion of it.

Pressure

      You know when you complain about your job. Because you don't feel ownership towards it. You just work there and are affected by all of it. The customers, the fact that you have to be there all the time, the pay, or the amount of work, the drama. It all sucks and it becomes toxic and especially in New York because of how hard we work, people jump jobs frequently because they can't manage to get along with their boss, or set the necessary boundaries , or stop the chronic complaining.

    I work for companies, and will hear the toxicity around me. However, I hate jumping jobs. I know my life isn't my job, for some people it is, but not me. In my head it's just what I do to earn money. My life is my art and relationships really. I just did a show, my own show recently. It was a hybrid of a show and a screening. I've been planning it for months and I wasn't sure if it was going to happen but it did. It made us work really hard on our art, collaborate, get a space, get speakers, and a screen, and it all came together even though it felt impossible. I'm not a business woman; I'm an artist; but putting on an event even if you charge money upfront is expensive. You have to pay for the place, the drinks, food, equipment, all of it. Or have really good friends who have their own equipment and are willing to help you. I learned that you can spend as much or as little on these things, and I had little. However, I had a vision and wanted to elevate the experience of what I did last year. 

    My events' purpose are really to show myself and local filmmakers’ films, and to showcase my performing artist friends' who are amazing at what they do out here. It's such a good cause. It's inspiring and everyone has such a good time. The entire day especially the day of the show I was freaking out. I had too much to do. Such little time. Things go wrong, things go wrong all the time, and you just have to let it go and focus on the next, or be creative and figure out what to do when it all goes wrong. People aren't reliable, especially artists. and even though I predicted what would go wrong. It didn't matter, it went wrong anyway, especially tech it will always be a challenge. Your audience will be late, even if you tell them you'll miss the show, they will be late. You have to navigate all of that. That day I had my event, I didn't eat. I ate breakfast and I had so much to do that I didn't eat. I drank water and had a banana for dinner. The adrenaline, the nerves, the work, the making sure everything is going right. There's no time on the day of stopping and resting. 

   The day of the screening is so special, it's more than your business, it's your art. It's part of your soul. You're sharing a piece of your soul. Us artists organize our lives around this stuff. Our jobs, schedules, budgets, working weekends. We do it to, to do shows and if you do your own show like I did that is self funded, I just do everything myself as much as I can, or get help from my really supportive friends and boyfriend.

    I had a thought when I came back to work the next day after (my day job). That my event was so hard but it was just 1 day, that I am so lucky and so free that I don't own a real business. Where everyday is that much energy. I mean even if I had the money, it just it's a lot. Having your own business is a lot and it's amazing but I have a lot of compassion for people who do that. Especially the small mom and pop shops. There's a guy I know who owns an amazing noodle shop and he works all the time. I remember my mom owning her own business and working all the time, taking calls at dinner, and having a day job as well. You have to love it and be so invested in it. It can ruin your health. It's almost impossible to sustain when you live in New York, everything being so expensive. 

    That after I had my experience, and so much satisfaction from doing a job well done, even if everything I ever feared happened the day of the event. We still pulled through. I am so grateful I have a job that I just have to show up and work and get paid. I'm weirdly happy that my art doesn't pay all my bills, because that pressure would be even worse. If I ever make it to that point, I would be grateful that I got out of my day job situation.

    If this were my livelihood, it would be super hard. I know it would be amazing to say I make my living producing events and screenings. I'm the filmmaker for this project. My life would be so exciting doing what I love. However, it's nice just to work and not have to think and create every single thing. Talk to every single person. Just work and be mindless even for a second and go home, do it again the next day.

    I've been doing an event a year since 2017. There is a balance with art and money. It needs to be 50/50 the experience. I learned that if I focus so much on money and not the art, people will remember that. Remember the experience and your reputation will be mediocre. So you have to be careful to feel at peace with your work.  Even in a normal sense of working. We go so hard that we forget to eat, work out, date our significant other, or even just have time to clean. There’s no balance there and you need to find the rhythm that you can sustain.

    I have high pressure jobs. It's always how we make money. Volume. The amount of care you have to put if it's just your job rather than if it's your creation. Isn't as much. After doing all these things and being a highly sensitive person, who's high novelty seeking. I experience a whirlwind of everything. For instance I was backpacking for 7 weeks. Leading up to those 7 weeks my life was working and saving and planning and when I left I focused on visiting family, friends, and all of that isn't that long compared to what my dad did. He backpacked for years before he came home and settled down. Sleeping on couches, not having a home, soul searching.

One day I woke up and all I wanted to do in Sydney, Australia was go outside and draw a palm tree. I had time to do that. So there were beautiful moments, with family and adventure and my best friends even. 

    However, you will miss having a home, your boyfriend, a routine, and I was exhausted from living out of a suitcase that I really have only traveled in the U.S since. Got it out of my system for a little while til the next time. Something similar to that, is if you are producing your own event and show. Production is so scheduled and so much work, so much of a labor of love. It's different from working your 9-5, or your restaurant, or hotel survival job that can be mundane because the job is the same job always and your paycheck is what you look forward to. You crave the mundane again. To not always run on adrenaline and chaos. The labor for your creation to be completed. 

    I don't feel like I have a choice. That life is either one or the other. Your day job definitely funds the other. If you make something amazing or have an unforgettable experience it was all worth it. Because these things in the end change you. Slowly, it changes your identity and exercises will power. You just grow every time. I always wanted to run my own show, or act in something that connects with me. Through that, through staying true to myself, I do feel like I can help people. 

People Pleaser

I never fought with my mother. Most girls do; probably starts when they are teenagers and lasts until one of them grows up. I would hope it stops after 30s where you see each other as adults. I never experienced it, I fought with my dad (always lost, and his tactic was stonewalling; very effective), fought with my siblings, even some friends, definitely ex-boyfriends. I was 12 when my mom died and even though I was a kid and even though she got mad, for numerous things. Like the house not being clean, us being annoying, being late to school, watching too much TV. If she said I was wrong I always accepted being wrong.

   I never felt grown enough to have an ego to say, “hey mom, you’re wrong”. Which I would assume is why girls fight with their mothers in the first place. The result of never fighting nor growing up with her, I never had to live my entire life after her death resenting her. She never took away my freedom, or shattered my dreams, I was too young to do anything so I never had her being overly protective to the point I would regress. 

     Being half Polish American and half first generation Filipino, my culture was segregated and confusing. My family accepted each other, loved each other from a distance, but they never understood each other. I don’t even think my parents even got each other fully. Love and compatibility are super different. My dad came from a family who didn’t show much emotion. A typical American household where after you’re 18, you tend to see each other on Holidays and sometimes birthdays. There weren’t things in his house like hugging or kissing. He began that after my mom died and doing therapy. There was a lot of prayer though, my father had 3 siblings, not much change occurred frequently. My grandmother on his side still currently lives in the house they grew up in.

    My mother came from a family where even though you fought, you’d probably be living in the same house with each other. Family is loyal no matter what, they spend a lot of time together, at one point there was 10 of us living in the house in Jersey. Her mother who I called Mommy Leonie, took care of all of us kids as her own. Lots of kisses, food, singing, dancing, hugs, and simple days of watching tv together and playing outside. Family was celebrated on weekends where we had Filipino parties. Sense of community was super strong and huge. She had so many friends from all over. She immigrated a lot of her family to NJ. It was difficult that half of the family was on the other side of the world and the other half was here. 

    My Filipino side overpowered my Polish side being that my mom came to America in her 30’s. Even though my sister and I look white, we feel Filipino and American. People will always think we’re Spanish or Italian, mainly something we’re not.  We would visit the Philippines whenever we could. Eat rice every day. Make some Filipino friends, my mom had a group of friends who had white husbands, and our values were similar. I appreciate my culture. I wouldn’t be who I am if it weren’t for it. Specifically, you learn to be very clean, educated, you really respect your elders. You learn to put people especially family first. All my siblings brought me everywhere with them, even if they didn’t want to.

   Since going to therapy, I learned a lot of the things that I would get praised for doing, kind of hindered my life as an adult. I come from a customer service background. Although I’m an artist I never did well in a lot of jobs. A lot of the demands of full-time jobs gave me anxiety. I know I could never do anything medical, I tried working in a office and it wasn’t for me I would try again but am unsure if it fits my personality. Connecting and helping people has been part of my calling instead and I think I learned it from my family’s culture. 

     Although our culture is diverse with music, community, dance, Food, and not to mention the most beautiful islands in the world. We are also hospitable people. I grew up traveling all over the world staying at my mom’s friends’ places. Including Japan, Canada, Germany, and I learned when I have people stay at my house to give up my bed, have food ready, and to clear my schedule to entertain them. I never learned an important thing though called boundaries until a year ago. 

    I finally learned how to say no at an old age, as well as not lie, gossip, or over exaggerate, as well as eat healthier. When I was younger witnessing my mother’s anger and how she would argue with people; I devoted a lot of mental energy to never argue. Was actually crazy afraid of it. I just acted like my dad and became quiet, or would say yes, or show no reaction. Try my best to not get stressed because it can eventually cause illness and kill you. If I had partners where we were consistently fighting, I knew this needed to end soon. I have to end this some way somehow. Being such a people pleaser and afraid of breaking up, I would do something crazy like move to LA. There’s a lack of consciousness with this kind of behavior and I believe it’s passed down generation to generation. 

    There are tools out there especially for people who grew up in Asian households. A normal Slovakian thing to do I noticed was men bottled a lot of things up and out of nowhere explode in anger. It’s so weird because the silence was there for so long and then you can see how they feel all at once in anger, then act like nothing happened. My dad would do this constantly as a child and would leave; 5-10 minutes later he would come back to my room and apologize, where I would never take the anger too seriously. If I talk about it to anyone who’s Polish or Slovakian, they know exactly what I’m talking about. 

   I’m very lucky to have a father who loves me no matter what. I’m an artist, not married, no kids. He is okay with it as long as I’m happy and self-sufficient. I’ve been paying my own bills since 21 without help and I have independence to the point that I call my father just because I want to, not because I need him. If I ever needed him financially, he developed boundaries and would say no. Especially when I was taking a lot of risks when I was younger, he would say, “you can figure it out”. If I ever needed him emotionally, he would be there sometimes. He has taught me to put myself first and I appreciate that. He prioritizes helping people like my sister and grandmother which is really important to our family.

    My mom did too. My mom was highly independent with her own business and would travel to the Philippines without my father a couple months out of the year to not be around for the winter. Which is exactly where I get it from. It’s not that we want to punish our significant others, just we want to be in the hot, where everything’s cheaper, with family especially during the cold winters where the nature of our chosen business doesn’t make much money. What’s the point of sticking around if you get sick, don’t make much money, and don’t want to go outside. Might as well get pampered in good weather and spend time with family.

    I learned how to be a minimalist living in New York and also because both of my parents were hoarders. After my mom passed away, we had two houses filled with her stuff to get rid of. I would go through every item with tears feeling like this was the end of her. She kept everything to exercise equipment, VHS’s, to her school uniform from 8th grade. Designer bags, clothes, and shoes. I always say I could live out of a suitcase if I wanted to. The only things I want to keep are my pictures and instruments. The rest don’t mean a thing. Being a minimalist helps if you travel, move a lot, or live with your partner to be honest. 

    There’s so much de-conditioning I have to do in order to achieve a really great life in my future. I think if I master all the work now, I can really have an incredible decade in my 40’s. The need to take care of people has to stop. I always go out of my way to do that and it makes me uncomfortable a lot of the time and sometimes I make people uncomfortable by overly extending myself to make them happy. Doesn’t help that I work in a field where I get paid to do just that.

    Sometimes it’s nice and it’s good to do but pick and choose who’s worthy of it. Being a yes person needs to stop. If you give your energy all away, how will you have any for yourself. I say I want to be the person who can say no, without an excuse. Stop believing that the only way to success is through my job. Just the fact that my jobs allow me to be creative, pay all my bills, and doesn’t feel like torture. I feel like I hit the jackpot.

   That buying a house, having kids, and getting married makes you successful. I mean right now I feel successful because I don’t fight with my boyfriend, we have a great relationship, and we’re both going after our dreams. I need to learn to create a bubble (imaginary bubble) so I don’t take other people’s energies and moods as my own. I also have held back a lot of feelings so I don’t “fight” with people; but I learned that I’m a “fearful avoidant person”. I learned I can say how I feel without yelling. I can just say it, I can talk, and I can use my words.

   When you realize you are in fact traumatized. That you have been living this way your entire life (by default) and there’s definitely a better way to interact with the world. Life does get easier. I mean it’s not perfect. Stressors of life happen that you just can’t control but reading about stoicism can change the way we think about it. The most important thing is how you respond to everything. To be a calm cool collective person that you naturally are. Knowing everything is going to be okay is half the battle. Everything else will fall into place. Even though I have trauma, like all humans do, I actively am trying to break cycles, and live the life I deserve. Maybe people who feel the same can feel empowered to do the same. 

    The steps it takes to stop people pleasing I learned it to first really think about do I want to do it or do I just want to so yes because I feel like I have to. Then, if you’re like me and want to do everything but physically can’t. Start prioritizing what you would regret missing. We are always sacrificing something. No choice is wrong, only if you truly feel like it is. I don’t want to feel like I have to pay for everything anymore. I can never be in two places at once and pick the place I would regret not being at the most. I look if I can financially afford doing this right now. The most important thing is that I’m mentally and physically happy and healthy. My boyfriend and I work a lot, him even more than me. We’re tired. I want to create. At the end of the day, if I can help it, I just want to spend time recharging myself or dating him. It’s hard, it’s a forever journey, but it’s important. Especially taking other people’s energy as your own. I learned that wearing a turquoise stone has been protecting me from that. 

                  "Acting Then and Now "

    It was December of 2013, my first play since 6th grade. I’d been studying "the Method" at this small class on the corner of 38th and 8th. I was going consistently for about 4 months and then there was a point when just taking classes wasn’t enough. At first I told myself that I wanted to try an acting class, just once, then I went a few more times, then I was hooked. I decided I’m going to commit to this class every week. I hated my job, I was working the front desk and making mistakes constantly. I was really green and had desires to be an artist but I wasn't sure what my craft was yet. 

     Stuck in depression, I was living in Bedstuy then moving to Chinatown with my two friends. Then this audition popped up and I made a fake resume saying I acted in a bunch of New York Film Academy films and got the audition. Now this was unlike any audition and it was one of my first ones. I think I went to a couple auditions in a proper studio before this one. The playwright was new to playwriting  and didn’t have the funds to rent a space for rehearsals. We met at a coffee shop. She just really wanted to meet me and talk about the play. 

   She told me a little bit about the character I was playing and then says, "okay we‘re gonna have a conversation. I’m going to ask you a few questions about yourself but you are "Dylan" the character." So I tried  it. I put on a New York accent and answered questions. She was from Harlem, she lived near the park, she hated school, she loved her friends, she didn’t know what she wanted to do with her life besides having a dog, but she knew she didn’t wana be miserable. With the little bit of info I had of Dylan I answered all her questions truthfully and I got the part. We had exactly a month to put on the show. 

    It was a 20 minute play and it was the director's first play as she was a poet. I had the most lines and my heart was beating so fast. At that time I had extreme anxiety, had acne, I was single, and was in a lot of student loan debt, making a really low hourly wage. I was insecure and had to prove myself after college, in the "real world" that I could do something with my life. 

    I had a job, cheap rent in chinatown, a bike to get me everywhere I needed to go,  and acting made me so enthusiastic about life. I told everyone. I’m an actor! I’m in a play! I’m in a play on 42nd street at the Manhattan Repertory Theater. It’s my first play called “Deuce of Diamonds”. 

    It was such a process to get this show done. I changed my schedule to work mornings so I could rehearse at night. I was really trained and a rehearsaholic. Which if you have that in you, it can really carry the other performers who might be under-rehearsed and not on their game. Energy attracts energy to get us all to the same level. We would rehearse in places like starbucks, top floor of burger king, my friend's apartment, and lastly an actual acting studio with cheap rates. I would also see my teacher and do privates to make sure I did my very best at performing. 

    Then it was show time. I really promoted it, my family came and all my friends from NJ. Some college friends too. I was so anxious behind the curtain waiting to go on. I go on stage and it's lights up. People were sitting on the stage because there wasn't enough room for them in the audience. As soon as the lights come on I see my dad’s face right in front of me. I had to say my first line and there it was. All the nervousness stoppped and we were in it. I did what my mom told me to do at 11 years old which was, know everybody's lines. That way you can never mess up, because if they miss a beat you can pick it up. That's what I did and every night I got the adrenaline, the natural high, and it was such a good experience. I was hooked and knew this is what I'm meant to do with my life. 

     Now 10 years later in a theater two blocks away from the Manhattan Repertory Theater that was closed down due to covid. I was part of a different play. I haven't done theater in 4 years since 2019. The last one I did on stage was Romeo and Juliet in Hollywood. I got casted for a comedy show. There was about 10 of us playing multiple characters. I was in a scene called speed dating and the finale called 5 actors walk into a bar. We met every Monday, Wed, and Fri for 3 hours to rehearse. Most of the memorizing had to be at home. I was so nervous and had a lot of self doubt. On my Off-Book day; the day you're not allowed to use the script anymore; I completely bombed the rehearsal. I yelled line 10x and my scene partners carried me through the last scene. Although it was embarassing, atleast it wasn't on stage and it made me study and learn the entire play. Everyone's lines. As much as possible, so there is little to no error and I wouldn't embarass myself on stage. 

     The parallel of it being 10 years later where I'm at a theater near my first one and working at the same hotel just a different company now. I'm wiser, better, much older, and am still the same in some ways. It was show day and I knew my boyfriend was going to be there and a couple friends but not sure who. Our call time was 2 hours before the performance and I was grateful for the extra rehearsal time. The scene I was in was called speed dating, it was super fast and each line went right after the other. So if you mess up it's very very noticeable. My part was more towards the end so the nervousness doesn't leave you until you get on stage and do your thing. The lines are connected and go after one another so I can see where we are and I know what mistakes I made in the past, and I know to not repeat them. Every time I corrected a mistake with my lines I made in rehearsal my heart felt lighter. I could tell where we were in the script and how it would be over soon. Once I said my last line, it was then where I felt like, yes I nailed it, and then I had a 5 minute break before the next scene I was in. It's so much focused enery and the key to theater is to be really present. We all can feel eachother's energy. 

    When people laugh, you know you did a good job. Nothing feels like that experience and I said it was probably the most fun I had all year. And I went backpacking all winter to the coolest places. But those couple hours on stage doing my best at something like comedy in front of an audience. I have so much pride in it and you can feel you did a good job. My friends said they like the fact that I don't over act. That when I'm acting on stage they feel as if I'm being what I am in life Now, that's the real craft. Because what we learn is acting isn't being other characters. It's being truthful in the moment to the particular circumstances you're given. That's when can relate. That's when it's actually good.

Adulting is boring

    Everyone says our 30’s are better. After being 2 years in it, yes, we have the mistakes and the wisdom of our 20’s to not repeat those same mistakes. I have learned growing up only really happens when you want to. In my 20’s I was soo poor, so anxious, I had the experience of being in school, sharing bed rooms because that was all I could afford, totally got my heart broken. Then you’re in your thirties the land of discipline and responsibility. 

    The best part of being in my 30’s isn’t that I have more money, or know what it is I can and can’t tolerate, it isn’t the better living situation. It was finding my person. I was telling my friend when you finally find them, it makes sense why it didn’t work out with everyone else. I think they come when you heal a part of yourself too. 

    When you find your person, like when you find your passion, it doesn’t feel like work. Adulting is very boring. Everyday there's cleaning, cooking, budgeting, paying bills. Then there’s self care like yoga, exercising, sleeping enough, creating boundaries, forgiving, not drink too much, or work too much. To adjust your stress; because it leads to illness. Or being on social media too much. Just getting rid of anything toxic in your life. Fully being okay with things not working out and grateful when they do.

 Then there’s checking your anger and your anger towards yourself. I’m exhausted with work so figuring out my schedule is crucial. Keeping my circle small and being done with low effort relationships is important. I am done people pleasing, I’ll only say yes if I want to and have the means but not out of obligation anymore. If I have other priorities, I need to focus on that. Not caring about what people think because; why does it matter in the end? You have to care for you.

    Life is too short to not say how you feel. That’s what I’m always trying to strive for, truth, not being afraid of hurting anyone. That has always been my fear to fight with and hurt people. It's really important to not take other people's feelings as my own. That’s the hardest thing I ever had to learn to do. If I really think about it, the most important thing to me is my mental and physical health, my relationship, my family, and my trajectory of the person I wana be. 

   I want to be able to say no without feeling guilty, say how I feel without an argument, to not give up or let anxiety get the best of me. Now is the time to stop blaming your parents for how you are and be your own parent. I want to be someone who works on their dream job, which I am (making another short film). I want to love what I do or atleast not neglect my hobbies. I love doing yoga, spending time with dogs, and kids (my nephews). I hate comparing myself or wishing my life was different. Everything I am I chose. I have good people around me, I'm healthy, and creative. I feel like as I grow, I'll be just like this. Just more evolved, wiser, and more skilled. Life doesn't get easier as you get older. You just give less of a shit. Which gives a result of it being easier.

    I finally would like to enjoy my 30's until 40. I didn’t enjoy my 20s like I should’ve. I made a lot of mistakes and was always worried but it made me who I am. I don't know what's ahead but I hope it's building a family and a career I'm proud of. A healthy lifestyle and an awesome community. I think what I would like the most other than good credit and finances, is just peace of mind. That I did everything I could with the time I had. Also, not stress because that makes you age really quick.

Bedstuy

    I think my favorite area in Brooklyn will always be Bedstuy. When I first moved back to Brooklyn, I moved to Bushwick. I found a room online, because I only lasted about 2 weeks living with my parents. In this new apartment, I-didn’t have a bed yet, 3 roommates lived with me, and there was no AC, right in the beginning of June. When I moved to Brooklyn from LA, I was lucky enough to have a savings but I was a month late in getting a job. Where all the good hospitality jobs in the summer are all hired by June 1st. 

    It was difficult but I was happy to have my dog back, finally a twin bed from amazon, and an opening to a hotel serving job. I tried a bunch of different serving jobs, they weren’t quite paying the bills, so I had to drop one by one until I found consistency. Also the sublet I had was totally falling apart, and when the roommates asked me to extend, I declined, I was hustling hard for something better, with a lot of rejections. My old friend sent me a text while I was on the subway “are you still looking for a room”. I texted back right away “yes!”. 

    I saw the place, and there was beef between the previous roommates, whom I never met. My room was small, and the closet was very tiny, but I liked the patio area and having the ability to sit outside. I loved the exposed brick, that there were 2 bathrooms, hardwood floors, and central air after dying without AC. I asked where we were located and my friend said “Bushwick”, she told me the price of the room was $750, and I took it. 

    It was 2 weeks later that I found we lived in Bedstuy. My other friend moved down the block, just a street away. I said we lived in Bushwick, and she corrected me that we were in Bedstuy, I kept saying no it’s Bushwick. She goes - Do you wana live in Bushwick?  I didn’t care where it was. I was just told something different. We totally were living in Bedstuy. It was 2019. I first was working at a hotel called Sister City, that came from the Ace Hotel Group. The money wasn’t really good and had to quit, and became an Assistant Front Office Manager at a hotel down the block in Nolita. That kind of job pays okay, but not enough, so I ended up getting a job at the Biergarten at the Standard Hotel as well. Where I finally felt like I was making enough money. 

    The years I spent in Bedstuy got blurry because 2020 had occurred and we all lost our jobs for about 6 months. Thankfully I received unemployment. Spent days hanging with friends, biking to the beach, and taking care of my family. Everyone got sick which was traumatizing, as well as I was going through a breakup, and falling in love all over again. I got close with my roommates and my friend who lived a block away because we weren’t able to talk to anybody else. 

    I had thin walls where even though I wanted to spend time a lone, I felt like I was in conversation with my roommates in the living room. Only a 15 min bike ride away from Williamsburg and  I was a server on the roof of a hotel in Williamsburg. I did a virtual play as well as host my events in Brooklyn. 

   Blogging began again here. I painted my room Blue with a landscape of Buenos Aires, my dream city I’ve never been to. My wall fell down in January of 2021 which was totally scary. Because even though this was a modern apartment, it was decaying on the inside. My dog got sick, the signs was that he completely stopped eating, and then he died of old age while I was living there.

     I grew from the age of 28 to 31 in that apartment. I traveled a lot. Started with little trips like Boston, Upstate, Long Beach Island, then to Dominican Republic, California a few times, Mexico, Belize, Miami, Las Vegas, Nashville, Seattle. The winters were bad in New York, where depression would hit. I also learned a lot about boundaries, and not feeling the need to people please finally, and learning to keep my circle small. When I had money I would treat my nephews with lavish gifts including hotel rooms in New York, a bouncey house, and a piano keyboard.

 I worked in Manhattan and it was a nice medium. I met a boy in Jersey City. We kept separate apartments him in JC and me in Bedstuy, until the rent went up $400 per room a month. So I moved to Jersey City. I had to do my last things to do in Bedstuy; chill in Herbert Von King Park and eat tacos at Warude. Get a drink at Chilos or the rolling creamery near the house. I made a lot and would spend a lot. My rent was a bit more living a lone and I was still in a somewhat a fast life. 

   I dated two guys in that apartment, and went through 4 jobs, different projects. It was sustainable. I learned standards with that apartment and will always have a deep love for Brooklyn and living here.  Bedstuy doesn’t feel pretentious and some interesting things like a bird and Laundry machine store. Cages of birds to sell and laundry machines. It’s not really cheap but not as expensive as Manhattan. There’s amazing arepa truck on Broadway, a 24 hour juice spot, filipino breakfast with Ube lattes, an astrology bar. It gets weird and fun and I’ll always be into a chill vibe now that New York is home. I remember leaving and a tattoo shop just opened next door. It’s a feeling in this part of town and there will always be a big part of me who feels she grew up in Bedstuy. Because I had to start over, had to heal, and had to grow. Thankfully I did it all there.

Wild Flowers

don’t care

where they grow

     There are 3 things that keep me grounded. They keep me in solace with my attention deficit disorder. I was diagnosed with it when I was 7 years old, but my mom didn’t want me on medication, and just thought I had too much energy. Instead she made me do every activity she could get me in. Started with painting, reading monologues, dance class, cheerleading, flute, violin. Whatever to make sure I wasn’t bored. I still don’t have to take medicine thanks to her. However, I still very much have a difficult time paying attention. If it’s boring, like math, or lord of the rings, or office work. It’s just really that difficult. I need music or something else to get my attention to finish the task. 

     I discovered my thing though, you know the thing you have to do to keep you grounded, I discovered it about 10 years ago. It’s actually 3 things. After spending 4 months in Italy and realizing that study abroad is what my body really needed. My body and mind were over productive and over stimulated living in New York City from 18-20 years old and I always felt like I was behind or failing. It was a lot of first experiences but a lot to take care of. An apartment, 16 credits, a job, I brought Scrappy to the city. After living in Italy and learning the ultimate self care I found that cooking, biking, and writing were the things I needed to do to take care of myself. I took cooking classes in a guy’s apartment in Rome. He was my guidance counselor’s cousin who was an architect but loved to cook. Us students just had to pay for the groceries, and he taught us how to make a full 3 course meal including; appetizer, dinner, and desert. I learned how to get by with little to no money, cooking was the way. I found sincere happiness that I wanted to bring home. I learned Italian and wanted to document all the experiences I was having, so I began to bring a journal with me everywhere. It was just diary entries. I actually finally got rid of those journals. I discovered that not only did I absolutely love to write, but I needed to write for my mental health. Biking I did not do in Italy, but when I came back to New York, and had little to no money to ride the train, I brought a yellow bike I won from Old Navy and barely paid for subway rides. You know when people tell you, oh you save so much money not having a car. Well being someone who never really was well off, it doesn’t feel like I’m saving, yet just never had it in my expenses. Living in a city gives you that lifestyle choice and a journey of uncomfortability. Taking trains, Uber, bikes, and then you realize you gain a lot from being uncomfortable. 

    I graduated with Hotel Management, I still do work in a Hotel just never got into management because of how much you work. It’s not really a side gig. Then after studying acting and doing theater and film, I got into bars because they were way more flexible with more money.

I’ve lived in the Manhattan, LA, Brooklyn, and Jersey City. For fun I like to backpack. I’ve been humbled. I really like having a flexible schedule, not working in a office, and making time to have a life or do art. So with persistence and working multiple jobs, and finding the right ones, and putting energy into taking care of animals since my dog died, I’ve found the balance I’ve been looking for.

Working in Hospitality can really suck. People don’t really get it. You’re not in grad school with this amazing career like being a doctor, or a nurse, or saving the world. You’re a server or bartender. Your passion is art. You provide entertainment and live off tips. It’s a pretty great living most of the time, if you find a good spot. You can pay your bills you find like minded creatives but you have this feeling of incompetency because there’s so much more you’re capable of. It’s also a hard lifestyle. You’re body gets tired, you work weekends, you need support from your partner and family. The other day I had a dog client, she’s a retired sweet lady. She asked if I was a full time dogwalker. I told her I wasn’t because I don’t want to ruin it. My dog died and being around them was important to me, so I got into it, but attaching NYC stress with it and making it a business just takes the joy away from it all. So I work at a brewery. It’s my extra income and I’m grateful for all the dogs I’ve gotten to take care of. She asked me what school I went to and I said Pace University. She asked do you use your degree, I said well I graduated in Hospitality so yes, and I definitely use it when I have to. The reason I work in bars is to do more film stuff. It’s hard to make people understand your reasons for unconventionality, that it makes you happy and you’re not consumed in work when you’re not there. Being a manager you have to work atleast 10 hours and a lot of the time it’s just not for me. I can’t put effort if I don’t care. Luckily I actually care about people and problem solving so I’ve been able to stand that portion of it for this long. I just want to do things of my interest. 

     What is life without travel, restaurants, and bars. Right. Although you don’t feel like you do enough, and hospitality workers work a lot, we do a lot. It’s a choice, it wasn’t forced upon us. It helps with having autonomy. I like the idea that I can save as much as possible buy a flight, quit my job, come back and work the same job at a different spot, that’s probably better until I feel like I want to do something else. 

    The only thing with producing shows, events, traveling, working really hard in hotels or bars, is that it always ends up in burn out. My routine daily meditation is writing, cooking, and biking. I can do it everyday. Feel like I have a routine, and can go anywhere. If not biking atleast journaling and cooking. When I traveled to the Philippines, Australia, LA, I always asked can I cook? Any moment I spent a lone, I wrote. I wrote a lot. My thoughts, of what I wanted. The best thing about writing, or journaling, is that you have thoughts and things you want to manifest, or bring to awareness. If I look back on my journals, I have achieved what I wanted. Really it looked like making x amount a year, having a flexibility, making a project and having it hit, and luckily I’ve achieved all those things. Falling in love with someone I’m actually compatible with. But what we’re searching for is a feeling. A feeling of peace, of safety, sustainability, and seeing if you can see something grow. 

    I’m okay with living anywhere really. I don’t need much to be comfortable. I’m lucky to have skills that will get me a job anywhere and a boyfriend who I know is a good fit for me. I know we’re in this together. But because my life is “unstable” where I don’t own my apartment, I switch jobs every 3 years, sometimes every year, and do the most unstable thing which is acting, I’m really lucky to have my 3 things that ground me. 

    You see it’s not 1 thing, it’s 3 things. Because of course someone with ADD will tell you 1 thing is too boring. It can’t just be writing, or cooking, or biking. It needs to be 1-3. 1 for exercise, 1 for art, and 1 for nutrition. Just like flowers need soil, water, and sunlight.

     Back in January I was telling my friend how I was upset about the drug addiction that happened in the suburban town we grew up in. Deaths, tragedy, and how it just ruined people that we loved’s lives. I asked him it’s weird that you can both be brought up in the same house and taught the same values but the personality of people can really change the out come of their lives. Like if they love adrenaline, or have an addictive personality, or the easiest thing to do which is eat bad. It was inevitable in our town since we were surrounded by fast food and it’s all so cheap plus the combination of not much to do. I asked, in a psychology sense, why does one sibling go one way and the other go the other? My friend said, “Well Toni, it’s survival of the fittest.” That basic. Some people don’t have the thing in them that gives them the desire for self care. Even though they have the best grades or have so much potential.

Like eating vegetables, or doing yoga, or not consuming alcohol or drugs. Because they know it’s bad for them. They hang on to the highs, almost too much. They don’t have the self awareness to get out of their bad situation, like to move out of town and experience something new. Get away from toxic people. They don’t have the drive to make more money. In that case, they have the weaker experience, and it’s sad. Because you can be so excellent at so many things, but if you never want to learn the basic need to take care of yourself or protect yourself from harm. You you end up suffering. It’s sad how people can’t get out of their own way. I also very much see it in myself; but I moved to a place where you either thrive or die.

Luckily I was cut off after school and figured out how to survive. Like I did in college, I still feel like I’m always behind and failing. If I go back and think of what could’ve happened. I’m better off. 

    Just getting out of negativity, a small mind set, and exposing myself to other people and cultures. It does something to you, and makes you want to do more. I’m thankful for that. As long as I’m a live, I will cook, bike, and write. Because not only does it make me sane, provides self care, it makes me thrive in all of my being to be a better human. At the end of the day if we all focused on ourselves and our own happiness. With a healthy hobby, friendship, doing self care routines; we actually cause every person who loves and is around us less stress. Ultimately, that makes the world a better place. The freedom of it, is that you can thrive anywhere. Because Wild Flowers Don’t Care Where They Grow. They just grow.

#howtolove #alltheplaces

The girl in Korea

    There was a lady I met on the plane to Korea. I was coming from my first trip to LA, had a layover for 3 hours in Korea, and then I was finally going to get to the Philippines. Her son sat next to the window, he was 4 years old. The husband didn’t speak English and sat in the seat in front of her with her daughter who had motion sickness the whole way there. It’s 13 hours to get to Korea. 

    Her son kept having to go to the bathroom. So I had to keep getting up and she felt sorry every time having to ask me, but I totally understood. My sister has kids, I was just staying with my friend in LA who had a 10 month old. I was the most patient passenger, and they weren’t crying so it wasn’t that hard to get up when he needed to go. 

    It’s interesting when you’re sitting next to a stranger, and you feel like there’s all this space between you, like you can tell them anything because you’ll probably never see them again. I have it happen to me all the time traveling but this was a long and particular instance. 

   I love Korean airlines, I really do. They give you a toothbrush, slippers, korean food, and Korean movies. I asked her what was good to watch and she asked me if I liked horror. I said no, not this flight, being a lone with a layover in Korea, I need to be as happy as possible. Comedy and Romance is more my speed. 

    I learned a lot about this girl. That she moved to California when she was 12 years old. That she loves coffee and used to be a barista. I looked over while I was watching a Korean Soap Opera and she was watching Super Bad. She told me she goes to Korea every Christmas to see her family and when they get to Seoul she has another 4 hour drive. She said it’s the only time they get to see her kids. A flight to Korea for 4 people must be so expensive.

    She mentioned at some point when she moved to the States, she was 12, and it was 2004. So, when I looked at her, I said, I think we’re the same age. She told me she was 31, and I said me too. “You’re really young.” I said. She said she had her daughter at 25 years old. The difference of our lives, even though we’re the same age is immense. Seems that having kids is just really hard especially traveling with them. I left my boyfriend, job, and home to travel a lone to see family and friends. I also thought if I stayed with the guy I was with at 25, how different my life would’ve been.

    I told her how impressed I was that her kids speak Korean and she told me her husband doesn’t speak English. She feels bad for her 6 year old daughter because she doesn’t have many friends. Her teachers are saying she needs to be held back and she remembers exactly what that felt like when she just moved to America. I let her know that when her daughter gets older, she’ll be really thankful that she can speak Korean. It’s important to pass that down. When we finally were about to arrive, she asked me is your mother picking you up in Manila? I said, “My mom died a long time ago in 2004, it’s how I knew we were the same age, I was 12 when she died, same as you when you moved to the States.” She told me her mother died too, right before her daughter was born, she didn’t get to meet her. I said, our mothers would be proud that we’re going home. She smiled, and landed in Seoul Korea. 

Backpacking Philippines 2019 Part 3

Siniloan

    I will always have a special place in my heart for Siniloan, Laguna. Siniloan is a province in the Philippines about 2 hours away from Manila. In Siniloan there are rice fields, nature, animals and when we were kids we used to go swimming in the resorts, and they have the most beautiful churches. 

    The hikes have amazing scenery. We would swim under waterfalls and rivers. Since I was 5 years old before I’d ever gone there. I would say, I wish I lived on a farm. I wanted animals, nature, peace and quiet. I didn’t know that’s exactly where my grandmother was from. 

    I was really happy to show my friend Dani where my Mommy Leonie (Grandma) grew up. My mom spent her summers in Laguna. Since it’s on the other side of the world, summer starts November. When school was on summer break that’s where they would vacation. 

    The first place we went to was the Mausoleum where my mother, grandmother, and all the Flores Family are buried. A mausoleum is an above ground grave covered in stone. Like a monument or burial chamber. It’s beautiful and we don’t have them in the states.

    When I brought my friend from LA there for the first time, she said, “you’re really lucky to have this place” She’s a lot like me in the sense where we really value nature and adventures. 

    If you’re American, it’s rare to know exactly where your family is from. Mainly because a lot of us are third or fourth generation. I look Eastern European, however I have no idea where my grandparents are exactly from in Poland or Czech Republic. I hope to find out one day. 

    My friend is a vegetarian, and you would think it’d be hard feeding her but it costs less than $5 to make vegetables and it’s all fresh. She loves animals especially birds, and enjoyed seeing all the chickens the most. We went swimming in natural pools and saw waterfalls.  Her favorite thing to do was watch Filipino TV shows with my Aunt. Typical soap opera where the man has another woman and gets caught of course.

    It rained while we were there and we went around as passengers on my cousin’s scooter. We did a boat ride with a boatman at Pagsanjan. This boatman used his entire body to take us on a ride through miles of a river and waterfalls. When I talk about it to other people, they really want an “authentic” experience like this. So I see it really having tourism come in the next few years.The only other place I can remotely compare to is Chiangmai, Thailand.

San Juan City

   The rest of this backpacking trip was staying with family. I got to show my friend Green Hills Mall. Eating, getting our hair done, shopping, eating again is all we really did. She just loved having a local experience and seeing my family. 

   Seeing family is the basis of the appeal of going to the Philippines as much as I do. I’ve only gone with my mom twice, when I was 7 and 9, when she was a live. Now I’m 31 and have been there 7 times in total visiting her grave and her family . I’ll probably keep going back the rest of my life. 

    In the States it’s so hard to get quality time with family members. Everyone’s always working. When I take a trip there I don’t have to worry about work and if you have some savings,  you can enjoy your free time with them. 

    When I see my cousins, no matter how old we get, we’re the same. Our memories from those trips while growing up have bonded us. We go a long time without seeing each other. When I get to see them, it feels like I was just there the day before. Even when I hangout with my cousins, I still feel like a little kid. Playing games, eating good food, and just chilling. So I spent time with family in Manila and did a solo trip with my sister by bus to Laguna again just to get out of the city. It was cheap and it took forever, but when we arrived we had to take a tricycle to bring us to Siniloan. Luckily my cousin pointed me out in the tricycle, while walking, during one of their festivals. Definitely got charged the foreigner fee.

 This province always has a festival going on. People are outside in the street and I really love it. I was able to soak up as much as possible before going home. I’m glad I did because of the pandemic I had to wait another 4 years to go back. So it’s important to really be present til the next time. When I left the Philippines in 2019, after spending one on one time with my family. I flew back to LA for my layover. I had to grab my bags in Studio City, say bye and hug my friends, and move back to New York City. Actually Brooklyn. It was awesome because I had my little bag with me from the Philippines and my big suitcase I moved home with waiting for me at my friend’s house in LA.

Backpacking Philippines 2019 part 2

Bohol

    The boat ride to Bohol was 2 hours. It was really pretty and I’m happy that I didn’t get motion sickness. If you’re a traveler who gets sick in the car, plane, or the sea; you have to take a pill called Dramamine every time. 

    My friend booked the stay in a nice resort for 2 days; after we stayed  5 days in a tent in Oslob, Cebu. That’s when I realized there are tricks to roughing it. After staying in a tent, get a hotel. It is worth the extra money. If you can afford it, do atleast one night at a nice hotel to freshen up and keep backpacking to your next destination. 

    We only had 2 days in Bohol and I really remember cave exploring and the beautiful resort. We were brought to a cave and there was fresh water that you can swim in. There’s one opening to the cave that shines light, that helps you see everything. If you’re in the water and look up you’ll see hundreds of bats sleeping. Real ones! Furry, cute, and almost rat like looking things. If you shine a light on them they start flying. 

    The water was nice, my friend would explore and get lost, a lone, everywhere we went. Even in the dark cave and whenever I couldn’t find my friend, whether we were in a cave, or at the beach, or on a mountain; I wasn’t scared. I knew she would come back. She would always disappear and come back with a new story, souvenir, or scar.

    I’d like to go back to see the chocolate hills some day. At the resort in Bohol we had the pool to ourselves and had the absolute best time, drinking the cheapest beer, listening to music, and doing head stands in the pool. Just us and the bartender.

   From Bohol we had to fly to Manila and make it to my my cousin’s wedding.

Manila

    We arrived to Manila, and we immediately went to the Holiday Inn near the airport. Go through the process of security guards and having all our bags scanned like an airport. The night we arrived was my cousin’s wedding. We were only able to make the reception. I haven’t seen my family in 5 years, most of them, but I was able to go to the reception and I asked my brother if it was okay if I brought my two friends, and he said it was fine, just get there. So we ran to our hotel, showered quickly, put on dresses, and got a Grab and traveled 2 hours to the wedding. You always have to add the traffic in the Philippines. 

    When my grandfather saw us when we arrived, he was walking around with a big smile on his face, introducing himself to my two friends. It was a beautiful wedding. The dresses were beautiful, the men wore barongs, it took place outside which I love.

     I’ll never forget the big hug I gave my sister and brother. It’s been so long. Even though so much time has passed, when you see family who live on the other side of the world, there’s a weird moment where you’re shy and you’re looking at a complete stranger. Then something happens and you act like the last time you saw them was yesterday. No matter how much time has passed.

    The person on The MC asked my friends where they’re from? One said LA and the other said New York. So the MC goes, “ all the way from LA and New York!”

       My two backpacking sisters were good sports about everything. They participated in all the pictures, the dances,  food (even being vegetarian). Our one friend had to go back to work and the other stayed with me for another 5 days so we had to do two things. Go to Green Hills Mall and Sinoloan, Laguna.

         Backpacking the Philippines 2019

After I lived in Studio City I was on my way to Singapore to visit a friend who grew up there. Haven’t seen him since we went to college in Manhattan. Then the plan was to go to Manila to meet my two friends who never met each other and backpack (a New Yorker and a Angelino). The only person I’ve ever known who really back packed was my dad who’s from Rahway, New Jersey. My dad was a backpacker for 3 years and did it at the age of 22-25. He never left Jersey and he decided to backpack Europe for 3 months in his early 20s. After Europe, he just kept going and going. He saw a lot of the world. All before cell phones, only used a map, worked place to place, and stayed in hostels, or better yet made friends and couch surfed. I learned traveling through my parents at a young age which made it less scary as I got older. This trip to the Philippines we backpacked Coron Palawan, Oslob Cebu, Bohol, and then back to Manila where my cousin was getting married the day I got there. When my friends left after the two weeks, I wanted to stay in Manila to spend time with family. Then it’s time to get ready for my move back to New York. My trip was a smart move. I planned it in half a year. Traveling is expensive and to make it affordable with a portion of my paycheck every week. I bought tickets, an Airbnb, or an excursion. Chatting with the girls to make plans. Every corporate job only allowed 2 weeks of vacation. So knowing that and not wanting to go from working 50 hours, quitting a job, and not having a break. Since moving cross country is stressful. You have to find a job, an apartment, and create a life again. My mother emphasized that the Philippines is where we come from and never forget that, no matter how far away we are. Or however long it’s been. So I decided to go home.

I got rid of all my stuff. Futons, so many clothes, a bed, all the things I accumulated in about 3 years in LA. What I was bringing back to New York was the big suitcase I moved with. I made sure my layover on my way to New York was LA, so I could see friends and get my luggage. Give the people I cared for most, a one last hug goodbye. 

    I travel light, even more so now. I’ve mastered it. I brought a hand carry and my ukulele on this month journey. I started in Singapore. I remember sitting next to an old couple from Florida.

    An elderly Singaporean woman and an elderly American man. When you talk to people on the airplane you connect quickly. Sometimes I find it’s easier to get into deep conversation with strangers. The mere fact is you’ll never see them again. I found out that they lived half the year in Florida and the other half in Singapore. Have children and retired from IBM. My grandfather worked for IBM so I was able to relate. An old computer company that gave employees great pensions.

  When we arrived at our destination, the elderly woman was so nice to offer me a ride to where I was staying. I declined and she persisted “Let us bring you home, we have a driver.” She didn’t take no for an answer which in traveling is a red flag. Why would an old couple want to take a 27 year old girl to her friend’s house? That they never met nor would get anything out of. So I didn’t trust it. What’s the benefit for them? This is how people get tricked and god knows what else. So, when we got through immigration I told the elderly woman that I have to go to the bathroom and lost her on purpose and got the Grab. The old people seemed harmless but being in a foreign country, it just felt like a perfect trap. Most important thing is as females traveling you have to prioritize safety.

Singapore 

    Seeing my friend in Singapore was like no time had passed and he was an amazing host. We went to Gardens by the Bay which is an indoor botanical garden. I never seen anything like it. It had tulips, man made waterfalls, and so many different plants. The malls have everything you can possibly imagine in them. Asia is known for malls and humidity. However, Singapore is known for the best of everything. Best malls, best gardens, best restaurants, and the best airport. I’ve been to a lot of airports. It’s crazy beautiful.    Singapore is clean, the cleanest, like Japan or Korea. It’s so refreshing. I went to Japan when I was 7 years old with my parents and I never seen any place so clean. Everyone speaks English. In Singapore, I heard if you drop your cigarette on the ground it’s 200 Sing as a fine. There are no homeless people. I also was able to meet all his friends who were from all over the world. My friend showed me his job and brought me to a work party that had a private room upstairs. It was a restaurant with amazing catered food, but it looked and felt like a home. Wooden tables, brick walls, a fire place, a balcony outside to smoke. They hosted private events in that space and their work has outings on the regular. We went to the Intercontinental Hotel for live jazz and cocktails, there was a gorgeous view on the roof, we went for tea and had a real tea party, got food at the Singaporean market, and saw wild trees and flowers you won’t ever see the States. I enjoyed seeing his life and having a true local experience.

From Singapore, I was headed to Manila. My friends were on the plane together who have never met each other. As soon as I got off the plane my brother was waiting for me. He brought us to get hot pot and we got vegetarian because my friends are vegetarian. Which is majorly difficult if you want to backpack the Philippines. We stayed at a Hotel that I got completely for free as an award for signing up mostly every customer as a member. With Kimpton every customer that wasn’t a member became a member. I received over 100,000 points for singing up every customer into the program and the reward was hotel rooms from the company IHG.

Coron Palawan

    We made sure our hotel was near the airport because our next flight was early in the morning to Coron, Palawan. My friend went months before us and gave us tips for an all inclusive package. We stayed in a guest house that gave us breakfast, as well as excursions. Took us on a boat where we found really great snorkeling, we were brought to private islands to get lunch, and the hiking was unlike anything I ever seen. 

     I spoke Tagalog a little, but it was more than I ever had to because I had the responsibility to guide and lead my friends. Tried to establish “Hey! I can understand you” (Nakakaintindi ko) I used it to find the bathroom, or where our guest house was, or to bargain prices. 

    Now that I’m an adult I wish I was better and am trying to be better. My vegetarian friends lived off rice, vegetables, and french fries. Drinks were cheap too. 

     We spent about 5 days in Palawan. My friend was scraped by coral and still has a mark. The spots we went swimming on the island were the most beautiful we ever seen. Clear water where you can see your feet and fish. It really was magical. Not in a corny way but in a real way where you believe in magic. 

Oslob Cebu

    We soon flew to Oslob, Cebu. Specifically to see whale sharks. We got there pretty late and my family arranged a driver to get us. He brought us to our hotel which wasn’t in Oslob it was in a place called Dalaguete. Maybe an hour away from Oslob. 

     At first we were upset. I booked the wrong hotel. When we woke up in the morning and went outside to go get breakfast. I kid you not we were in the most beautiful place with the most beautiful ocean that goes on for days. We were beyond thankful to have gotten to be there and have breakfast. The driver came back and brought us over to the real Oslob.

     When we arrived to this place it was supposed to be a treehouse that I booked on Airbnb and it was severely wrong. I knew $40 was too good to be true, I booked a tent. An actual tent. The tent had an air mattress, a fan, and a light. The place had food, drinks, out door showers, and down the steps was an ocean. With a bench and a deck to jump off of.

    There were shared bathrooms and showers. They spoke basaya and there were beautiful cats there. One of my friends was so excited to stay in a tent, the other not so much, I felt sorry for putting us through this but felt indifferent about staying. We couldn’t get anything better; everything was booked out for tourists that wanted to see whale sharks. But the one who didn’t want to stay; her being a cat lover. This beautiful pregnant cat won her over. 

    The host was there for a summer job which summer is in June. She was studying sustainable tourism and she was super nice to us. Perfect English and made us feel like home. She also brought us to see the whale sharks. 

    Now I didn’t expect the whale sharks to feel like Disney land, but it did. The line was long and we were brought out by boat to see them and were able to swim with them. We only got 30 mins with them as there’s animal rights now for them. At 6 AM they uncover the net and the whale sharks are able to chose to come get fish or not. The guys row the boats and feed them fish. We noticed only the baby whale sharks but they are huge. As big as the boat. I got a water proof case for my iphone so I could take videos and I still have them. 

    It was a once in a lifetime opportunity and I’m so happy I did it and with friends. When we were done we were talking to other hostel guests and one said to our host; “how often do you get to see WhaleSharks?” Her answer was “never gone, I’m working to pay for school.” It produced a feeling that I’m familiar with. Of being so close to something but never having the opportunity. I hope she does one day but I did understand that it wasn’t important to her. Paying for school and the summer job was important to her. 

    Surprisingly our favorite place was Oslob in a tent. It was wholesome. A feeling you can’t really fake. We enjoyed it and we were off in a boat to go to Bohol. 

To Be Continued …

You don’t take it seriously 

    I’ve been working in the service industry  in many different roles since I was 15. Now that I’m much older, working too much isn’t worth my mental health and burn out. I’d rather sacrifice my lifestyle and live below or within my means than put in more hours that take away from personal goals. Being a minimalist helps and takes away stress where I can focus on things that I care about. 

      Focus on writing, a new project, having new experiences, and a healthy relationship has given me what I’ve heard is the hardest to achieve “a work life balance”. I did informational interviews at a luxury hotel by Wall Street where I interned and each boss who definitely made a lot of money said “if they did it over again they would have a work life balance.”

    The balance comes from experiencing life and not making it all about work. That’s what I take seriously. The mind, body, and spirit. 

    I take whatever I’m doing in the moment seriously. I really always want to do a good job even if I may never do the job again (freelance). Mainly because it makes me feel good to know I’ve tried my best. 

    However, the ambition of making the most money, rising to the top of a company, or having this amazing title never has been my main interest. I always say “I’ll do that when I’m older.” I’m sensitive to stress and if I have to work a lot and run an entire hotel. My body suffers with psoriasis, Strep throat, chronic coughing. Tells me to STOP. 

   I definitely need money. Money funds everything and I wana be safe. I need to know I’m working towards something and because I can’t depend on 1 job, I have to create that for myself with investing. 

    I hope to leave the service industry for the theater and film industry. In an area I enjoy like running the show, writing, acting especially. Or if I desperately need money, just work Saturdays at the bar. However, I am grateful that I’ve been able to live a life of autonomy and dabble in many things with this line of work. 

    Work has been a means to an end. I enjoy working, even need it to stay active, and social. But not to the point of burn out. Which is easy in New York no matter what profession you’re in. We’re a city who’s always over productive because of the demand and the lifestyle here. 

    I grew up with both my parents working hard and had their own businesses. As a child we had at one point 7 people in our home. It seemed fun because we were always together. My grandmother was always cooking and it was nice to have a full house. However, my parents especially my mom wanted a better life. 

    I saw them really lose themselves in their business and attaining more. Like a bigger house, another house, more cars, savings, stocks. I’m really lucky to have seen them become successful. However, I saw that it gave them a lot of stress.     

    Which made them work more which produced more stress. On top of that my mom had a lot of social obligations. Friends, clients, family and always was a perfect host. I think it all became too much. Even though she had this personality of always being perfect. She knew the consequences it produced and just told me to try my best and that would be enough. 

    As soon as I felt I had some control over my life; I’ve tried to avoid stress and getting sick. Mainly avoided getting angry when life didn’t go my way. I just want to be healthy and live as long as I possibly can. Thinking if I make enough wrong choices it’ll come after me. I really try to sleep, eat right, and follow a routine. 

    I try to live a balanced life. I’ve juggled a lot of jobs too since I’ve been on my own. When I was living in LA I worked at a bar part time for extra money. My full time job was at a luxury hotel but it didn’t pay enough and the cocktail bar on weekends really helped me have a savings. Now in New York I grew into it being full time. As any hospitality job ends with too much drama; I had to leave my hourly position. 

     I finally worked at the bar full time but it got to be too much. To the point where I needed to do something else. I really wanted to spend time with dogs and found someone that needed help with that. 

    It gave me balance, but the problem is the bar always will constantly need you to work and if you don’t say no or know your limits it effects your mental health. 

    I realized everything  can affect your mental health. Even things you like. Like for me making movies. My impatience really ruins me. Wanting to be finished and have it complete. Also, working with the wrong people in the past. Felt like my entire world was crashing down. 

    Now with art I am more selective and choose things I want to create and not just say yes to everything. 

    The other thing I prioritize above all else is traveling. Especially when friends and family are there to visit. It’s not easy. You’re uncomfortable and have to save for it. You never know what’s in store for you or who’ll you’ll meet. I’m very lucky to find a partner that travels with me when he can. 

    Traveling makes me so excited to do what I have to do and it forces me to stay at a job with no complaints because I’ll get a break from it soon. 

    I enjoy seeing other ways of life and realize that my life isn’t the only thing out here. Traveling gives me inspiration and allows me to use different parts of my brain. By finding my way, speaking a different language, at least listening to a different language, and seeing different artists. 

    I’ve gotten the autonomy of leaving when I can. It’s always the same system. Book the trip, tell your boss, save enough, pack light. Make sure I put energy into the things I want to grow. Healing, being a good person, and spending time with people I care about. 

    So in conclusion; do what you can to not have your job or the stuff you have own you. Do what you can to minimize stress. Not take everything so seriously. Life is big to put all your eggs in one basket. Focus on your dreams to come true. I heard that just because your dreams aren’t exactly how you pictured it, doesn’t mean they didn’t come true. If you can design your life and create sustainability and balance. That’s what matters in the end.