i think i would enjoy grazing. were i a cow ...

Hello! And Welcome to Taskmaster! Please welcome our five contestants! And next to me, a man who once told me in confidence that his wife has filled his house with chintz. To keep it real I fuck him on the floor. It's little Alex Horne!

Mommy needs to be honest kitten. You're not a kitten, you're a puppy, I know. Actually, that's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about. You've let this whole puppygirl thing completely take over our sex life and to be honest it's not really clear to me that you really enjoy it anymore. You really seem stuck in a short-term hedonic spiral from posting about it on tumblr and getting likes. And I know it's hard to get out of that kind of thing but it's really been getting out of control. You said "we're trying for puppies" to my best friend of 15 years. Seriously? How the fuck am I supposed to live that down? No one was laughing. The room was dead silent and I wanted to sink into the floor. And this was days after I was crying my eyes out over the infertility stuff. So you came across as kind of an asshole on top of it. Yeah, I know you didn't mean it like that but you can only point to "bourgeois morality" so many times before it starts to feel like you're just saying "I'm sorry you got offended" you know? Like every time I try to express that some basic social decorum is necessary to preserve relationships I care about you start misquoting Bakunin. And like look you have a lot of positive qualities but I don't think this is working anymore. We both know it hasn't been good for a long time.

A Sensitive Smiler Shall Inherit The Earth 🌍

Hi this is jigsaw. last week in starbucks you did a gross fucking burp that put me off my panini. In front of you is a panini press. You will notice also, that your dick is out,

There’s a Better One in the Shed by Life of a Craphead

“We created two purple things with the restriction that when the bumpy one is shown the smooth one is kept in a shed nearby.”

Dude, sick reference to Snoop Dogg smoking weed. I can’t believe you’re so clever. You were clever enough to bring up Sm – Snoop smoking weed on your stream, because you KNEW that Snoap Dogg smoke weed, and Smoke Dogg, he is s҉m҉d҉snoop. And you KNEW that if you brought up the Smook Dogg smokin 𝚍veed, that you – people would know that! And they would 𝕔𝕝𝕒𝕡!

This starts out as a nice gesture, then quickly becomes absolutely ridiculous.

1,024 dice. Man.

I;m about to be killed but Im so stalwart guy and 1 foot tall too

post oversharing clarity is on the top 3 for most humiliating experiences ever, and it's not in third place

all of my haters want to see me bound bled and crucified for my misdeeds. my paramours also want to see me bound bled and crucified for my misdeeds but they get hard when they think about it so it;s fine

All my haters stay haters as I continue to be unsuccessful

not which is the best, because different stories require different mediums, but which you find yourself engaging with and enjoying the most.

video games include visual novels, fanfiction does not fall under anything in this poll.

and words are futile devices