myinnercritic-blog
My Inner Critic
My inner critic invites you to tag along on a journey through the deepest, darkest realms of bad fiction, as epitomized in the fanfictional beginnings of the now bestselling series 'Fifty Shades of Grey'. In other words, I am doing a through and critical reading of 'Master of the Universe' by Snowqueens Icedragon. Be warned: Kinky fuckery lies ahead (admittedly most of it is being censored, what with genitalia being vaguely alluded to as 'way down there', or simply just 'there'.) Nevertheless, twelve-year-olds, consider yourselves warned.
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Blatant plagiarism in the publishing industry
Sorry for the lack of updates. In the big computer crash of '12 I lost my copy of 'Master of the Universe', and retrieving it is turning out to be quite a challenge.
On a different note, are you fucking kidding me?!
Francesca Arno has been commissioned to create a grand centerpiece painting for the lobby of Ian Noble’s new skyscraper. It’s at a cocktail party in her honor that she first meets him—and the attraction is immediate for Francesca Anastasia. It’s also bewildering. She’s not used to such a wholesale sexual response to a stranger. Enigmatic, darkly intense, with a commanding presence, Ian Christian completely unnerves her. And she likes it.
For Ian, she’s the kind of woman he can’t resist—one that comes all too rarely: a true innocent. But he can sense in her a desire to open up, to experiment, to give herself to the fantasies of a man in control. The first kiss, the first caress, the first challenge for a woman who craves what she’s never had—a man who gets what he wants.
And it doesn't stop there.
Bared to You is narrated in first person by Eva Tramell Anastasia Steele, a recent graduate who has just moved to New York Seattle to begin work as an assistant to an ad agency executive publishing house executive. Along for the ride with Eva is her best friend and roommate Cary Kate, who is gorgeous, sweet, and bisexual.
The weekend before she is to start work, Eva goes to the Crossfire building, where she will be working, in order to familiarize herself with it. She loses her balance while helping another woman retrieve change she dropped, and a hot, charismatic man comes to her aid.
The man, Eva learns later, is Gideon Cross, the millionaire who owns not only the Crossfire building but other properties around the city as well. Gideon Christian is as unwittingly hot for Eva Ana as she is for him, and he pursues her relentlessly. But although part of Eva would love nothing more than to tumble between the sheets with Gideon and f–k his brains out, she is put off by the businesslike way Gideon tries to bring this outcome about.
If this isn't plagiarism, I don't know what is.
I'll admit I haven't read either of these books, nor do I intend to, but I've spent much of this evening reading about them and guess what? Gideon, the male lead in Bared to You, is already a CEO of a multimillion company at the age of twenty-eight! Sound familiar? And Eva, Gideon's female counterpart, is completely unaware of how beautiful she really is! Sound like someone we know (and loathe)?
Every woman and more than one man takes note of Gideon’s hotness. Eva marvels at his magnetism almost every time we see Gideon through her eyes, which is pretty often.
Now where have we heard that before? So much for beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Oh, and also according to dearauthor.com:
Gideon is also amazing in bed, both in his unusual stamina and in his ability to give Eva multiple orgasms.
And apparently this Gideon chap is a mercurial control freak to boot:
Instead, his controlling tendencies (investigating Eva, insisting she call him or talk to him, leaving multiple messages on her phone) repelled me, and I was equally put off by the way he blew hot and cold with Eva.
I don't even...
In case you were were curious about Because You Are Mine, let me assure you that there seems to be a legitimate plethora of similarities from that corner of the woods, as well.
Francesca feels out of place wearing her hand-me-down clothes in the new Noble Enterprises building's expensive restaurant amongst the well-coiffed wealthy.
Why, please tell me more.
She just doesn't fit.
Who wants to wager that she'll run off to listen to 'Misfits' by Amy Studt?
It's evident Francesca Arno is completely unaware of her beauty and innate sexual appeal, which mystifies Ian as do her gauche responses and mannerisms.
I bet that is evident, and abundantly so.
We are given more insight into Ian's temperament, his need for control as well as his recognition and acceptance that he is a full-blown sexual dominant.
A look inside his private, inner sanctum shows that Ian Noble is into some serious kink.
A look inside his playroom, you mean?
I never thought I'd feel bad for chastising E. L. for plagiarizing Stephenie Meyer.
#Fifty Shades of Grey#50SoG#50 shades of grey#Plagiarism#Crossfire#Bared to you#Sylvia Day#Beth Kery#Because You Are Mine#BDSM#Erotica#E. L. James#Shame on you!#Literature out of control#Unoriginality abounds
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“I need to talk to Rose. I’ve so many questions, about sex, and you’re just too involved. If you want me to do all these things… How do I know?” I pause, struggling to find the right words. “I just don’t have any terms of reference.”
Oh, hi, Bella! Remember what you said last night?
“Edward, what you fail to understand is that I wouldn’t talk about us to anyone anyway, even Rose, so it’s immaterial to me whether I sign an agreement or not. If it means so much to you, or your lawyer,whom
you
obviously talk to, then fine. I’ll sign.”
#Seriously#Focus!#Read before signing#What is wrong with these characters?#WTF#Consistency non grata#Bad writing#E. L. James#Fifty Shades of Grey#master of the universe
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He reaches up and pulls my chin.“Stop biting your lip or I will fuck you in the elevator… and I won’t care who gets in with us.”
Uh, okay.
What if a family with kids gets into the elevator?
#what is wrong with these characters#Lip biting#The ultimate aprhodisiac#Please quit talking#Bad writing#E. L. James#Fifty Shades of Grey#master of the universe
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It's perfectly natural that I should talk to someone, and I can't talk to him if he is so open one minute and so standoffish the next.
If you can't even talk to him, you should probably consider the immediate termination of your relationship.
#WTF#Where is your brain?#Do you hear yourself?#Seriously#Get a grip#Bad writing#E. L. James#Fifty Shades of Grey#Master of the Universe
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Taylor looks kindly at me, and I think I see a hint of pity hidden in the depths of his eyes.
No doubt he thinks I've succumbed to Mr. Cullen's dubious sexual habits. Well, not yet. Just his exceptional sexual habits(…)
Uh, yeah...
Wait, what?
Sexual habits are sexual habits.
#Awkward phrasing#WTF#What is wrong with you?#Focus!#Bad writing#E. L. James#Fifty Shades of Grey#Master of the Universe#Sexual habits
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"Tomorrow then," he says to Taylor, who nods.
"Yes Sir. Which car are you taking Sir?"
"Comma in direct address, Sir!"
Also, I might be misremembering, but I'm pretty sure Edward at one points mentions that he would like Bella to call him "Sir". Am I the only one that finds it a tad creepy that he makes the paid help call him by the same honorific?
#Abusing women and basic punctuation? No reason this book is outselling Harry Potter!#What has the world come to#Basic punctuation#Comma complex#Yes Sir#Bad writing#E. L. James#Fifty Shades of Grey#Master of the Universe
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He's wearing a black leather jacket. He certainly doesn't look like the multi-multi millionaire, billionaire, whateveraire, in these clothes. He looks like he's from the wrong side of the tracks. A badly behaved rock star or a catwalk model.
Apparently a leather jacket is all it takes to transform a businessman into the ultimate badboy. Well, I certainly know what I'm dressing up as for next Halloween!
Business mogul gone badass!
#Ugh#Shallowness#Those are two poor examples of what a badboy might look like#Also my new computer insists on correcting the word 'badboy' to 'batboy'#Leather jacket#Seriously#Bad writing#E. L. James#Fifty Shades of Grey#Master of the Universe
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E. L. James killed my brain
Just kidding, but I'm pretty sure I've lost about half my brain cells since I first laid eyes on the first draft of Fifty Shades of <insert something offensive here>.
I'm sorry for the unannounced hiatus. My faithful MacBook died unexpectedly, and my .gif collection and all my notations died with it. E. L. James might not have killed my brain, but I blame her awful writing for the death of my computer. I suspect my 'mean machine' could't handle having a copy of 'Fifty' saved on its hard disk any longer and decided to opt for the easy way out.
On a different (though related) note, when I went down to the Apple store to buy myself a new computer (because some women actually do buy their own stuff), I discovered to my great distress that the MacBook I knew and loved (the good ol' Macbook that was simply named 'MacBook', unaccompanied by a suffix of the 'pro' variety) has been taken off the market. Which in turn left me with no other option than to buy the exact same model that I think E. L. James intended for AnaBella to have:
“It’s a MacBook.”
“Of course it is.” I roll my eyes.
“These aren’t available in the shops yet ma’am. The very latest from Apple.”
I don't know when I'll be back, but I need a little more time to reassemble everything I lost in the crash.
#FML#MacBook#WHY?!#What was wrong with the good old MacBook?#Mean machine#Fifty Shades of Grey#E. L. James#Seth Cohen#The O. C.#.gif#My apologies
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What happened to the generous, relaxed, smiling man who was making love to me not half an hour ago?
Not half an hour ago:
I am panting, and vaguely I hear the rip of foil and then he’s in me. Fast, hard and large, thrusting into me, over and over, implacable, pushing me over the edge again.
This book talks a great deal about the difference between lovemaking and hard fucking, but for all intents and purposes the two terms appear to be completely interchangeable.
#Lovemaking vs. hard fucking#What's the difference?#Continuity fail#I don't make love. I fuck... HARD!#WTF#Bad writing#E. L. James#Fifty Shades of Grey#Master of the Universe
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“I’ll just make a call,” I murmur. I just want to hear Rose’s voice.
He frowns. “The photographer?” His jaw clenches and his eyes burn. I blink at him. “I don’t like to share Miss Swan, remember that.” His quiet chilling tone is a warning, and with one long, cold look at me he heads back to the bedroom.
So, now it appears that Edward wants Bella to cut all contact with her male friends, simply because he "doesn't like to share".
Excerpt from an article called 'How can I teach my toddler to share?":
When your toddler refuses to share his favorite truck (or even his least favorite truck), he isn't really being selfish — he's just acting his age.
And when your boyfriend refuses to let you hang out with your male friends, he isn't really being selfish - he's just acting like a toddler.
#Sharing is caring#Ass#Seriously?#Who does this?#Bella really ought to see the danger signs here#Alarm bells are a'ringin'#Male rivalry: the driving force behind Twilight#Bad writing#E. L. James#Fifty Shades of Grey#Master of the Universe
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I don’t have access to a computer, only Rose’s laptop and Newton’s doesn’t have one.
Besides, this sort of ‘research’ is not something I can do at work surely?
If Newton's doesn't have a computer anyway, what was the point of including that last sentence?
#WTF#Redundancy#What a waste of paper and ink#Seriously?#Focus!#Bad writing#E. L. James#Fifty Shades of Grey#Master of the Universe
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“You’ll be amazed what you can find on the Internet,” he murmurs.
Internet! I don’t have access to a computer, only Rose’s laptop and Newton’s doesn’t have one.
Internet!
There is so much wrong with this that I barely know where to begin.
1. How does E. L. James imagine that a twenty-one-year-old college graduate has survived the past four years without access to computers? I'm a college student, I have an e-mail address linked to the university I attend, and every single assignment I've handed in over the past year has been submitted electronically. I also use my computer to do research; a foreign concept to Bella.
2. We've already established that Bella has an iPod, and also that there's music on her iPod.
I take my ipod out of the bag and plug my headphones in… nothing like music to cook by.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't you have to hook an iPod up to a computer in order to transfer audio files to the iPod? At least that's how my iPod works.
3. Remember when Edward sent Bella those expensive books?
Rose is standing on the steps up to the front door holding a brown paper parcel. Odd… I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon recently.
Odd... last I checked, Amazon was a website.
#The mystery of Bella's missing computer#WTF#Continuity fail#I shouldn't have to remind you what you've written E. L.#The mean machine#Internet!#Seriously#What was the point of that?#Is it important to the plot that Bella doesn't own a computer? Was this only included so Edward could buy her even more things?#Bad writing#E. L. James#Fifty Shades of Grey#Master of the Universe
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"And may I suggest you do some research, so you know what you’re letting yourself in for.” He pauses. “That’s if you agree. And I really hope you do,” he adds, his tone softer, anxious.
“Research?”
Bella: "Research? What is this strange and foreign word of which you speak?"
And we're still supposed to believe that this chick is a college graduate with a degree in literature?
#Research? What's that?#What do you think it means#Honestly#...#I don't know what to say#It's obvious what he means#Bad writing#E. L. James#Fifty Shades of Grey#Master of the Universe
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He looks forbidding, and with one quick glance at me, he heads into his study and returns a moment later. “This is the contract. Read it, and we’ll discuss it next weekend."
#This is literally what happens#WTF#Seriously#What is wrong with these characters?#Is this E. L. James' idea of love?#Bad writing#Sheldon Cooper#Amy Farrah Fowler#The Big Bang Theory#.gif#E. L. James#Fifty Shades of Grey#Master of the Universe
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His mouth presses in a hard line and he makes a call.
“Kate, what’s the issue?” he snaps. [...]
“I’m not having either crew put at risk. No, cancel…. We’ll air drop instead…. Good.” He hangs up.
Does this have anything to do with the Darfur shipment?
Are Edward's crews going to skydive from a moving helicopter and down into the Rocky Mountains, all the while clutching a mysterious package emanating from Darfur?
One can only wonder why the delivery of the Darfur shipment isn't the main plot. It sounds far more exhilarating than reading about Edward's beautiful and impassive face pressing into hard lines.
#WTF#The Darfur shipment#I vote for a rewrite in which the book is written from the point of view of the crew captain#Preferably not written by E. L. James#Major plot malfunction#Bad writing#E. L. James#Fifty Shades of Grey#Master of the Universe
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Taylor nods at me. “Miss Swan.”
I smile tentatively back at him and he turns and leaves.
“Does he live here?”
“Yes.” His tone is clipped.
What is his problem?
What's Edward's problem?
My guesses:
He doesn't want Bella to have any male friends, i. e. potential rivals. (This is probably what E. L. James is getting at.)
He's worried that the mysterious Darfur shipment will be the death of his precious helicopter. (He should be.)
Edward, the Oedipus Complex incarnate, is disappointed that his mother left so quickly. (Given how delighted he was at her arrival, this is only logical.)
He's annoyed that Bella excused herself to pick up the phone while he was introducing her to his mother. (Frankly, he has every right to be. I know I would be pissed off if my boyfriend had acted this rude the first time I introduced him to my family.)
#The stone age called: they want their cavemen back#So many possibilities#The Darfur shipment#Both our main characters belong in an asylum#Mommy issues#Bad writing#E. L. James#Fifty Shades of Grey#Master of the Universe
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Taylor reappears.
“Mr. Cullen, there’s an issue with the Darfur shipment.”
Edward nods curtly at him. “Get the helicopter back to Sea Tac and stand down the pilot."
How the fuck is a helicopter at Sea Tac supposed to help 'the Darfur shipment'?
Just like airplanes, helicopters have a maximum capacity for how much weight they can carry. This is why baggage allowance exist. Given that a helicopter is much smaller than an airplane, I doubt it's able to carry a whole lot of cargo.
Unless Edward is trying to smuggle unpolluted Sudanian air into America, I sincerely doubt that his helicopter will be in any way useful to 'the Darfur shipment'.
Of course, I know full well that this is just E. L. James reminding us once more that Edward is a super important international businessman, just in case any of us had forgotten. Still, there's no excuse for idiocy.
#WTF#Rant#Continuity fail#I'm not impressed#Flaunting the wealth#Bad writing#E. L. James#Fifty Shades of Grey#Master of the Universe
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