4/5-2018

So... I need to get some things off of my mind, according to my psychiatrist that is. Or meaby she´s right, i just can't seem to care. I know I should, but I don't. She asked me to start this in the beginning of the year, but here we are only five months late...yay... It feels like the only way I can get my feelings organised nowadays is through wrighting, i don't know why, but really i don't care, i don't have the will to care, and you know what's worse? I don't care that I don't care. It's kinda weird, how you can go from beding a slightly offputting mess of a human to become an fully blown out carwreck in a thew months. Like really it's actually kinds scary, that your life can just flip like that... that's scary as fuck. I sometimes scare myself, or actually I'm terrified of myself constantly. I'm scared because I know what I'm capable of, I know what I can do to myself, I know what I have done to myself. I'm just tired. So. FUCKING. Tired. I'm so done with everything. I'm done with friends, the friends that was always going be there, but is now gone with the wind like a fucking CSI missing people case. I'm done with the people that are still here, the ones that truly care but are now seeking on eggshells around me like I'm some kind of porcelain doll who will break if you breath hard enough around it.

I'm done with my illness, my "made up for attention" and "it's just a cry for help" illness. I'm done being a desperate bitch with separation anxiety issues, I'm done being a "victim" of my own mind. I'm done with crying and crying out because noone really truly listens anyway. I'm just done. SO fucking done. And still I can't seem to kill myself. Life is full of irony I guess... If you for some reason are reading this,  and "you" as in not me. Then First- No,this is not a cry for help, or a desperate attemt to get attention,i've done my crying. Secondly-  I bet you got something better to do, do that instead.