A New Record Explained

So as I mentioned earlier, the mother in law was to spend the summer with them to watch the boys while Starla worked. 

She arrived on Friday.

On Saturday she begged Brian to take her to the ER because she had a cough. She has no job or insurance so he said no, it’s just a smoker’s cough.

On Sunday, in order to get Brian out of the house, she asked him to go buy her some Vapo Rub to help her breathe. While he was gone, Starla took her to the ER. There she tested positive for a certain virus that has been wreaking havoc lately.  Doctor told her it was a milder variant and she was exhibiting no symptoms so she should probably just go home.  She insisted that they admit her into the hospital.  They said they were short staffed and were unable to admit her.  Starla drove her to another hospital two hours away and convinced them to admit her.

On Monday(which was to be her first day on the job) Starla called her new boss and told him she needed to go ahead and take her two weeks vacation now because her mother was sick and she no longer had anyone to watch the boys. Boss said no thanks and let her go.

A New Record

Folks, we may have a new record here.

She’s already been fired from the job at the optometrist’s office.

Today was her first day.

They fired her after the first day.

Mother In Law

Starla convinced Brian to let her mother stay the summer with them to watch the boys now that Starla has a job.

Her mother drove up from Louisiana, but her phone died somewhere along the way.  She forgot to pack a charger. She missed every exit and ended up driving three hours farther north.  She stopped at a gas station and called Starla.  Brian gave her directions(it was a straight shot from the gas station to their house. No turns or anything), but she insisted she wouldn’t be able to follow them so Brian had to drive six hours round trip to get her.

Like her daughter, this woman suffers from munchhausen syndrome. A day after arriving, she insisted she needed to go to the ER for an MRI because she had a cough.  She smokes multiple packs a day and has had a smoker’s cough since before Brian and Starla got married.  She has no job or insurance so she begged Brian to give her $500 to go to the ER. He can’t afford that so he told her he couldn’t.  She is now refusing to get out of bed, insisting that she is sick and needs medication.

ANOTHER Job

Well, she has gotten yet another job in the medical field.  This time she has been hired by an optometrist. God only knows what she put on her resume this time to get that job, but she is assisting the doctor with eye exams.

She’ll be getting fired any day now. Let’s start the countdown clock shall we?

Birthday Party

Little Conway turned five this weekend.  Starla threw a superhero themed birthday party for him in the park.

Let’s run down the list of failures here.

1.  Starla saw “Hulk Juice” on Pinterest.  She loved the picture, but didn’t bother to read the directions.  Instead of using Lime Kool-Aid, she just mixed sugar, water, and green food coloring.  It was so disgusting even the kids wouldn’t drink it.

2. The banner she hung up read “HAPPY BIRTHAY!”

3. Conway had requested an Avengers cake. She bought a plain white cake and found some Cosmo Warrior(knock off Power Rangers) action figures and stuck them on the cake. “He won’t know the difference,” she said. He noticed.

4. She saw an idea on Pinterest where you draw a cape on the sidewalk with some chalk, have the kid lie down on his side next to the cape, and take an overhead picture.  She drew some weird square shape and had the kids lie facedown on the sidewalk.  She then took the picture from an odd angle, near the ground. The sidewalk was incredibly hot and the kids were crying and squirming so she ended up with lots of blurry pictures of screaming kids lying on the sidewalk with her shadow covering most of them.

5. She didn’t know you had to reserve the outdoor pavilion. Right in the middle of the party, a group showed up to begin decorating for another party. They told her they had reserved the area, but Starla refused to leave.  They had to call security and the party was shutdown.

Sherlock

I mentioned in an earlier post that the youngest kid, named Conway, seems to take after Brian in the intelligence department.  He is smart, but I’m afraid he’s just as wild as Braxton was before they medicated him.  At nearly five years old, he can already out smart Starla(not a big accomplishment, I know).  He will do something bad and frame Braxton to take the fall.  It is blatantly obvious to any onlooker, but Starla falls for it every time.

They were playing with finger paints the other day.  Conway dipped his hands in the red paint and made hand prints on the wall.  When Starla demanded to know who did it, he said Braxton.

Let’s look at the clues shall we?

First, Braxton’s hands are twice the size of Conway’s.  The hand prints were clearly made by small, four year old hands.

Second, Braxton was painting with BLUE paint so his fingers were covered in BLUE paint.  Conway was painting with RED paint and his entire hands were covered in RED paint.  The hand prints on the wall were RED.

Starla yelled at Braxton and sent him to his room.  

Gee, why does he have anger issues?

Peace and Calming

Starla is now selling Essential Oils. Her Facebook feed is nothing but misspelled, poorly worded testimonials.

She talks about Braxton’s anger issues and how much he loves the Peace and Calming oils.  She then attaches a video of Braxton, looking like a Tim Burton character with the black circles under his eyes, staring blankly at the camera while he slowly and methodically rubs the oil on his wrists.

“Even my youngest loves the Peace and Calming!” she writes. “He runs through the house screaming ‘Peace and Calming!’“ She then attaches a video of the youngest bouncing off the furniture screaming at the top of his lungs “PEACE AND CALMING!!!! PEACE AND CALMING!!!”

She has yet to sell the first oil.

Smarter Than a Fourth Grader?

When the schools were shut down due to the virus and the students were required to work from home, Starla thought this would be an excellent opportunity to bring Braxton’s grades up.

“I’ll just do the work for him!” she said. “No one will ever know!”

The teacher called a few weeks ago, concerned about the quality of Braxton’s work. “He” had failed most of the assignments and she suggested that Starla or Brian help him with them.

Starla complained to me that the teacher is obviously incompetent! 

“I’m smart!  I know I did the work right! No wonder Braxton is struggling!  The teacher doesn’t know how to grade!”

Yes.  That must be it.

Child from The Omen

Braxton is about ten now and has been nearly expelled from school multiple times for behavior.  He has extreme anger issues and will violently react when he doesn’t get his way. The teachers said he has ADHD and recommended medication.  Now, instead of a wild, tantrum-throwing hooligan, he is a dead eyed zombie.  He just stares at you with a blank, hollow expression.  The circles under his eyes are so dark someone asked if he was wearing makeup or if he had been in a fight.

Now, instead of screaming “I HATE YOU!” at Starla, he says in a dead-eyed, monotone voice, “You’ll be sorry.  One day, I’ll make you sorry.”

One of their neighbors actually told me he frightens her.  Whenever she works in her yard, he will just stand in his yard, watching her.  She waves and says hi to him and asks how he is, but the only time he ever responded he just said, “I like your skin.”   Usually he just stares like Damien from the Omen.

Starla, oblivious as always, loves it.  “He’s so well behaved now!” she says. “I might go ahead and give his brother the medication too! He’s starting to get a little wild.”

Public Indecency?

Took Brian, Starla, and the boys out to eat last night.  While standing in a long line outside, the five year old tells Starla he has to pee.  I tell her there is a bathroom inside and turn back to my conversation with Brian.  Seconds later I hear a shriek. I turn around and see that Starla has pulled a towel from her purse and is holding it in front of the kid while he pees on the sidewalk!  The sidewalk is at an incline so the pee in running down the sidewalk and the people in line behind us are jumping out of the way to avoid the stream. We were asked to leave.  I was more than happy to oblige.

911

Every year her new years’ resolution is to exercise.  Every year she talks a big game, but never actually goes through with it. Brian has bought her so much workout gear over the years she could open her own store.  None of it has ever been used.

Yesterday she FINALLY went to the track and power walked almost an entire lap.  She called me in a panic.  After walking nearly all the way around the track, her legs felt wobbly and she was out of breath! Instead of feeling energized, she felt tired!  She wanted to know if she should call 911.

DUI

I’ve mentioned her addiction to doctors and prescription drugs before.  She currently has twelve different prescriptions from four different doctors.  Pretty much whenever she sees a medication commercial she rushes to the doctor and tells him she thinks it might be right for her.  

She’s been taking double the prescribed dose because, “One dose just doesn’t do anything.”  Yesterday, she popped a handful of pills and tried to drive the three year old to daycare.  She was swerving so bad three people called the police.  She ended up side swiping three cars, took out a  few mail boxes, and ended up in a ditch.  She was so out of it, instead of opening her door, she smashed out the window and crawled out.  She then ran around and smashed out the passenger side window before realizing, the three year old was in the backseat, so she smashed that window too.  No one was injured, thank goodness

The cops showed up, gave her a sobriety test, handcuffed her, and hauled her off to jail where she remained for twelve hours.  Brian had to come up with $1,000 to bail her out.

DHR was called again.

DHR

Once again, I have fallen behind with this blog.  My apologies.

Last August she left the boys in the car while she went shopping.

August.

In the south.

But she cracked a window, so hey, the kids will be fine, right?

They got hot and started trying to roll down the window, but only succeeded in knocking the car out of gear. It rolled across the parking lot and smashed into a car.  Luckily no one was hurt, but DHR was called.

Nothing came of it.

Water Challenge

She's doing a water challenge diet. You're suppose to drink at least a gallon of water a day to decrease appetite and flush toxins from your body. She's been doing it for a month and called me, complaining that she has gained several pounds! Took a little digging, but I finally discovered the problem. "Well I don't really like plain water," she admitted. "So I've been mixing mine with Kool-Aid." She's been drinking a gallon of grape Kool-Aid every day for a month. Gee, why can't she lose weight?

Repititious

She just got fired from the hospital.  Same reasons as before.  She was crying that some mean, bossy nurse always ruins it for her!  

“I had the best Youtube skills out of all the applicants and the head nurse kept trying to tell me how to do my job! No one tells me what to do! I’m smart! I do what I want!”

I suppose I could just copy and paste the same post over and over again when it comes to her jobs.

Ebay Deception

Last month she gave me her engagement ring and asked me to sell it for her on eBay.  She said she hated to, but it was breaking her finger out so she couldn’t wear it anymore and she couldn’t figure out how eBay worked.

She just posted a picture on Facebook of a brand new engagement ring on her finger. “Brian gave me my Christmas present early!  A new engagement ring to replace the one I lost!”

Now she’s a lying moron.

Elf on a Shelf

So she decided to do the elf on a shelf this year, but not before lecturing other parents via a VERY long Facebook post. Unlike other people, SHE was going to be a responsible parent. Her elf was not going to cause mischief because that sets a bad example for kids. Instead, her elf was going to leave little helpful notes to remind her boys to brush their teeth and make their beds. She posted a picture of her elf holding a little pack of dental floss while looking at an open bible.

I guess that piety only lasted a day because the very next morning she posted a picture of her elf wrapped provocatively around a towel rack(which looked very much like a stripper pole), squatting on the kitchen counter with two unwrapped Hershey's kisses under his butt.