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my-life-as-single-braver-mom · 4 years

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for Audi =)

I can still remember the chills when I finally confirmed that you are inside of me. The rush of emotions are there, I just can’t believe it’s happening. I remember my dreams, my weaknesses, my impulsive decisions but most especially the transformation of my single years to a double one with you.

You were four weeks old then, just an amniotic sac-- no embryo. no signs of anything what you will become.. I wasn’t expecting your coming this early. Which I originally plan, two years from that year itself. But God knows the best timing and He makes it beautiful this time.

My pregnancy was not easy. I’m not referring to morning sickness and restless feelings but the transition of my life, the preps that I have to and everything that I need to because none of them comes with manuals all I have was testimonies from real time mothers before I finally held you..

I’ve hanged, I felt it. Physically, mentally and emotionally – but I’m not aware of it except from what i saw. I thought, I’m just juggling things so much that even a simple mistakes and misunderstanding literally becomes a big deal. Wherein, I was not that before, my patience can covers a multitude of sins. I was like a fragile thing that when you hit me even if you are not intended to I’ll freak out. Maybe that’s horrible about my pregnancy that everybody’s a threat for you and me.

I took care of you soo tight and pray for us two. That whenever I travel alone you’ll be safe. Remember the time you and me got in trouble.. I was so afraid, But despite of it I took the examinations bravely just to see you moving and hear your heartbeat. I was relieved when the Doctor said, you’re fine. Wonderfully fine. I can still remember your leg swaying there inside of me. Afterwards, I’ve ate Jollibee supermeal after hearing the result, well it tastes good. Not to mention-- I does Nora Aunor tear the moment I heard your heartbeat.

I can’t count the stressful moments that we had, those moments your moving because of uncomfortable happenings, those moments and words that I wish I have ‘not heard... It’s too much, you want to go out at the very crucial weeks. I remember, taking those nids and I don’t want to recall those things like that bitter taste of what I have took just to save you..

Those sleepless nights, nesting and waiting for you while I spread my extra virgin olive oil on my stretchy tummy and listening to Beethoven symphony, Mozart and lots and lots of lullabies that are now your fave music to listen to. I honestly enjoy every single piece of it.. Since, my womb is the safetest place where you can stay and no one can take you out there but only God knows when...

And again, we made it and my heart is full every time we get everything done. You came earlier unplanned but never a mistake or dream crashers. I can still remember the pain, the complications that I am still battling up until now and that moment I am telling you have to came out stronger and live this life to the fullest. That whenever, this life took me while I’m giving birth on you, you will become braver as I’m.

When I heard your first cry, I feel relief at least I heard it I don’t know what comes next. All I knew was I’m chilling at my room while recovering--- I can’t even held you for the first time and offer this breast for you to felt warm and simply tells you I’m here--- just here but my weak body can’t get into you. But still you manages to sleep even the cold bothers you every time.

I don’t know but I felt the PPD so early, few hours after I gave birth. My mind tells me I don’t want to hold you nor see you. I just simply don’t even understand what I’m going through.. I’ m again not aware of what’s happening within me.. Or i just can’t accept the fact that now you are existing and I have not done it in natural birth..

Those Days of weak body really dictates my worthlessness and the feeling of unwanted hit me every time… am I enough for this little angel bestowed upon me. Or and am I worthy of you. Again another changes in my life that I refuse to accept. But still you never fail to enlighten me.

Maybe Because, It is not a Job that I can simply pass my Resignation off effective today.

Each moment, I’m trying to regain the confidence through your eyes and through you as a whole and a blessing. I never knew I’m capable of bringing life into this world and one day you’ll also do the same. Promise, I might not here 24/7 whenever things get lost but I will always be your couch. It’s not me who gave life in you and the absence some persons I choose to crossed out does not mean our life will shattered, YOU and I were born to be strong enough and get everything done.

I failed to become a person that I envisioned years ago. I failed everything I gave a shot with. I never knew I was this dedicated and I never knew that behind those fears, this little hands and feet will restore my life into a much braver version of myself..

You gave me life a purpose. Thats it. Thats what I mean to..

Audrielle’s.

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my-life-as-single-braver-mom · 4 years

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Before the year ends.

2019.

All i can say is you are indeed a year to be thankful for. You taught me alot.

You actually induced me till my last breath.

May last term of pregnancy. My stupid roller coaster life. And welcoming my Newborn beautiful daughter which you greatly gave a bang. An answered prayer..

January, words of shit. February month to worry. March the greatest blessing, my power get it done. April. The enjoyment--half stress. May the highlight of all. June fucking shit. July garbage attitude. August payback time. September Give all your shit. October, unworthy still .. November- kinda okay but still shit. December- planning to trash all those shit and shitty pips.

See, i can easily enumerate how fucking this yr tho..

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my-life-as-single-braver-mom · 4 years

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Malapit na anh pasko. Gusto ko sana mag kasama aama kami kasi 1st Christmas ni Audi . . Yun lang naman ang wish ko.. yung araw na yun kasi para sa pamilya yun gusto ko man lang makasama mag ama ko.. makita kong buo kami.

Kunh ikaw may nauuwian kang buong pamilya.. masaya, wlang nanghihimasok, walang gulo walang atribida at malaya kayonh dalawa.. swerte nyo. Ipaglaban mo ang pamilya mo at palagi mong piliin yun. Minsan kahit durog na durog kana. Hindi naman sa kawawa ang bata, whereas modern women talag tough and independent. Lets be realistic, gusto natin ibigay ang nakalakihan nating buong pamilya.. Ayaw kong maging cause ng lungkot ng anak ko ang broken family, kasi yung ama nya cant come in circumtances. Iba ang relasyon mag asawa at relasyon nila bilang mag ama. Its two different thing. Na maari nyong pag usapan, maaring agreement na kapag ma front ni baby no arguments lets be casual.

Well, mahirap. Hindi sa lahat ng pagkakataon applicable. At di lahat ng pagkakataon maari. Pero women ang design to sacrifice things at tiisin to the limit ang mga bagay bagay.

Ewan, bat kasi may mga babarng sumisira nun.. hnd kasama jan yung mga nangiiwan ng sariling anak o ipinag papalit ang lahat para sumama sa kalaguyo nila.

Basta, para sa akin... ayaw kong di ako makikilala ng anak ko.

Siguro one day.. gaya nga ng sinabe ko sa asawa ko, one day we will wake up together again at ipapagluto ko sya ulit gaya ng dati. Pag sisolbihan ko pa din sya gaya ng dati... at kabit nya ako sa gabi.. at ako pa din ang pinaka worst nyang kaaway. Haha.

As of now, wala akong balak na mag hanap pa ng iba. Sya pa din ang mahal ko. Kung mauna man syang humanap ng iba. Fine, masakit pero ganun talaga. Ang mahalaga, nasa akin ang anak ko at gagawin ko ang lahat mabigyan sya ng magandang bukas..

Hays, adult.. hirap.. napaka komplikado ng bagay bagay hindi pwedeng bira lang ng bira.. hindi pwede mag marunong at maki alam..

Kung probelma ng isa let his /her solve it.. finest..

Pero anot anu man ang choices nya let it be... choice nya un.. wag mo ijudge, you arent on his shoes at the 1st place. Whenever makkasama sa kanya yun o hindi.. He choose it. And he thinks thats the best. Mag kamali man sya sa pinili nya.... Atleast natuto.. wherein, pain is the best teacher.

Remember, the quote... Your children can touch the hot stove once..

Acknowledge, reflect and be wise.

💯❤ ill be back soon.

Ps.sana matupad wish ko. 💛

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my-life-as-single-braver-mom · 4 years

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Dear my sexy ass husband,

Happy Birthday.

Thank you for doing your best for Audi. Sana yung mga plans natin (if ever) mag manifest pa din like to spend the rest of my life with you at ng mga anak natin sa banaba kung saan tayo nag simula. magkaroon tayo ng properties and yung construction company haha. If not, I hope you 'll make it with someone else better..

Maikli lang yung panahon na binigay ni God para sa ating dalawa to know each other. and both of us is not a good sport..

Iwasan mo na pagiging mainitin ng ulo mo at pagiging bossy saka yang pag sasalita mo ng masakit dahil hindi lahat ng tao can understand and can really move on to that easily. Sana mas matutunan mo mag prioritized ng mga bagay bagay. Not everyone will understand and give patience, baka kapag kaka'sira natin ng isat isa hindi na tayo maging masaya.

Let us build each other up saperately. Up Until we're ready.

Ill promise to take care of audi whether anjan ka pa or hindi na. Pero wait lang.. Palagi kitang hihintayin..

Siguro we just need to be mature enough to face things and face the consequences. Alam mo having kids was my greatest fear. Pero dahil sayo hindi ko akalain kaya ko pala.. from pregnancy to giving birth.. and raising her alone. Without you, I was not this stronger..

Ikaw pa din ang asawa ko. Hindi ko man naiparamdam how important you are at kung gaano kita ka mahal. Kasi, Not all feelings are in need to being show and not all being seen was true..

Sorry sa pagiging mataray. Atleast maganda naman.. ewan, gusto kita palaging awayin ee..

Mag diet ka. Kumain ng gulay. At bawasan hanggang sa tigilan mo na ang bisyo mo dahil baka hindi mo na maabutan ang apo mo kay audi. Alagaan mo palagi ang sarili mo para sa iyo din yan dahil palagi ka pa din may uuwian pamilya sa aming dalawa ng anak mo.

Wish ko one day we will wake up together again tapos mag luluto ako ng garlic rice at hawot para sayo..

Mahaaa kita. Love. 🙄

His answered :

"I love you love.. garlic rice! Mwaahhh thanks pav aalalaga kay audi.. love you both!"

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my-life-as-single-braver-mom · 4 years

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I dont know how,

I dont know where to start.

I'm tired and deeply hurt.

All i knee was us together

And hoping we can undo

We can still live that yesterday.

Lets face it.

Its not easy just like a snap,

Yours isn't the best answer;

Yours isn't the cure for everybody

But another multitude of sins.

All we can do is to surrender things,

Watch each day with hope and bliss.

Make a day dream of patterns,

that whenever the sunset comes,

You'll be home with us..

��

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my-life-as-single-braver-mom · 4 years

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I want to jot down my 2020 goals. But my battery percentage isn't making it possible tho. Pang stalk na lang yung battery.. 😳

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my-life-as-single-braver-mom · 4 years

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My Daughter

I can still remember the chills when I finslly confirmed that you are inside of me. The rush of emotions were there, I just can't believe its happening.

You were four weeks old then, just an amiotic sac no embryo. no signs of anything that you will become.. But i know i wasn't ready in soo many means. I wasn't expecting your coming this early. Which I originaly plan, twoyears from that year itself.. But God knows the best timing and He makes beutiful this time.

My pregnancy was not easy. Not the morning sickness and restless feelings but the transition of my life, the preps that I have to and everything that I need to because none of them comes with manuals all I have was testimonies from real time mothers before I finally held you..

I've hanged, I felt it.. Physically, Mentally and emotionally -- but I'm not aware of it except from what i saw. I thought, I'm just juggling things soo much that even a simple mistakes and misunderstanding I'm taking it a big deal. Wherein, I was not that before, my patience can covers a multitude of sins but again I was not aware of. I was like a fragile thing that when you hit me even if you are not intended to I 'll freak out. Maybe thats the horrible about my pregnancy that everybody's a threat for you and me.. a nightmare tho.

I took care of you soo tight and pray for us two. That whenever I travel alone you"ll be safe. Remember the time you and me got in trouble.. I was soo afraid, But despite of it I took the examinations bravely just to see you moving and hear your heartbeat. I was relieved when the Doctor said, you 're fine. Wonderfully fine..afterwards, I've ate Jollibee supermeal right after hearing the result, well it tastes good. Not to mention I does Nora Aunor tear the moment I heard your heartbeat.

I can't count the stressful moments that we had been, those moments your moving because of uncomfortable happenings, those moments and words that I wish I have 'nt heard.. likewise, Im fragile and the feeling of being broken will come after. Its too much, you want to go out at the very crucial weeks. I remember, taking those nids and I dont want to remember those things like the bitter taste of what I have took just to save you..

Those sleepless nights, nesting and waiting for you while I spread my extra virgin olive oil on my strechy tummy and listening to betthoven symphony, mozart and lots and lots of lullabies that are now your fave music to listen to. I honestly enjoy every single piece of it.. Since , my womb is the safetest place where you can stay and no one can take you out there but only God knows when..

And Again, we made it and my heart is full everytime we get everything done. You came earlier that what I expected. I can still remember the pain, the complications that I m still battling up until now and the moment I m telling you to came out stronger and live this life to the fullest. That whenever, this life took me while Im giving birth on you, you will become braver as Iam.

When I heard your first cry, I feel relief atleast I heard it I dont know whats next after that. All I knew was Im chilling at my room while recovering I can't even held you for the first time and offer this breast for you to felt warm and simply tells you I'm here just here but my weak body can't get into you. But still you manages to sleep tho the cold bothers you every time.

I dont know but I felt the PPD soo early, few hours after I gave birth. My mind tells me I dont want to held you nor see you. I just simply dont even understand what I'm going through.. I' m again not aware of whats happening whithin me.. or i just cant accept the fact that now you are existing and I have not done it in natural birth..

Those Days of weak body really dictates my worthlessness and the feeling of unwanted hit me everytime... am I enough for this little angel bestowed upon me. Or and am I worthy of you. Again another changes in my life that I refuse to accept. But still you never fail to enlighten me.

Each day, Im trying to regain the confidence through your eyes and through you as a whole and a blessing. I never knew Im capable of bringing life into this world and one day you'll also do the same. Promise, I might not here 24/7 whenever things get lost but I will always be your couch. Its not me who gave life in you, but you is the one who give me life. And the absence of one person does not mean our life will shattered, Your Mom was born to be strong enough and get everything done.

I failed to become a person that I envisioned years ago. I failed everything I gave a shot with. I never knew I was this dedicated and I never knew that behind those fears, this little hands and feet will restore my life into a much braver version of myself..

You gave me life a purpose. Thats it. Thats what I mean to..

Audrielle's.

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my-life-as-single-braver-mom · 4 years

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Negatives🧩

My self.

The pain does hurt soo bad..

😩😥😰

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my-life-as-single-braver-mom · 4 years

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Open Letter ✉

Dear Ex Husband,

I hope you are in good terms in all means now after a fight yesterday.

I honestly tired. I can't help but decided to not talk to you again. I did everything I can but to tell you, I cant make it alone. Mag isa. Hindi ko na kayang i- take ang masasakit na salita, just for this inner self proclaim HOPE for Audi.

Kahapon pakiramdam ko bumalik na naman ung devastation, ung parang nauupos akong kandila. Blaming myself, na oo nga nuh kasalanan ko. Oo nga nuh, masakit ako sa ulo. Hindi ba ako pwede mag kamali? Hindi ba ako deserving for a chance? Ako lang ba talaga ang may dahilan.

Lahat ba ng naramdaman ko invalide kasi i done wrong. Yun ba, pag iwan mo sa akin sa ere, mag isa, hopeless.. mas malala pa ba yun sa nagawa ko.. Minsan, na kwekwestyon ko na yung communication skills ko ee.. Hindi na ata ako sing- precise mag compose nang sasabihin.. baka masyadong magulo tlaga ang nga thoughts ko.. o sadyang Im struggling into something.

Mula noon dumating sa buhay ko si audi, hindi ko na naisip ang sarili ko. Kinalimutan ko na Oo nga pala, babae ako.. I deserve to be wed in you, i deserve to be love and respected and be heard. I deserve things that a good man will provide.. I need help, I cannot make it alone just like before.

I felt, wala na. Wala kang plano at di mo na kami pwede pang balikan undercircumstances. Hindi ko masasabing deserve ng anak ko to' at mas lalong di ko din deserve yung nangyayare. Kahit gaano kagulo ung sitwasyon if were still teamate we can get everything done. But again I was not your teamate now.. I was just someone you had a Child with and a nobody who'll never be part pf your everything. Sorry, I Cant i was not perfect. Iive realized the changes when I got pregnant which I honestly Im not well off. I was not ready. Everything I look at was frustrations and when I gave birth expectations did not meet.. Not everything that was planned will happen.. Im not ready to embrace changes, and that's my weakness.. and now broken and alone.

I will be with Audi, carry her alone. With this journey-- one day. I dont know, If you will be part of it. But one thing is for sure. That time I can think of straight, clearer and with convictions just like the time we've meet.

I ll promise to see you with smile and never fight in front of our daughter.. I want her to feel safe when were together. Thats the time whether you are wrong, I"ll let you win.

Im sorry. But Im tired. Just tired. I never feel even a single sincere apology.

I hope to find my worth. My self. Believe me im trying, before audi start critizing my actions -- how impulsive I'am and acquire it. And I wont let that happen...

I try my best to be her best. And I hope you too. Even if we are totally out of the picture and you are happy. 😊

your, Ex wife. 😰

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my-life-as-single-braver-mom · 4 years

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Open Letter 🗼

Dear Ex Husband,

My Love, its been 5 months of not being with you. I really miss everything. Miss ko na ang lambing mo at ang tawanan natin. Most specially kapag inaaway kita..

Bilis noh, from workmates, to friends, to its complicated, to Oo ba o Hindi, to Ma pa lang kita at tuloy naging mag jowa at naging asawa kita at nagkaroon tayo ng Anak si Audi. All happens in more than a year as in the transition of my life happens soo fast.. that my powers can't take it..

Im proud of who you are today, kahit naman dati pa. But things get worse and complicated for us.. daming nangyre diba.

Pero the moment you left us, Hindi ko alam yung gagawin ko. I have Audi alone, Weak, No Job, savings runs out and the only thing I can do is to breastfeed audi.. lagi lang akong nakatingin sa labas, sa daan hoping na darating ka. Hoping na ikaw yung tinatahulan nina ten ten. Hoping na susunduin mo kami ng anak mo. Pero lahat ng yun hindi nangyare, para akong umasa sa wala. Wherein, nun bagong panganak pa lang ako hindi ko man nasasabe pero excited ako satuwing darating ka.. finally mag kasama tayo muli at matutulungan mo ako despite this weak postpartum body. Im really really tired and exchausted para akong palaging puyat, tuliro at parang palaging may hinahabol sa oras on those first months na siguro yun yung dahilan kung bakit i get fussy easily. Hindi ko alam, kahit ako hindi ko aware.. This First time mom blues indeed killing me slowly minute by minute. That i have to learn everything bago tayo mag sama para maasikaso pa di kita, para hindi tayo mahirapan.. I feel soo alone and unloved. I feel like Iam a useless crap.. from the moment I lay down on operating table my mind is racing for, hindi ako makakapag work agad to help you with.. kaya kahit delikado pinilit kong inormal but There are things which beyond my control.

But things arent just expected it is all misunderstood plus the devilish things of pipol surround us. Alam ko Love, wala sa ating dalawa yung problema. Its not you and it isnt me. Mahal natin ang isat isa.. Hindi ko nga lang alam ngayon kung ganun ka pa din. Or totoo bang minahal mo ako with all your heart para tiisin yung mga panahon di mo kami makakasama.. and we both choose this way. 😥

Dami nating plano, hindi na yun matutupad..

Ako I slowly accepting the fact that the full responsibility of audi is in my hands. Nun mag kasama tayo, ang gaan ng pakiramdam ko parang biglang nawala lahat yung sakit, yung poot at yung pagkukulang. Parang gusto ko na lang palagi sa tabi mo.

I honestly forgot you, I forgot to ask if your okay with, i forgot that you are also a human. Masyado akong nabulag sa kelangan ganito dapat.. I should not see you as the ideal that you are not. I should have adjust my preferences, na dati nagagawa ko naman. I should have not expect soo much in return..I shoupd have not expect too much from you and this ideals shits.. is just a day dream. 😥 and Im sorry for that.. Im really trying to fix simulteously everyday but simply can't.. I cannot do it as fast as you want it.. this drastic obligation is stopping me.

Sa pagbabago siguro dun ako masyadong na pressure. And yung pakiramdam na di mo kami prio ,it really kills kapag nararamdaman ko.. like you can even trade us for something..

You cant even appreciate my presence. 😷 but im soo done with it. Tatangapin ko na I will have to live this life alone with our daughter.

Honestly, i will be happy if you find some else that matches you. I will be happy if ako pa din yun. Pero if not, It hurts kasi ako dapat yun in the first place.. pero kasi mahirap ng ituwid lahat ee. Audi is growing up, no time for juggling things as if audi eill stay baby for like two years or more-- hindi ko na iniisip na eto na naman ako broke, failed in all aspects.. pero di oa din mababago ang ikaw pa din ang gusto kong makasama habang buhay.. pero impossible na yun.. I will be happy, if you find someone now that can guve you the world and fill my shortcomings.. kasi ako tanggap ko na na hindi ako para sayo.

On the other hand, thank you for a quick journey.. naranasan ko ipamulong at maging fiance ka. Hindi ko sasabihin kulang lahat ng efforts mo and I do appreciate every single of it. I just wnat to live with you alone and our daughter. I just want to be your wife that no one can ever get in between.. Masakit pa pala to sa 3rd party. Kasi kapag 3rd party pwede mo ipaglaban yung entitlement mo sa ipinagpalit sayo e.. at tiranin lahat ng weakness nun tao.. but in our case, its different its our families. 😥

Hindi ko man palagi nasasabi how much you mean to me.. you will always be my husband the one I shall please to be with.. I m still longing for days, that i will wake up early for you and serve everything you needed and recieved a msgs from you thanking for everything.. ohh.. my heart! ❤

Thank you for Audi, kung di ka dumating wala akong Audi.. kasi bago ang lahat, i dont want to settle down with anybody.. ikaw lang talaga yung nag pumilit pumasok sa life ko. Kaso nga, pakiramdam ko i was left on air.. I have learned all this lessons within. Hindi ko na din alam ang gagawin ko , basta every night Im thinking of our little family, I surrender everything to God himself. That one day I will wake up again with you and Audi by myside.. everything is fine despite the life's trial and I will be forever grateful..

Nothing compares for what we had.

I love you my Love.

Till I see you again 😊

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my-life-as-single-braver-mom · 4 years

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Black -ing 🚫

Yes or No.

I want to have some space. Gusto ko na naman iblocked sya and never talk to him again.

But everytime i ignored his massage i look for it on the other inbox and answer his chat..

What to do?

Well, i want us back. Yun. Pero its too complicated, na whether we like it. Its too much to mend pa. Ang gulo, ang hirap. Kaya nga diba I surrender everything to God himself. Siguro if God indeed, sasapukin na nya ako.. Ang kulit ng isip ko di makaintay. Baka nga hindi ito ang plano nya para sa amin. Baka hindi, marriage and baby and family. Us, shall learn things pa.. i mean more of those things.

Pag nalampasan namin to' ang tibay siguro ng result, diba God?

On the other hand, kung hindi at tuluyan na nga kaming mag part ways... and I saw him happy with someone else, I will be happy too.. kasi alam ko din naman may nakalaan para sa akin.

Medyo na bibinge na nga ako sa mga tall shit ni mama.. hays.. ayaw ko na ng gulo, nag alitan.. nakaka depress... I want to be with my own family at magpaka nanay. I really want to go elsewhere, hays. Pero kapag sumama kami ni baby sa kanya takwil ang result.

Well, hindi ko alam, only good God knows. Only him. Khit yung mga tarot readings slide din lahat ee.

Unti unti ko na lang sigurong tangapin.. ang two sides. Unti unti hanggang sa matutunan ko ng mag cope. I will be responsible for our daughter.. i will be the coolest mommy and i dont need a man.

After all ba naman naranasan ko, hays.. hirap maging ako.. ang hirap mag mahal.. kung di man. Sana makatagpo na sya ng bago. Para wala na kaming aasahan ng anak ko. Habang wala pang isip si audi.. i can easily explain to h3r that, may iba ng family si Daddy.. and Daddy figured out how to be a father already. 😊 we should be happy for him and i believe he 's also happy for us.

We can get this done my dear. Sa perspective ko malabo e, sobrang labo ng maging okay.

Iniwan ko yung dedehan sa kotse, toy car at medyas wala daw .. 😥 asan yun dun lang naman nag patak yun. Hays.

I love him, gaya nga ng sinabe ko... Sya pa din ang gusto kong mka sama habang buhay... ❤